Just another life lesson to be learned....

   Okay, so I know that I am dealing with some depression and anxiety. I know that in part it is due to the resent changes at home, but I am struggling to find a way around them, maybe around them is not the way to phrase it, more like through them. I feel this sort of heaviness in my chest. I know that it is a physical sign of my emotional state. It is uncomfortable and sometimes hard to get a handle on, one seems to trigger the other.
  From my past understanding of my emotional triggers I know that I am also dealing with some,okay that is an understatement, abandonment issues.These seem to be my most challenging issues to deal with and I know that they are the ones I have avoided dealing with because they are the most uncomfortable ones. They leave me feeling vulnerable, unsure, unsafe and insecure. I get frustrated with feeling this way because I end up feeling weak. I know logically this is not the case and that I am a strong person with a lot of courage, how else would I have been able to get this far in my own recovery? My head seems to be racing as if trying to run from the issues, not wanting to slow down long enough for fear that they will catch up to me.......
  I think this is already happening. I am scared , yes, to face childhood issues once again. Sometimes it seems as if it is a never ending process. I often ask myself will I ever be free from the memories of childhood and I know the answer. I know that they are something that I will always carry with me. Honestly though I just wish I could forget them and experience life, even for a short time, without the pain. I do understand that I have a lot in my life to be thankful for.
   I can tell you that I now know that I have hit on the root of my present challenges as I am finding myself somewhat overwhelmed by a sadness that makes me cry. Not sure what I am crying about, whether it is for the things done in the past or the fact that the pain still is able to make me feel vulnerable and unsafe. No one at home tonight to help me, just me and my scared little girl inside. I understand that I am the only one who can make her and me feel safe and okay. I am doing my best to figure it out and I know that I will. In the end I will have learned something new about myself but, sometimes it is a painful process and healing sometimes comes slowly. I know not to fight this and to allow it to happen in the manner in which it is suppose to happen. In the mean time I will keep telling myself that it is okay, that I have nothing to fear and that little girl inside can be reassured that I will not let her be hurt or abused ever again.