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Saturday, July 31, 2010
Gentle Reminder
I got a gentle reminder from my Higher Power today. A person's success in recovery is not measured by another person's yard stick, but by the one they create for themselves. What may seem as a small step forward to others may be a huge leap of faith to them and we must learn to acknowledge that. Any steps forward are wonderful and that by just being human we sometimes take small steps backwards, it is what we do , but the fact that a person is in motion towards recovery is a wonderful and sometimes scary thing. One person's recovery can not be the measuring stick for another's recovery. So today I will go forward with love and hope that each person finds their own yard stick by which to measure recovery and not be held to someone else's standards.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
The Bi-Polar express
People have often heard me describe bi-polar as a roller coaster. Sooo today I thought I would share the ride.
Let me help to set the stage. We are all excited as we stand in line waiting for our turn. We see people getting on and off of the ride, some laughing and some crying. Now it is finally our turn, yeah.......
"Everyone please step into the car and be seated. Please make sure that you keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times". The lap bar moves into place and we hear it click, that sound means you can’t get out now (this is what I call my anxiety stage).... We slowly move out of the station, click, click, click... up we go. The view is nice as we go up (feeling happy)... not so scary, click click click. Then there we are at the top, we want to take a look around but(manic)...before we know it we are screaming downhill (depression), Hey what just happened to the view I was enjoying. As we hit the bottom at break neck speeds we are thrown around a sharp right turn (fighting the depression), hang on because there is a cork screw turn that is sure to make you feel as if your world is topsy turvy (self explanatory). Okay we think "I made it through that"(feeling stable) wait, up we go, click click, click, another nice view (higher energy but not manic).....and down at break neck speeds this time into a dark tunnel that seems like it is not going to end (deep depression, maybe even suicidal). Then wooosh out the other end we fly around another sharp left hand turn (okay moved past the dark depression). Just enough time to catch our breath and we are slingshoted around another series of turns, and up hill we go again, click ,click, click....one last drop downhill at break neck speeds.. Then we hear a woosh and feel the car start to slow as we pull into the station. “Hope you enjoyed your ride please exit the car to your left and have a nice day" the catch is that you don't get to leave......Yes sometimes this ride makes me laugh, it makes me cry, and some days it just scares me.... I also want you to know that there are some great things about my life and I think if we all take a closer look at the roller coaster we would find that whether you are challenged with a mental illness or not that we can all most likely relate to a lot of these feelings. What it means is that I am not all that different from anyone else....I just ride the ride more often some days.
Let me help to set the stage. We are all excited as we stand in line waiting for our turn. We see people getting on and off of the ride, some laughing and some crying. Now it is finally our turn, yeah.......
"Everyone please step into the car and be seated. Please make sure that you keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times". The lap bar moves into place and we hear it click, that sound means you can’t get out now (this is what I call my anxiety stage).... We slowly move out of the station, click, click, click... up we go. The view is nice as we go up (feeling happy)... not so scary, click click click. Then there we are at the top, we want to take a look around but(manic)...before we know it we are screaming downhill (depression), Hey what just happened to the view I was enjoying. As we hit the bottom at break neck speeds we are thrown around a sharp right turn (fighting the depression), hang on because there is a cork screw turn that is sure to make you feel as if your world is topsy turvy (self explanatory). Okay we think "I made it through that"(feeling stable) wait, up we go, click click, click, another nice view (higher energy but not manic).....and down at break neck speeds this time into a dark tunnel that seems like it is not going to end (deep depression, maybe even suicidal). Then wooosh out the other end we fly around another sharp left hand turn (okay moved past the dark depression). Just enough time to catch our breath and we are slingshoted around another series of turns, and up hill we go again, click ,click, click....one last drop downhill at break neck speeds.. Then we hear a woosh and feel the car start to slow as we pull into the station. “Hope you enjoyed your ride please exit the car to your left and have a nice day" the catch is that you don't get to leave......Yes sometimes this ride makes me laugh, it makes me cry, and some days it just scares me.... I also want you to know that there are some great things about my life and I think if we all take a closer look at the roller coaster we would find that whether you are challenged with a mental illness or not that we can all most likely relate to a lot of these feelings. What it means is that I am not all that different from anyone else....I just ride the ride more often some days.
Monday, July 26, 2010
STRESSSSSSSSSSSSS
I know, stress is no stranger to any of us. So the question is how do we keep from going crazy in times like these. Well for starters I have an advantage as I am already S.M.I., so I think I have the crazy part covered,LOL.
It takes some thinking to stop one's self in the middle of a full on scream, hair pulling, tears running down the face, stressed out moment.
I would say go with the flow and once the first wave of stress has passed find something positive to look at in your life.
I know for me there are options, although they may not be my first choice but hey when it comes down to it at least I have options, right?. I know some of you are rolling your eyes right about now and saying that this is easier said than done.
Maybe so, but I would rather look hard at my life and see the things I should be thankful for than to stay stressed out. We all have those things in our lives that should not be effected by the influnces of the outside world, that which lies just beyond our front doors. Holding hands, cost? nothing, Talking to the people you love, cost? nothing, Having your pet love you unconditionally, cost? you got it, nothing.
So I guess my point is, even though stress is part of life we can choose just how much we are going to allow it to invade on what makes us happy.
It takes some thinking to stop one's self in the middle of a full on scream, hair pulling, tears running down the face, stressed out moment.
I would say go with the flow and once the first wave of stress has passed find something positive to look at in your life.
I know for me there are options, although they may not be my first choice but hey when it comes down to it at least I have options, right?. I know some of you are rolling your eyes right about now and saying that this is easier said than done.
Maybe so, but I would rather look hard at my life and see the things I should be thankful for than to stay stressed out. We all have those things in our lives that should not be effected by the influnces of the outside world, that which lies just beyond our front doors. Holding hands, cost? nothing, Talking to the people you love, cost? nothing, Having your pet love you unconditionally, cost? you got it, nothing.
So I guess my point is, even though stress is part of life we can choose just how much we are going to allow it to invade on what makes us happy.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Sunday Morning and something is missing
Coffee,check,Newspaper,check,........... What is it that I'm missing?
OOOh I know getting up and going downstairs to meet and talk with friends. I seem to always go through this kind of withdrawal after a conference. Indeed they do wear me out, but I meet some amazing people and strengthen my relationships with the people I already know. I wish in some way that others who struggle with mental illness could see the compassion and desire to change our system of care these people have.
What I mean by "these people" are the researchers, doctors, providers of care. They are often the ones that we feel don't get it and that they would rather write us a script and send us on our way. If you could see what I see you would understand that this is not the case. What I have seen at conferences is that they do want change, as much as we do. It seems that what is getting in the way is the politicians and the constrained budget. And I should make this very clear, NOT ALL politicians fall into this catagory.
This week I have met several who swim against the current and are fighting to protect our vunrable populations. Many of us who have had our lives changed recently due to budget cuts are mad, angry, confused and we have a right to those feelings. I just think that often they are directed at the wrong people. To make true change in our system of care we need to get involved so that those who are making the descions about budget cuts have a human face to look at and a real idea of how it impacts our lives. What is missing ...... a human face, someone who is willing to share their story, someone willing to get involved and to help those making choices in the legistation to see people with mental health challenges as people worth protecting.
OOOh I know getting up and going downstairs to meet and talk with friends. I seem to always go through this kind of withdrawal after a conference. Indeed they do wear me out, but I meet some amazing people and strengthen my relationships with the people I already know. I wish in some way that others who struggle with mental illness could see the compassion and desire to change our system of care these people have.
What I mean by "these people" are the researchers, doctors, providers of care. They are often the ones that we feel don't get it and that they would rather write us a script and send us on our way. If you could see what I see you would understand that this is not the case. What I have seen at conferences is that they do want change, as much as we do. It seems that what is getting in the way is the politicians and the constrained budget. And I should make this very clear, NOT ALL politicians fall into this catagory.
This week I have met several who swim against the current and are fighting to protect our vunrable populations. Many of us who have had our lives changed recently due to budget cuts are mad, angry, confused and we have a right to those feelings. I just think that often they are directed at the wrong people. To make true change in our system of care we need to get involved so that those who are making the descions about budget cuts have a human face to look at and a real idea of how it impacts our lives. What is missing ...... a human face, someone who is willing to share their story, someone willing to get involved and to help those making choices in the legistation to see people with mental health challenges as people worth protecting.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Just a quick hello
It has been a long week and I met some very interesting people, got to hang out with people I already knew but had not seen in a while, made new friends, made new contacts, yad yad yad......... I'm tired wore out and focus challenged at the moment. I hope that tommorrow I will be able to start to put it all into words to share with everyone and to start the mental sort and file of what info. I've got stuffed into my brain.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Moving forward
Feeling a bit down this morning.Well maybe down is not the right word for it, more like sort of sad but no tears, anxious but no need to hide, restless but no desire to get out of the house. I know that it will pass, but I want it to go away now...... Okay so what can I do to help myself move forward today? I know that if I just sit in this place today it will not change nor will it help me, although somedays that is just what I need to do but not today. I can try to focus on the little things that I am happy for right now in the moment. Hot cup of coffe, my computer,lol, the fact that my husband is cleaning up the kitchen, okay that's a start.
Maybe I am feeling more of everything right now as the 1yr anniversary of my suicide attempt is tommorrow. So many things have happened this year. Sometime I don't feel as if I am worthy to have been so blessed over the last year. Okay hear come the tears, I guess I must have hit my own nerve.
Surviving suicide is hard, plan and simple. There are many challenges that one faces. I am talking as a survivor of a personal attempt, as I know that the challenges for family members are different. There is the coming to terms with ones self that you failed, fear to tell people, yet for myself telling my story has given me back meaning and purpose in my life. There is fear of how others will see you, the questions that make no sence, like... what were you thinking? what hurt so bad? what about your family?
I'm sure those who are asking think they are helping. What one needs to understand is when I am in that place where suicide is even a thought and moving towards action I am in such emotional pain I am not thinking about anything but ending the unbearable weight of the dark emotional hurt that I am crumbiling under. I hope that I will never have to visit that place again and yet I accept the fact that because I have a serious mental illness along with the fact that my first attempt was when I was 12 and I have continued to attempt many times over the years, I most likely will visit that dark corner of myself. I hope that I will be able to just move pass it and not feel the urge to go into it.
How does one celebrate life when such pain made you want to end it?
Well I have a busy week ahead and I am thankful. I will be traveling out of the heat of phoenix and going up the road to sedona. I know that it's not far but it is a beautiful place and one of my favorite places to just center myself. I think that might be a very good place for me to spend this 1yr anniversary.
I'll write more next weekend when I return home.
Maybe I am feeling more of everything right now as the 1yr anniversary of my suicide attempt is tommorrow. So many things have happened this year. Sometime I don't feel as if I am worthy to have been so blessed over the last year. Okay hear come the tears, I guess I must have hit my own nerve.
Surviving suicide is hard, plan and simple. There are many challenges that one faces. I am talking as a survivor of a personal attempt, as I know that the challenges for family members are different. There is the coming to terms with ones self that you failed, fear to tell people, yet for myself telling my story has given me back meaning and purpose in my life. There is fear of how others will see you, the questions that make no sence, like... what were you thinking? what hurt so bad? what about your family?
I'm sure those who are asking think they are helping. What one needs to understand is when I am in that place where suicide is even a thought and moving towards action I am in such emotional pain I am not thinking about anything but ending the unbearable weight of the dark emotional hurt that I am crumbiling under. I hope that I will never have to visit that place again and yet I accept the fact that because I have a serious mental illness along with the fact that my first attempt was when I was 12 and I have continued to attempt many times over the years, I most likely will visit that dark corner of myself. I hope that I will be able to just move pass it and not feel the urge to go into it.
How does one celebrate life when such pain made you want to end it?
Well I have a busy week ahead and I am thankful. I will be traveling out of the heat of phoenix and going up the road to sedona. I know that it's not far but it is a beautiful place and one of my favorite places to just center myself. I think that might be a very good place for me to spend this 1yr anniversary.
I'll write more next weekend when I return home.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Saturday...............One of those days
It's one of those kinda of days, you know the kind. You want to stay in bed a little longer, not do anything that requires you to think, just allowing yourself to be in the moment without rushing. Although I would love to be able to honestly say that is what I'm going to do I would be lying through my teeth. I couldn't sleep last night. Stresses of the day to day stuff that we all are challenged with in this world whether it be money, which there seems to be a shortage of, tension in relationships, most likely caused by lack of money, lack of sleep, most likely caused by both of the above, and we know that the list could go on.
How then do we manage to take care of ourselves in such tough times? I'm not sure that I have that one completely figured out. I try to remind myself that unconditional faith and trust will help work things out. Some have said to me "well that's just blind faith" maybe so... but maybe it is just my way of stepping aside and letting the universe move me along my intended path in life, or it just could be my way of dealing with the stress. I try to remember that it does me no good to worry about money that isn't there, worrying is not going to make it magically appear in my bank account. If I can do that then my relationships seem less stressed because I'm not adding to the negative energy in the household. Wow now maybe I can have one of those Saturedays......I'm thinking a good cup of coffe, walk the dogs, take a nap today, hot bath and giving myself grace to just be in the moment..... of course I have to check my bank account first to make sure none of the bills bounced....LOL...Not really I did that before I wrote this sillies. Hope that everyone can find some way to have "One of those days" remember to be patient with yourself because we all have our moments and it's okay.
How then do we manage to take care of ourselves in such tough times? I'm not sure that I have that one completely figured out. I try to remind myself that unconditional faith and trust will help work things out. Some have said to me "well that's just blind faith" maybe so... but maybe it is just my way of stepping aside and letting the universe move me along my intended path in life, or it just could be my way of dealing with the stress. I try to remember that it does me no good to worry about money that isn't there, worrying is not going to make it magically appear in my bank account. If I can do that then my relationships seem less stressed because I'm not adding to the negative energy in the household. Wow now maybe I can have one of those Saturedays......I'm thinking a good cup of coffe, walk the dogs, take a nap today, hot bath and giving myself grace to just be in the moment..... of course I have to check my bank account first to make sure none of the bills bounced....LOL...Not really I did that before I wrote this sillies. Hope that everyone can find some way to have "One of those days" remember to be patient with yourself because we all have our moments and it's okay.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Survivor Poem written by me 4yrs ago
This is one of several poems I wrote as I began to embark on my recovery journey. I read it today and I am happy that there is nothing about what this poem says to me that I would change. I still love to Bask in the rays and feel the strength for the battles I have if not won but survived.
Survivor the definition of me
I am strong, I am smart,
I can stand on my own two feet
Others may have seen me as weak.
I have been battered and bruised
And brought to my knees.
In my darkest hours
You could hear my pleas,
Help me, Help me someone please help me
When in a silent moment
the sun peeks through
I think to myself, help me to help myself
As I stand face turned to the sun
Basking in the rays and the glory of ME
I AM A SURVIVOR
that is the definition of ME.
Survivor the definition of me
I am strong, I am smart,
I can stand on my own two feet
Others may have seen me as weak.
I have been battered and bruised
And brought to my knees.
In my darkest hours
You could hear my pleas,
Help me, Help me someone please help me
When in a silent moment
the sun peeks through
I think to myself, help me to help myself
As I stand face turned to the sun
Basking in the rays and the glory of ME
I AM A SURVIVOR
that is the definition of ME.
What can I say?
Since I'm new to this I thought I would share a little bit about myself. Okay maybe just some of the interesting things.
It is coming up on my one year anniversary of my last attempted suicide and in some ways it is hard for me to think that I would have been in such emotional pain that I would have wanted to end my life. I know that as a person who has a serious mental illness, or as I like to say seriously more interesting, that there have been many times that I have struggled with thoughts of suicide. It seems to have always been lurking around in the dark corners of my life. This year I have still had my moments but I have also discovered that my passion for living has grown. I know that part of that reason is because of what I am now doing in my life.
You know that saying ..." Do what you're good at and you'll succeed" it makes me laugh because what I'm succeeding at is the fact that I didn't succeed in ending my life.
What can I say? I would never have guessed last year that my life would be what it is now or that I would have the opprotunities that I do. Never would I have thought that trying to end my life would have given me such a passion to live. I am not yet sure how I will celebrate this anniversary, but I think it will indeed be a celebration of life.
It is coming up on my one year anniversary of my last attempted suicide and in some ways it is hard for me to think that I would have been in such emotional pain that I would have wanted to end my life. I know that as a person who has a serious mental illness, or as I like to say seriously more interesting, that there have been many times that I have struggled with thoughts of suicide. It seems to have always been lurking around in the dark corners of my life. This year I have still had my moments but I have also discovered that my passion for living has grown. I know that part of that reason is because of what I am now doing in my life.
You know that saying ..." Do what you're good at and you'll succeed" it makes me laugh because what I'm succeeding at is the fact that I didn't succeed in ending my life.
What can I say? I would never have guessed last year that my life would be what it is now or that I would have the opprotunities that I do. Never would I have thought that trying to end my life would have given me such a passion to live. I am not yet sure how I will celebrate this anniversary, but I think it will indeed be a celebration of life.
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