Trust................

    What can I tell you, trust issues are beginning to once again be a challenge for me. I don't do well with trust issues and one of those reasons is because of my childhood, followed by a lot of other stuff that makes it a challenge for me. I am much more trusting at this point in my life and I can see how my idea of trust has change over time. 
   As a child I trusted everyone, then the abuse started and my ability to trust, or understand what trust was supposed to be, was impacted. Going into my teenage years I found that because of my desperation to get away from the situation at home I trusted anyone who would paint a pretty picture of what life could be like if I was with them and often that ended in more abuse, this behavior went from teens into young adulthood. Then I trusted no one and found my life to be pretty empty and I did not allow room for others in my life. I remember feeling pretty hollow, because outwardly it seemed to others that I had people in my life and I did, but there was nothing more than a superficial relationship. I never let anyone close enough to really know me, or hurt me.
    I have over the years learned to trust but I admit that it is still a big, and sometimes a huge, challenge for me. I will give you my trust but once it has broken it is hard for me to give it a chance to rebuild. I still find myself running away from someone who has broken my trust because I feel hurt and I fear more pain is on its way. Because of these challenges I find myself struggling at this moment.
    Hubby has over the last year broken my trust on more than one occasion, no he hasn't cheated. He has made conscious choices not to tell me things, like how much he is drinking, his choice to settle his workman's comp. claim, what he is doing with his time, and if he is making the effort to take care of his depression. These are some of the things that have become an issue, again. I won't even try to go into the things over the last year. Some may not see these as big issues, but for me they are because these are the things he made a commitment to me about and in breaking those commitments he has broken my trust. I can feel myself pulling away even thought it is the last thing I want to do.
  I am trying to be patient and understanding that he does not understand MY trust issues. No matter how much I explain it to him, because he did not live it, he can not fully understand it. I have to own it and once I allow myself to get past the fear, I can stop running away and see that it is okay to work on giving trust back. I need to just give it up and trust that it will all work out.