Well as I have shared that since Thursday I have been processing some raw emotions that not only triggered my PTSD but also challenged me because I have felt helpless. The feeling of being scared and helpless is that 12yr.old inner girl, helpless is the mother who knows that there is no magic "fix it" button for her child, even though "fixing it " for them would not be the best solution. I am slowly working through these emotions. I feel that to understand I need to be able to look at what I am feeling, where it came from, what unmet emotional needs and what automatic negative thoughts should be addressed.
I felt that I was doing pretty good with all of this until......My sister called Friday night, and I have not been able to really think about this without crying. As I have mentioned before, my brothers health is not good and that our family has been starting the process of anticipatory grief. The reason my sister called was to tell my mom and I that he is in stage 2 liver failure and that if he does not quit drinking right now, and that means RIGHT NOW! he will most likely move to stage 4 very quickly ( which can happen in as little as 48 to 72 hrs.) and from that point he will have maybe 4 months. My sister knows this all to well as she was a nurse and also lost her husband several years back to the same fate. My brother's Dr. said that he would be surprised if my brother made it to his next appointment, which is in 4 months. It is not unthinkable that my brother who has been a life long alcoholic could be so scared of losing his life that indeed he never picks up a drink again, but I know how hard it is to be in recovery and living with a spouse who is not in recovery and is still actively drinking.
Yes, once again I have an overwhelming sense of helplessness. There is no "fix it" button in this life and sometimes that hurts. To sit and watch the pain on my moms face as she begins to understand that she will out live her son is almost unbearable, the pain, frustration and anger. She is doing what she knows how to do and that is to put up a stoic front because she can not bear the reality of the pain at this moment. I am numb, emotions to raw to feel. I know that with my brother being so ill and knowing that we will lose him, I also understand that this event will impact and change my family forever. I know the there is a chance that my mother will finally confront my father about his treatment of us kids, she has held these emotions in for way to long. It will indeed raise many questions among the grand kids and a lot of old stuff may have to be talked about.
I am still processing this and I know that this will take a very longtime for me to work through. Yes, I am scared and feeling helpless, yet I know that I will find the strength somewhere inside to move through this. That is not to say that the pain, raw emotions and the anticipatory grief will demand some very focused effort on my part so that I don't get thrown into a tailspin.
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