My head is swimming............

   My head is swimming in a fog even though I am feeling somewhat better, but I am cautious about how things will go at the American Association of Suicidology conference. A friend of mine did remind me that if I was struggling I would have lots of people there to support me....lol.... I hadn't even thought about the fact that I'll be around mental health specialist. I go for my mammogram this morning and my fingers are crossed. I'm staying positive and believing that it will all be okay.
    I am struggling with the thought that indeed my brother has chosen to continued to drink, but at least we know the truth. The family keeps planning to get together over Labor day weekend but we don't know that he'll make it to then. Moving through anticipatory grief is a hard thing for me to do right now. Watching my mom try to figure her way through it is also hard. I do what I can to give her information and resources but I don't feel as if I can force the subject at this point.
    All of these things keep me on a roller coaster of emotions and I am still struggling with accepting that I'm just going to have bad days. I feel as if I am still running to keep busy so that I don't have to feel how uncomfortable I am. I understand that acceptance is an important part of my recovery and that I gain more coping skills through acceptance, but it still is uncomfortable. My urge to relapse, abuse substances and thoughts of  suicide are more prevalent right now. I am trying to use my focusing skills, exercise and meditation to help, but I have a hard time with self care. I keep reminding myself that this will pass. I just wish it would go away right now. There are so many things that race through my thoughts and I'm woren out. I'm waking up tired and very emotional.
   My doc and I are working with meds to see if we can find something that helps, no luck yet. I hate the medication crap shoot, because often I end up feeling like a zombie and that is also very frustrating. I want to feel better not drugged up. Well I guess what I'll work on is accepting the fact that this will pass and not to forget to be grateful for the things I do have.