A brothers visit

Yes, my brother has finally made it here for his visit. I am happy to see him, but often when my brother or sister come to visit there are childhood issues that seem to need to be talked about. A lot of this is because as children and young adults we did not talk about them, much less to each other or our mom. Now as adults and all of us getting older I think we understand that clearing the air is important. None of us want to ever be in that place where we are saying "I should have said this, or I wish I had told them that". We have come to understand that the abuse effected us all in very different ways and to understand each other we must hear each others side. Yes, this is a painful process, but it is necessary for us to make the most of what we have as a family. Hearing each others pain is hard but in some sence it is healing, as we no longer have to hide or watch what we say around each other. Does it pain me to relive, revisit and talk about our pain, yes. It is a challenge to watch my mothers pain. I still try to remind myself that we are in the places in our lives because of how we have chosen to deal with our childhood. I wish that one person was here to witness this pain and that would be my father, as he is the cause. I wonder how he would react.

Long Week......much to be thankful for

It has been a long week and I have not had much chance to blog. I am thankful for that, because I do better when I am able to keep busy. I was able to do my first Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training (ASIST) this week and it was a great experience. My brother and his wife are coming to visit for the next two weeks. I am thankful to have the time to spend with him as his health is not good and it is a reminder to take the time to tell the people we love how much they mean to us. I know that there most likely will be some talk of our childhood, much like what happened when my sister visited. This is good, as we have a chance to voice things that maybe we as adults have not expressed yet. I will be thankful to have that opportunity. I know that after my sisters visit it brought us much closer and if it can do the same for my brother then I will be happy. As a family torn apart by abuse to be able to try to understand and heal old wounds and draw strength and be a family is amazing. I am thankful that my sister and brother and my mom are who they are, each of them amazing in their own way, I am thankful to have the family that I do have.
 Okay on the lighter side of things I would like to look at the day to day things that we may forget to be thankful for......    
Some-days it is hard to say that we are thankful for any one particular thing, but maybe it's just the fact that someone slowed down enough on the freeway this morning to let you merge into traffic without running you off the road, or that when you said "thank you" to the clerk at the corner store where you get coffee they smiled back and meant it when they said "have a nice day". Am I thankful that my mother, who lives with my husband and I, still kisses me good night even though I'm nearly 50, you bet!!!! Yes even though my check engine light is on, I'm thankful for the fact that my car hasn't started smoking and that it still gets me to where I need to go and that I hopefully have sometime and money in the near future to fix it. I'm always thankful when I go into a public restroom and it is clean and there is toilet paper and soap, come on we all know that we breath a silent sigh of relief. How about being thankful for that when I take my dogs out for a walk, I've been lucky and have picked poo bags that don't have holes in them. Come on people, lighten up, laugh, it's something to be thankful for, laughter and joy don't cost us anything, and we should rejoice in the things that can make us laugh. I'm thankful for having a sense of humor even if no one else gets it. I'm thankful to be laughing instead of crying or moping about. I hope that everyone can find something, big or small to be thankful for. Oh, I'm also thankful for Spellcheck, that way I don't look like a complete idiot.

Second Most Important

 The Second Most Important thing for me to remember to do is to take care of myself. Why is this second on my list you ask? Because for me the first is to take my medications, which help me on a daily basis.
As I have shared over the last days I have been struggling.
 This morning I woke up and felt renewed with what seems to be a new sense of hope and the strength to fight. I wish I could put into words exactly what changed but I can't. I know that as a person with a serious mental illness sometimes stress triggers a whole lot of things, among those depression, hopelessness, isolation and a lack of motivation.
 Yesterday I tried to make sure that I was taking care of myself and of course blogging has now become apart of that, and I thank everyone for listening and being so supportive. My husband made sure that I got out of the house, even though I really did not want to. I came home and tried to find the reasons to hold onto hope, and blogging about it helped me to get it out of my head and into a place where I could look at it in a different light. I have realized that for me holding on to hope is so important, because today is different than yesterday and tomorrow will be different than today. Years ago when my daughter was about three and as a single mom I was struggling. I could not pay the bills. One morning as I was laying in bed crying because I felt hopeless my daughter crawled into bed with me and asked why I was crying. I told her that mommy was sad because I could not pay the bills and that meant that we would have no lights. With only the wisdom that a sweet innocent child could speak she said to me "That's okay mommy because the sun always comes up." To this very day I think of those words and they bring me hope. The sun does indeed always rises no matter what is going on in our lives.

Yearning for Some More Idyllic times

Wondering if peace and contentment are ever going to come back into my life.
   I try to hang onto what hope I have and some days it feels as if things are not going to change. It would be best if I could find a way to embrace life for what it is at this moment, and I'm not so thrilled with that to be honest. Maybe it is up to me to make my own peace and contentment. I am not sure how at this point, the day to day stress is getting to me, distracting me to a point of being overwhelmed.
  I am fighting with everything I have not to give in or give up on my dreams. The reality is that bills need to be paid and that what ever dreams I have may need to be put on hold. Yes part of me fears that if I put my dreams on hold that I may never have this chance again. I have invested the last year to get where I am. There is only so far that I can bury my head into the sand. I know that if my husband can't find work I need to.
  I feel like a game of tug-o-war is going on in my head, back and forth about the pros and cons, hanging on to what might be a chance for the bigger picture to finally be within reach and the reality of the challenges my household faces, and that I could be doing something to help. Back and forth my mind goes day after day, hour after hour..... it in it's self is maddening.
  How I yearn for simpler days.... days where it was easy to believe that things would get better and that dreams could be chased. I wonder is this grief I am feeling? For what I may lose, or what I have lost?
   I am fighting not to lose hope. Hope that fragile yet precious thing that makes us believe that anything is possible. Hope like a piece of cloth that is tattered and frayed yet as long as there are still threads that are holding it together there is still something to hold on too. I will try to hang on to this little piece of hope because there are still threads and though they seem a little more unraveled and frayed than the last time.
   I am still hear, still standing, still fighting..................scared? yes, stressed?yes, Hopeless? not yet...
    I know that there are many others who are struggling also.................I will be thankful for what I have at this moment and keep in my thoughts those who have less and try to remember that peace and contentment will be part of my life once again and look for what life lesson I can learn.
Looking forward to being carefree and chasing dreams.................

Some More Insight

Well, clearly for me the first insight in that I am battling with insomnia, just part of bi-polar. The second insight that when I can't sleep it is usually because I can't seem to get my mind to quiet down, it squeaks like a hamster wheel with a hamster that has insomnia on it...lol.
So what part of myself do I want to put under the microscope tonight??????
Well let's take a look at some of my childhood and see how we can connect the dots...........
I do have some great early childhood memories, before I was really aware of the kind of person my father could be. My mother was always warm and soft, in a way that is like your favorite pj's, or blanket, or sweater. I remember the house on cold winter days being filled with the smell of fresh baked bread. I remember our cat Jenny having her first litter of kittens. I also remember how hard it was when it came time to give the kittens away and my mother comforting me trying to tell me that they would all have good homes. I believed her even after I saw the neighbor boy Timmy trying to leash train the kitten in his front yard. Yes I have lots of good memories and for that I am thankful. I am thankful that my mother gave us kids somethings that would still bring a smile to our faces.
The same can not be said about my father. Oh at times he did what was expected of him to keep up the front of a normal house, go to work, have the illusion of the perfect home life. Dad and Mom always had a lot of friends and my mother loved to entertain so on special occasions there where get togethers at our house. I think that this is one of the reasons people find it so hard to believe that my father had such a different side to him. I have horrible memories of my brother being beaten by my father with a belt and the fear and panic I would feel not knowing if I or my sister were going to be next. How my heart broke in those moments knowing that I could do nothing to spare my brother or sister or myself from the pain.The panic and fear of knowing that there was nothing anyone could do was overwhelming.I'm sure you ask "well didn't your mother try to stop him?" Yes she did but my father did not here her in his rage, although I often heard her pleas for him to stop. I can clearly remember the look my father would get on his face and how he would bite down on his tongue while he would beat us with the belt. I wonder if he bit his own tongue to keep himself from going to far, or the  fear of not being able to control himself ?
I believe it is in those moments caught between fear and heart break that I became a co-dependant person, this would be my third insight.
 My own needs now as a grown woman, reflective of the young child wanting to save her siblings from pain, yet powerless to do anything. This is reflective of how I feel about the challenges that my husband and I are having. I want to save him from the pain yet I feel powerless to do so. I know that it is not my place to take on these responsibilities yet the child in me asks "why can I not save him?" I must reply "it is not my place to save him, but my place to love him and be there, to be supportive and non-judgmental". To trust that we will find our way, one that will be healthy for both of us, one that is not co-dependant.

Somewhat More Infinite

Infinite; having no limit...vast.....
  This could be a good thing or not. For me today it is not, as it seems to apply to the run of not so good luck that has taken up residence in my household. I blogged the last time about the challenges of living in a household where 2 people have challenges and one is working on recovery and one is not. This topic may be one of those that comes up more often right now and maybe an infinite amount of times. Mental health challenges can and often do feel infinite...........without limit as they define and affect our lives, minute to minute, day to day , week to week. I would like to think I have a very clear idea of what my challenges are and when to reach out for support. Which I have done just this morning. I was able to find a way around the 2ton phone ( you know when things are so tough but you don't want to call and burden your friends).
  A series of events yesterday challenged me in an infinite amount of ways. I woke up to find that my husband had not gone to the job that he had been offered. My first and honest reaction was to be angry, we really need him to work, not just for the money but for the benefits it would provide for his self esteem. After my momentary freak out he calmly said to me "this is not what I need from you" which stopped me in my tracks. I realized that he was struggling and was asking me for help. He has suffered with depression but yesterday morning he had an anxiety attack unlike any of the ones before. The kind that paralyze you and make you fearful of even leaving the house. This was a first for him and I hope that it is the last, not because I'm not wanting to support him and help him through it but because I know what it feels like. I have had sever anxiety attacks for most of my adult life and they have often gotten in the way of just about everything in my life at one point or another. I had to take a step back and put my emotions in my back pocket and help him before the ship went down with both of us on it.
 There was a lot of good open communication which is one of the keys to understanding. My husband and I then sat down and looked for helpful information on the computer. I did this because we have no insurance, and he's not the type to got to counseling.  I needed to find someway to help him understand what it was he was experiencing. We found a lot of good information, an infinite amount, on the computer. Together we stumbled upon a couple of good sites that he seemed to engage him. He is learning that education is power, specially when it comes to yourself. I know that some of what he discovered may have been uncomfortable but none the less empowering. My challenge now is to encourage him to seek out and find information on his own so that I can take care of me.
 I need to get back in touch with the infinite hope that everything will work out. There is a silver lining to this............my husbands new found knowledge of himself, our open communication, infinite trust and love. Through the difficult we must look for the good or we have lost the opportunity for growth...........

Seriously More Insightful

  Well, I can say that I have had a couple "Ah ha" moments since my last blog. I'll start with the most challenging one first. As a person that has challenges with depression along with other things I have found myself rather frustrated with things at home. My "Ah ha" came in the understanding that I am aware of my challenges and my husband, who suffers from depression, is not aware of his own challenges. You see, he has never been told that he suffers from depression, but I tell him he needs to go to a doctor first.....which he is not willing to do at this moment. As someone who knows what depression looks like I can give you my opinion, and that is he suffers from depression. Maybe not to the same extreme as mine, but still suffers from it.
  So the question I found myself asking is " how does it affect the relationship when one person is working on recovery and the other is not?" This is truly a challenge for me. I have a tendency for co-dependant relationships and I know that they are unhealthy for me, even toxic. I have learned that I can not jump in and try to save my husband from his depression. It does neither one of us any good. I end up stressed out and over extended and he learns nothing related to coping skills. Here's the "Ah ha", if I allow him to just sit in the feeling then he has to make a choice. Stay where he is at emotionally or ask for help. If he ask, he understands that he needs to be willing to accept help that is offered, be willing to learn coping skills. I have learned that it is not my place to force upon him what I feel he should do. I learned my coping skills because people were willing to let me make my own choice and that I did not feel forced. Recognizing  that boundaries and balance are both needed in a home where more than one person is facing challenges is important. It is easy to trigger each other as we are so close and it is human nature to want to save the ones we love from suffering. The best way for me to help my household it to allow each person to find their own healthy way to cope and to be there without judgement, to be supportive and to make sure that I am taking care of me. Second "Ah ha" moment.... just when I was about to through my hands in the air and say "what next world?" I have been shown to never let go of what I believe,to believe unconditionally and things will work themselves out if I just get out of the way. Things are looking up, if it is just fore the moment, the hour, the day, the week, I will believe that it will all be okay.

Seriously More Insecure

I am struggling with feeling good about myself right now.  And I don't believe that I am alone. In these trying economics times many of us are feeling their self worth/ self esteem dropping as the balance in our bank accounts gets smaller. I ask my self why am I feeling less worthy than I did when we were doing well financially? Have I linked myself worth with a dollar amount?  Is it just the stress of  worry that wears us down? I know that as I struggle with the pressure of living in a recession and trying to make the most of every penny, which we all can relate to. I find that it brings different challenges for me. As a person with a smi these sorts of things often trigger strong emotions for me. Anything from panic, not good as I have panic disorder, anxiety, have that too, depression, that goes without saying. Some days I can not hide the tears, they come and go as they please. I try with every fiber in me to believe that it will all be okay. I still wake up every morning, the sun is still shinning, yes life does go on no matter what our bank account says. Yet for some reason I have seen myself, and my husband also, view our self worth as less because of the challenges we are facing in this recession.
So I try to remind myself that I am priceless and that my worth can not be bought. I may not be able to pay bills with it but in the end it is all that I have. When I begin to feel insecure about myself and the world around me, my natural instinct is fight or flight. Somedays I want to flee but it is much better that I fight because when I fight I find that I am stronger that I remembered being and start to feel more secure. So for today I will fight and I'll worry about tomorrow when it gets here. I will try to see my worth and not place a dollar amount upon it. I will see my strength and know that I am secure with who I am, no matter if I am rich or poor.

S.M.I......Seriously More Indepth, about me

Well over the last couple of weeks I have shared very small pieces of who I am. I think it is time for me to share more with you than just my sarcastic sense of humor.  I am a survivor of many things, some of which I will going into more depth about and some that I'm not yet sure that I am ready to go into depth about. I do want to make clear that I am happy with the person I am now. I also understand had my life not been impacted by some tragic and abusive events I would not be the same person. I'll share with you my most raw parts of me in hopes that when you look at me you see me as a whole person. Not broken by my past but stronger for living through it and finding the reasons to live.
 Some would say that my childhood was traumatic. I am of the belief that a large part of us have had something in our young lives that impacted us and maybe for ever change who we are. The impact of trauma can only really be defined by the person it has effected, in my opinion. Often in my life I have had the debate going on in my head of What ifs...  would I have had the same challenges if I had not been traumatized. I have asked myself , as well as been asked by others, What if.???? I am happy to be where I am and that I no longer feel the need to ask What if? As I now understand  it holds no power over who I am and what I can accomplish with my life. Yes, it has taken many years and a lot of work, letting go of useless anger, to get myself to accept and embrace this. What if, is no longer important. I can only try now to look at how what happened in my life has brought me to here and hope to glean insight not only for myself but in hopes of helping others. There have been many times in my life where it was easier to blame What if?... for the things that went wrong or seemed unfair.
Most of my life  What if?...was an easy out... if I hadn't been ..( you can fill in the blank) I wouldn't be suffering....( fill in the blank). My life would be so much better. Well I'm not so sure that my life would have been better, it might have been less traumatized, but better is just a guess. I believe that I am on the path I was meant to be on and that the only way for me to get here was to walk straight through the landmines of my own life and to find some way to find my own courage and strength to keep moving forward, although I did on occasion turn and run back to what I thought was safety. Yes to this day I am not free of my childhood demons. I have learned to embrace the fact that I may never be rid of them and look to them for guidance and insight to who I am and who I am becoming. I often struggle with my challenges, suicidal thoughts, depression, low self esteem and then I remind my self that I have already walked through the minefield and I have survived, not unscarred but, none the less I'm still standing.

S.M. I..... Suicide Memory Introspection

Okay I know that this does not fall completely under the
Seriously More I(...) category but I'm making it fit anyway.
Suicide Memory Introspection.....I know it's a stretch, but what can I tell you.

My first attempt was at 12 yrs. old. I was recently asked by someone if I really knew what I was doing at that tender young age and did I really want to die? My reply to her was....
I 'm not sure that I really wanted to die. What I do know and remember is that I wanted the pain and sadness I was feeling all the time to end, go away, allow me to feel normal. I knew at 12 that I was not like others my age. I just didn't know how to change it. I do remember that my parents where out to dinner and that I was at home by myself. Feeling completely alone and as if no one cared or that no one could see my pain, I found a bottle of aspirin and took the whole thing. I can now look back and see where there was part of me that did want to live. I can not say if it was my true intention to end my life or just a cry for help...... and here is why I wonder. I did call the E.R., this was before caller ID and 911, and I asked a nurse on the other end if what I had done would kill me. She informed me that it would not and I would just be very sick for a while until all the aspirin had gotten out of my system. She was right, I was sick, throwing up a lot and feeling terrible. When my parents got home I just said that I must have the stomach flu and left it at that. I did not write and letter say good bye or any other trace that might of let my family know what I had done.....Was it out of shame, fear, guilt? Or just being disappointed that I was stuck with the feelings I had.
One thing that does strike me is that as I work with the suicide prevention project we learn to look for certain feelings and know that when a person is struggling with all three they may be more at risk for attempting to end there own lives. Those feeling are
being a burden to loved ones or family, lack of self worth, and lack of meaning or purpose in their lives.
I can say that at 12 I had no meaning and purpose, but who really does understand that at 12. I did feel burdened, but it was by trying to keep secrets that should not have been kept, because of those secrets I felt worthless. I also felt very alone, as if I did not belong anywhere.
After my first failed attempt I would soon move on to experimenting with self harm. I would cut myself on the wrist, just superficial cuts, but it was the start of conditioning my self to not being fearful of pain. Even as I would walk around with cuts upon my wrist no one would notice and if they did no one asked. I can't really say what hurt more. All I know is that it re-enforced my feelings of burdensome, lack of self worth and that no one cared. I now know that had the people in my life known they would have reached out and I guess that is my point....People end their lives because we tend not to notice or do not know how to ask those hard questions.

We'll see what happens................

Has you can tell I have renamed my blog. I was aiming for something more interesting...lol. Last night when I decided to change the name I thought that I would try to come up with a list of Seriosely More I....( fill in the blank) topics that I could write about. At this point I have 25 to start with. Some will be funny, some maybe seriouse and some maybe just rambelings. We'll see what happens. I would love to hear from anyone who might have idea's for me to write about, I think I might be up to the challenge :/

I hope this was somewhat more informative...smi.....