I never thought that I would see the day........
For the last 19 months I have been working with a company, that helps to provide care for people like myself that have a serious mental illness, to get a support group started for people who have attempted to end their own lives. I have mentioned before that I have attempted to end my own life several times, this last time was in July of 2009. I had no idea that it would change my life and bring me to where I am now. This is the start of something very exciting and I am still working on getting my head wrapped around just how big this could be.I really needed this great news because I have been in a strange mood lately.
Kind of like a holding pattern trying to figure out which path I am suppose to take. That's the reason I haven't really blogged much lately. I have been focusing on what I feel I need to be doing and there were just to many things distracting me. With the news of the start up of the support groups and I have also made the choice to got back to school and get my degree in General Psychology. It just feels right once again, as if I am back on track.
My Daughters visit was wonderful and I am always amazed at how totally awesome she is. We had a great time and she got her first tattoo, it is beautiful and fits her personality very well. It was a very cool experience to share with her.
Glad that my head feels a bit more like I'm back in the game and that I have the focus to blog again.
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Sunday, February 27, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Simply said..............
Simply said............ that I am so very excited that my daughter is coming to visit and will be here this afternoon. It has been a while since her and I have had time togther with it being just us. She needs it, I need it. My feet are not touching the ground.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Working on it..................
I know, it's been a while since I blogged last. A lot has been going on and finding quiet time to sit with my own thoughts and feelings has not been easy.
Hubby has been home for just about 2 weeks now. I have been working hard not to go back into our previously co-dependant relationship. Easier said than done. Hubby is still in a co-dependant place and I am kicking and screaming to not go back. Hubby thought that once the job ended he would find himself happy to be home, and to be honest I thought that I would be happier with him home. It didn't happen that way. Hubby ended up depressed and couldn't figure out why. I was trying very hard not to jump in and save him, it felt a bit like watching someone you love stand in a burning building and trying not to rush in to save them. Yes, I gave in. I did my best to help pull hubby out of his depression. This time I tried to go about it differently than I have in the past. I also told him I could not do this again. I want to be his wife, not his caretaker, not his mother, not his savior......just his wife and partner.
I asked him to take responsibility for his emotional health, to start finding what works for him. It has not been an easy process. The good news is that there have been some real break throughs for both of us. We are a work in progress.
Understanding that Hubby and I both came from invalidating childhoods means that we have a lot of challenges that are similar, if not some of the same. This is good because he is now open to exploring some of what I have learned in group about the behaviors and unmet needs that we carry because of our invalidating childhoods. No, I am not going to become his therapist, but I can share and see if he finds anything useful. I did share some of the things I learn in my group and some of the things from DBT that helped me. He actually was very interested and said later that it helped him a lot to better understand some of what was going on with himself. So I just I'll make a habit of allowing him to read my notes that I take in group.
Yesterday was hard. I indeed paid a price emotionally for all of the stuff going on. I had a lot of my own stuff to work through and had not been prepared for the backlash of not taking care of myself. Of course I should have known because I tend to do this to myself, but I ignored it. On the upside though it did give Hubby a better understanding of why we can not continue with things the way they are. We still have a long way to go but I am hopeful that we are headed in the right direction.
Did I mention that my daughter is coming into town in one day!!!!!! I am so looking forward to spending time with her. I can not even express just how excited I am, it has been way to long since I have had time with just my girl. I know that it will be good for both of us.
Hubby has been home for just about 2 weeks now. I have been working hard not to go back into our previously co-dependant relationship. Easier said than done. Hubby is still in a co-dependant place and I am kicking and screaming to not go back. Hubby thought that once the job ended he would find himself happy to be home, and to be honest I thought that I would be happier with him home. It didn't happen that way. Hubby ended up depressed and couldn't figure out why. I was trying very hard not to jump in and save him, it felt a bit like watching someone you love stand in a burning building and trying not to rush in to save them. Yes, I gave in. I did my best to help pull hubby out of his depression. This time I tried to go about it differently than I have in the past. I also told him I could not do this again. I want to be his wife, not his caretaker, not his mother, not his savior......just his wife and partner.
I asked him to take responsibility for his emotional health, to start finding what works for him. It has not been an easy process. The good news is that there have been some real break throughs for both of us. We are a work in progress.
Understanding that Hubby and I both came from invalidating childhoods means that we have a lot of challenges that are similar, if not some of the same. This is good because he is now open to exploring some of what I have learned in group about the behaviors and unmet needs that we carry because of our invalidating childhoods. No, I am not going to become his therapist, but I can share and see if he finds anything useful. I did share some of the things I learn in my group and some of the things from DBT that helped me. He actually was very interested and said later that it helped him a lot to better understand some of what was going on with himself. So I just I'll make a habit of allowing him to read my notes that I take in group.
Yesterday was hard. I indeed paid a price emotionally for all of the stuff going on. I had a lot of my own stuff to work through and had not been prepared for the backlash of not taking care of myself. Of course I should have known because I tend to do this to myself, but I ignored it. On the upside though it did give Hubby a better understanding of why we can not continue with things the way they are. We still have a long way to go but I am hopeful that we are headed in the right direction.
Did I mention that my daughter is coming into town in one day!!!!!! I am so looking forward to spending time with her. I can not even express just how excited I am, it has been way to long since I have had time with just my girl. I know that it will be good for both of us.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Working on the 8 attitudes for growth
Okay so in my group we have been talking about these 8 attitudes for growth and there are....
I also find that learning to be in the moment might be another good one to add to this list.
Much like the "B.S. that's not true list" there are things I know that I need to work on, and depending on where my head is at, what I need to work on changes. In looking back over the last couple of weeks I have been working on several of these "Attitudes".
Letting go is the one I find most challenging at this moment. There are emotions and experiences that are going on in my life right now that I would either like to push away because of the painful emotions involved, or I feel that I can not let go of because of painful past experiences. I do understand that for me to be able to move forward I need to let go of these things and to understand that letting go does not mean I have to forget. I can not allow the things in the past hold me in one place. I can not drag it around for my whole life like a ball and chain and not know what it is like to run free without limits.
To be honest there is apart of me that does find letting go a bit scary. It feels like saying good bye to a childhood companion. It means that I have to be willing to address emotions other than just the ones that come from my past. To learn how to overcome self doubt and insecurity. I am working on it.
In the mean time I will use positive self affirmations to help me move forward. I am a kind, caring and good person who is willing to try to make my life better through a deeper understanding of self.
- Gratitude: What are you grateful for
- Non-judging: Being an impartial witness to your experience, as well as that of others
- Patience: Understanding that growth happens in its own time
- Beginner’s mind: A mind that is willing to see everything as it is for the first time.
- Trust: A basic trust in yourself, your feelings and your experience.
- Non-striving: There is no goal other than for you to be.
- Acceptance: Seeing things as they actually are in the present.
- Letting Go: Letting go of the impulse to grasp or push away experiences.
Much like the "B.S. that's not true list" there are things I know that I need to work on, and depending on where my head is at, what I need to work on changes. In looking back over the last couple of weeks I have been working on several of these "Attitudes".
Letting go is the one I find most challenging at this moment. There are emotions and experiences that are going on in my life right now that I would either like to push away because of the painful emotions involved, or I feel that I can not let go of because of painful past experiences. I do understand that for me to be able to move forward I need to let go of these things and to understand that letting go does not mean I have to forget. I can not allow the things in the past hold me in one place. I can not drag it around for my whole life like a ball and chain and not know what it is like to run free without limits.
To be honest there is apart of me that does find letting go a bit scary. It feels like saying good bye to a childhood companion. It means that I have to be willing to address emotions other than just the ones that come from my past. To learn how to overcome self doubt and insecurity. I am working on it.
In the mean time I will use positive self affirmations to help me move forward. I am a kind, caring and good person who is willing to try to make my life better through a deeper understanding of self.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Working with unmet needs
Part of working through my own challenges comes from being able to recognize what my unmet emotional needs are. These are part of what I bring in to my adulthood from a invalidating childhood.
It really is no surprise to me that the events of last week gave rise to unmet emotional needs, but it is my responsibility to recognize them and learn how to ask that they be met. Understanding that they won't all be met.
So to begin, I have to observe what actions of say, my hubby or someone else close to me, are triggering strong emotional feelings. Then look at what those feelings are. Over the last week the feelings most present for me were....invalidation, neglect, frustration and anger. I then have to look and figure out what my unmet emotional needs are....in correlation to the emotions I have listed, my unmet needs are.......acknowledgement, security, trust and honesty. At this point I need to be able to make a request that my needs be met. I run into a challenge with this part for a couple of reasons, because I often feel selfish asking that my needs be met and when I do I have a hard time forming it in away that it is a request and not a demand. If I use the example from above my request to my hubby might look, or sound, something like this "I need a higher level of communication in our relationship so that I feel acknowledged, secure and an improved level of trust and honesty". I know at first this may look like a demand but, all I am doing is stating what I need. I accept that all my request my not be met. I can work with that.
The idea behind this is to acknowledge that sometimes the emotions we are having come from an invalidating place and unmet needs. We can then request those needs be met. Willing to accept they may not all be met. By acknowledging that it is okay, and that we are worthy, to ask that our needs be met we begin to validate ourselves.
It really is no surprise to me that the events of last week gave rise to unmet emotional needs, but it is my responsibility to recognize them and learn how to ask that they be met. Understanding that they won't all be met.
So to begin, I have to observe what actions of say, my hubby or someone else close to me, are triggering strong emotional feelings. Then look at what those feelings are. Over the last week the feelings most present for me were....invalidation, neglect, frustration and anger. I then have to look and figure out what my unmet emotional needs are....in correlation to the emotions I have listed, my unmet needs are.......acknowledgement, security, trust and honesty. At this point I need to be able to make a request that my needs be met. I run into a challenge with this part for a couple of reasons, because I often feel selfish asking that my needs be met and when I do I have a hard time forming it in away that it is a request and not a demand. If I use the example from above my request to my hubby might look, or sound, something like this "I need a higher level of communication in our relationship so that I feel acknowledged, secure and an improved level of trust and honesty". I know at first this may look like a demand but, all I am doing is stating what I need. I accept that all my request my not be met. I can work with that.
The idea behind this is to acknowledge that sometimes the emotions we are having come from an invalidating place and unmet needs. We can then request those needs be met. Willing to accept they may not all be met. By acknowledging that it is okay, and that we are worthy, to ask that our needs be met we begin to validate ourselves.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
What helped me process, working with my ANTs
One of the things that helped me process the overwhelming emotions from last week was of course blogging, but there are other things that also helped me.
I worked on two things, one is what A.N.T.s (Automatic Negative Thoughts) was I having challenges with, the second one was what were my emotional unmet needs and how to request that they be met.
I'll start with A.N.T.s and yes these are on the B.S. that's not true list.
#6 When something is bad or dangerous I must dwell on the possibility of it coming true. As I have said before I am a bit of a worry wort and I have to work on not allowing these A.N.T.s to get to me. I try to remind myself that like is drawn to like, so..... if I can focus on positive than positive will be more likely to be the energy that I bring to myself and the situation. I have been using my focusing to help me identify and move through my A.N.T.s and not dwell or make assumptions about the worst happening. I have to trust in a higher power.
#10 Other peoples moods or problems are upsetting and I must feel bad about them. Okay I don't have to feel bad about other peoples moods or problems. I can be compassionate and caring, yet I need to understand that sometimes what they are experiencing in their lives is part of their journey and pat of what they are to learn in this life.
Yes I know said the there were two things I worked on and the second was how to address getting my unmet needs met. I'll go into that in the next blog as it might be a bit longer.
I worked on two things, one is what A.N.T.s (Automatic Negative Thoughts) was I having challenges with, the second one was what were my emotional unmet needs and how to request that they be met.
I'll start with A.N.T.s and yes these are on the B.S. that's not true list.
#6 When something is bad or dangerous I must dwell on the possibility of it coming true. As I have said before I am a bit of a worry wort and I have to work on not allowing these A.N.T.s to get to me. I try to remind myself that like is drawn to like, so..... if I can focus on positive than positive will be more likely to be the energy that I bring to myself and the situation. I have been using my focusing to help me identify and move through my A.N.T.s and not dwell or make assumptions about the worst happening. I have to trust in a higher power.
#10 Other peoples moods or problems are upsetting and I must feel bad about them. Okay I don't have to feel bad about other peoples moods or problems. I can be compassionate and caring, yet I need to understand that sometimes what they are experiencing in their lives is part of their journey and pat of what they are to learn in this life.
Yes I know said the there were two things I worked on and the second was how to address getting my unmet needs met. I'll go into that in the next blog as it might be a bit longer.
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