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Sunday, September 26, 2010
Just being a pain in the................
What can I tell you. I am just being a pain in the a$$. I am feeling grumpy and frustrated. My weight keeps going up and up. I know that this is most likely due to the medications I'm on. For those of us who have been on and off pshyc. medications this is not a new thing. I have all to often been put on a med and then told "this might cause some weight gain." What they don't tell you is that you will blow up to look like a puffer fish. I wonder do they get the extra challenges this puts on those of us who have a mental illness. I am already depressed and then you give me something that makes me fat and then you have the nerve to say to me when I come and visit that I need to keep my weight under control. Ok, you've made me self conscious which triggers me being depressed because I am feeling fat, self conscious because I'm fat and crazy, and now I don't want to get out of the house because I look like crap because my clothes don't fit, isolation. My husband, yes who is skinny, says "why don't you just go down to the pool and do some water exercises?" Yeah, right you want me to get past all my anxieties and self image issues and put on a SWIMSUIT..... and go to the public pool, for me this is more traumatizing than being called crazy. I have tried to tell myself that I would rather be fat and sane than skinny and crazy, that is just crap. I am not happy being fat and why can't I be at least at a reasonable weight and on my meds. I know, I know exercise, eat right, blah blah blah. I am trying these things and I know that it might help, but right know when I look in the mirror what I see and who I feel I am are two different people. This is a challenge many of us face and I feel double stigmatized, not only am I seriously mentally ill, but now I'm overweight. People will judge me faster for being overweight than for being crazy. You can't see crazy, you can see fat. I think you all can see that I could go around and around about this challenge. Sorry if I've offended anyone by my choice in words this morning. Well I'm going to go walk the dogs so that they can get some exercise and people can think to themselves, she's fat. I guess I could just get me a T-shirt that says "Medicated, Crazy and Fat... and I can read minds"....that should freak them out....
Friday, September 24, 2010
Looking for ???????
I saw my counselor yesterday and we are looking at what would be beneficial to work on next. We talked about several things and what I decided on was to work on the image I have of my self (unstable self image). I think, ok who am I kidding, I know that this is part of why I push myself so hard at times, and yes I could run through the whole list of things this impacts. I'm not sure that is relevant just yet, maybe in another blog.
Part of doing this is to have a something like a mission statement or a vision statement for my life.....ie. what is my life's mission, what is my life's work,what is my passion, my lifes philosophy........ I had never really thought about this.
I know what my passion is, that is to change the way people see mental illness, to reduce the stigma and guilt people attach to mental illness. Is it really what I'm looking for?? I don't know.
This is to be something that I live by and something I aspire to, something which helps to propell me through life even when things are tough. I know it is there. I just haven't ever really thought about it, much less tried to put it into words.
For me it has always just been a feeling, or a sense, that there was something more for me out there and that I had to have unconditional faith that I would end up where I needed to be. I just needed slow down long enough to hear what the universe was trying to tell me. Which I have not always been good at.
My counselor says that I might be able to find it in my blogs, that it is probably already there. So I guess I'll re-read them and see what jumps out at me.................................
...............Looking for???????????????????????????
I'll let you know when I find it. If you see before me let me know or at least give me a hint.
Part of doing this is to have a something like a mission statement or a vision statement for my life.....ie. what is my life's mission, what is my life's work,what is my passion, my lifes philosophy........ I had never really thought about this.
I know what my passion is, that is to change the way people see mental illness, to reduce the stigma and guilt people attach to mental illness. Is it really what I'm looking for?? I don't know.
This is to be something that I live by and something I aspire to, something which helps to propell me through life even when things are tough. I know it is there. I just haven't ever really thought about it, much less tried to put it into words.
For me it has always just been a feeling, or a sense, that there was something more for me out there and that I had to have unconditional faith that I would end up where I needed to be. I just needed slow down long enough to hear what the universe was trying to tell me. Which I have not always been good at.
My counselor says that I might be able to find it in my blogs, that it is probably already there. So I guess I'll re-read them and see what jumps out at me.................................
...............Looking for???????????????????????????
I'll let you know when I find it. If you see before me let me know or at least give me a hint.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Seriuosly More Indelible
Indelible- not capable of being removed or erased.................
Yes I am in a reflective mood this morning as it is my birthday. The past year has been more than I could have imagined, with all of it's ups and downs.
I have revisited emotional darkness that I had hoped I would never have to feel again.
I have seen support and understanding from unexpected places and people.
I have struggled and concurred.
I have learned so much more about myself and my own strength and courage.
I have found my voice and have learned to use it for the good.
I have gained a better understanding of my siblings and my mothers challenges in regards to our family.
I have built better and stronger relationships.
I have learned that my past is what makes me who I am.
I have had to accept personal responsibility for my past actions that may have hurt others.
I have tried to be a better person than I was last year.
I am trying to be more understanding of my husband.
I have learned that it is not all about me.
I have learned that each day is different, whether I like it or not.
I have learned that every year I live there will be things that leave an indelible mark on my life, good or bad it is what life's lessons are about. These lessons are not always easy and this year some of my lessons where very hard for me. Learning to trust, be vulnerable and trying not to worry about people judging me for who I am and the challenges I face. To understand that I have value and I need no ones approval to feel good about myself. My story is who I am and what make unique.
All of these things and so much more have an indelible impact on my life and I will make the most of the moment. I will remember that even the day to day moments hold something that I can be thankful for, even if at the time I can not see them. Love to all of my friend and family, I am truly thankful for all that I have and all that I have learned this year.
Yes I am in a reflective mood this morning as it is my birthday. The past year has been more than I could have imagined, with all of it's ups and downs.
I have revisited emotional darkness that I had hoped I would never have to feel again.
I have seen support and understanding from unexpected places and people.
I have struggled and concurred.
I have learned so much more about myself and my own strength and courage.
I have found my voice and have learned to use it for the good.
I have gained a better understanding of my siblings and my mothers challenges in regards to our family.
I have built better and stronger relationships.
I have learned that my past is what makes me who I am.
I have had to accept personal responsibility for my past actions that may have hurt others.
I have tried to be a better person than I was last year.
I am trying to be more understanding of my husband.
I have learned that it is not all about me.
I have learned that each day is different, whether I like it or not.
I have learned that every year I live there will be things that leave an indelible mark on my life, good or bad it is what life's lessons are about. These lessons are not always easy and this year some of my lessons where very hard for me. Learning to trust, be vulnerable and trying not to worry about people judging me for who I am and the challenges I face. To understand that I have value and I need no ones approval to feel good about myself. My story is who I am and what make unique.
All of these things and so much more have an indelible impact on my life and I will make the most of the moment. I will remember that even the day to day moments hold something that I can be thankful for, even if at the time I can not see them. Love to all of my friend and family, I am truly thankful for all that I have and all that I have learned this year.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Grief and Loss
I have heard it said the grief is a tough task master. It causes us to look at the things we fear most. I am sure the same can be said about anticipatory grief....
Anticipatory grief gives the family and friends more time to slowly get used to the reality of the loss. People are able to complete unfinished business with the dying person (for example, saying "good-bye," "I love you," or "I forgive you").
This maybe even a tougher task master than grief. I feel this because one has to be able to acknowledge the death before it happens, that in of it's self is tough. To face unresolved issues and address them while you can, not necessarily when you are ready. To deal with the death, the anger and the sadness it takes one to look at those things we hold dear and those things we want to ignore. So hear is where I start my journey. I know that my brother is not well and his doctors have told him that if he would quit smoking and drinking that he might have a couple more years. He has clearly said that he is not going to quit either one, his choice.
I find myself torn between anger and sadness. Anger at his choice to not listen. Sad because he feels no desire to live a longer life. I'm sure that if I would say it to him this directly he would debate it. He has been on this path for awhile knowing that because of how he choose to live his life, and is still living his life, that this has lead to the health problems he is now facing.
In this gray area of anticipatory grief I now have to learn how to face those things that I have wanted to hide away, mend fences, come to understand personal choice, learn to forgive, respect choice, stay in touch with compassion. I do well with all of these things in general, in my work and daily life. The challenge is that it is now my family, in my face so to speak, and this means that I must be willing to be vulnerable.
I know that the saying goes "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger" and this has been true in my life, but it does not mean that there is no pain in this process. Like I said this is only the beginning of this journey.
Anticipatory grief gives the family and friends more time to slowly get used to the reality of the loss. People are able to complete unfinished business with the dying person (for example, saying "good-bye," "I love you," or "I forgive you").
This maybe even a tougher task master than grief. I feel this because one has to be able to acknowledge the death before it happens, that in of it's self is tough. To face unresolved issues and address them while you can, not necessarily when you are ready. To deal with the death, the anger and the sadness it takes one to look at those things we hold dear and those things we want to ignore. So hear is where I start my journey. I know that my brother is not well and his doctors have told him that if he would quit smoking and drinking that he might have a couple more years. He has clearly said that he is not going to quit either one, his choice.
I find myself torn between anger and sadness. Anger at his choice to not listen. Sad because he feels no desire to live a longer life. I'm sure that if I would say it to him this directly he would debate it. He has been on this path for awhile knowing that because of how he choose to live his life, and is still living his life, that this has lead to the health problems he is now facing.
In this gray area of anticipatory grief I now have to learn how to face those things that I have wanted to hide away, mend fences, come to understand personal choice, learn to forgive, respect choice, stay in touch with compassion. I do well with all of these things in general, in my work and daily life. The challenge is that it is now my family, in my face so to speak, and this means that I must be willing to be vulnerable.
I know that the saying goes "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger" and this has been true in my life, but it does not mean that there is no pain in this process. Like I said this is only the beginning of this journey.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Which came fisrt Chicken or the Egg???????????????????
I guess I am hoping that by sharing things and information I have found it will help answer at least some of the questions that I not only ask myself but also get asked by others. The question that I have asked myself for years is, would I still have had a mental illness if it had not been for a traumatic childhood? I don't think that I will ever have an answer to that question, but the information I found on the deep limbic system though was interesting. In my group this week there was a lot of talk about the deep limbic system. So I did some digging around. This for me helped to explain a lot. I also understand better how my brain, my challenges and my childhood are tied together. I guess you could say that I am starting to figure out what came first the chicken or the egg.
The deep limbic system along with the deep temporal lobes have been reported to store highly charged emotional memories, both positive and negative. If you have been traumatized by a dramatic event, such as being in a car accident or watching your house burn down, or if you have been abused by a parent or a spouse, the emotional component of the memory is stored in the deep limbic system of the brain. On the other hand, if you have won the lottery, graduated magna cum laude, or watched your child’s birth, those emotional memories are stored here as well.
The total experience of our emotional memories is responsible, in part, for the emotional tone of our mind. The more stable, positive experiences we have the more positive we are likely to feel. The more trauma in our lives the more emotionally set we become in a negative way. These emotional memories are intimately involved in the emotional tagging that occurs.
Traumatic stress is found in many competent, healthy, strong, good people. No one can completely protect themselves from traumatic experiences. It is a matter of how these events can and do impact ones life. Although many people may have long-lasting problems following a traumatic event. People who react to traumas are not going crazy. What is happening to them is part of a set of common symptoms and problems that are connected with being in a traumatic situation, and thus, is a normal reaction to abnormal events and experiences. Having symptoms after a traumatic event is NOT a sign of personal weakness.
It has also been shown that the severity of abuse and age of abuse onset predicts many of the problematic behaviors that are common.
The deep limbic system lies near the center of the brain. Considering it’s size — about the size of a walnut — it is power-packed with functions, all of which are critical for human behavior and survival.The deep limbic system adds the emotional spice, if you will, in both positive and negative ways.
Limbic System Functions
I found much of this information at www.amenclinics.com
The deep limbic system along with the deep temporal lobes have been reported to store highly charged emotional memories, both positive and negative. If you have been traumatized by a dramatic event, such as being in a car accident or watching your house burn down, or if you have been abused by a parent or a spouse, the emotional component of the memory is stored in the deep limbic system of the brain. On the other hand, if you have won the lottery, graduated magna cum laude, or watched your child’s birth, those emotional memories are stored here as well.
The total experience of our emotional memories is responsible, in part, for the emotional tone of our mind. The more stable, positive experiences we have the more positive we are likely to feel. The more trauma in our lives the more emotionally set we become in a negative way. These emotional memories are intimately involved in the emotional tagging that occurs.
Traumatic stress is found in many competent, healthy, strong, good people. No one can completely protect themselves from traumatic experiences. It is a matter of how these events can and do impact ones life. Although many people may have long-lasting problems following a traumatic event. People who react to traumas are not going crazy. What is happening to them is part of a set of common symptoms and problems that are connected with being in a traumatic situation, and thus, is a normal reaction to abnormal events and experiences. Having symptoms after a traumatic event is NOT a sign of personal weakness.
It has also been shown that the severity of abuse and age of abuse onset predicts many of the problematic behaviors that are common.
The deep limbic system lies near the center of the brain. Considering it’s size — about the size of a walnut — it is power-packed with functions, all of which are critical for human behavior and survival.The deep limbic system adds the emotional spice, if you will, in both positive and negative ways.
Limbic System Functions
- sets the emotional tone of the mind
- filters external events through internal states (emotional coloring)
- tags events as internally important
- stores highly charged emotional memories
- modulates motivation
- controls appetite and sleep cycles
- promotes bonding
- directly processes the sense of smell
- moodiness, irritability, clinical depression
- increased negative thinking
- perceive events in a negative way
- decreased motivation
- flood of negative emotions
- appetite and sleep problems
- social isolation
I found much of this information at www.amenclinics.com
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Suicide Awareness Week Sept. 5th - 11th
Suicide Awareness Week and Suicide Awareness day is Sept. 10th. With that said it seems only right to share some of my challenges with suicide. I have mentioned before that my first attempt was at 12 yrs. old and it is clear that was not my last attempt. I have struggled with thoughts of suicide most of my life. I am lucky that I have survived my own attempts to end my life. I am lucky that I have survived with out there being any long term affects physically, although the emotional scars are still there. I try to look at those experiences now and draw some strength from them. They are a statement to my will to live.
As I said before that after my first attempt at 12yrs. old I continued with behaviors such as cutting, that in someways numbed me to the pain in my life. I guess for me the thought of physical pain played a part in which way I would attempt to end my life. Although it would be years before I made another serious attempt, and by serious I mean with the intention to die. I lived my life always taking risk that where self destructive and re-enforced my view that I was no good. Abusive relationships and reckless behavior where a way of tempting fate. I thought that it would catch up with me and maybe I wouldn't have to do the dirty deed myself. After living this way for several years and numerous calls from my school to my mother telling her that I must be doing drugs things once again moved into the direction of planning a way to end my life. My mother knew that I was not doing drugs, and indeed during those years I was not. We both knew something was going on but neither one of us could figure it out. I was frustrated and confused. When I was 17yrs. old I made a decision that effected my whole family. I had hoped that it would make things better at home. At first it did not and I was left feeling more guilt and desperation than before. I was angry with the world. I wanted answers and the only one I got was that I was just struggling because of childhood abuse. I knew that there was more to it than that. I can remember a time when I had been fighting with my boyfriend and he had taken the car keys from me and called my mom to come get me. I told her that the only way I would let her come pick me up would be if she promised to take me to the hospital and check me in to the mental health ward. Of course she said she would and didn't. The emotions of anger, confusion, guilt and rage consumed me. I became even more reckless in my behaviors, determined to end the pain I was feeling. I lived in a bubble of overwhelming thoughts and emotion, it was more than I could bear. While reckless behavior only added to my feelings of worthlessness I was always thinking about a way out (suicide). When I was 19yrs. old I made another attempt. I thought that this time there would be no way that I could walk away. I had been in an abusive, love, hate relationship for about three years at this time. The night before I had been drinking and my boyfriend and I had been fighting. I left his house at about 7:30 am to head for work, it was morning rush hour. I remember not really feeling anything and yet I was crying. I made my decision, at 80mph. I turned my car head on to the concrete bridge abutment and stepped down on the gas pedal. Those moments before impact I still remember as clearly as when it happened. The impact, sounds of breaking glass, the passer-by who pulled me out of my car through the passenger window. I am lucky that I did not hit any other cars and no one was seriously injured, including me. I had not a cut on me, my car was totalled and I was still alive, the overwhelming guilt and shame were present. I quickly had to make up some story before the police arrived to explain the "accident". I told no one for years the car wreck was indeed an attempt to end my life. Only recently have I been able to share this story with my mother. The healing continues, but the scars will always be there.
As I said before that after my first attempt at 12yrs. old I continued with behaviors such as cutting, that in someways numbed me to the pain in my life. I guess for me the thought of physical pain played a part in which way I would attempt to end my life. Although it would be years before I made another serious attempt, and by serious I mean with the intention to die. I lived my life always taking risk that where self destructive and re-enforced my view that I was no good. Abusive relationships and reckless behavior where a way of tempting fate. I thought that it would catch up with me and maybe I wouldn't have to do the dirty deed myself. After living this way for several years and numerous calls from my school to my mother telling her that I must be doing drugs things once again moved into the direction of planning a way to end my life. My mother knew that I was not doing drugs, and indeed during those years I was not. We both knew something was going on but neither one of us could figure it out. I was frustrated and confused. When I was 17yrs. old I made a decision that effected my whole family. I had hoped that it would make things better at home. At first it did not and I was left feeling more guilt and desperation than before. I was angry with the world. I wanted answers and the only one I got was that I was just struggling because of childhood abuse. I knew that there was more to it than that. I can remember a time when I had been fighting with my boyfriend and he had taken the car keys from me and called my mom to come get me. I told her that the only way I would let her come pick me up would be if she promised to take me to the hospital and check me in to the mental health ward. Of course she said she would and didn't. The emotions of anger, confusion, guilt and rage consumed me. I became even more reckless in my behaviors, determined to end the pain I was feeling. I lived in a bubble of overwhelming thoughts and emotion, it was more than I could bear. While reckless behavior only added to my feelings of worthlessness I was always thinking about a way out (suicide). When I was 19yrs. old I made another attempt. I thought that this time there would be no way that I could walk away. I had been in an abusive, love, hate relationship for about three years at this time. The night before I had been drinking and my boyfriend and I had been fighting. I left his house at about 7:30 am to head for work, it was morning rush hour. I remember not really feeling anything and yet I was crying. I made my decision, at 80mph. I turned my car head on to the concrete bridge abutment and stepped down on the gas pedal. Those moments before impact I still remember as clearly as when it happened. The impact, sounds of breaking glass, the passer-by who pulled me out of my car through the passenger window. I am lucky that I did not hit any other cars and no one was seriously injured, including me. I had not a cut on me, my car was totalled and I was still alive, the overwhelming guilt and shame were present. I quickly had to make up some story before the police arrived to explain the "accident". I told no one for years the car wreck was indeed an attempt to end my life. Only recently have I been able to share this story with my mother. The healing continues, but the scars will always be there.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Sunday Morning Rambling Thoughts
Sunday morning....My brother's trip is coming to an end soon.
I am thankful that he is here, yet there is a part of me ready to have our household back to what is our norm. I have come to wonder to myself how is it that out of such pain, abuse and disfunction we have managed to still have a core family? There is disfunction and issues from childhood that effect our family and I know that won't ever really go way. I look at what my family is and who we are. I realize that even with the baggage we carry there is a strength and courage that we have, even if for some of us we are just realizing our true strength and resiliency. Often I here stories of childhood abuse and see the life long pain that it causes, my family in that aspect is no different. We have started to change as a family, and I believe that it is because we have stepped out of the shadows willing to have open conversations about our own pain. When we are able to do this it allows for better understanding and a place for healing and support to take place.
There is a part of me that is sad because I wonder what our family could have been like had there been no abuse. I wonder if my brothers life would have been better had he not carried such pain and anger for so many years? What would my sisters life been like had she not felt the need to escape from our home by getting married at such an early age? How would my mothers life been different? I know for myself I can say that I am where I am because of my childhood and I am good with that. I know that my past has and is an important part of what I bring to the work I do. The same can not be said for my brother and sister. I do feel a since of sadness because of this. I do try to remind myself that it is not my place to carry that burden. Yet it is hard to see that I am succeeding in my life and making the most out of what I have only to watch and realize that my siblings lives have been impacted in a much less positive way. This is not to say that they are not happy with the lives they have, because they are. I just wonder what life would have held for them if things had been different. Would they be the ones to succeed and I be the one to struggle? Would we all have found away to reach our full potential?
I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness because we will never know what was lost, or what might have been. Yes there is part of me that feels even some guilt for being the "strong one" in the family and finding a way to make the most of what happened.
Yes it is often said that life is what you make of it, but why do some of us see beauty when others see something so ugly? Why is it some of us see light when others see dark? Is it that I see something different in my childhood that my siblings can not? And if that is indeed the case, how I wish that even if for just a day I could share with them the view from where I stand.
I love you and am blessed that you are my family.
I am thankful that he is here, yet there is a part of me ready to have our household back to what is our norm. I have come to wonder to myself how is it that out of such pain, abuse and disfunction we have managed to still have a core family? There is disfunction and issues from childhood that effect our family and I know that won't ever really go way. I look at what my family is and who we are. I realize that even with the baggage we carry there is a strength and courage that we have, even if for some of us we are just realizing our true strength and resiliency. Often I here stories of childhood abuse and see the life long pain that it causes, my family in that aspect is no different. We have started to change as a family, and I believe that it is because we have stepped out of the shadows willing to have open conversations about our own pain. When we are able to do this it allows for better understanding and a place for healing and support to take place.
There is a part of me that is sad because I wonder what our family could have been like had there been no abuse. I wonder if my brothers life would have been better had he not carried such pain and anger for so many years? What would my sisters life been like had she not felt the need to escape from our home by getting married at such an early age? How would my mothers life been different? I know for myself I can say that I am where I am because of my childhood and I am good with that. I know that my past has and is an important part of what I bring to the work I do. The same can not be said for my brother and sister. I do feel a since of sadness because of this. I do try to remind myself that it is not my place to carry that burden. Yet it is hard to see that I am succeeding in my life and making the most out of what I have only to watch and realize that my siblings lives have been impacted in a much less positive way. This is not to say that they are not happy with the lives they have, because they are. I just wonder what life would have held for them if things had been different. Would they be the ones to succeed and I be the one to struggle? Would we all have found away to reach our full potential?
I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness because we will never know what was lost, or what might have been. Yes there is part of me that feels even some guilt for being the "strong one" in the family and finding a way to make the most of what happened.
Yes it is often said that life is what you make of it, but why do some of us see beauty when others see something so ugly? Why is it some of us see light when others see dark? Is it that I see something different in my childhood that my siblings can not? And if that is indeed the case, how I wish that even if for just a day I could share with them the view from where I stand.
I love you and am blessed that you are my family.
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