Processing Emotions part 3 , the unexpected reality

   Well as I have shared that since Thursday I have been processing some raw emotions that not only triggered my PTSD but also challenged me because I have felt helpless. The feeling of being scared and helpless is that 12yr.old  inner girl, helpless is the mother who knows that there is no magic "fix it" button for her child, even though "fixing it " for them would not be the best solution. I am slowly working through these emotions. I feel that to understand I need to be able to look at what I am feeling, where it came from, what unmet emotional needs and what automatic negative thoughts should be addressed.
    I felt that I was doing pretty good with all of this until......My sister called Friday night, and I have not been able to really think about this without crying. As I have mentioned before, my brothers health is not good and  that our family has been starting the process of anticipatory grief. The reason my sister called  was to tell my mom and I that he is in stage 2 liver failure and that if he does not quit drinking right now, and that means RIGHT NOW! he will most likely move to stage 4 very quickly ( which can happen in as little as 48 to 72 hrs.) and from that point he will have maybe 4 months. My sister knows this all to well as she was a nurse and also lost her husband several years back to the same fate. My brother's Dr. said that he would be surprised if my brother made it to his next appointment, which is in 4 months. It is not unthinkable that my brother who has been a life long alcoholic could be so scared of losing his life that indeed he never picks up a drink again, but I know how hard it is to be in recovery and living with a spouse who is not in recovery and is still actively drinking.
  Yes, once again I have an overwhelming sense of helplessness. There is no "fix it" button in this life and sometimes that hurts. To sit and watch the pain on my moms face as she begins to understand that she will out live her son is almost unbearable, the pain, frustration and anger. She is doing what she knows how to do and that is to put up a stoic front because she can not bear the reality of the pain at this moment. I am numb, emotions to raw to feel. I know that with my brother being so ill and knowing that we will lose him, I also understand that this event will impact and change my family forever. I know the there is a chance that my mother will finally confront my father about his treatment of us kids, she has held these emotions in for way to long. It will indeed raise many questions among the grand kids and a lot of old stuff may have to be talked about.
    I am still processing this and I know that this will take a very longtime for me to work through. Yes, I am scared and feeling helpless, yet I know that I will find the strength somewhere inside to move through this. That is not to say that the pain, raw emotions and the anticipatory grief will demand some very focused effort on my part so that I don't get thrown into a tailspin.

Processing Emotions part 2

Well I left off on Thursday, so that is where I'll pick up.
  Processing challenge #2......Just after I got off the phone Thurs. evening with Hubby my daughter called. I hear her sobbing and I hear the hurt and confusion in her voice. Every maternal instinct when on high alert. She and her husband's marriage has not been on steady ground for sometime. Anyway, she called and told me about the fight they just had and how she was feeling. She wasn't sure if her marriage was over,or what to do. Needless to say my heart was breaking at this point because she lives so far away and all I wanted was to be there for her. I spent time talking to her on and off through out the evening.
  Okay here is the challenge, her father and I did not have a pleasant divorce. My own feelings of hurt and mistrust were present. I had a ton of automatic negative thoughts. I know that  past experiences do not predict the future. So how do I leave my fears in the past and be neutral for my daughter. I know that she is smart, an amazing mother and has the ability to take care of herself and her daughters. My instinct is the need to "fix it" for her, yet I know that I can't "fix it" for her. I want to keep her from getting hurt or having to feel the emotional pain of a struggling marriage. Plan and simple I want to protect her from all things that would hurt her. I know that this is completely not what I would, or even could, do in reality. I have to understand that this is her life and her time to learn.
     Yes I am learning also, because I have to put my past aside so that I can be there for her. My past is just that mine and it does not determine her future. I need to trust that she will take the time to look at the larger picture and make a decision that is right for her and her girls. She has a lot of support and is wonderfully smart. I have to trust that I did my job as a mom and that I have given here the tools she needs to make the tough decisions. I have to trust her, and me.

Processing Emotions part1

  Okay so this has been a challenging week. There have been many different things happening and I'll have to break it down into several blogs so that I can address each one. This helps me to better understand and to better use my coping skills.
  First challenge... Hubby did come home on Sunday, it was just for the day, and as the norm at this point, his mind was on just getting laundry done, catching up on sleep and having a good home cooked meal. As I always do I ask him to wake me up before he leaves in the morning because I like to spend sometime with him before he goes. Well he did indeed wake me up on Monday morning before he left. Although it was only a few minutes before he had to dash out of the house. There was something that happened before he left but I don't think it is necessary to go into detail about it. My reason for blogging is to work through my own emotions.
  What I will say is that my PTSD was triggered. I know that Hubby did not have the intentions of this so I can not fault him. I found myself at first with what I felt were just normal feelings of  frustration that happen time to time in a marriage. The full impact didn't happen right away. Memories of trauma started to show themselves in very subtle ways, my mood became more anxious, I felt uneasy  and insecure. I had attempted to talk it out with my mom and that helped, but the person I really needed to speak with was Hubby. I tried to address my feelings but I was having a challenge doing so over the phone, so I just carried it with me for  a while. I found that this only impacted me more.
  What ended up happening is that 12yr.old girl came out with a lot of raw emotion and she directed it not only at hubby but at herself. Hubby came home on Tuesday. I felt that after I had gone to group I could come home, talk with him about my unmet emotional needs. Well I didn't do so good at this. I put my own needs second,  then when I did feel ready to talk it was late. I thought what was the use if I knew that things could not be resolved in such a limited amount of time. Needless to say my inner 12yr old at this point was ready to throw a tantrum and she did. On Wednesday night when Hubby called he got that angry, hurt 12yr. old on the phone. I hung up on him and then was mad when he didn't call by, I know, very much the actions of a hurt child.
  I was forced to sit with my feelings and figure out where they were coming from. As I worked through this I was able to start to understand that I had allowed the 12yr. old to drive the emotional car, so to speak, and I had become the passenger. Not good.
  I need to address both her needs and mine. I decided that I would clearly state to Hubby when he called on Thurs. evening that I needed him to listen and acknowledge my emotions. Which I did. I stated what  memories had been triggered. I understood he had no way of knowing that his actions would impact me in such a way. I then told him I was sorry for my own behavior the night before, I told him I needed more understanding from him and more reassurance to help me feel more secure.
  What I learned is that it is okay for me to request that my emotional needs be met but, understand that they may not always be met. Hubby has done his part to help meet those needs. I am working on meeting  needs of my inner 12yr. old.

I haven't meant to ..................

I haven't meant to neglect my blogging. Just sometimes emotions are to raw, and it is hard to put them into words until I have had sometime to process them.I promise I will blog later today after I see my counselor.

Need for Self-Care Day 2

     I am in a rut about this whole self-care issue, not good. I just want to find someway to take care of me. Yet, I allow myself to get pulled into other peoples projects, even when I want nothing to do with them. I love my mom, and as many of you know she lives with Hubby and I. Yesterday she had the day off, yes even at 73 she still chooses to work. She decided to redo her bedroom, this meant that the bed had to be moved, pictures on the wall had to be taken down, etc. etc., well she wasn't going to be able to do this by herself, and how can I say no to mom, so guess who got pulled into it. All of this then lead her to want to do the guest bedroom. Yep, I spent a good part of my day getting interrupted from whatever I might have been trying to do for myself.
    Needless to say self-care did not happen. I find myself this morning fighting that sort of niggley little feeling, you know the one that says that if you don't watch it depression is just around the corner. I find my self feeling anxious, restless and somewhat short of patients. I know that I don't have a busy week ahead of me, but still there are things that need to be done. I have had a very busy past 2 weeks, my sleep has not been the best and I feel a bit alone. What I mean is that I really have not had someone to just talk to, someone who is willing to make time for me. Heck, I'm not even making time for me so I guess I fall into that category also.
   Here is my challenge I know I NEED to DO SELF-CARE. I am aware of my feelings. I recognize all of the little warning flags that are going up and I won't have the house to myself until the middle of the week, barring that Hubby doesn't come home sometime between now and then.
   I'm not sure why I am struggling so much with this. Could it be that after taking care of everyone else's needs I want someone to take care of me?, or is it that pesky little 12year old girl who says "I've been doing everything for them now they should be doing something for me. Can't they see I need comforting?"
   Yep, I think I nailed that one on the head. Now I need to figure out how to comfort her and let her know that all of her hard work is appreciated. That it's not all about giving with the expectation of getting something in return. Giving is something we do from the heart. Whatever we get in return is a blessing, even if it is nothing, the blessing is in the giving.
   Well I'll just have to see what I can come up with. I need to find something fun. I'm missing fun in my life, it has been way to serious lately.

Not enough self care..

    I am struggling this morning. I have had a long week. I really love doing trainings (suicide intervention skills training) but it does kind of wipe me out. I tend to put a lot of myself ( my energy) into it when I do a training. I know that part of it is that I have not spent enough time focusing on my own self care. It seems that I do this to myself often. I know how important self care is, yet I struggle with doing the things I need to do for me. Yes the hot baths are nice, yes the meditation and focusing works but, sometimes I need something more. It's hard to put it into words, it feels like I need to completely unplug from things at this point. I don't feel overwhelmed or bad, just a strong urge to unplug, to get away, do something fun, a change of scenery. Like I said I'm not really sure how to describe it and I'm not really sure what I can or will do about it. I am trying to leave all options open at this moment.

I learned something new

   Yep, I learned something new about myself this weekend and the last couple of days. My choice to not jump into "fix it" mode means that I have indeed started to change a very old behavior pattern. I find this exciting and interesting. I knew that the work I had been doing with my counselor, and by myself, over the last year was changing things. But, nothing really made me see it more than I did in this last weekend.
    It is empowering to know that I can change old behaviors and walk away from a situation that would have caused me and hubby a great deal of stress. I let go, trusted that I would be okay. I did not need anyone else to make me feel better. I did not need to fix it to feel better. This is a huge step for me, as I have struggled with control issues and have in the past felt that if I did not control things they would turn out badly. This time the only thing I controlled was my response and what I choose to do with my response. I just trusted me, let go and the world did not end...yea!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Hubby did call and he sounds a lot better. I'm happy that I have found out something new about myself and the ability to learn new behaviors that are much more positive. What's that old saying? " Can't teach an old dog new tricks" well yes you can....

It's never easy....

   Yes, it has been a long weekend. Yes, hubby did decide to give it another try at the job. Yes, I am worn out.
    I worked very hard this weekend to just keep to myself and let hubby work through what ever it was he needed to work through. I admit at times I was busting at the seams to know what he was thinking, as his decision would also impact me. I was very supportive and allowed him the space he needed on Saturday, even though this was hard for me.
   When I see someone giving up and giving into depression, especially when it is a loved one, it triggers something in me. I have a huge challenge with this and feelings of anxiety, fear, stress, worry are just a few. I know that I have these emotions because I believe that people who are challenged don't have to give into depression. This does not mean it goes away, or that we never suffer from depression, it means to me that I don't allow it to take over my life. I was afraid, because I was watching my hubby give in and give up to the depressive feelings he was having. I felt desperate, helpless and alone. I did not want to lose him to depression.
     Sunday morning, I had to decide it was going to be him or me. It was not an easy choice but I knew I could not go into that pity of depression with him. I tried to be as kind as I could but, I had to tell him that he was going to be on his own with this one. I could not, and would not, jump in to pull him out of his depression. It was and is his responsibility to learn some self-care tools. I did acknowledge that this may come across as harsh and non supportive but, I was no good to anyone if I did no take care of me. I also said that I was not willing to sacrifice my mental wellness right now. We talked about the fact that even if he did choose to stay home that this would not make everything better and he would still have to deal with his depression.
    I left and took the dogs out for a long walk, came home and took a long hot bath and did my best to take care of me. Hubby did seem to pull out of his depression and start to take care of the things he needed to for himself. His mood has lifted and he says he feels better, that he is optimistic about being able to see this job through as it is only another 5 to 6 weeks.
   Me, well I have some serious self-care that I need to do. With hubby now gone I have a lot of raw emotions and I need to work through them. I feel like crap, being the "strong one" and the one who has to push, it's never easy.....

Saturday Morning and My cup of coffee

    Yes, indeed Saturday morning has finally gotten here. I can sit in my comfy chair, which I moved over to in front of the computer desk, curl up with my coffee and keyboard and tell you all about what is on my mind.
    This week has for the most part been very good but,.... the parts that weren't so good were really challenging. Hubby is/was (?) working hard, very hard. He put in a 17hr. day got 5hrs. sleep and then turned around and worked a 9hr. day. The week before, he worked 82 hrs, that's 12hrs. a day 7 day work week. He was exhausted, the lack of sleep, not eating well, and not taking care of himself landed him in the pity of depression, and I do mean a deep dark hole. I did my best not to make assumptions and focused on how I could help and support him. Honestly though, and please don't judge, I was not happy to be in that spot. Part of the reason he was feeling so bad is because he did not take care of himself. I at this point have made the choice not to do it for him. I will not jump in that pity and push him out at the expense of my own well being.
    Well, yesterday morning hubby walks in the door 10mins. before I am to leave for a meeting. I asked "Did you get time off?" his answer "well yea, kind of." me "what do you mean kind of? did you get fired?"hubby "no not really" me " I don't really have time to play twenty questions right now so just tell me what you choose to do." hubby " I walked off the job" me "did you tell your foreman?" hubby  "no I just left". At this point I had to leave or be late. I was mad that he had made such an important decision without at least calling me and giving me a heads up. Okay let me remind you that this is a job that pays $30 an hour and time and a half for over time.
     My meeting went really well and I felt good about what I was able to accomplish. As I drove home I focused on what I needed to do to support him but, take care of me. I got home and told him what I was concerned about and what my honest feelings were. This was tough but I had to be honest and I knew that I ran a risk of sounding unsympathetic.
     There my still be hope though, he did get a call from him foreman saying that he had covered for Hubby at work and that he would still like him to come back. I'm hoping  he will  think about going  back for several reasons,
a: the job will be done at the end of February,
b: Hubby would get more depressed as we became unable to pay bills,
c: he would not be able to get unemployment as he walked off the job.
d: my own sanity.
   Oh and did I mention that the job pays $30 an hour, in this economy...Just joking .
It's not about the money , it's about my sanity which is priceless.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

Now what to do????

    Now what to do?   It seems odd to find myself at a point, where I have some wonderful opportunities in the near future. This also means that I'll have to make some choices about what I do. None of the options are bad, and all of them would allow me to follow my passion in helping others. It just so happens that I need to start thinking about it now. I would love to pretend that I can be super woman, put on my cape and do everything, but I know that it would not be healthy for me. Self-care is something I must keep in mind if I am to do things well. I am thrilled to know that I have a choice of what I can do and I am far from deciding on what that might look like.
   Anyway, who says that I can't do more than one.
   I do know that I will need to be more in tune with myself and listen to my heart. The challenge comes in knowing that I'll have to put somethings on the back burner for awhile. I am not very good at this, as I like to complete the things I have started and sometimes I find it difficult to pick up a project and move forward with it after I have lost some of the momentum.
   It does feel good to know that my hard work is starting to pay off, and there is apart of me that is pinching myself, because I never believed I would be able to accomplish the things I have.
   As someone who lives with a serious mental illness there is not always a lot of support or encouragement to dream big. I am indeed very luck to have people in my life who see the value not only in me as a person but, also in my lived experiences. I think one of the challenges I am trying to get ahead of by thinking about all of this now is, learning to believe in myself enough to know that I can do anything, and that includes dreaming big.
   Getting rid of old behaviors like, self doubt, self destruction, and just in general screwing things up before they get to good, are what I need to work on. Until then I'll just keep reminding myself that if others believe in me then I should trust and believe in me.

Trying to control everything and having control over nothing

   My head has been spinning lately. I'm writing things in my daily planner for April already. I get in to this thought in my head that if I write everything down I'll have control over it. This is not the case, I know that control is only an illusion. Yet, I find my self obsessed with the idea of it. I do understand that I have some control over my own emotions, but there again if you have read any of my past blogs you'll know that I have challenges with this also.
   I went to see my counselor on Friday and we did a relaxation technique that really helped me get out of my brain, which by that point felt as if it was on the spin cycle of a washing machine. What I realized once I was able to slow down and relax is, that my illusion of control is exactly that an illusion,  kind of an aha moment.
   What this looks like to me is, I don't control when my bills are due and by writing it on the calender is not controlling it , merely a response to a request, a reminder for myself. Same goes for the other things that I write on my calender, trainings, meetings, appointments. All are written to remind me of a request that I have chosen to respond to. See I choose to respond, that is where I have control, not that the request was made. This seems simple enough and I can only hope that I can continue to practice this. As I left my counselors office I did feel more relaxed and clearer in thought.
   I also am trying to understand how my own issues with control are impacting my relationship with hubby. He is a wonderful man, he does have flaws like the rest of us but he is trying. I can not make him do anything as he is a grown man and can make his own choices. I need not try to control his choice because then the relationship no longer is a partnership. So, I'll work on that and I'll let you know how it goes.

Trust................

    What can I tell you, trust issues are beginning to once again be a challenge for me. I don't do well with trust issues and one of those reasons is because of my childhood, followed by a lot of other stuff that makes it a challenge for me. I am much more trusting at this point in my life and I can see how my idea of trust has change over time. 
   As a child I trusted everyone, then the abuse started and my ability to trust, or understand what trust was supposed to be, was impacted. Going into my teenage years I found that because of my desperation to get away from the situation at home I trusted anyone who would paint a pretty picture of what life could be like if I was with them and often that ended in more abuse, this behavior went from teens into young adulthood. Then I trusted no one and found my life to be pretty empty and I did not allow room for others in my life. I remember feeling pretty hollow, because outwardly it seemed to others that I had people in my life and I did, but there was nothing more than a superficial relationship. I never let anyone close enough to really know me, or hurt me.
    I have over the years learned to trust but I admit that it is still a big, and sometimes a huge, challenge for me. I will give you my trust but once it has broken it is hard for me to give it a chance to rebuild. I still find myself running away from someone who has broken my trust because I feel hurt and I fear more pain is on its way. Because of these challenges I find myself struggling at this moment.
    Hubby has over the last year broken my trust on more than one occasion, no he hasn't cheated. He has made conscious choices not to tell me things, like how much he is drinking, his choice to settle his workman's comp. claim, what he is doing with his time, and if he is making the effort to take care of his depression. These are some of the things that have become an issue, again. I won't even try to go into the things over the last year. Some may not see these as big issues, but for me they are because these are the things he made a commitment to me about and in breaking those commitments he has broken my trust. I can feel myself pulling away even thought it is the last thing I want to do.
  I am trying to be patient and understanding that he does not understand MY trust issues. No matter how much I explain it to him, because he did not live it, he can not fully understand it. I have to own it and once I allow myself to get past the fear, I can stop running away and see that it is okay to work on giving trust back. I need to just give it up and trust that it will all work out.

Careful what you wish for....

    I guess I would wish for a lot of things but I have learned over the last year to be careful about what you wish for. Many of the things I wished for did come to be, yet I have learned that I need to be more focused on what it is that I real want, a good example.... wished my hubby would find a job, got wish but, he found a job that takes him out of town every week. There are other examples as well....wished I could do more independent consulting work......well I have started to do that but, maybe I should have wished to be more organized also, because come tax time I'm sure that I'll be having some anxiety about not having kept every receipt. I wished that I could be more independent than codependent in my relationship....okay so I have found that I like being independent and I now notice that when hubby does come home I am less patient with the fact that he feels like it should be all about him because he's been gone and to be honest it is nice  feel like I don't have to take care of him all the time.
    So, this year I will try to take my consulars advise and be more mindful. I will try to focus on what it is that really speaks to my heart. I will remember what my sister once told me "How can you hear what your heart wants, if you are never still long enough to listen to  it."
     I am excited to see what wonderful things the new year holds. I know that there will be joy, happiness and of course some challenges.
     I think I'll just wish for the grace, strength, courage and wisdom to be able to live my life well and learn whatever lessons life has to offer.