Change...

Things are changing for me and yes for the good, new job, more income, ability to pay the bills. Yep change... but I feel like crap, anxious, depressed, nervous and overwhelmed. Although everyone says change is good, and I agree change can be good. It doesn't mean that it is easy or stress free. As of  this coming week things as I know them will be different. I know I'll adjust and do well with my new adventures. I'm just struggling right now, growing pains I guess. To be honest I appreciate others confidence in me , but it doesn't alleviate my own anxieties, self doubt and depression. It's hard to focus long enough to really write a descent blog right now about how I'm feeling, but as I adjust I'll write more.

Missing Me..........

I miss me...........with all of the depression and medication changes I realized that I miss being me. I know that their are others who can relate to this. I hate it when the medications take over my life and leave me feeling as if I'm missing something, whether that be my sense of humor, joy, motivation or just a sense of self. I do understand the importance of staying on my meds. but this empty, dumbed down, numbed version of me is uncomfortable. I feel trapped and yet I know what happens if I don't follow thru. I also know that this will pass, but I truly get tired of going through this and sometimes just throw my hands up and say "I don't want to do this anymore." Giving in is not an option and hanging one is exhausting. I'm ready to be me again no matter what that may look like. I miss the highs but, maybe not so much the lows. How does one find joy without pain? Being stable and being numbed by medication are worlds apart. I just want to feel the highs and I'll deal with the lows. I want to laugh, I want to feel real emotion and I want to have the motivation to do something other than hide out in a dark room and watch TV. I want my self and my life back.........
All I can do is to keep reminding myself that this will pass, I just hope that it's sooner than later.

Trying to find balance................

  I find myself struggling with this depression again, maybe not again, more like still. I know that when I was at the conference it was easier to be distracted by what I needed to do and to forget how important self care is. It has taken me four days just to feel as if I am somewhat stable. I've been working through self doubt, lack of motivation and isolation.
  At first I just blew it off as part of being away from home and tired, but I have come to recognize the flags (signs) that are popping up and I now understand that my depression didn't just go away while I was out of town. I was just better at running from it. I am struggling to learn balance. How do I continue to do the things that are important to me and how do I avoid the sort of hangover effect of pushing myself too much? Self care seems to be the obvious answer but it is easier said than done at times. Much like exercise, I know that it is good for me, but when I am struggling with depression I find it hard to get the motivation to do anything, including self care.
  I know that there is a balance between seeing what I do as important and recognizing that I am important.  I think the best thing for accomplishing balance is to gain a better understanding that I can not do one with out the other.

Back Home................

   It's nice to be back home. I was at the American Association of Suicideology in Portland, OR. last week. The conference for the most part was a great experience. I was able to keep my depression at a manageable level although it was a bit of a challenge. I knew before I left that I would have to push myself, I also knew that there would be a price to pay once I got home. Indeed the last two days have been a challenge, my depression has been overwhelming and I find that I am so tired that I have basically slept the last two days away. We all know how sleep deprivation plays into depression, not to mention it rained all four days that we were there.
   I did on the other hand walk away from the conference with some interesting experiences. On the first day after you have registered you can place a colored heart sticker on your name tag that identifies how suicide has touched your life. I was very taken back that they had a sticker for everyone except those of us who have survived a personal attempt to end our lives, this meant we got put into the other category, really? other.
  Of course I was not going to let this just go unnoticed so I spoke with a few people about this. I am happy to say that one of the main speakers at the conference brought this oversight to the attention of everyone. The next morning they had changed other to survivor of a personal attempt. Hopefully next year I won't be an other.
   I also came away with some very good books that might be of interest. The first one is " How I stayed alive when my brain was trying to kill me, one persons guide to suicide prevention" by Susan Rose Blauner. I have found this to be a great book with some really helpful information and plan on using some of that information as we start up our personal attempt survivors support group. The second book is " The healing power of humor" by Allen Klein. We often find that we forget that we need a sense of humor to move through some of our most challenging moments. Humor can help us get through some of the not so funny stuff.  Like being an other.....I am tempted to get a t-shirt that says "other" on it.
 I am hopeful that I can get a handle on my depression and maybe be use some of what I have learned over the last several days to remind myself that live experience is as valuable as learned experience.

Working on # 10 from the list of Automatic Negative Thoughts (A.N.T.'s)

#10.. Other peoples moods or problems are upsetting and I must feel bad about them."Bullshit that's not true". Easier said than done especially when it comes to family and close friends.

  Like I said this is easier done when it does not involve family or close loved ones. My challenge is that with my families situation, my brothers liver failure, I find it hard to remove myself at the appropriate time. My instinctual desire to "fix it" kicks in. I struggle with letting go of other peoples stuff and put into place healthy personal boundaries.
  There is a fine line between feeling bad about the choices my brother has made and feeling as if I should be doing something to "fix it". It has been his choice to drink, but to see how it is impacting the rest of my family sends me into that negative spot "I must feel bad or upset about others moods or problems".
   Yes, the reality of losing a sibling is upsetting. Reality is that he could have gotten help when it was offered but he made the decision to turn it down. I have no control over the impact this is having on anyone else in my family, my mother, father, sister, anyone, except for myself. I know that I can be in a better spot to help support them if I can set realistic personal boundaries for myself.
   The other thing I find happening is that I seem to be overly sensitive to other peoples problems and once again this pushes what my own healthy personal boundaries should be. I understand  why I have this A.N.T. "Other peoples moods or problems are upsetting and I must feel bad about them"  I'm a "fix it " person and this is something that I carry with me from childhood.
     So I guess my goal is to learn that I can only "fix it" for myself and hopefully have healthy personal boundaries so that I can support others but not feel the need to take on their problems.

My head is swimming............

   My head is swimming in a fog even though I am feeling somewhat better, but I am cautious about how things will go at the American Association of Suicidology conference. A friend of mine did remind me that if I was struggling I would have lots of people there to support me....lol.... I hadn't even thought about the fact that I'll be around mental health specialist. I go for my mammogram this morning and my fingers are crossed. I'm staying positive and believing that it will all be okay.
    I am struggling with the thought that indeed my brother has chosen to continued to drink, but at least we know the truth. The family keeps planning to get together over Labor day weekend but we don't know that he'll make it to then. Moving through anticipatory grief is a hard thing for me to do right now. Watching my mom try to figure her way through it is also hard. I do what I can to give her information and resources but I don't feel as if I can force the subject at this point.
    All of these things keep me on a roller coaster of emotions and I am still struggling with accepting that I'm just going to have bad days. I feel as if I am still running to keep busy so that I don't have to feel how uncomfortable I am. I understand that acceptance is an important part of my recovery and that I gain more coping skills through acceptance, but it still is uncomfortable. My urge to relapse, abuse substances and thoughts of  suicide are more prevalent right now. I am trying to use my focusing skills, exercise and meditation to help, but I have a hard time with self care. I keep reminding myself that this will pass. I just wish it would go away right now. There are so many things that race through my thoughts and I'm woren out. I'm waking up tired and very emotional.
   My doc and I are working with meds to see if we can find something that helps, no luck yet. I hate the medication crap shoot, because often I end up feeling like a zombie and that is also very frustrating. I want to feel better not drugged up. Well I guess what I'll work on is accepting the fact that this will pass and not to forget to be grateful for the things I do have.

Drained...

     Emotionally drained.....yesterday started out good and it was a productive day. I made good use of the higher energy level and cleaned my office, living room, bathroom and bedroom, the only think left to tackle is the closet and that might take all day,lol. After being so productive I took a nice long hot shower my reward, which means I could use as much hot water as I wanted.
     Then my reward went wrong..I found a lump. This is not my first time, but seeing as what my history is and what my family history is, yes I am a freaked out. Every time I try to tell myself that it will be okay I can feel the tears well up in my eyes. Last time I believed it would be okay and it wasn't. I was lucky, because I was a lot younger and they were able to remove enough tissue that I had only to do a couple of treatments. This new lump is very close to the old spot so this is concerning. Needless to say that with the roller coaster that I'm already on this is not what I needed. I'm trying to stay positive but to be honest it feels a bit like false hope, or as if I am over reacting when someone tells me not to worry. Funny,okay not really, that it feels like someone telling you to just get over being depressed. I know people mean well but if you haven't stood in my shoes how do you know what it feels like.
   I have lost 2 wonderful women in my family, one from each side, to breast cancer. Yes, I know that it is no longer the killer it once was because we have come so far with medicine. I am still scared. I have a right to be scared. Don't judge my reaction, to be rapid cycling and then this thrown into the mix is overwhelming. No I don't intend on giving up so easily, but I do plan on allowing myself to just feel and vent when I need to. So, today I am drained and don't have the energy to hold back my tears and I'm okay with that.

Sunday Morning Insight

      I love Sunday mornings....yes, I'll admit that I'm spoiled on the Sunday mornings that my mom doesn't work. Much like when I was a child mom gets up and fixes a big breakfast, some habits just don't go away. She always cooks way more than the three of us can eat. This Sunday it is no different, but it is this simple routine that helps me through some of my toughest times. Although I don't have a lot of wonderful memories of my childhood I do have wonderful memories of Sunday mornings.
     It has been a rough several days. My mood is still not a stable as I would like and I'm not doing so great with the side effects from the increase of meds. What I can say is that at least my highs are more creative than agitated and that's a good thing. I can handle creative, I don't do agitated well. My depression is still poking it's ugly little head around the corner to see if it can sneak up on me but I refuse to turn my back on it and give it a chance to knock me down. This morning the smell of childhood breakfasts brings comfort into my well being. A familiar reminder of what a mothers love can do.
    I am reminded this morning that I have survived this storm before and I will continue to do so. I am still here to enjoy Sunday breakfast and the comfort it brings, now if only everyday could be a Sunday,
but then again maybe not because it might take the special out of it.