Vulnerable: susceptible to attack or damage.......

    Vulnerable: susceptible to attack or damage.......
    Feeling vulnerable in a lot of ways at the moment.
    The abandonment issues are not going away as easily as I wished they would. This really does not surprise me but, it also doesn't mean that I can't wish that they would go away easily. I do feel vulnerable, like I am just waiting for something to happen. It is an uneasy feeling to live with and a part of me just wants to find something to distract my attention from the issue. This is most likely not a good idea. I know that this issue is present because I need to deal with it and any distractions I may find my not be in my best interest considering that they would be for all the wrong reasons and it would most likely lead me into more trouble than anything else. I have, though, found a couple of safe things I can do to distract myself for a short time so I guess that may be a better option.
     I did go out and buy an exercise machine in hopes that it would help decrease some anxiety and help to keep my depression at bay. I now just have to get into the routine of using it every morning otherwise it will start to collect clothing or dust. I try to take the dogs out for a walk every evening, now that the weather is cooler. I am trying to watch what I eat so maybe I can get into better shape. I know I'm controlling all of the things I can and in someways that in it's self is a distraction to help me avoid the issue of abandonment.
     I am not comfortable being alone and I'm not sure that I ever will be, that remains to be seen. I did see pictures of my daughter and granddaughters last night on the computer and they are beautiful. It also made me cry because I miss them a lot. That seems to be a theme in my life right now, that space where loved ones are in your heart but not there physically. What can I tell you except that's what feeling vulnerable is like for me. That aloneness that won't go away and the fear that goes with being by ones self.
      Still I'm working on it and I'm doing the best I can. Some days are much easier than others and today does not feel it is going to be an easy one. The tears are just under the surface, emotions are raw and yes I am alone today. I guess my best bet is to finish this up, go get on my exercise machine before it starts to collect dust and move forward with my day from there. That' the best I can do for right now.