Drained...

     Emotionally drained.....yesterday started out good and it was a productive day. I made good use of the higher energy level and cleaned my office, living room, bathroom and bedroom, the only think left to tackle is the closet and that might take all day,lol. After being so productive I took a nice long hot shower my reward, which means I could use as much hot water as I wanted.
     Then my reward went wrong..I found a lump. This is not my first time, but seeing as what my history is and what my family history is, yes I am a freaked out. Every time I try to tell myself that it will be okay I can feel the tears well up in my eyes. Last time I believed it would be okay and it wasn't. I was lucky, because I was a lot younger and they were able to remove enough tissue that I had only to do a couple of treatments. This new lump is very close to the old spot so this is concerning. Needless to say that with the roller coaster that I'm already on this is not what I needed. I'm trying to stay positive but to be honest it feels a bit like false hope, or as if I am over reacting when someone tells me not to worry. Funny,okay not really, that it feels like someone telling you to just get over being depressed. I know people mean well but if you haven't stood in my shoes how do you know what it feels like.
   I have lost 2 wonderful women in my family, one from each side, to breast cancer. Yes, I know that it is no longer the killer it once was because we have come so far with medicine. I am still scared. I have a right to be scared. Don't judge my reaction, to be rapid cycling and then this thrown into the mix is overwhelming. No I don't intend on giving up so easily, but I do plan on allowing myself to just feel and vent when I need to. So, today I am drained and don't have the energy to hold back my tears and I'm okay with that.