Been a long time....

It's been a long time since I last blogged. Needless to say that going back to work has kept me busy. As someone with a serious mental illness it has been a challenge. I have had some good days and some not so good days. On the days that I feel well I enjoy working and it has brought a since of meaning and purpose to my life which I find important to my recovery. On days when I am feeling anxious I have learned to work through it and this too brings me a since of accomplishment. I have learned that I have the tools to cope with most of my challenges, but I would not have had the chance to use them had I not stepped outside my comfort zone. Going to work has pushed me farther along my path to recovery because now I have more faith in myself and my abilities. I've also learned that communication is a big part of staying well, I am blessed to have coworkers and a boss who are understanding of my challenges and allow me to voice my concerns when I have them. I know that not every work situation is like this, that's why I feel blessed. Although the people I work with are understanding, I have had to adjust to working in a environment where I can be so open, I'm use to having to hide it. I can say that working, even with some challenges, has been a learning experience that has allowed me to grow and gain confidence in myself and my abilities.

Self-care and work

   I have been so busy with work I have been lacking in self-care. Although things are going well at work, we are only 2 weeks away from our first group, I still need to be more mindful of self-care. I understand just how important self-care is, because when I don't take the time for it I can tell in my work. I have been trying to find ways to make my self-care part of my daily routine. Like getting up earlier so that I have time for meditation before I start my day, or I try to make time before bed to do a mindfulness exercise. You notice I say "try". I haven't gotten into a routine yet. I haven't even really had time to blog as much as I would like.
   So I need to focus on making self-care part of my routine, not just because of work, but because I am worth making time for.

Working girl

    Well I'm back in the swing of working again. I do find that I have to be mindful of my own need to over achieve. What I am starting to figure out is the importance of self care. I need to be okay with taking time for myself and not feel guilty for it. This last weekend was a good example of that.
    I haven't had a day to myself for about 3 months now, since hubby has been out of work again. Sunday he had a small side job to do and even though he was hopeing I would give him an excuse to not go I was not about to give up my self care day. I did do laundry, cleaned the house, made the bedroom look all nice and inviting. Then I got to my self care. I lit some candles, ran a bath and soaked until I looked like a raisin. I splurged and ate ice cream for lunch and made myself a nice dinner. It is amazing what self care can do for you.
   Now that I am a working girl (woman) I also need to remember that I need to be a self care kind of girl also. Breathing, focusing exercises and sticking with my counseling other wise I'll end up being a not working girl and I am not going to let that happen. I enjoy working, it gives me purpose, meaning and self worth and I enjoy those feelings.

So busy................

     I've been so busy I haven't really had the time to blog. The new job is going well, although I do have my days. Someone asked me if it was easier to blog when things were more challenging than when things are going well. I gave some thought to this and realized that when things seem to be more challenging it is easier to write because it is therapeutic in a sense. When things are going well it seems that it is more of a challenge and in part that is because I am busy. I enjoying feeling well, therefore I am doing more.
    So what is it that helps me feel healthy and allows me to move through challenges and not get derailed by them????? Well, I have been using a lot of focusing and mindfulness exercises, along with deep breathing. Yesterday for whatever reason my anxiety was acting up but I focused on getting myself to work and once I was there I focused on making a to do list. The anxiety stayed with me for the whole day but I was able to do my work because it allowed me to shift my focus.
   I'm finding that being connected to things, like work, really help me understand the importance of connection to something other than just ourselves. It gives us meaning and purpose in our lives and that has a great deal of healing power. I feel so much more empowered , even when I am anxious, that I can do something that is meaningful to me and hopefully have an impact on other's. I enjoy proving people wrong when they think that someone with a serious mental illness can't contribute to their community. I am learning that inspite of having an serious mental illness I have much to offer and I should never sell myself short.

First week back to work

  Well I have survived the first week of being back in the work force and I am ready to face the second week, I think. Over all last week I did okay. I definitely had some challenges with anxiety and approval issues but for the most part I handled them. I am learning the importance of self care and using my coping skills to help get rid of A.N.T.s. The hardest automatic negative thought (ant) I seem to be challenged with is seeking approval of others.
  I feel that for the most part being back at work is a good thing for me. I feel like I have some direction in my life and structure to my day but, I am still feeling a bit overwhelmed because what we are doing is such a new program that we are starting from nothing and building it as we go. This triggers my need to do everything right and seek others approval so that I can feel good about what I'm doing and reassured that I'm doing it right. I am not leaving myself room to be human and the grace to make mistakes.
   I am thankful because going to work has provided me with the chance to learn be comfortable when I am uncomfortable. I can't hide when I want to hide, I can't isolate when I am fearful of failure, I am learning to stretch my comfort zone. I'm trying to learn how to be okay if I don't get it right the first time around and give myself grace to be human. I'm learning that the only persons approval that is most important is mine. I need to be okay with me and to say " I am worthy and just because I don't get it right does not make me less of a person". I'm looking forward to seeing how I grow from this experience and how I view myself.

New Job

     Yes. I have re-entered the work force. It has been 2 yrs since I was last employed and I left due to stress and my challenges with my mental illness. I am excited about what I'm doing but feel overwhelmed and a bit scared. You see I'm part of getting a new program started here where I live. We are getting a suicide attempt survivors support group started and everything that we are doing is new. I dreamed about this happening for so long but I had no idea how much work it would take to build something from the ground up. I have been challenged with new ideas and old feelings. Anxiety, insecurity and the need to have others approval have reared their ugly little heads. In my heart I know that I can make the support group a success, but I have never had the opportunity to write my own job description, help develop policies and procedures. I feel overwhelmed by the whole thing but, I want to achieve the goal I have set for myself.
     I am doing my best to do proper self-care but, even that is a challenge at this point. I am struggling under the pressure that I am putting on myself to be perfect. I know that no one else has that expectation of me. Yet, it seems to be such an ingrained part of my  A.N.T.s (Automatic Negative Thoughts) that I have not really learned how to deal with them. I have struggled my whole life trying to get other peoples approval in hopes that it would change how I feel about myself and my life. I know that I don't need others to approve of me at this point but that little girl is scared that if it's not done perfectly she will not only disappoint everyone who matters to her, but that she may get in trouble.
    I guess I just have to work harder on reassuring her/myself, that it's okay not to be perfect. Besides being perfect is never going to happen nor is it fun because it takes away from learning new things and enjoying new accomplishments.

Just something to think about..................

I saw this written somewhere today and it takes me to a lot of places for thought and introspection
"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength...Loving someone deeply gives you courage." by Lao Tzu
I'm tired and there is a lot of changes going on but, I have no doubt that I'll blog about this in the next couple of days. It has been rambling around in my head since I read it.

Learning to trust

  Over the last several days I have been challenged with something that I wasn't expecting that I would have a challenge with, Learning to trust. I guess it came to my attention the other day when my hubby took me out for a motorcycle ride. Now, remember that over the last year trust has been a challenge for our relationship, and it is one thing that is hard to rebuild. While in the past I have enjoyed our rides on the motorcycle this day it turned out to be something that caused anxiety for me and I spent most of the time on the back of the bike trying to understand why. I then realized that as a passenger I am putting all of my trust in my husbands hands, I needed to trust that he would not do anything to put me in harms way. He's never hurt me physically but emotionally has been another issue.
   The motorcycle ride became a lesson in trust. There were times when I thought of just telling him I wanted to go home, yet I did need be able to sit with being uncomfortable and see if I could move through my emotions. As we rode and I tried to enjoy just being in the moment. I found myself thinking about trust and how fragile it is. I know that hubby never would understand how some of the things that have happened over the last year affected my trust. Heck, I didn't even know. 
   So this is what I came away with .....Trust exists on many levels and although I felt that I trusted my hubby I realized that my trust in him still was not where I needed it to be. I was not willing to share this with him, another trust issue? maybe. I am responsible for my feelings and that if this is something that I want to change I need to work on it. He is trying, and just because I am still having challenges does not mean that it is up to him to change my way of thinking. I am the only one that can do that. So I will still go on motorcycle rides and hope that the trust I once had I can find again, or maybe it is still there and I just haven't reconnected to it yet, because of my own fears.

Change...

Things are changing for me and yes for the good, new job, more income, ability to pay the bills. Yep change... but I feel like crap, anxious, depressed, nervous and overwhelmed. Although everyone says change is good, and I agree change can be good. It doesn't mean that it is easy or stress free. As of  this coming week things as I know them will be different. I know I'll adjust and do well with my new adventures. I'm just struggling right now, growing pains I guess. To be honest I appreciate others confidence in me , but it doesn't alleviate my own anxieties, self doubt and depression. It's hard to focus long enough to really write a descent blog right now about how I'm feeling, but as I adjust I'll write more.

Missing Me..........

I miss me...........with all of the depression and medication changes I realized that I miss being me. I know that their are others who can relate to this. I hate it when the medications take over my life and leave me feeling as if I'm missing something, whether that be my sense of humor, joy, motivation or just a sense of self. I do understand the importance of staying on my meds. but this empty, dumbed down, numbed version of me is uncomfortable. I feel trapped and yet I know what happens if I don't follow thru. I also know that this will pass, but I truly get tired of going through this and sometimes just throw my hands up and say "I don't want to do this anymore." Giving in is not an option and hanging one is exhausting. I'm ready to be me again no matter what that may look like. I miss the highs but, maybe not so much the lows. How does one find joy without pain? Being stable and being numbed by medication are worlds apart. I just want to feel the highs and I'll deal with the lows. I want to laugh, I want to feel real emotion and I want to have the motivation to do something other than hide out in a dark room and watch TV. I want my self and my life back.........
All I can do is to keep reminding myself that this will pass, I just hope that it's sooner than later.

Trying to find balance................

  I find myself struggling with this depression again, maybe not again, more like still. I know that when I was at the conference it was easier to be distracted by what I needed to do and to forget how important self care is. It has taken me four days just to feel as if I am somewhat stable. I've been working through self doubt, lack of motivation and isolation.
  At first I just blew it off as part of being away from home and tired, but I have come to recognize the flags (signs) that are popping up and I now understand that my depression didn't just go away while I was out of town. I was just better at running from it. I am struggling to learn balance. How do I continue to do the things that are important to me and how do I avoid the sort of hangover effect of pushing myself too much? Self care seems to be the obvious answer but it is easier said than done at times. Much like exercise, I know that it is good for me, but when I am struggling with depression I find it hard to get the motivation to do anything, including self care.
  I know that there is a balance between seeing what I do as important and recognizing that I am important.  I think the best thing for accomplishing balance is to gain a better understanding that I can not do one with out the other.

Back Home................

   It's nice to be back home. I was at the American Association of Suicideology in Portland, OR. last week. The conference for the most part was a great experience. I was able to keep my depression at a manageable level although it was a bit of a challenge. I knew before I left that I would have to push myself, I also knew that there would be a price to pay once I got home. Indeed the last two days have been a challenge, my depression has been overwhelming and I find that I am so tired that I have basically slept the last two days away. We all know how sleep deprivation plays into depression, not to mention it rained all four days that we were there.
   I did on the other hand walk away from the conference with some interesting experiences. On the first day after you have registered you can place a colored heart sticker on your name tag that identifies how suicide has touched your life. I was very taken back that they had a sticker for everyone except those of us who have survived a personal attempt to end our lives, this meant we got put into the other category, really? other.
  Of course I was not going to let this just go unnoticed so I spoke with a few people about this. I am happy to say that one of the main speakers at the conference brought this oversight to the attention of everyone. The next morning they had changed other to survivor of a personal attempt. Hopefully next year I won't be an other.
   I also came away with some very good books that might be of interest. The first one is " How I stayed alive when my brain was trying to kill me, one persons guide to suicide prevention" by Susan Rose Blauner. I have found this to be a great book with some really helpful information and plan on using some of that information as we start up our personal attempt survivors support group. The second book is " The healing power of humor" by Allen Klein. We often find that we forget that we need a sense of humor to move through some of our most challenging moments. Humor can help us get through some of the not so funny stuff.  Like being an other.....I am tempted to get a t-shirt that says "other" on it.
 I am hopeful that I can get a handle on my depression and maybe be use some of what I have learned over the last several days to remind myself that live experience is as valuable as learned experience.

Working on # 10 from the list of Automatic Negative Thoughts (A.N.T.'s)

#10.. Other peoples moods or problems are upsetting and I must feel bad about them."Bullshit that's not true". Easier said than done especially when it comes to family and close friends.

  Like I said this is easier done when it does not involve family or close loved ones. My challenge is that with my families situation, my brothers liver failure, I find it hard to remove myself at the appropriate time. My instinctual desire to "fix it" kicks in. I struggle with letting go of other peoples stuff and put into place healthy personal boundaries.
  There is a fine line between feeling bad about the choices my brother has made and feeling as if I should be doing something to "fix it". It has been his choice to drink, but to see how it is impacting the rest of my family sends me into that negative spot "I must feel bad or upset about others moods or problems".
   Yes, the reality of losing a sibling is upsetting. Reality is that he could have gotten help when it was offered but he made the decision to turn it down. I have no control over the impact this is having on anyone else in my family, my mother, father, sister, anyone, except for myself. I know that I can be in a better spot to help support them if I can set realistic personal boundaries for myself.
   The other thing I find happening is that I seem to be overly sensitive to other peoples problems and once again this pushes what my own healthy personal boundaries should be. I understand  why I have this A.N.T. "Other peoples moods or problems are upsetting and I must feel bad about them"  I'm a "fix it " person and this is something that I carry with me from childhood.
     So I guess my goal is to learn that I can only "fix it" for myself and hopefully have healthy personal boundaries so that I can support others but not feel the need to take on their problems.

My head is swimming............

   My head is swimming in a fog even though I am feeling somewhat better, but I am cautious about how things will go at the American Association of Suicidology conference. A friend of mine did remind me that if I was struggling I would have lots of people there to support me....lol.... I hadn't even thought about the fact that I'll be around mental health specialist. I go for my mammogram this morning and my fingers are crossed. I'm staying positive and believing that it will all be okay.
    I am struggling with the thought that indeed my brother has chosen to continued to drink, but at least we know the truth. The family keeps planning to get together over Labor day weekend but we don't know that he'll make it to then. Moving through anticipatory grief is a hard thing for me to do right now. Watching my mom try to figure her way through it is also hard. I do what I can to give her information and resources but I don't feel as if I can force the subject at this point.
    All of these things keep me on a roller coaster of emotions and I am still struggling with accepting that I'm just going to have bad days. I feel as if I am still running to keep busy so that I don't have to feel how uncomfortable I am. I understand that acceptance is an important part of my recovery and that I gain more coping skills through acceptance, but it still is uncomfortable. My urge to relapse, abuse substances and thoughts of  suicide are more prevalent right now. I am trying to use my focusing skills, exercise and meditation to help, but I have a hard time with self care. I keep reminding myself that this will pass. I just wish it would go away right now. There are so many things that race through my thoughts and I'm woren out. I'm waking up tired and very emotional.
   My doc and I are working with meds to see if we can find something that helps, no luck yet. I hate the medication crap shoot, because often I end up feeling like a zombie and that is also very frustrating. I want to feel better not drugged up. Well I guess what I'll work on is accepting the fact that this will pass and not to forget to be grateful for the things I do have.

Drained...

     Emotionally drained.....yesterday started out good and it was a productive day. I made good use of the higher energy level and cleaned my office, living room, bathroom and bedroom, the only think left to tackle is the closet and that might take all day,lol. After being so productive I took a nice long hot shower my reward, which means I could use as much hot water as I wanted.
     Then my reward went wrong..I found a lump. This is not my first time, but seeing as what my history is and what my family history is, yes I am a freaked out. Every time I try to tell myself that it will be okay I can feel the tears well up in my eyes. Last time I believed it would be okay and it wasn't. I was lucky, because I was a lot younger and they were able to remove enough tissue that I had only to do a couple of treatments. This new lump is very close to the old spot so this is concerning. Needless to say that with the roller coaster that I'm already on this is not what I needed. I'm trying to stay positive but to be honest it feels a bit like false hope, or as if I am over reacting when someone tells me not to worry. Funny,okay not really, that it feels like someone telling you to just get over being depressed. I know people mean well but if you haven't stood in my shoes how do you know what it feels like.
   I have lost 2 wonderful women in my family, one from each side, to breast cancer. Yes, I know that it is no longer the killer it once was because we have come so far with medicine. I am still scared. I have a right to be scared. Don't judge my reaction, to be rapid cycling and then this thrown into the mix is overwhelming. No I don't intend on giving up so easily, but I do plan on allowing myself to just feel and vent when I need to. So, today I am drained and don't have the energy to hold back my tears and I'm okay with that.

Sunday Morning Insight

      I love Sunday mornings....yes, I'll admit that I'm spoiled on the Sunday mornings that my mom doesn't work. Much like when I was a child mom gets up and fixes a big breakfast, some habits just don't go away. She always cooks way more than the three of us can eat. This Sunday it is no different, but it is this simple routine that helps me through some of my toughest times. Although I don't have a lot of wonderful memories of my childhood I do have wonderful memories of Sunday mornings.
     It has been a rough several days. My mood is still not a stable as I would like and I'm not doing so great with the side effects from the increase of meds. What I can say is that at least my highs are more creative than agitated and that's a good thing. I can handle creative, I don't do agitated well. My depression is still poking it's ugly little head around the corner to see if it can sneak up on me but I refuse to turn my back on it and give it a chance to knock me down. This morning the smell of childhood breakfasts brings comfort into my well being. A familiar reminder of what a mothers love can do.
    I am reminded this morning that I have survived this storm before and I will continue to do so. I am still here to enjoy Sunday breakfast and the comfort it brings, now if only everyday could be a Sunday,
but then again maybe not because it might take the special out of it.

Still on the roller coaster..............

   I thought this was interesting....once in a while I have a link/app. on facebook that says "Today God wants you to know" and this is what mine said for today..."that when you are unsure how to proceed, stop. Be still and enter into the silence. Allow your mind to cease its restless thinking. Wait. Let the answer come in its time".
   I found this to be right in line with my mental health challenges at the moment. I have been back and forth to see my doc. 2x's in 2 days. I'm on that part of the roller coaster that has a lot of dips and turns in it. At this point it's no longer fun, just frustrating and I am more than ready for some calm easy going coasting. I have been rapid cycling and it is exhausting and I'm worn out. I have some great creative ideas and I understand that when I am more manic I become very creative. I use to embrace it and got a lot done, but this time I move so quickly from creative to crying that nothing gets done and self care is a difficult because of a lack of focus.
   Doc. and I are working hard to find a way to get ahead of this by increasing one of my meds. I 'm glad that we are trying that as opposed to adding another med., on the downside it makes me very groggy and I hate that feeling. Doc. even grounded me and told hubby that I'm not to drive for the next several days. I understand his reasons and even agree but that doesn't mean I have to be happy about it.
   I did take a step in self care today though and put an out of office reply on all incoming e-mails, even though I have a home office, and I turned off the work cell. Yea for me, it's a start. I find that the hardest part is my lack of patients with myself and the lashing out towards family because of my rapid mood swings. I spend a lot of time saying "sorry". I know that it's not right to lash out but it seems to flash over me like a solar flare and then it's gone. I am so lucky that they love and understand me.
  One last note and then I'm going to try to go to sleep. I have invited my daughter to join my blog as a guest writer. I thought it might be interesting for us to be able to share different points of view. She is grown and our relationship is very solid. I'm sure that there is nothing she couldn't say or share that would impact our relationship except to make it stronger as we have already lived through most of it. I look forward to her joining me on this journey and I hope that it will help others to understand.

Have I mentioned...??????

  Have I mentioned how much I hate going through this....I HATE IT........already on the down side and it seems that all I can do is cry and get angry and lash out at the people closest to me. Totally not fair to them. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.....I'm trying really hard not to run and find something else to distract me because I now that there really is no distraction. I know that I have skills in there somewhere that would help me cope but I can't seem to find them at this point. It is another one of those where I just want to hide in the dark for awhile. Have I said that I HATE THIS!!!!! I feel like a human Yo-Yo and I just want it to stop. I can only hope that I get into see my Doc. within the next two days and hopefully get ahead of the worst of this, until then You guys will just have to put up with my random and sometime moody, angry blogs.

Still here.....

   Yep still here in the on my own personal roller coaster, with all of the ups and downs. The ups are as equal to the downs at this point, and that ride is not so fun. I am finding it hard to slow down and make myself take care of me. It's like this unspoken need to stay busy, as if that will keep the depression away, yeah right....I can see how in someway maybe unconsciously I am trying to avoid my depression. I know that it can't be avoided but I'm trying to understand this overwhelming need to stay busy, instead of doing what I need to do. Which is MAKE time to take care of me. Why is this so hard, why, why, why?
   The logical part of me knows that I will pay a price for not taking care of myself,  yet I'm having a hard time putting myself first. I seem to be putting my mental health on the back burner. My head gets full of random thoughts and  comes up with a bunch of  really good ideas, all of which would distract me but would not be healthy for me to take on right now. I can think of all sorts of new projects that I would love to get started.
 So as you can tell I'm on that part of the roller coaster where I'm nearing the top which means the downside is next to come. Yep I think that's the part I'm trying to avoid, because I really don't mind the high I do hate the depression.
Accept, Release, Relax, Breath...................weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

cycling...around and around I go

     Cycling, and no I do not mean the two wheeled kind. I am tired, this pace in which I seem to be cycling, moving from one mood to another, is wearing me down. By the late hour in which I am up writing I am obviously feeling a bit manic and having trouble sleeping. I seem to have been either at one extreme or the other, while trying to use the skills and focusing that I have learned in therapy has not been as successful as I would like. My focus and memory are off and I feel as if I am either running full tilt or at a dead stop.
    Earlier this week all I wanted to do was to be in a dark. I found myself trying to seek comfort and I often find the dark makes me feel less vulnerable. Others can't see how much pain I'm in emotionally if I hide in the dark. I took a hot bath thinking this would help, but what happened was that I found myself turning out the lights and curled up in the hot water crying. It was a very intense emotional release accompanied by intense depression. Of course the next day I was more headed to the manic side of things, which is not all bad as I seem to make up for the down time. I just have to be very aware of when I am approaching burn out.
about the emotional release in the dark ..... I have been able to understand where this came from but I am not yet ready to share it  as I still need to move through it and come to terms with the abuse that it is connected to. I found it interesting that in my darkest moments of depression I would seek comfort in the dark. Maybe this is years of living and feeling as if I had to hide, wishing that no one could see me and yet always hoping that someone would care enough to come look for the lost little girl hiding in the dark.
    I also have no doubt that a lot of this will intensify as I move forward in the anticipatory grief  regarding  my brother. We spoke today and yes he finally said that he has chosen not to stop drinking. This means that the time we have with him is much shorter that we had hoped for. He is in stage 2 liver failure and with his choice he most likely will move fairly quickly from 2 to 3 to 4 which is the final stage of liver failure. I find myself telling myself that I have to accept that he is living his last months and that although I and my mom have a trip planned for Sept. that we may need to go sooner but for his funeral. Not doing so good with all of it. I can only continue to try to understand my own issues and challenges and hopefully learn something that will make me stronger. Still not sleepy but to sad to really write more.

a leap of faith...

   So I've been battling my depression and having this ongoing conversation in my head. I am still very active within the mental health advocacy community, along with the crisis community and the governance board that I sit on as a representative for people with a mental illness, along with the suicide attempt survivors support group.
   The conversation I have been having with my self is this.....
   Do I do as I have in the past and not let anyone that I work closely with see me struggle or do I take a leap of faith and share my struggles? In the past I have not always had the best of responses when I have chosen to share my struggles. So I deal with a lot of fear of being judged, treated differently and this only adds to my overwhelming feeling of vunerability and anxiety.
   Well, I decided if I am going to go through this, as this is the most challenging time of the year for me, then I might as well make the most of it. I decided to share my struggles with a room full of people . Ones who have known me for a couple of years now. I shared because how else are they going to understand how this illness impacts the lives of those who struggle with a mental illness.
   It was a leap of faith and although I felt anxious and vulnerable in doing so. I feel as if I made the right decision. I was not let down, judged nor treated with anything less than compassion, respect and an appreciation for sharing.
     I guess this has taught me something as well......If I don't want to be judged then I can not judge those who I share my challenges with. I must not only trust my own feeling and reactions but trust theirs as well, and not pre-judge.

Still Moody and Irritated

  Yep, I'm finding myself low on patience. Not only with myself but, also with those who are closest to me. Can I tell you how much I hate going through this.........I HATE IT........I hate the med changes, yes it makes me feel a bit better but it now has triggered something new and strange. I find myself eating in the middle of the night it's like I sleepeat instead of sleepwalk. And of course I was so happy (said with a great deal of sarcasm) because before this I had finally started to lose weight. I guess it just proves the old saying fat and happy, or at least in my case, fat and somewhat stable. (once again more sarcasm). Have I mentioned how much I dislike this.
  Yeah, yeah I know it will pass, but are we there yet? I don't really like the person I become while going through all of this. Happy one moment and crying the next, then angry for no reason. It does help when I can stay somewhat busy during the day, but there again I have to tread lightly because it is a fine balance between staying just busy enough and becoming overwhelmed.
  I also fall back into some unhealthy behaviors such as, putting on a brave face and not letting anyone know that I'm struggling, the urge to spend money I don't have, the inability to feel confident in choices I make, wanting to get out of the house but finding reasons not to....... the list goes on and on, but I think you get the idea.
 So, I'm still working on this and I am irritated not only with myself but with my illness. I wonder, do other people with chronic illness feel the same way? just a thought.

up late

this is just part of it....cycling through manic to depression. Doc. changed my meds. and it has thrown me off just a bit, but this usually happens then in a week or two I get back into somewhat of a normal sleep pattern again.Tired but brain doesn't want to turn off, it is so frustrating. Everyone else is sound a sleep so it's just me and the computer.

So Maybe It's...................

   .......... that time of year for me. Spring, always the worst not sure why, but it is the time of year when I go through my most pronounced and darkest cycle of depression.
      I have a hard time climbing out of the darkness and into the light. I don't like to have others see me when i am struggling, more like wrestling, with my illness. I find myself overwhelmed at times by things that at any other time would not impact me. I wake up in tears, full of anxiety, fear, sadness and just a general sense of uneasiness. Thoughts of suicide become more active and I am less than patient with the people closest to me. My mother says that she can always tell because she can hear a change in my voice. I can always tell because my dreams become more vivid and I often have nightmares. I know that this all will pass, I understand that this is my cycle. This does not mean that it is any easier just because I know and understand. There will always be apart of me that says " I don't want to do this anymore. I hate having a mental illness. etc. etc.etc."
    The other part that is more challenging this year is that I have many great things that are about to happen in my life and I want to be in a mental place where I cannot only take part, but also enjoy, what is happening. I don't want to hide my illness any longer. I have decided that if I am going to move through this and stay true to my own values(to help reduce stigma and show others what life is like to live with a mental illness) I am going to have to be vulnerable and share my challenges with people I am working with. I'll be honest, this scares the shit out of me. Fear of being judged, looked at differently or even treated as if  I, the Katie they have come to know, no longer exist.
   Part of me knows that these perceptions are not in fact reality, that they are my own fears and automatic negative thoughts that come from past experiences. I believe that if I can share my challenges of my illness when it is at it's worst then maybe I can help someone understand themselves, or a loved one, or just a person they may know. Maybe I can help reduce the fear and raise compassion.
    This all sounds good and doing this will serve a purpose. Hey, I figure if I'm going to have to go through this then I might as well find some way to make the most of it.
    Still scares the shit out of me but I figure that those who know me will accept me illness and all. If not I'll deal with it later.

11 years and counting............

   Today is hubby and mines anniversary. We've been married 11 yrs. but, we've been together as a couple for 17yrs. As with any marriage it has been an up and down ride. We've have shared our happiest and most challenging moments.So I'm feeling a bit reflective and I think I'll share abit about our relationship, because living with me is not always easy, even if I wasn't seriously more interesting.
  When I met hubby I was in a wonderful place in my life, a place I had never known before. My mental illness had, for whatever reason, taken a break and I had not had any major challenges in about 2yrs. I was done with abusive people and ready for something completely different in my life. So the person hubby meet was a strong willed independent woman who was not mentally ill, she was confident, wasn't needy and enjoyed time to herself. I still am all of those, just at times it is harder to see. We had been together for nearly 2yrs. before my illness started to come out of remission. At first it was more manic behavior, so he just thought I was very energetic and that I was tapping into my creativity. There were of course some down days, he just thought that was part of being the sensitive creative type along with being a woman.
   Well surprise!!!!!!! my illness was reemerging. I had a job that provide insurance and went to see my doctor, as usual he pulled out his prescription pad and said take this blah blah blah. I told hubby that life had pranked us both......he met a well adjusted  person and for me I really believed that my illness had gone away for good. I am thankful that when I told him about my struggles with mental illness he didn't run for the hills. I know that at first it was very hard for me to allow him to see me at my worst. Then he told me that his mother also struggles with a serious mental illness. He understood and I mean he really understood. Shortly after that I was fired from my job because my illness was effecting my ability to do it well. I became overwhelmed and isolated for along time as I now had no access to medical help.
  On March 3rd of 2000 hubby came home, asked me what I was doing the next Weds. evening. I said "nothing, why?" he then handed me insurance papers. I looked at him and said " this isn't going to help if we aren't married" he turned the insurence application over and on the back was written Will You Marry Me ?. I laughed and cried,of course said yes. It was the most wonderful expression of love because it didn't matter to him and he wanted to make sure I could get the help I needed.
 I am thankful that I am blessed with a hubby who gets it and who has stood by and held my hand even when I didn't want him to. Love you hubby, my world is so much better having you to share it with.

Obituary of a car.................

   Sometimes it just is going to be challenging, no matter what. Yes, I am in one of those places today. I want to stay positive but...... to be honest I think I would feel better, even if only for a moment, if I just through a hissy fit. My car, the one I have almost paid off, just died on me.
   Okay it didn't just die, it has been a slow painful death as my hubby tried to revive it several times over the last week. CPR was needed to bring it back from a code blue on more than one occasion. There where several transfusions needed and parts donated. Unfortunately, I'm sorry to say, that on Sunday afternoon I was asked to make the decion as to whether pull the plug or keep throwing money at it. I struggled with this as my car and I have been on many an adventures together.
   We have seen the ocean, the birth of my granddaughters, time with family. No, it was not my first love but, indeed there was a comfort in knowing that I could always count on my car. I counted on it much like an old friend. I could sing at the top of my lungs and it never once told me to shut up or that I couldn't carry a note. My car always told me when I was almost out of gas and how far I could go before it ran out completely. It took me to places that held great beauty and to places where I could escape and just be me. My car will be dearly missed.
   Since this was so unexpected there was no will or last wishes.We are now faced with  some difficult choices. It is going to need a new engine or I sell it and still make payments on it, because I know that I'm not going to get full pay off value for it, IT DOES'NT RUN!!!! how do you sell a car that doesn't run??????? My fingers and toes are cramping from keeping them crossed for luck the last few days, obviously it didn't work.
  So now I have to decide whether to A) by a new/used engine for it and try to find someone who will put it into my car with out taking my only child as payment, B) sell it and still make payments and find money to by another car that I can actually drive while making payments on a car that I would no longer have or C) which at this point I have no idea what option C even looks like........Oh did I mention that this is usually the time of year when my challenges with depression get the worst.....and that I have a ton of things to do and contractual obligations......Well, I'm not bald yet, so that's good that I haven't pulled all of my hair out...yet.....LOL.
I'll cross my fingers and toes again once the cramping is gone.
  Until then unconditional trust that there is a reason for all of this, acceptance for the fact that I can not control or change somethings, okay most things, in life. I have to just embrace it for what it is.

Been awhile...........

    It seems as if it gets harder and harder to sit down and blog. It's not that I don't have plenty to blog about, but the challenge is either a time thing or that I'm trying to work through my challenges enough so that I can write about them.
    Case in point ....I have been very busy and my focus has been crap. Which makes it hard not to look like a complete blonde some days :) . I have been working on getting the attempt survivors support group off of the ground. There is still a long way to go but we are hopeful that we will have our first group by the beginning of May. I am super excited as I have worked so hard for this moment. I also have been wandering around, in my head, trying to figure out what direction I want to take at this point in my life. I have decided to go back and get a Bachelor's in Psychology. It's a big step and kind of scare yet exciting, unless if I completely fall on my face, then not so much.......
   I am also feeling a bit anxious right now because so many cool things are happening, like getting ready to go to a conference in Portland in about six weeks. The thing is, this is usually the time of year when I cycle through my worst depression of the year. I often need med changes and a lot of outside support to get me through. I struggle with suicidal thoughts, isolation, lack of motivation, lack of self esteem, lack of the ability to see past my own overwhelming psych pain. The darkness of it swallows me up and I am never sure where I'll land when all is said and done. It is the WORST time of the year for me. Last year it was a six week cycle and it took three weeks to get me stable and another three months to feel stable.
     I have already felt the little niggley feelings that tell me it is waiting around the corner. I have been trying to be more proactive this year than I have been in the last several. It still scares me and I can't help but think to myself, I don't want to be sick anymore, I don't want to go through this again, and why now.
   So here's hoping for the best and keeping a postive outlook, having trust that everything happens for a reason, and that each time I come through it I am stronger than the last time.

I never thought.......

I never thought that I would see the day........
 For the last 19 months I have been working with a company, that helps to provide care for people like myself that have a serious mental illness, to get a support group started for people who have attempted to end their own lives. I have mentioned before that I have attempted to end my own life several times, this last time was in July of 2009. I had no idea that it would change my life and bring me to where I am now.  This is the start of something very exciting and I am still working on getting my head wrapped around just how big this could be.I really needed this great news because I have been in a strange mood lately.
   Kind of like a holding pattern trying to figure out which path I am suppose to take. That's the reason I haven't really blogged much lately. I have been focusing on what I feel I need to be doing and there were just to many things distracting me. With the news of the start up of the support groups and I have also made the choice to got back to school and get my degree in General Psychology. It just feels right once again, as if I am back on track.
  My Daughters visit was wonderful and I am always amazed at how totally awesome she is. We had a great time and she got her first tattoo, it is beautiful and fits her personality very well. It was a very cool experience to share with her.
  Glad that my head feels a bit more like I'm back in the game and that I have the focus to blog again.

Simply said..............

Simply said............ that I am so very excited that my daughter is coming to visit and will be here this afternoon. It has been a while since her and I have had time togther with it being just us. She needs it, I need it. My feet are not touching the ground.

Working on it..................

    I know, it's been a while since I blogged last. A lot has been going on and finding quiet time to sit with my own thoughts and feelings has not been easy.
  Hubby has been home for just about 2 weeks now. I have been working hard not to go back into our previously co-dependant relationship. Easier said than done. Hubby is still in a co-dependant place and I am kicking and screaming to not go back. Hubby thought that once the job ended he would find himself happy to be home, and to be honest I thought that I would be happier with him home. It didn't happen that way. Hubby ended up depressed and couldn't figure out why. I was trying very hard not to jump in and save him, it felt a bit like watching someone you love stand in a burning building and trying not to rush in to save them. Yes, I gave in. I did my best to help pull hubby out of his depression. This time I tried to go about it differently than I have in the past. I also told him I could not do this again. I want to be his wife, not his caretaker, not his mother, not his savior......just his wife and partner.
   I asked him  to take responsibility for his emotional health, to start finding what works for him. It has not been an easy process. The good news is that there have been some real break throughs for both of us. We are a work in progress.
  Understanding that Hubby and I both came from invalidating childhoods means that we have a lot of challenges that are similar, if not some of the same. This is good because he is now open to exploring some of what I have learned in group about the behaviors and unmet needs that we carry because of our invalidating childhoods. No, I am not going to become his therapist, but I can share and see if he finds anything useful. I did share some of the things I learn in my group and some of the things from DBT that helped me. He actually was very interested and said later that it helped him a lot to better understand some of what was going on with himself. So I just I'll make a habit of allowing him to read my notes that I take in group.
  Yesterday was hard. I indeed paid a price emotionally for all of the stuff going on. I had a lot of my own stuff to work through and had not been prepared for the backlash of not taking care of myself. Of course I should have known because I tend to do this to myself, but I ignored it. On the upside though it did give Hubby a better understanding of why we can not continue with things the way they are. We still have a long way to go but I am hopeful that we are headed in the right direction.
  Did I mention that my daughter is coming into town in one day!!!!!! I am so looking forward to spending time with her. I can not even express just how excited I am, it has been way to long since I have had time with just my girl. I know that it will be good for both of us.

Working on the 8 attitudes for growth

Okay so in my group we have been talking about these 8 attitudes for growth and there are....

• Gratitude: What are you grateful for
• Non-judging: Being an impartial witness to your experience, as well as that of others
• Patience: Understanding that growth happens in its own time
• Beginner’s mind: A mind that is willing to see everything as it is for the first time.
• Trust: A basic trust in yourself, your feelings and your experience.
• Non-striving: There is no goal other than for you to be.
• Acceptance: Seeing things as they actually are in the present.
• Letting Go: Letting go of the impulse to grasp or push away experiences.

 

I also find that learning to be in the moment might be another good one to add to this list.

  Much like the  "B.S. that's not true list" there are things I know that I need to work on, and depending on where my head is at, what I need to work on changes. In looking back over the last couple of weeks I have been working on several of these "Attitudes". 
  Letting go is the one I find most challenging at this moment. There are emotions and experiences that are going on in my life right now that I would either like to push away because of the painful emotions involved, or I feel that I can not let go of because of  painful past experiences. I do understand that for me to be able to move forward I need to let go of  these things and to understand that letting go does not mean I have to forget. I can not allow the things in the past hold me in one place. I can not drag it around for my whole life like a ball and chain and not know what it is like to run free without limits.
  To be honest there is apart of me that does find letting go a bit scary. It feels like saying good bye to a childhood companion. It means that I have to be willing to address emotions other than just the ones that come from my past. To learn how to overcome self doubt and insecurity. I am working on it.
   In the mean time I will use positive self affirmations to help me move forward. I am a  kind, caring and good person who is willing to try to make my life better through a deeper understanding of self.

 

 

Working with unmet needs

  Part of working through my own challenges comes from being able to recognize what my unmet emotional needs are. These are part of what I bring in to my adulthood from a invalidating childhood.
  It really is no surprise to me that the events of last week gave rise to unmet emotional needs, but it is my responsibility to recognize them and learn how to ask that they be met. Understanding that they won't all be met.
  So to begin, I have to observe what actions of say, my hubby or someone else close to me, are triggering strong emotional feelings. Then look at what those feelings are. Over the last week the feelings most present  for me were....invalidation, neglect, frustration and anger.  I then have to look and figure out what my unmet emotional needs are....in correlation to the emotions I have listed, my unmet needs are.......acknowledgement, security, trust and honesty. At this point I need to be able to make a request that my needs be met. I run into a challenge with this part for a couple of reasons, because I often feel selfish asking that my needs be met and when I do I have a hard time forming it in away that it is a request and not a demand. If I use the example from above my request to my hubby might look, or sound, something like this "I need a higher level of communication in our relationship so that I feel acknowledged, secure and an improved level of trust and honesty". I know at first this may look like a demand but, all I am doing is stating what I need. I accept that all my request my not be met. I can work with that.
  The idea behind this is to acknowledge that sometimes the emotions we are having come from an invalidating place and unmet needs. We can then request those needs be met. Willing to accept they may not all be met. By acknowledging that it is okay, and that we are worthy, to ask that our needs be met we begin to validate ourselves.

What helped me process, working with my ANTs

   One of the things that helped me process the overwhelming emotions from last week was of course blogging, but there are other things that also helped me.
    I worked on two things, one is what A.N.T.s (Automatic Negative Thoughts) was I having challenges with, the second one was what were my emotional unmet needs and how to request that they be met.
I'll start with A.N.T.s and yes these are on the B.S. that's not true list.
    #6 When something is bad or dangerous I must dwell on the possibility of it coming true. As I have said before I am a bit of a worry wort and I have to work on not allowing these A.N.T.s to get to me. I try to remind myself that like is drawn to like, so..... if I can focus on positive than positive will be more likely to be the energy that I bring to myself and the situation. I have been using my focusing to help me identify and move through my A.N.T.s  and not dwell or make assumptions about the worst happening. I have to trust in a higher power.
   #10 Other peoples moods or problems are upsetting and I must feel bad about them. Okay I don't have to feel bad about other peoples moods or problems. I can be compassionate and caring, yet I need to understand that sometimes what they are experiencing in their lives is part of their journey and pat of what they are to learn in this life.
    Yes I know said the there were two things I worked on and the second was how to address getting my unmet needs met. I'll go into that in the next blog as it might be a bit longer.

Processing Emotions part 3 , the unexpected reality

   Well as I have shared that since Thursday I have been processing some raw emotions that not only triggered my PTSD but also challenged me because I have felt helpless. The feeling of being scared and helpless is that 12yr.old  inner girl, helpless is the mother who knows that there is no magic "fix it" button for her child, even though "fixing it " for them would not be the best solution. I am slowly working through these emotions. I feel that to understand I need to be able to look at what I am feeling, where it came from, what unmet emotional needs and what automatic negative thoughts should be addressed.
    I felt that I was doing pretty good with all of this until......My sister called Friday night, and I have not been able to really think about this without crying. As I have mentioned before, my brothers health is not good and  that our family has been starting the process of anticipatory grief. The reason my sister called  was to tell my mom and I that he is in stage 2 liver failure and that if he does not quit drinking right now, and that means RIGHT NOW! he will most likely move to stage 4 very quickly ( which can happen in as little as 48 to 72 hrs.) and from that point he will have maybe 4 months. My sister knows this all to well as she was a nurse and also lost her husband several years back to the same fate. My brother's Dr. said that he would be surprised if my brother made it to his next appointment, which is in 4 months. It is not unthinkable that my brother who has been a life long alcoholic could be so scared of losing his life that indeed he never picks up a drink again, but I know how hard it is to be in recovery and living with a spouse who is not in recovery and is still actively drinking.
  Yes, once again I have an overwhelming sense of helplessness. There is no "fix it" button in this life and sometimes that hurts. To sit and watch the pain on my moms face as she begins to understand that she will out live her son is almost unbearable, the pain, frustration and anger. She is doing what she knows how to do and that is to put up a stoic front because she can not bear the reality of the pain at this moment. I am numb, emotions to raw to feel. I know that with my brother being so ill and knowing that we will lose him, I also understand that this event will impact and change my family forever. I know the there is a chance that my mother will finally confront my father about his treatment of us kids, she has held these emotions in for way to long. It will indeed raise many questions among the grand kids and a lot of old stuff may have to be talked about.
    I am still processing this and I know that this will take a very longtime for me to work through. Yes, I am scared and feeling helpless, yet I know that I will find the strength somewhere inside to move through this. That is not to say that the pain, raw emotions and the anticipatory grief will demand some very focused effort on my part so that I don't get thrown into a tailspin.

Processing Emotions part 2

Well I left off on Thursday, so that is where I'll pick up.
  Processing challenge #2......Just after I got off the phone Thurs. evening with Hubby my daughter called. I hear her sobbing and I hear the hurt and confusion in her voice. Every maternal instinct when on high alert. She and her husband's marriage has not been on steady ground for sometime. Anyway, she called and told me about the fight they just had and how she was feeling. She wasn't sure if her marriage was over,or what to do. Needless to say my heart was breaking at this point because she lives so far away and all I wanted was to be there for her. I spent time talking to her on and off through out the evening.
  Okay here is the challenge, her father and I did not have a pleasant divorce. My own feelings of hurt and mistrust were present. I had a ton of automatic negative thoughts. I know that  past experiences do not predict the future. So how do I leave my fears in the past and be neutral for my daughter. I know that she is smart, an amazing mother and has the ability to take care of herself and her daughters. My instinct is the need to "fix it" for her, yet I know that I can't "fix it" for her. I want to keep her from getting hurt or having to feel the emotional pain of a struggling marriage. Plan and simple I want to protect her from all things that would hurt her. I know that this is completely not what I would, or even could, do in reality. I have to understand that this is her life and her time to learn.
     Yes I am learning also, because I have to put my past aside so that I can be there for her. My past is just that mine and it does not determine her future. I need to trust that she will take the time to look at the larger picture and make a decision that is right for her and her girls. She has a lot of support and is wonderfully smart. I have to trust that I did my job as a mom and that I have given here the tools she needs to make the tough decisions. I have to trust her, and me.

Processing Emotions part1

  Okay so this has been a challenging week. There have been many different things happening and I'll have to break it down into several blogs so that I can address each one. This helps me to better understand and to better use my coping skills.
  First challenge... Hubby did come home on Sunday, it was just for the day, and as the norm at this point, his mind was on just getting laundry done, catching up on sleep and having a good home cooked meal. As I always do I ask him to wake me up before he leaves in the morning because I like to spend sometime with him before he goes. Well he did indeed wake me up on Monday morning before he left. Although it was only a few minutes before he had to dash out of the house. There was something that happened before he left but I don't think it is necessary to go into detail about it. My reason for blogging is to work through my own emotions.
  What I will say is that my PTSD was triggered. I know that Hubby did not have the intentions of this so I can not fault him. I found myself at first with what I felt were just normal feelings of  frustration that happen time to time in a marriage. The full impact didn't happen right away. Memories of trauma started to show themselves in very subtle ways, my mood became more anxious, I felt uneasy  and insecure. I had attempted to talk it out with my mom and that helped, but the person I really needed to speak with was Hubby. I tried to address my feelings but I was having a challenge doing so over the phone, so I just carried it with me for  a while. I found that this only impacted me more.
  What ended up happening is that 12yr.old girl came out with a lot of raw emotion and she directed it not only at hubby but at herself. Hubby came home on Tuesday. I felt that after I had gone to group I could come home, talk with him about my unmet emotional needs. Well I didn't do so good at this. I put my own needs second,  then when I did feel ready to talk it was late. I thought what was the use if I knew that things could not be resolved in such a limited amount of time. Needless to say my inner 12yr old at this point was ready to throw a tantrum and she did. On Wednesday night when Hubby called he got that angry, hurt 12yr. old on the phone. I hung up on him and then was mad when he didn't call by, I know, very much the actions of a hurt child.
  I was forced to sit with my feelings and figure out where they were coming from. As I worked through this I was able to start to understand that I had allowed the 12yr. old to drive the emotional car, so to speak, and I had become the passenger. Not good.
  I need to address both her needs and mine. I decided that I would clearly state to Hubby when he called on Thurs. evening that I needed him to listen and acknowledge my emotions. Which I did. I stated what  memories had been triggered. I understood he had no way of knowing that his actions would impact me in such a way. I then told him I was sorry for my own behavior the night before, I told him I needed more understanding from him and more reassurance to help me feel more secure.
  What I learned is that it is okay for me to request that my emotional needs be met but, understand that they may not always be met. Hubby has done his part to help meet those needs. I am working on meeting  needs of my inner 12yr. old.

I haven't meant to ..................

I haven't meant to neglect my blogging. Just sometimes emotions are to raw, and it is hard to put them into words until I have had sometime to process them.I promise I will blog later today after I see my counselor.

Need for Self-Care Day 2

     I am in a rut about this whole self-care issue, not good. I just want to find someway to take care of me. Yet, I allow myself to get pulled into other peoples projects, even when I want nothing to do with them. I love my mom, and as many of you know she lives with Hubby and I. Yesterday she had the day off, yes even at 73 she still chooses to work. She decided to redo her bedroom, this meant that the bed had to be moved, pictures on the wall had to be taken down, etc. etc., well she wasn't going to be able to do this by herself, and how can I say no to mom, so guess who got pulled into it. All of this then lead her to want to do the guest bedroom. Yep, I spent a good part of my day getting interrupted from whatever I might have been trying to do for myself.
    Needless to say self-care did not happen. I find myself this morning fighting that sort of niggley little feeling, you know the one that says that if you don't watch it depression is just around the corner. I find my self feeling anxious, restless and somewhat short of patients. I know that I don't have a busy week ahead of me, but still there are things that need to be done. I have had a very busy past 2 weeks, my sleep has not been the best and I feel a bit alone. What I mean is that I really have not had someone to just talk to, someone who is willing to make time for me. Heck, I'm not even making time for me so I guess I fall into that category also.
   Here is my challenge I know I NEED to DO SELF-CARE. I am aware of my feelings. I recognize all of the little warning flags that are going up and I won't have the house to myself until the middle of the week, barring that Hubby doesn't come home sometime between now and then.
   I'm not sure why I am struggling so much with this. Could it be that after taking care of everyone else's needs I want someone to take care of me?, or is it that pesky little 12year old girl who says "I've been doing everything for them now they should be doing something for me. Can't they see I need comforting?"
   Yep, I think I nailed that one on the head. Now I need to figure out how to comfort her and let her know that all of her hard work is appreciated. That it's not all about giving with the expectation of getting something in return. Giving is something we do from the heart. Whatever we get in return is a blessing, even if it is nothing, the blessing is in the giving.
   Well I'll just have to see what I can come up with. I need to find something fun. I'm missing fun in my life, it has been way to serious lately.

Not enough self care..

    I am struggling this morning. I have had a long week. I really love doing trainings (suicide intervention skills training) but it does kind of wipe me out. I tend to put a lot of myself ( my energy) into it when I do a training. I know that part of it is that I have not spent enough time focusing on my own self care. It seems that I do this to myself often. I know how important self care is, yet I struggle with doing the things I need to do for me. Yes the hot baths are nice, yes the meditation and focusing works but, sometimes I need something more. It's hard to put it into words, it feels like I need to completely unplug from things at this point. I don't feel overwhelmed or bad, just a strong urge to unplug, to get away, do something fun, a change of scenery. Like I said I'm not really sure how to describe it and I'm not really sure what I can or will do about it. I am trying to leave all options open at this moment.

I learned something new

   Yep, I learned something new about myself this weekend and the last couple of days. My choice to not jump into "fix it" mode means that I have indeed started to change a very old behavior pattern. I find this exciting and interesting. I knew that the work I had been doing with my counselor, and by myself, over the last year was changing things. But, nothing really made me see it more than I did in this last weekend.
    It is empowering to know that I can change old behaviors and walk away from a situation that would have caused me and hubby a great deal of stress. I let go, trusted that I would be okay. I did not need anyone else to make me feel better. I did not need to fix it to feel better. This is a huge step for me, as I have struggled with control issues and have in the past felt that if I did not control things they would turn out badly. This time the only thing I controlled was my response and what I choose to do with my response. I just trusted me, let go and the world did not end...yea!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Hubby did call and he sounds a lot better. I'm happy that I have found out something new about myself and the ability to learn new behaviors that are much more positive. What's that old saying? " Can't teach an old dog new tricks" well yes you can....

It's never easy....

   Yes, it has been a long weekend. Yes, hubby did decide to give it another try at the job. Yes, I am worn out.
    I worked very hard this weekend to just keep to myself and let hubby work through what ever it was he needed to work through. I admit at times I was busting at the seams to know what he was thinking, as his decision would also impact me. I was very supportive and allowed him the space he needed on Saturday, even though this was hard for me.
   When I see someone giving up and giving into depression, especially when it is a loved one, it triggers something in me. I have a huge challenge with this and feelings of anxiety, fear, stress, worry are just a few. I know that I have these emotions because I believe that people who are challenged don't have to give into depression. This does not mean it goes away, or that we never suffer from depression, it means to me that I don't allow it to take over my life. I was afraid, because I was watching my hubby give in and give up to the depressive feelings he was having. I felt desperate, helpless and alone. I did not want to lose him to depression.
     Sunday morning, I had to decide it was going to be him or me. It was not an easy choice but I knew I could not go into that pity of depression with him. I tried to be as kind as I could but, I had to tell him that he was going to be on his own with this one. I could not, and would not, jump in to pull him out of his depression. It was and is his responsibility to learn some self-care tools. I did acknowledge that this may come across as harsh and non supportive but, I was no good to anyone if I did no take care of me. I also said that I was not willing to sacrifice my mental wellness right now. We talked about the fact that even if he did choose to stay home that this would not make everything better and he would still have to deal with his depression.
    I left and took the dogs out for a long walk, came home and took a long hot bath and did my best to take care of me. Hubby did seem to pull out of his depression and start to take care of the things he needed to for himself. His mood has lifted and he says he feels better, that he is optimistic about being able to see this job through as it is only another 5 to 6 weeks.
   Me, well I have some serious self-care that I need to do. With hubby now gone I have a lot of raw emotions and I need to work through them. I feel like crap, being the "strong one" and the one who has to push, it's never easy.....

Saturday Morning and My cup of coffee

    Yes, indeed Saturday morning has finally gotten here. I can sit in my comfy chair, which I moved over to in front of the computer desk, curl up with my coffee and keyboard and tell you all about what is on my mind.
    This week has for the most part been very good but,.... the parts that weren't so good were really challenging. Hubby is/was (?) working hard, very hard. He put in a 17hr. day got 5hrs. sleep and then turned around and worked a 9hr. day. The week before, he worked 82 hrs, that's 12hrs. a day 7 day work week. He was exhausted, the lack of sleep, not eating well, and not taking care of himself landed him in the pity of depression, and I do mean a deep dark hole. I did my best not to make assumptions and focused on how I could help and support him. Honestly though, and please don't judge, I was not happy to be in that spot. Part of the reason he was feeling so bad is because he did not take care of himself. I at this point have made the choice not to do it for him. I will not jump in that pity and push him out at the expense of my own well being.
    Well, yesterday morning hubby walks in the door 10mins. before I am to leave for a meeting. I asked "Did you get time off?" his answer "well yea, kind of." me "what do you mean kind of? did you get fired?"hubby "no not really" me " I don't really have time to play twenty questions right now so just tell me what you choose to do." hubby " I walked off the job" me "did you tell your foreman?" hubby  "no I just left". At this point I had to leave or be late. I was mad that he had made such an important decision without at least calling me and giving me a heads up. Okay let me remind you that this is a job that pays $30 an hour and time and a half for over time.
     My meeting went really well and I felt good about what I was able to accomplish. As I drove home I focused on what I needed to do to support him but, take care of me. I got home and told him what I was concerned about and what my honest feelings were. This was tough but I had to be honest and I knew that I ran a risk of sounding unsympathetic.
     There my still be hope though, he did get a call from him foreman saying that he had covered for Hubby at work and that he would still like him to come back. I'm hoping  he will  think about going  back for several reasons,
a: the job will be done at the end of February,
b: Hubby would get more depressed as we became unable to pay bills,
c: he would not be able to get unemployment as he walked off the job.
d: my own sanity.
   Oh and did I mention that the job pays $30 an hour, in this economy...Just joking .
It's not about the money , it's about my sanity which is priceless.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

Now what to do????

    Now what to do?   It seems odd to find myself at a point, where I have some wonderful opportunities in the near future. This also means that I'll have to make some choices about what I do. None of the options are bad, and all of them would allow me to follow my passion in helping others. It just so happens that I need to start thinking about it now. I would love to pretend that I can be super woman, put on my cape and do everything, but I know that it would not be healthy for me. Self-care is something I must keep in mind if I am to do things well. I am thrilled to know that I have a choice of what I can do and I am far from deciding on what that might look like.
   Anyway, who says that I can't do more than one.
   I do know that I will need to be more in tune with myself and listen to my heart. The challenge comes in knowing that I'll have to put somethings on the back burner for awhile. I am not very good at this, as I like to complete the things I have started and sometimes I find it difficult to pick up a project and move forward with it after I have lost some of the momentum.
   It does feel good to know that my hard work is starting to pay off, and there is apart of me that is pinching myself, because I never believed I would be able to accomplish the things I have.
   As someone who lives with a serious mental illness there is not always a lot of support or encouragement to dream big. I am indeed very luck to have people in my life who see the value not only in me as a person but, also in my lived experiences. I think one of the challenges I am trying to get ahead of by thinking about all of this now is, learning to believe in myself enough to know that I can do anything, and that includes dreaming big.
   Getting rid of old behaviors like, self doubt, self destruction, and just in general screwing things up before they get to good, are what I need to work on. Until then I'll just keep reminding myself that if others believe in me then I should trust and believe in me.

Trying to control everything and having control over nothing

   My head has been spinning lately. I'm writing things in my daily planner for April already. I get in to this thought in my head that if I write everything down I'll have control over it. This is not the case, I know that control is only an illusion. Yet, I find my self obsessed with the idea of it. I do understand that I have some control over my own emotions, but there again if you have read any of my past blogs you'll know that I have challenges with this also.
   I went to see my counselor on Friday and we did a relaxation technique that really helped me get out of my brain, which by that point felt as if it was on the spin cycle of a washing machine. What I realized once I was able to slow down and relax is, that my illusion of control is exactly that an illusion,  kind of an aha moment.
   What this looks like to me is, I don't control when my bills are due and by writing it on the calender is not controlling it , merely a response to a request, a reminder for myself. Same goes for the other things that I write on my calender, trainings, meetings, appointments. All are written to remind me of a request that I have chosen to respond to. See I choose to respond, that is where I have control, not that the request was made. This seems simple enough and I can only hope that I can continue to practice this. As I left my counselors office I did feel more relaxed and clearer in thought.
   I also am trying to understand how my own issues with control are impacting my relationship with hubby. He is a wonderful man, he does have flaws like the rest of us but he is trying. I can not make him do anything as he is a grown man and can make his own choices. I need not try to control his choice because then the relationship no longer is a partnership. So, I'll work on that and I'll let you know how it goes.

Trust................

    What can I tell you, trust issues are beginning to once again be a challenge for me. I don't do well with trust issues and one of those reasons is because of my childhood, followed by a lot of other stuff that makes it a challenge for me. I am much more trusting at this point in my life and I can see how my idea of trust has change over time. 
   As a child I trusted everyone, then the abuse started and my ability to trust, or understand what trust was supposed to be, was impacted. Going into my teenage years I found that because of my desperation to get away from the situation at home I trusted anyone who would paint a pretty picture of what life could be like if I was with them and often that ended in more abuse, this behavior went from teens into young adulthood. Then I trusted no one and found my life to be pretty empty and I did not allow room for others in my life. I remember feeling pretty hollow, because outwardly it seemed to others that I had people in my life and I did, but there was nothing more than a superficial relationship. I never let anyone close enough to really know me, or hurt me.
    I have over the years learned to trust but I admit that it is still a big, and sometimes a huge, challenge for me. I will give you my trust but once it has broken it is hard for me to give it a chance to rebuild. I still find myself running away from someone who has broken my trust because I feel hurt and I fear more pain is on its way. Because of these challenges I find myself struggling at this moment.
    Hubby has over the last year broken my trust on more than one occasion, no he hasn't cheated. He has made conscious choices not to tell me things, like how much he is drinking, his choice to settle his workman's comp. claim, what he is doing with his time, and if he is making the effort to take care of his depression. These are some of the things that have become an issue, again. I won't even try to go into the things over the last year. Some may not see these as big issues, but for me they are because these are the things he made a commitment to me about and in breaking those commitments he has broken my trust. I can feel myself pulling away even thought it is the last thing I want to do.
  I am trying to be patient and understanding that he does not understand MY trust issues. No matter how much I explain it to him, because he did not live it, he can not fully understand it. I have to own it and once I allow myself to get past the fear, I can stop running away and see that it is okay to work on giving trust back. I need to just give it up and trust that it will all work out.

Careful what you wish for....

    I guess I would wish for a lot of things but I have learned over the last year to be careful about what you wish for. Many of the things I wished for did come to be, yet I have learned that I need to be more focused on what it is that I real want, a good example.... wished my hubby would find a job, got wish but, he found a job that takes him out of town every week. There are other examples as well....wished I could do more independent consulting work......well I have started to do that but, maybe I should have wished to be more organized also, because come tax time I'm sure that I'll be having some anxiety about not having kept every receipt. I wished that I could be more independent than codependent in my relationship....okay so I have found that I like being independent and I now notice that when hubby does come home I am less patient with the fact that he feels like it should be all about him because he's been gone and to be honest it is nice  feel like I don't have to take care of him all the time.
    So, this year I will try to take my consulars advise and be more mindful. I will try to focus on what it is that really speaks to my heart. I will remember what my sister once told me "How can you hear what your heart wants, if you are never still long enough to listen to  it."
     I am excited to see what wonderful things the new year holds. I know that there will be joy, happiness and of course some challenges.
     I think I'll just wish for the grace, strength, courage and wisdom to be able to live my life well and learn whatever lessons life has to offer.