The day that would change everything..............

     So many people have a hard time around the holidays. I didn't always. I can say that as a small child I enjoyed the holidays. My mother always made them special. The smell of homemade cookies and breads. I remember  how we always had a real tree. Mom always had the tree lights, ornaments and even the wrapping paper all  color co-ordinated. I remember Christmas eve at my grandparents house.We always got new pj's, it was one of the things I loved most. We would come home Christmas eve after spending it with grandma and grandpa, change into our new pj's, even if they were alittle scratchy. Then the three of us kids would rush downstairs so that we could open one present before we would go to bed and try to sleep. Yes, for the most part the holidays were good.
    My feelings about the holidays didn't change until I was 17, that is the year that my world and my family changed.
     I can't tell you what day it was, or why I had decided that day was the day to blow the lid off of my world. I don't know where the inner strength came from, or if it was just the need for the abuse to stop. I will, though, share with you what I do remember.........
     I sat on the curb outside, across the street from school, smoking a cigarett. It was a cold, cloudy, drizzly mid west day, it must have been early November. I didn't care how cold it was, or that I was getting soaking wet, as a matter of fact it felt good. I knew that this was the day something was going to change. I just had no idea how things would change.
   I was sitting in Math class and I don't really recall what I said, but I do remember getting up and walking out. I went down to the school's guidance counselor's office. They told me I would have to wait to speak with him. I had spoken to him many times before and for whatever reason I trusted him. I knew that I had to tell someone what was going on and he was the only person I could think of. I knew that if I waited to long the moment would pass. It was hard to wait, so walked across the street to smoke another cigarette. I came back into the school and told the lady in the office that I needed to see the guidance counselor right now and that I could not wait. She must have seen my distress because she went and got him right away.
   I remembe sitting in his office. I'm sure that I was telling him all of the things that had been going on for years at home. I just don't exactly remember what I told him, what his reaction was, what my reaction was. I only  remember bits and pieces. Like a glass that has been dropped on the floor and shattered, some pieces easy to see and then there are the little shards that you can barely see. I don't remember feeling anything, at least not until the police officers came. I felt humiliated, shame, dirty, as the two male officers started asking questions wanting details so that they could be sure I was not making a false report. Like I would make that shit up. I do remember the kids in school looking at me as I walked down the hall with the police officers. All of them looking on with a questioning glance. Hmmmm...If they only knew.
   The police station is a blur. I don't have any real memory of it, up to the time when my mother got there. I remember her face as she walked into the office where I was at. There was a look of pain and distress, I can't quite put it into words. She said nothing when she walked in. She came to me and wrapped her arms around me, that is when I remember feeling something. I was so overwhelmed with emotion that all I could do was cry and say "I'm sorry" she told me that I had nothing to be sorry for that I had done nothing wrong. I knew that life had changed and that it not only changed my life but, it would impact the whole family. I remember seeing my fathers face as they brought him into the police station, sad, scared, frightened. Once again the memory shatters. I don't recall anything from the rest of that day.
    I do remember, unfotunately, just how horrible that Christmas was. I don't really remember Thanksgiving but, Christmas was the hardest to live through. Our world was in shambles, a complete wreck, horrifing, disbelief in the ugly truth. My mother has shared with me just how dark and hard that Christmas was for her. She says it was a year that forever changed Christmas for her. Her idea of family was torn apart and as if that was not enough, her mother died that holiday season and I wrecked her car while she was out of state at her mother's funeral. There was pain all around me. I was blaming myself, the old "if I had just kept my mouth shut" was all I could hear in my head. I know that this is not right and I no longer feel this way, but at the time it was overwhelming. What I had hoped would end my pain, only change my pain. I had no idea how long it would take me to move out of that pain, the feelings of being victimized and start to try to live life.
   I'm glad that I can write about it, but I can tell that the scars are still there, those little shards of glass, the ones that get under your skin and you can't quite see.  Yes, I have an uneasy feeling in my chest, but nothing that I can't deal with. I needed to write about this day in my life, it was a day when everything changed, no matter what followed. My life, my world, my family, would never be the same.

Accept, adjust and be happy

     I'll admit that with change things have been challenging. I have begun to adjust and find that there are parts of me that are more understanding and patient. I woke up early this morning and laid in bed listening as hubby got ready to leave for the next several days again. I resisted the urge to get out of bed to spend time with him and found a sense of joy letting him have this part of his morning routine. I knew that this would be the one morning of the week that he would be able to give the dogs their treats, grab his cup of coffee and sit in front of the computer. I realized that this was important to him as it brings him a sense of normalcy.
   What I have found over the last several weeks, and did not see because I was caught up in change, was the things the have made me smile. When hubby calls and says he is coming home it is like the dogs aka: the "boys"(Charlie and Sammie) have ESP and know that daddy is on his way home. They sit on the back of the couch and look out the front window waiting with anticipation to hear is car before it even comes around the corner. How they know is beyond me. They remind me of two children, oh wait they are our children. The delight when they hear his car, they run to the door, bark until daddy comes in and says hello. Which means that daddy gets on the floor, they lick his face, chew on his ears and he pretty much looks like any young boy playing with his dogs on the floor with a smile on his face, that is priceless. Which is a sight that I love, because hubby is 6'4" and to see him on the floor playing with his boys makes me, and him, laugh out loud. This of course means that I get a kiss and a hug  after the dogs, which I have accepted. Even if it does mean that there is dog spit on his face. I just don't think it would be as cute if I jumped on him and started  licking his face. Of course when he leaves the boys will pine a bit for him and wait and watch for when he comes home.
   I have a renewed appreciation for doing nothing except sitting on the couch and watching crappy weekend TV. Why is it that even with all of the channels we get with cable TV there is still nothing worth watching? It doesn't really matter though because it is just nice to curl up on the couch and be able to put my head on his shoulder. It makes me smile that when he comes home my mom, who lives with us, feels the need to try to feed hubby as if she is feeding him for the whole week. Really, there is only so much he can eat in one weekend and only so much he can take with him. With all of the leftovers though, I don't have to worry about cooking for several days.
   I am learning that when I just allow things to unfold naturally and not worry about hubby leaving on Monday we both enjoy our time together. I don't spend my time trying to take care of him, he can relax and not worry about whether I'll have a tough time when he leaves. Shhhhhhh, don't tell anyone, but I have even started to actually enjoy being alone, that makes me smile.
   I have found that I like to do the things I want and not have to worry about being home at any given time. I can take long hot showers if I want, with out worrying about if I am leaving enough hot water for him. I can watch girl movies while curled up in bed with the dogs. I get to sleep in, or get up early. I can go shopping and not have to worry about how I'm going to get the new clothes past him. Yes, I am adjusting to being more independent. This weekend I even went to an art fair, all by myself, which I most likely would not have done if he were home, in the past. I'm starting to feel like the old me again. Confident of my own abilities to take care of things around the house. I even mowed the grass, cleaned up the front yard, took out the trash.
    I have learned that I do need to have a bit more structure to my days and to make list of the things I want to do. Which I am starting to get the hang of. I know that I feel better about myself and I think that hubby feels better about his choice to take the job, even though it means he's away from home. Yes, indeed I am finding things to smile about, even if it is the sound of hubby and the "boys" snoring at night and keeping me awake.
  So my goal is to try to continue to accept things for the way they are, adjust to being okay with being alone and to understand that my happiness is my responsibility.

#2 from the "Bullshit that's not true" list.

      I wrote a blog in Oct., the one that my counselor had given me the list and then told me that these are A.N.T.'s (Automatic Negative Thoughts) and that I was to respond to these thoughts with "Bullshit that's not true".
       So I'm working on  #2. I must do things right or I am an inadequate person. "Bullshit that's not true".
       With the hubby being gone, I have found that I have had more time to work on this. Okay, it's more like life has forced me to work on this. I have found myself trying to do everything just "right" so that I can make everyone happy, what I have found is that I am making myself unhappy. I know that I don't need to have the house spotless when hubby comes home to visit. If it was, he would think something was wrong, because I am not the spotless house type. Anyway he's just glad to be home. I have felt disappointed in myself since hubby has been working and isn't home all the time. I feel as if I have become less motivated to follow through on some of the projects I have started. I know that I should be okay with this, we are all allowed time to adjust to change.
        What I have started to understand for myself is that being self-organized and self-motivated are two very different things for me. I am organized, but self-motivated, maybe not so much...... and this is okay.
        I am learning that the only person who has the highest expectations of me, is me. Why I feel the need to be a perfectionist does not escape me, it is because I'm a control freak,......that will be addressed in another blog. My perception of what "done right" is not necessarily what others perception of "done right" is. I usually find that I am much harder on myself, like I said I am a self admitted perfectionist. I know that you guys can relate to this on some level. 
       This past weekend I was the only one who made me unhappy, because I was trying so hard to make everything "right" that I forgot to relax and have fun with hubby and enjoy him being home. Trying so hard to make it "right" I missed out. I ended up feeling awful when he left on Monday morning because I had a sense of failure. We talked on the phone Monday evening. He told me that all he wants to do when he comes home is to spend time with me, the dogs, be able to take a good hot shower and have a nice meal. I started to understand just how my perception of things are different from other peoples.
      So this week I have been finding ways to use my talents to organize, to help me find the motivation to move forward again on the path that I'm on. In being able to do this I feel better about me and I am finding that it is not as important if I am doing it "right" just the fact that I am doing is great.
       I am also aware that I don't want to do everything right all the time, it takes the fun out of it. Sometimes the best things come from coloring outside of the lines and not doing it "right".

P.S. I have reread this about three times now to make sure it's just "right"......LOL......I said I was working on this not that I had mastered it.

the begining of another week

   I can't say that I've adjusted to the hubby leaving every Monday morning and being gone for a week, because I haven't. I still stand at the front door and watch him drive away wiping tears from my face. Yesterday, frankly was the worst. I get caught in this trap in my head, I want everything to be just right when hubby comes home on the weekends. It has been a wonderful surprise the last two weekends when he calls and says he is coming home, I've been lucky that he has been able to come home. I know it is just around the corner when he calls and says he's not coming home that he has to work all weekend.
    I still want to make everything really nice when he comes home and I know that I am putting much higher expectations on myself than anyone else is, but I seem to do okay until Sunday and then I just kind of fall apart. I hate going through this and right now I don't care what the lesson is that I'm supposed to be learning from all of this being alone stuff. I hate feeling this emotionally raw and unsettled. It seems that I do okay by myself and that I usually get over this hump by Tuesday, but between Sunday afternoon and Monday night is very tough. Yesterday every time I looked at my hubby I started to cry. How much fun could that have been? I tried to explain what I was feeling but considering that I couldn't really put my finger on it, how was I suppose to tell him? I don't want him leaving feeling that he has to worry about me. I keep telling myself that there is something good that is going to come from all of this and I will learn something about myself. I just had to move through the first part of this so that I could try to move forward today, instead of sitting around crying, which is what in my heart I want to do, but isolation is not the answer...not sure what is.

What helped ?????? (Sorry this one is a bit long and alittle dry.)

 So what helped me move through the challenges of abandonment, fear and feeling unsafe?
     My counselor has been helping me work on a focusing therapy that helps me sense the problem in my body and work with it from that direction. It is similar to a guided meditation but with a specific goal in mind which helps me identify what the feeling is, where it is in my body, what it looks like and the emotion that goes with it. This process is kind of hard for me to explain and to put into proper words, although I wish I could because after using it I was able to make some real change in how I felt and move myself from a place of vulnerability to a place that feels safe.
      Below I have posted some information on focusing that I found on the internet. I did my best to edit it to help get the point across, without it being to clinical or boring or dry. I would say if it is something you wanted to try for yourself than do some research on the internet or ask your counselor if they might be willing to help you learn this.

    1. I believe the next right step in my life will occur when I turn to myself, when I pay attention to my inner experiencing. I do not believe that you know better than I what that next step will be.

   2. Who is "I"? "I" is nothing else but "I". "I" cannot be defined by anything else. Beyond the "I" there is no going back. Nevertheless there is more than "I". But this "more" is only accessible by or through the "I". Notice, that the "I" is not the same as the "ego". The "ego" is an object, the "I" is the subject. The "I" is blank. The "I" is free. The "I" is always there - even if it is sometimes or for a long time withdrawn, hidden or lost. It is neither sick nor healthy. It is always intact, inviolable.

    3. What does "myself" signify? "Myself" is what I am presently experiencing, everything I perceive within myself at the moment. What I perceive are contents. It is good and it does me good to perceive everything, whatever that may be. However, all that is not what I am, all that is what I "have". By becoming aware that I have these contents, I feel that the "I" is free. As long as I do not become aware of what is there, I believe all that is what I am. The "I" then is identified with contents and thus becomes an "ego". The "ego" is not able to be aware, is not able to face the "adopted" content. Because of the lack of relationship, of interaction between "ego" and content, the content cannot change. The content remains rigid. The manner of experiencing gets structure bound. Therefore this identification may give rise to many of those states we describe as "ill". This identification confines us, oppresses us, obstructs us, takes our breath away as well as our space.

  4. "To turn towards oneself" means to open towards the inner world, to be silent and attentive. To listen, to look, to feel inwardly. To listen with friendly ears, to look with soft eyes, to feel with free breath. Inner attention. "To pay attention" means: to be aware without valuing, without explaining, without describing. To become aware without words.

   5. Turning towards myself in this way immediately gives rise to a bodily feeling of increased freedom and, in the same time, of increased security. A whole mood of greater lightness comes up, even if the words that usually describe the contents which are in awareness sound unpleasant: loneliness, helplessness, tension, irritation, pain, etc. An inner, bodily felt space is created within in which the "I" is able to walk around, to choose, to look, to feel or to separate from something, to drop it, to pass it.

   6. If the "I" is turning towards a content and directing its attention towards the implicit part of this content, towards the felt sense, the "I" will sense something. This something is obviously already there (it is felt) but it is not complete, not finished yet. It is felt but not known, it is felt but not communicable, it is felt but it does not become an action yet. It is waiting for a carrying forward, it is demanding a next step. This step will change the something itself.

    7. This step forward will come "by itself", I don't have to figure it out. Therefore the step comes as a surprise. It comes because the body, the whole organism "knows" what it needs, "knows" what would be right, "knows" what the next step should be. Why does the body "know" all these things? Our body is a living process that has always interacted and is always interacting with its environment, in fact it has never actually existed without its environment. And thus it "knows" about its environment. Our body is an ongoing living process that grows by itself, that takes steps by interactive processes. It is neither a chaotic bundle of drives that one has to impose an order on, nor it is a white sheet on which environment first has to write its story, nor it is an empty box that is only filled by education, by the gathering of knowledge. Because we understand the organism, the body, the creature, the human being as a process that is environmental from the very beginning and that takes its own steps from this interaction with its environment.

    8. All this means: the body implies its next step. This order of carrying forward makes us understand exactly the inner logic of changing processes. The order of carrying forward defines, governs the changing processes, the therapeutic process.

   9. What is this order of carrying forward? This term says that the way the body discovers the next step that will carry forward the present process of experiencing has a certain order. The next step is not a logical result of what is already there, nevertheless this carrying forward does have a certain order. It is an order which is not yet finished. This order demands a carrying forward. The body (nature, felt sense, ...) is ready for the next step. But it is not easy to find one. Most of the questions or concepts do not lead to an experiential, felt step, do not carry forward the process (body, nature, ...). In Focusing Therapy we are looking for those concepts (questions, words, actions, ...) that bring this experiential step forward. Concepts (questions, actions, ...) leading to a bodily felt step forward give us the inwardly felt evidence that only these concepts, questions, concepts are right and "true". What was there before the step is changed by the step. Therefore every step changes the whole body - and the whole changed body, the changed felt sense is again ready for a next new step. Thus a changing process occurs. Looking backwards this process seems to be logical. Afterwards we can read an order (a logical one, a dialectical one, ...) into this process. But this later imposed order is not the "natural" order, it is the order made by our construction. The natural order is an order of carrying forward. Each carrying forward step is a new one, not completely determined by what had happened before the step.

    10. If in Focusing Therapy we use the word "body" we do not mean the body we can see from the outside, but the inwardly felt body. "Felt inwardly the body is directed towards the world and towards what has not happened yet, but may happen. ... The body is in the given situation and the situation also is in the body. Feelings are not inner objects, but the life of the body continuing in the environment"

     11.  The body is capable, but not obliged to proceed at any given moment. It may be that the next step won't come now. It is sometimes hard to find the right question, to find the right concept, to find the right symbol that carries forward the process. Insisting means delay, detours are only such in the light of specific intentions.

    12. Experiencing is expressed last of all in words. It manifests itself in bodily sensations, in feelings, in inner images - and also in words. Speech is not the only means of expression. Expression occurs above all directly through the body: in stopping or changing the body (its breathing, its skin and muscles, its posture, its expressions and gestures). It can also occur in painting, in dancing, in playing.
 
      13. Focusing therapy cannot be defined only by methods. We cannot and should not describe Focusing Therapy by listing specific techniques. In Focusing Therapy the client comes first - and after this we also are creating and using specific methods. Focusing therapy doesn't impose a method on another person.
Focusing Therapy can be a home coming, a coming home to oneself.

    Okay, I'm sorry that this was kind of long and a bit boring, but I worked with the focusing method on my own for three days in a row and by the third day I felt as if it had really helped me. Of course all of you know that I am always willing to put myself under the microscope and try to figure stuff out.
    What I can say is, whether it was the focusing, the blogging or just me dissecting it all, I am glad that some how I got myself and my emotions to move and change. It feels as if there is new light in what once a dark corner.

Working on # 9 of the "Bullshit that's not true" list.........

If you missed it you can read my previous blog "Bullshit that's not true" posted 10/08/2010
     #9 on the list was.... My past history determines my present behavior.
     Okay, now I get it. I have been allowing my past to effect my present behavior. All of this abandonment, fear and insecurity stuff has come from my past. So I ask myself why should I give it any more power in my life to make me unhappy? I shouldn't! I should respond as my counselor says " Bullshit that's not true". My past filled with abuse does not reflect my life as it is now. I have no reason to feel abandoned, scared or afraid. I am in a loving relationship, I am doing things I love and that I feel are important, I have people in my life who support me and believe in me unconditionally.
     If I continue to allow my past to effect my present then I am only continuing to give power to those who do not deserve to have any influence in my life. If my past history has any impact on my present life, which I know it does, it should be to make me stronger in my determination to have a happy and joyful life in spite of the abuse and not let it break me. I have moved through today and some where that 12 year old girl inside me has found her voice, but instead of her being fearful she has found courage and trust.
   I know that I will always carry the scars of the abuse and that they will push their way into my life but, I do not have to let them stay around and make me miserable because of someone else's behavior. I have been strong in the past and I have found courage I did not believe I had. I must trust that those things are still there. I can and will connect with them.
    So, as of today, I have a new understanding of #9 on my list and I feel that I can mark that one off .
 I am making the choice to move forward as the strong and courageous person I know I can be.
 
 

Vulnerable: susceptible to attack or damage.......

    Vulnerable: susceptible to attack or damage.......
    Feeling vulnerable in a lot of ways at the moment.
    The abandonment issues are not going away as easily as I wished they would. This really does not surprise me but, it also doesn't mean that I can't wish that they would go away easily. I do feel vulnerable, like I am just waiting for something to happen. It is an uneasy feeling to live with and a part of me just wants to find something to distract my attention from the issue. This is most likely not a good idea. I know that this issue is present because I need to deal with it and any distractions I may find my not be in my best interest considering that they would be for all the wrong reasons and it would most likely lead me into more trouble than anything else. I have, though, found a couple of safe things I can do to distract myself for a short time so I guess that may be a better option.
     I did go out and buy an exercise machine in hopes that it would help decrease some anxiety and help to keep my depression at bay. I now just have to get into the routine of using it every morning otherwise it will start to collect clothing or dust. I try to take the dogs out for a walk every evening, now that the weather is cooler. I am trying to watch what I eat so maybe I can get into better shape. I know I'm controlling all of the things I can and in someways that in it's self is a distraction to help me avoid the issue of abandonment.
     I am not comfortable being alone and I'm not sure that I ever will be, that remains to be seen. I did see pictures of my daughter and granddaughters last night on the computer and they are beautiful. It also made me cry because I miss them a lot. That seems to be a theme in my life right now, that space where loved ones are in your heart but not there physically. What can I tell you except that's what feeling vulnerable is like for me. That aloneness that won't go away and the fear that goes with being by ones self.
      Still I'm working on it and I'm doing the best I can. Some days are much easier than others and today does not feel it is going to be an easy one. The tears are just under the surface, emotions are raw and yes I am alone today. I guess my best bet is to finish this up, go get on my exercise machine before it starts to collect dust and move forward with my day from there. That' the best I can do for right now.

Just another life lesson to be learned....

   Okay, so I know that I am dealing with some depression and anxiety. I know that in part it is due to the resent changes at home, but I am struggling to find a way around them, maybe around them is not the way to phrase it, more like through them. I feel this sort of heaviness in my chest. I know that it is a physical sign of my emotional state. It is uncomfortable and sometimes hard to get a handle on, one seems to trigger the other.
  From my past understanding of my emotional triggers I know that I am also dealing with some,okay that is an understatement, abandonment issues.These seem to be my most challenging issues to deal with and I know that they are the ones I have avoided dealing with because they are the most uncomfortable ones. They leave me feeling vulnerable, unsure, unsafe and insecure. I get frustrated with feeling this way because I end up feeling weak. I know logically this is not the case and that I am a strong person with a lot of courage, how else would I have been able to get this far in my own recovery? My head seems to be racing as if trying to run from the issues, not wanting to slow down long enough for fear that they will catch up to me.......
  I think this is already happening. I am scared , yes, to face childhood issues once again. Sometimes it seems as if it is a never ending process. I often ask myself will I ever be free from the memories of childhood and I know the answer. I know that they are something that I will always carry with me. Honestly though I just wish I could forget them and experience life, even for a short time, without the pain. I do understand that I have a lot in my life to be thankful for.
   I can tell you that I now know that I have hit on the root of my present challenges as I am finding myself somewhat overwhelmed by a sadness that makes me cry. Not sure what I am crying about, whether it is for the things done in the past or the fact that the pain still is able to make me feel vulnerable and unsafe. No one at home tonight to help me, just me and my scared little girl inside. I understand that I am the only one who can make her and me feel safe and okay. I am doing my best to figure it out and I know that I will. In the end I will have learned something new about myself but, sometimes it is a painful process and healing sometimes comes slowly. I know not to fight this and to allow it to happen in the manner in which it is suppose to happen. In the mean time I will keep telling myself that it is okay, that I have nothing to fear and that little girl inside can be reassured that I will not let her be hurt or abused ever again.

Struggling to be independent...............

     I'm finding it tougher than I thought it would be to become independent again.
     It may be that being alone has trigger some old stuff. Ok, who am I kidding. I know that change for me tends to do this. Some of the issues go back to childhood and that feeling of being vulnerable. Without anyone else here the hurt little girl has come out of her dark corner and is telling me it's not safe to be alone and my adult is trying to calm her, let her know that everything is ok. I am struggling with getting out of the house to do things by myself yet, I know that I can not allow old behaviors to take up resendency.
    It took me years to learn how to really live on my own. For years I could not sleep with my bedroom door closed. I remember having my first apartment, I worked so hard to make my bedroom  a beautiful and quiet place to be, yet I always ended up sleeping on the couch. Well I'm not sleeping on the couch but the bedroom door is open. I can look at this and I know that I am safe but, that little girl is so very uneasy with change. I am trying to find things to go do, things that will bring comfort, pleasure and happiness into my life, with out anyone else being responsible for it.
   I was not expecting this. I have a tendency to look past the past and say that I have come to terms with it. Yet it is a part of who I am and it is something that I will always carry with me and I never know when it will be triggered. I've worked hard to understand my abusive childhood. I have for the most part done well. This is just a reminder that it is something that I will always carry with me, the scars are still there.
   I guess this is just another test and life lesson. One that I hope will help me see new strength in myself, but for right know I think it is okay to find someway to comfort that little scared girl so that I don't go into a depression, stay in my house and cut myself off from the world out side, because my adult knows that is not an option.
   On the upside the hubby is doing really good and sounds great when we talk on the phone. He is taking care of his own stuff and I am very happy to know that he is well. I have been trying not to share to much of my challenges with him,
A: because I don't want him to worry
B: because these are my issues and challenges.
   I will go and see him soon but, he won't be able to come home until Thanksgiving. I'm already counting the days. As my hubby once said to me " How can I miss you if you don't go away."  LOL....how true it is. We never know how much we will miss someone until they are not there.