#4 It is awful and terrible when things are not the way I want them to be. "Bullshit that's not true".
(Oct. 8th Post)
Well I have to say that I am still challenged by this one. I know that I have major control issues and learning to give up control is not only difficult but scary. I understand that for me when things are the way I need them to be I feel less anxious, which means I feel more comfortable. This is why it is a challenge, because I don't like to feel anxious. My Automatic Negative Thoughts (A.N.T.'s) tell me that in order to be happy I must have things the way I want them or something bad could happen, translation- control everything.
This doesn't leave much room for being carefree, fun loving or willing to just allow things to unfold the way they are meant to. I have spent so much time trying to get things the way I want them that I have forgotten some very important things about living life like, be spontaneous, thinking about how my actions affect others and just loving life for what it is. In fact there have even been times in my life where not being able to make everything the way I wanted that it indeed add to my overwhelming feelings of desperation and suicidal thoughts.
The reality is that I can not make everything the way I want, there is just to many things that happen that I have no control over. Yes, this does indeed drive me a little crazy, but to be honest I am learning that it is way to much work trying to force things to be the way I want rather than just do my best and roll with it. I have made it this far in my life and I can assure you that most all of the time things were not the way I wanted them to be but, I made it here in one piece.
Maybe not having everything the way I want is not so bad. I can be less stressed, more carefree, and maybe relax a little more so that I can enjoy life for what it is instead of focusing on what I could change. My life with all of it's ups and downs has been a tremendous learning experience and if I sit back and enjoy the ride maybe this year I'll learn that it doesn't have to be the way I want it and that some surprises can be a good thing.
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Friday, December 31, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
No pretty paper or bows, just a gift.....
Wish that I could say that the holidays are full of warm fuzzy memories and that they did not trigger anxieties, but I would be lying if I did. Today I am feeling very anxious. I know that it could be for any number of reasons....
Yet there is feeling, a heaviness or a tightness, that is in my chest. I am so familiar with it that sometimes I don't even notice it until it is truly a full on anxiety attack. Out of all the challenges I have, anxiety is the one that I am most uncomfortable with. I'm not sure why, maybe it is because it is the one that is still connected to that abused little girl. Maybe it is because I feel less in control of it, as if it has a mind of it's own. I am working with my focusing and breathing in hopes to tame this thing called anxiety.
I do dislike the fact that sometimes it seems to be a never ending battle. To accept the fact that I will carry with me always, parts of my life that I would much rather put down, it does indeed get cumbersome.
I wonder what I, or my life, would be like with out the baggage from the past?( I know what ifs are not productive questions to ask) I have never really known, or remember, a time when I was not frightened,scared, anxious, angry or depressed. Maybe as a very young child there were times, I'm sure, but I don't remember what that felt like.
What I do understand, for myself, as I am sitting here writing this is....Christmas as a child was to be wondrous, full of surprises and magic. I do remember one of those types of Christmases, it was when I was 4yrs. old. My great grandfather had built by hand the most wonderful kitchen set all in pink and as I came down the stairs it was the most perfect gift, even to this day.
I also remember a Christmas when I was 17yrs old that would change the way I felt about the holidays for the rest of my life. All I can say is that it was a nightmare and there was so much pain that it forever changed Christmas. I know the pain from that Christmas I will always carry. Indeed it is the root of my anxiety during the holidays. Thinking about a time when there is to be joy, laughter and love, yet remembering a time when my mother and I were living through the most unbearable pain we could have imagined. Seeing and feeling, so much hurt and trying so hard to put on a good front so that no one else in the family would see what my mother and I were enduring.
I guess I should try to focus on the fact that we did indeed endure and move through that very painful period in our lives. I get it now,( I know because I'm crying), I am conflicted about Christmas because my gift of strength and courage came out of overwhelming pain and sadness. The gift of the relationship I have with my mom came from that period in time. I guess not all gifts are wrapped pretty with bows on them, but just the same they are still gifts.
- Hubby left town to go back to work this morning...
- I'm still having car problems....
- trying to find a dentist that is willing to work out some sort of payment plan so hubby can get his teeth fixed, we have no insurance....
Yet there is feeling, a heaviness or a tightness, that is in my chest. I am so familiar with it that sometimes I don't even notice it until it is truly a full on anxiety attack. Out of all the challenges I have, anxiety is the one that I am most uncomfortable with. I'm not sure why, maybe it is because it is the one that is still connected to that abused little girl. Maybe it is because I feel less in control of it, as if it has a mind of it's own. I am working with my focusing and breathing in hopes to tame this thing called anxiety.
I do dislike the fact that sometimes it seems to be a never ending battle. To accept the fact that I will carry with me always, parts of my life that I would much rather put down, it does indeed get cumbersome.
I wonder what I, or my life, would be like with out the baggage from the past?( I know what ifs are not productive questions to ask) I have never really known, or remember, a time when I was not frightened,scared, anxious, angry or depressed. Maybe as a very young child there were times, I'm sure, but I don't remember what that felt like.
What I do understand, for myself, as I am sitting here writing this is....Christmas as a child was to be wondrous, full of surprises and magic. I do remember one of those types of Christmases, it was when I was 4yrs. old. My great grandfather had built by hand the most wonderful kitchen set all in pink and as I came down the stairs it was the most perfect gift, even to this day.
I also remember a Christmas when I was 17yrs old that would change the way I felt about the holidays for the rest of my life. All I can say is that it was a nightmare and there was so much pain that it forever changed Christmas. I know the pain from that Christmas I will always carry. Indeed it is the root of my anxiety during the holidays. Thinking about a time when there is to be joy, laughter and love, yet remembering a time when my mother and I were living through the most unbearable pain we could have imagined. Seeing and feeling, so much hurt and trying so hard to put on a good front so that no one else in the family would see what my mother and I were enduring.
I guess I should try to focus on the fact that we did indeed endure and move through that very painful period in our lives. I get it now,( I know because I'm crying), I am conflicted about Christmas because my gift of strength and courage came out of overwhelming pain and sadness. The gift of the relationship I have with my mom came from that period in time. I guess not all gifts are wrapped pretty with bows on them, but just the same they are still gifts.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
And #10 from the list of "Bullshit that's not true".................
#10 from the "Bullshit it's not true list" is..............Other peoples moods or problems are upsetting and I must feel bad about them."Bullshit that's not true". Easier said than done especially when it comes to family and close friends.
I am learning that to be a caring person does not mean that I have to jump into another's pain to be empathetic and understanding. Yes, to see my family and friends struggle, whether it be emotionally or with life's challenges, it does pull at me. That is because I want to fix it for them but I know it's not my place to fix it.
To be honest I'm learning what a balance this truly is for me. I guess that I have enough things going on in my own life that I realize to jump in and worry about someone else's moods or problems means I have to give up some of my energy. It's hard to say that because, I feel uncomfortable and it sounds a bit cold hearted and maybe even self centered. I don't want to come across like I don't care, but there has to come a point when something happens and you understand that you can only be fully responsible for one person, yourself. It is one thing to have someone close to you vent their challenges or problem's, but do I really need to do any more than to be there to listen? I can listen and be supportive with out feeling as if it is now my problem to solve. Why should I feel bad if someone else has made a bad choice and it has caused a problem. If someone else is in a bad mood do I have to allow it to effect me?
I know that in the end this is self preservation. I know my point of view is changing, because lately I keep being pulled into other peoples "stuff". I have allowed myself to feel bad and worry because of what they where going through. I ended up putting myself second, why?
It does not make me more worthy, or a better person, to place someone else before me. I love that I can offer support to others, but I need to know when to put me first and to allow other people to figure out how to handle their own challenges.
I think that a lot of this has to do with having healthy personal boundaries. Understanding that to be supportive of others we must take care of ourselves first and that we can be supportive even if we are encouraging them to find their own solutions and not fixing it for them. If I am having a "good day" why should I let myself get caught up in other peoples "stuff" and allow that "good day" to be taken from me?
I am learning that to be a caring person does not mean that I have to jump into another's pain to be empathetic and understanding. Yes, to see my family and friends struggle, whether it be emotionally or with life's challenges, it does pull at me. That is because I want to fix it for them but I know it's not my place to fix it.
To be honest I'm learning what a balance this truly is for me. I guess that I have enough things going on in my own life that I realize to jump in and worry about someone else's moods or problems means I have to give up some of my energy. It's hard to say that because, I feel uncomfortable and it sounds a bit cold hearted and maybe even self centered. I don't want to come across like I don't care, but there has to come a point when something happens and you understand that you can only be fully responsible for one person, yourself. It is one thing to have someone close to you vent their challenges or problem's, but do I really need to do any more than to be there to listen? I can listen and be supportive with out feeling as if it is now my problem to solve. Why should I feel bad if someone else has made a bad choice and it has caused a problem. If someone else is in a bad mood do I have to allow it to effect me?
I know that in the end this is self preservation. I know my point of view is changing, because lately I keep being pulled into other peoples "stuff". I have allowed myself to feel bad and worry because of what they where going through. I ended up putting myself second, why?
It does not make me more worthy, or a better person, to place someone else before me. I love that I can offer support to others, but I need to know when to put me first and to allow other people to figure out how to handle their own challenges.
I think that a lot of this has to do with having healthy personal boundaries. Understanding that to be supportive of others we must take care of ourselves first and that we can be supportive even if we are encouraging them to find their own solutions and not fixing it for them. If I am having a "good day" why should I let myself get caught up in other peoples "stuff" and allow that "good day" to be taken from me?
Monday, December 20, 2010
Long over due............
I actually started this on Saturday. I was just so tired from the last couple of weeks that I didn't have the energy to focus, or finish it.
It seems like it has been forever since I was able to sit down and really blog. Something more than the quick reasons why I hadn't been blogging.
So, I know that I have lots to catch everyone up one which means this most likely will be a long blog....I mean I have several days worth of stuff to blog about and it's not like everyone has to read it at one time, although I will most likely try to write it all at once.(we all know now that this did not happen)
Where to begin..hhmmmmmm.....If my memory is good I'll try to pick up after my last real blog...."At a loss for words.....but moved to tears." . Yes I have gotten my car fixed which has taken some of the stress out of life but as always there is always something else to take it's place.
I was asked to go to a holiday event and act as a community representative. It was being held for people in the community that receive care for behavioral health challenges. I said yes, because the company that was hosting the event was one that I used to work at.
I was looking forward to seeing a dear friend that I haven't been able to see much, she's as busy as I am, so we haven't really had the time, but I know that she is always there if I need her. Part of me was looking forward to seeing some of the other people I once thought of as my second family. There were hugs, kisses, laughter and a few tears that I didn't let anyone see. Time to catch up and to see how everyone was doing. It felt good to be there with people I had cared so much about. It felt comfortable, even if it was just for a short time. When I left part of me was sad because I understood that the warm fuzzy feeling I had was about how things use to be like there, not what they are like now. After the warm fuzzy wore off I remember why working there had impacted my life. For a very longtime I could not even talk about it. I have mixed emotions about the place. It is where I was born, so to speak, and took my first steps in recovery on this journey of who I am. I laughed there, cried there, it was my meaning and purpose. I finally found something I was good at. Things became second nature and part of my life that helped me feel as if I could do anything and that anything was possible. I also experienced overwhelming sadness, pain and abandonment when I left. It was the pain that pushed me to the darkest of places just before my suicide attempt. Yes, I still feel an uneasiness in my chest when I think about what things were like when I left. I also remember when things were good, the laughter in the halls, the way everyone supported each other, how you felt that you did make a difference and that you could dream. This was the place of my birth, where I learned to step out of my comfort zone and was challenged to dream bigger, to believe in hope and change. I must acknowledge the impact it had on my life and I can know look at it knowing it was just part of the bigger picture in my life, necessary, both the joy and pain. I will most likely always feel something when I think of this place, it's kinda of like your first love, you never forget it and as you grow you understand the lessons learned.
Okay, moving on, I had a chance to observed a suicide intervention training and was very surprised by the attitude of the trainers. I spent two days listening to them talk about how someone with a diagnoses of bi-polar and/or borderline personality were the ones who called most often threatening suicide but didn't really mean it. You all can imagine how I felt as I am a person who struggles with both of these diagnosis. I did on several occasions remind them what my personal challenges where and why I was there. It did not seem to matter and I was told at one point that I was "high functioning so it didn't really apply to me". Can you see the steam coming out of my ears? Yep, I was pissed off. I've had to give myself time to cool off before I bring it to any ones attention because I want to be able to address the issues not my own personal feeling about the situation. But I can say what my feelings are here.....I felt as if I had been punched in the gut, repeatedly. I could not believe that these people had such an attitude. No wonder it is so hard to reduce stigma. These people only fed into the stigma. I can't even begin to say how this impacted me. I am dumbfounded and appalled. I'm still pissed off and steam is still coming out of my ears. So I am still trying to figure out how to bring this to the attention of the right people so that some adjustments can be made without it coming across as just my issue. I think about how this impacts others, if you can not bring passion into what you are doing then how can you bring compassion for others into what you are doing. If someone is thinking about suicide they need compassion not attitudes and stigma.
Okay, on the home front things are going okay. Hubby hurt himself at work and forgot to tell me about it. Yea...how do you forget to tell someone that you took a six foot fall and the only thing that kept you from falling the other ten feet was your safety harness. He did report it to workman's comp. and is seeing a Dr. We found out that he has herniated two disc in his neck, so we'll see how that progresses. I still have yet to make my own appt. with the cardiologist, but I figure if I haven't fallen over yet with everything that is going on then who needs a stress test.......
Christmas is now just around the corner and hubby will get to come home, just don't know for how long. I have been talking to my daughter and granddaughters on the phone a lot lately. I miss them so much, but I enjoy hearing them tell me all about Christmas and how it's "magic".
I take a look at all of the things that have happened over the last couple of weeks and try to find a lesson, so here it is......I must be willing to accept that some lessons are painful yet important, that with out passion it is hard to show others how to be compassionate, and that I still believe that one day we won't have to live with stigma, maybe not in my lifetime but maybe in my granddaugther's lifetime.
It seems like it has been forever since I was able to sit down and really blog. Something more than the quick reasons why I hadn't been blogging.
So, I know that I have lots to catch everyone up one which means this most likely will be a long blog....I mean I have several days worth of stuff to blog about and it's not like everyone has to read it at one time, although I will most likely try to write it all at once.(we all know now that this did not happen)
Where to begin..hhmmmmmm.....If my memory is good I'll try to pick up after my last real blog...."At a loss for words.....but moved to tears." . Yes I have gotten my car fixed which has taken some of the stress out of life but as always there is always something else to take it's place.
I was asked to go to a holiday event and act as a community representative. It was being held for people in the community that receive care for behavioral health challenges. I said yes, because the company that was hosting the event was one that I used to work at.
I was looking forward to seeing a dear friend that I haven't been able to see much, she's as busy as I am, so we haven't really had the time, but I know that she is always there if I need her. Part of me was looking forward to seeing some of the other people I once thought of as my second family. There were hugs, kisses, laughter and a few tears that I didn't let anyone see. Time to catch up and to see how everyone was doing. It felt good to be there with people I had cared so much about. It felt comfortable, even if it was just for a short time. When I left part of me was sad because I understood that the warm fuzzy feeling I had was about how things use to be like there, not what they are like now. After the warm fuzzy wore off I remember why working there had impacted my life. For a very longtime I could not even talk about it. I have mixed emotions about the place. It is where I was born, so to speak, and took my first steps in recovery on this journey of who I am. I laughed there, cried there, it was my meaning and purpose. I finally found something I was good at. Things became second nature and part of my life that helped me feel as if I could do anything and that anything was possible. I also experienced overwhelming sadness, pain and abandonment when I left. It was the pain that pushed me to the darkest of places just before my suicide attempt. Yes, I still feel an uneasiness in my chest when I think about what things were like when I left. I also remember when things were good, the laughter in the halls, the way everyone supported each other, how you felt that you did make a difference and that you could dream. This was the place of my birth, where I learned to step out of my comfort zone and was challenged to dream bigger, to believe in hope and change. I must acknowledge the impact it had on my life and I can know look at it knowing it was just part of the bigger picture in my life, necessary, both the joy and pain. I will most likely always feel something when I think of this place, it's kinda of like your first love, you never forget it and as you grow you understand the lessons learned.
Okay, moving on, I had a chance to observed a suicide intervention training and was very surprised by the attitude of the trainers. I spent two days listening to them talk about how someone with a diagnoses of bi-polar and/or borderline personality were the ones who called most often threatening suicide but didn't really mean it. You all can imagine how I felt as I am a person who struggles with both of these diagnosis. I did on several occasions remind them what my personal challenges where and why I was there. It did not seem to matter and I was told at one point that I was "high functioning so it didn't really apply to me". Can you see the steam coming out of my ears? Yep, I was pissed off. I've had to give myself time to cool off before I bring it to any ones attention because I want to be able to address the issues not my own personal feeling about the situation. But I can say what my feelings are here.....I felt as if I had been punched in the gut, repeatedly. I could not believe that these people had such an attitude. No wonder it is so hard to reduce stigma. These people only fed into the stigma. I can't even begin to say how this impacted me. I am dumbfounded and appalled. I'm still pissed off and steam is still coming out of my ears. So I am still trying to figure out how to bring this to the attention of the right people so that some adjustments can be made without it coming across as just my issue. I think about how this impacts others, if you can not bring passion into what you are doing then how can you bring compassion for others into what you are doing. If someone is thinking about suicide they need compassion not attitudes and stigma.
Okay, on the home front things are going okay. Hubby hurt himself at work and forgot to tell me about it. Yea...how do you forget to tell someone that you took a six foot fall and the only thing that kept you from falling the other ten feet was your safety harness. He did report it to workman's comp. and is seeing a Dr. We found out that he has herniated two disc in his neck, so we'll see how that progresses. I still have yet to make my own appt. with the cardiologist, but I figure if I haven't fallen over yet with everything that is going on then who needs a stress test.......
Christmas is now just around the corner and hubby will get to come home, just don't know for how long. I have been talking to my daughter and granddaughters on the phone a lot lately. I miss them so much, but I enjoy hearing them tell me all about Christmas and how it's "magic".
I take a look at all of the things that have happened over the last couple of weeks and try to find a lesson, so here it is......I must be willing to accept that some lessons are painful yet important, that with out passion it is hard to show others how to be compassionate, and that I still believe that one day we won't have to live with stigma, maybe not in my lifetime but maybe in my granddaugther's lifetime.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Busy, busy, busy...
I have just been so busy that taking the time, or making the time, to blog has been hard. There are some things that I really wanted to write and others that seemed like a go idea at the time, but I'm just not feeling it any more. I would love to just feel as if I could slow down enough to sit and write without looking at the clock.
Maybe, I just miss being able to sit and blog is because it has become therapeutic for me when I do get a chance to blog.
So much rambling around in my head and so little time to blog it. I can only hope that find, or make, the time soon to blog.
I know, I know....I tried to promise myself last week that I would blog soon.
Maybe, I just miss being able to sit and blog is because it has become therapeutic for me when I do get a chance to blog.
So much rambling around in my head and so little time to blog it. I can only hope that find, or make, the time soon to blog.
I know, I know....I tried to promise myself last week that I would blog soon.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Promises Promises.....
I promise myself that I will do my best to write a full blog at some point today. It has been a very busy week, hubby is home, and the coming week is also very busy. I haven't had the chance to write about the things that touched me, or moved me this past week, but I promise that I will.
.......cross my heart,......pinky swear,......and all of that.
I know that it will do me some good to get it all out of my head so that I can make room for other stuff.
.......cross my heart,......pinky swear,......and all of that.
I know that it will do me some good to get it all out of my head so that I can make room for other stuff.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
At a loss for words.....but moved to tears.
I'm not sure that the title really fits because those who know me would say that I am never really at a loss for word but, in some ways I am indeed at a loss for words.
I was lucky enough to get to go be part of the "Out of the Darkness" Community Walk to benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.
Their Mission:
The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) is the leading national not-for-profit organization exclusively dedicated to understanding and preventing suicide through research, education and advocacy, and to reaching out to people with mental disorders and those impacted by suicide.
I wasn't sure that I would be able to make it to the walk and I was really disappointed, because my heart just kept telling me that I needed to go, and you know how it is when your gut tells you something.
So, I'll backtrack just a little and hopefully this will make some sense...........
I have been doing okay, adjusting to not having hubby around and learning to be more self-sufficient. It seems that we make more of an effort to communicate better with each other, maybe that is because we don't want to waste our time fussing about the little things.
The week of Thanksgiving I started not to feel so well and was a bit concerned, but of course not enough to make an appointment with the Dr. right away. Hubby got to come home just for Thanksgiving day and I had promised him that I would make an appointment with the Dr. which I did.
This is when things get some what interesting......
I had a challenge because finding a new Dr. isn't always easy. I mean having to explain that just because I have a serious mental illness doesn't mean that I can't tell the difference between having an anxiety attack and knowing when there is something else going on.
So....I go to the Dr.'s appointment only to find that my Dr. has called in sick, great!, the nice lady asked if I would like to make another appointment or see another Dr., well I said see another Dr. and it really wasn't so bad. He did say that I would need to go have a cardio stress test done and gave me a referral to a cardiologist, yes I will make the appointment.
I was on my way home and I knew that my car had been making odd noises now and then, but much like the Dr.'s appointment I had put off getting it looked at. Bad idea. I rounded the corner on to my street and swung by the mail box to pick up the mail, as I made the turn to head back to the house all of a sudden I lose the power steering and the dash lights up with all sorts of little red lights. Come on I know it's Christmas time, but I really don't want red lights in my car, it always means bad news. I get my car home and had to laugh because I am sure that this is not the kind of stress test my Dr. had in mind. I made several calls just to find someone who would work on my SAAB, seems the most mechanics don't like to work on them. I was lucky and found one close to home. I discovered that a belt in the car engine had come off, so I was hoping that it would be a minor repair. It of course wasn't, but that is a different blog.
This is were it picks back up from the beginning....
Because of my car being down I thought that I would not be able to go to the walk, well my mom and I arranged for me to use her car. Great, I could now go and I was really happy. It was a beautiful day and it was good to be outside. One of the persons who was going to share their story of their own suicide attempt couldn't make it. Well, someone who knows me and about my own personal suicide attempt, came and asked if I wouldn't mind stepping in at the last minute to share my story. I said yes because I believe that the more of us who are able to talk openly about suicide the easier it can become for others to share their stories. I was so moved by the response to me for sharing my story. I had people coming up to me, people who had lost a loved one or a friend, thanking me for sharing, thanking me for being there, people with tears streaming down their faces and open arms to hug me.
Yet, I feel that it is I who should be thanking them. Their courage to speak out, the courage not to be ashamed, the will power to continue to live their lives, in spite of the overwhelming pain and sadness when you lose a loved one to suicide.
I was moved to tears as I watched families and friends release blue and white balloons, some with messages of love written on them, some with names and dates, some with I miss you, all representing someone, a person, a mother, child, father, relative, friend...all who were loved and are still loved by those people left behind. Words do escape me, as I can not explain the emotion as I watched those balloons float up in to the beautiful blue sky. I am thankful that I am still here, that I did not end my own life, thankful that my family was not releasing a balloon with a message of love written on it for me.
I am reminded how important it is that we learn to talk openly about our feelings of suicide, to ask for help when we need help, there is nothing to be ashamed of. I am reminded that we are all here for a reason. I am thankful.............
I was lucky enough to get to go be part of the "Out of the Darkness" Community Walk to benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.
Their Mission:
The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) is the leading national not-for-profit organization exclusively dedicated to understanding and preventing suicide through research, education and advocacy, and to reaching out to people with mental disorders and those impacted by suicide.
I wasn't sure that I would be able to make it to the walk and I was really disappointed, because my heart just kept telling me that I needed to go, and you know how it is when your gut tells you something.
So, I'll backtrack just a little and hopefully this will make some sense...........
I have been doing okay, adjusting to not having hubby around and learning to be more self-sufficient. It seems that we make more of an effort to communicate better with each other, maybe that is because we don't want to waste our time fussing about the little things.
The week of Thanksgiving I started not to feel so well and was a bit concerned, but of course not enough to make an appointment with the Dr. right away. Hubby got to come home just for Thanksgiving day and I had promised him that I would make an appointment with the Dr. which I did.
This is when things get some what interesting......
I had a challenge because finding a new Dr. isn't always easy. I mean having to explain that just because I have a serious mental illness doesn't mean that I can't tell the difference between having an anxiety attack and knowing when there is something else going on.
So....I go to the Dr.'s appointment only to find that my Dr. has called in sick, great!, the nice lady asked if I would like to make another appointment or see another Dr., well I said see another Dr. and it really wasn't so bad. He did say that I would need to go have a cardio stress test done and gave me a referral to a cardiologist, yes I will make the appointment.
I was on my way home and I knew that my car had been making odd noises now and then, but much like the Dr.'s appointment I had put off getting it looked at. Bad idea. I rounded the corner on to my street and swung by the mail box to pick up the mail, as I made the turn to head back to the house all of a sudden I lose the power steering and the dash lights up with all sorts of little red lights. Come on I know it's Christmas time, but I really don't want red lights in my car, it always means bad news. I get my car home and had to laugh because I am sure that this is not the kind of stress test my Dr. had in mind. I made several calls just to find someone who would work on my SAAB, seems the most mechanics don't like to work on them. I was lucky and found one close to home. I discovered that a belt in the car engine had come off, so I was hoping that it would be a minor repair. It of course wasn't, but that is a different blog.
This is were it picks back up from the beginning....
Because of my car being down I thought that I would not be able to go to the walk, well my mom and I arranged for me to use her car. Great, I could now go and I was really happy. It was a beautiful day and it was good to be outside. One of the persons who was going to share their story of their own suicide attempt couldn't make it. Well, someone who knows me and about my own personal suicide attempt, came and asked if I wouldn't mind stepping in at the last minute to share my story. I said yes because I believe that the more of us who are able to talk openly about suicide the easier it can become for others to share their stories. I was so moved by the response to me for sharing my story. I had people coming up to me, people who had lost a loved one or a friend, thanking me for sharing, thanking me for being there, people with tears streaming down their faces and open arms to hug me.
Yet, I feel that it is I who should be thanking them. Their courage to speak out, the courage not to be ashamed, the will power to continue to live their lives, in spite of the overwhelming pain and sadness when you lose a loved one to suicide.
I was moved to tears as I watched families and friends release blue and white balloons, some with messages of love written on them, some with names and dates, some with I miss you, all representing someone, a person, a mother, child, father, relative, friend...all who were loved and are still loved by those people left behind. Words do escape me, as I can not explain the emotion as I watched those balloons float up in to the beautiful blue sky. I am thankful that I am still here, that I did not end my own life, thankful that my family was not releasing a balloon with a message of love written on it for me.
I am reminded how important it is that we learn to talk openly about our feelings of suicide, to ask for help when we need help, there is nothing to be ashamed of. I am reminded that we are all here for a reason. I am thankful.............
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Sooo busy, brief update.............
Just a short note to check in. I have been very busy and it looks as if I will be until after the first of the year. I guess that is what I get for fussing last month about not having enough to do. I have so many things that I want to blog about, not to mention I just don't have room in my brain for all of the random thoughts. I just haven't found the time. I feel very scattered and focus challenged to say the least.
So here is a brief update... Thanksgiving-good, quiet, hubby got to come home just for the day. Me- I am adjusting to the changes at home, very busy, a little worried about health challenges but for the most part okay. Hubby- doing a lot better, has adjusted to the changes well, most likely won't get to come home until Christmas, I'll go see him. So there it is the cliff note version.
Gotta run. I know, I need to take time to be thankful for the fact that I am busy, that hubby has work, because there are so many others who have less than we do.
So here is a brief update... Thanksgiving-good, quiet, hubby got to come home just for the day. Me- I am adjusting to the changes at home, very busy, a little worried about health challenges but for the most part okay. Hubby- doing a lot better, has adjusted to the changes well, most likely won't get to come home until Christmas, I'll go see him. So there it is the cliff note version.
Gotta run. I know, I need to take time to be thankful for the fact that I am busy, that hubby has work, because there are so many others who have less than we do.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
The day that would change everything..............
So many people have a hard time around the holidays. I didn't always. I can say that as a small child I enjoyed the holidays. My mother always made them special. The smell of homemade cookies and breads. I remember how we always had a real tree. Mom always had the tree lights, ornaments and even the wrapping paper all color co-ordinated. I remember Christmas eve at my grandparents house.We always got new pj's, it was one of the things I loved most. We would come home Christmas eve after spending it with grandma and grandpa, change into our new pj's, even if they were alittle scratchy. Then the three of us kids would rush downstairs so that we could open one present before we would go to bed and try to sleep. Yes, for the most part the holidays were good.
My feelings about the holidays didn't change until I was 17, that is the year that my world and my family changed.
I can't tell you what day it was, or why I had decided that day was the day to blow the lid off of my world. I don't know where the inner strength came from, or if it was just the need for the abuse to stop. I will, though, share with you what I do remember.........
I sat on the curb outside, across the street from school, smoking a cigarett. It was a cold, cloudy, drizzly mid west day, it must have been early November. I didn't care how cold it was, or that I was getting soaking wet, as a matter of fact it felt good. I knew that this was the day something was going to change. I just had no idea how things would change.
I was sitting in Math class and I don't really recall what I said, but I do remember getting up and walking out. I went down to the school's guidance counselor's office. They told me I would have to wait to speak with him. I had spoken to him many times before and for whatever reason I trusted him. I knew that I had to tell someone what was going on and he was the only person I could think of. I knew that if I waited to long the moment would pass. It was hard to wait, so walked across the street to smoke another cigarette. I came back into the school and told the lady in the office that I needed to see the guidance counselor right now and that I could not wait. She must have seen my distress because she went and got him right away.
I remembe sitting in his office. I'm sure that I was telling him all of the things that had been going on for years at home. I just don't exactly remember what I told him, what his reaction was, what my reaction was. I only remember bits and pieces. Like a glass that has been dropped on the floor and shattered, some pieces easy to see and then there are the little shards that you can barely see. I don't remember feeling anything, at least not until the police officers came. I felt humiliated, shame, dirty, as the two male officers started asking questions wanting details so that they could be sure I was not making a false report. Like I would make that shit up. I do remember the kids in school looking at me as I walked down the hall with the police officers. All of them looking on with a questioning glance. Hmmmm...If they only knew.
The police station is a blur. I don't have any real memory of it, up to the time when my mother got there. I remember her face as she walked into the office where I was at. There was a look of pain and distress, I can't quite put it into words. She said nothing when she walked in. She came to me and wrapped her arms around me, that is when I remember feeling something. I was so overwhelmed with emotion that all I could do was cry and say "I'm sorry" she told me that I had nothing to be sorry for that I had done nothing wrong. I knew that life had changed and that it not only changed my life but, it would impact the whole family. I remember seeing my fathers face as they brought him into the police station, sad, scared, frightened. Once again the memory shatters. I don't recall anything from the rest of that day.
I do remember, unfotunately, just how horrible that Christmas was. I don't really remember Thanksgiving but, Christmas was the hardest to live through. Our world was in shambles, a complete wreck, horrifing, disbelief in the ugly truth. My mother has shared with me just how dark and hard that Christmas was for her. She says it was a year that forever changed Christmas for her. Her idea of family was torn apart and as if that was not enough, her mother died that holiday season and I wrecked her car while she was out of state at her mother's funeral. There was pain all around me. I was blaming myself, the old "if I had just kept my mouth shut" was all I could hear in my head. I know that this is not right and I no longer feel this way, but at the time it was overwhelming. What I had hoped would end my pain, only change my pain. I had no idea how long it would take me to move out of that pain, the feelings of being victimized and start to try to live life.
I'm glad that I can write about it, but I can tell that the scars are still there, those little shards of glass, the ones that get under your skin and you can't quite see. Yes, I have an uneasy feeling in my chest, but nothing that I can't deal with. I needed to write about this day in my life, it was a day when everything changed, no matter what followed. My life, my world, my family, would never be the same.
My feelings about the holidays didn't change until I was 17, that is the year that my world and my family changed.
I can't tell you what day it was, or why I had decided that day was the day to blow the lid off of my world. I don't know where the inner strength came from, or if it was just the need for the abuse to stop. I will, though, share with you what I do remember.........
I sat on the curb outside, across the street from school, smoking a cigarett. It was a cold, cloudy, drizzly mid west day, it must have been early November. I didn't care how cold it was, or that I was getting soaking wet, as a matter of fact it felt good. I knew that this was the day something was going to change. I just had no idea how things would change.
I was sitting in Math class and I don't really recall what I said, but I do remember getting up and walking out. I went down to the school's guidance counselor's office. They told me I would have to wait to speak with him. I had spoken to him many times before and for whatever reason I trusted him. I knew that I had to tell someone what was going on and he was the only person I could think of. I knew that if I waited to long the moment would pass. It was hard to wait, so walked across the street to smoke another cigarette. I came back into the school and told the lady in the office that I needed to see the guidance counselor right now and that I could not wait. She must have seen my distress because she went and got him right away.
I remembe sitting in his office. I'm sure that I was telling him all of the things that had been going on for years at home. I just don't exactly remember what I told him, what his reaction was, what my reaction was. I only remember bits and pieces. Like a glass that has been dropped on the floor and shattered, some pieces easy to see and then there are the little shards that you can barely see. I don't remember feeling anything, at least not until the police officers came. I felt humiliated, shame, dirty, as the two male officers started asking questions wanting details so that they could be sure I was not making a false report. Like I would make that shit up. I do remember the kids in school looking at me as I walked down the hall with the police officers. All of them looking on with a questioning glance. Hmmmm...If they only knew.
The police station is a blur. I don't have any real memory of it, up to the time when my mother got there. I remember her face as she walked into the office where I was at. There was a look of pain and distress, I can't quite put it into words. She said nothing when she walked in. She came to me and wrapped her arms around me, that is when I remember feeling something. I was so overwhelmed with emotion that all I could do was cry and say "I'm sorry" she told me that I had nothing to be sorry for that I had done nothing wrong. I knew that life had changed and that it not only changed my life but, it would impact the whole family. I remember seeing my fathers face as they brought him into the police station, sad, scared, frightened. Once again the memory shatters. I don't recall anything from the rest of that day.
I do remember, unfotunately, just how horrible that Christmas was. I don't really remember Thanksgiving but, Christmas was the hardest to live through. Our world was in shambles, a complete wreck, horrifing, disbelief in the ugly truth. My mother has shared with me just how dark and hard that Christmas was for her. She says it was a year that forever changed Christmas for her. Her idea of family was torn apart and as if that was not enough, her mother died that holiday season and I wrecked her car while she was out of state at her mother's funeral. There was pain all around me. I was blaming myself, the old "if I had just kept my mouth shut" was all I could hear in my head. I know that this is not right and I no longer feel this way, but at the time it was overwhelming. What I had hoped would end my pain, only change my pain. I had no idea how long it would take me to move out of that pain, the feelings of being victimized and start to try to live life.
I'm glad that I can write about it, but I can tell that the scars are still there, those little shards of glass, the ones that get under your skin and you can't quite see. Yes, I have an uneasy feeling in my chest, but nothing that I can't deal with. I needed to write about this day in my life, it was a day when everything changed, no matter what followed. My life, my world, my family, would never be the same.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Accept, adjust and be happy
I'll admit that with change things have been challenging. I have begun to adjust and find that there are parts of me that are more understanding and patient. I woke up early this morning and laid in bed listening as hubby got ready to leave for the next several days again. I resisted the urge to get out of bed to spend time with him and found a sense of joy letting him have this part of his morning routine. I knew that this would be the one morning of the week that he would be able to give the dogs their treats, grab his cup of coffee and sit in front of the computer. I realized that this was important to him as it brings him a sense of normalcy.
What I have found over the last several weeks, and did not see because I was caught up in change, was the things the have made me smile. When hubby calls and says he is coming home it is like the dogs aka: the "boys"(Charlie and Sammie) have ESP and know that daddy is on his way home. They sit on the back of the couch and look out the front window waiting with anticipation to hear is car before it even comes around the corner. How they know is beyond me. They remind me of two children, oh wait they are our children. The delight when they hear his car, they run to the door, bark until daddy comes in and says hello. Which means that daddy gets on the floor, they lick his face, chew on his ears and he pretty much looks like any young boy playing with his dogs on the floor with a smile on his face, that is priceless. Which is a sight that I love, because hubby is 6'4" and to see him on the floor playing with his boys makes me, and him, laugh out loud. This of course means that I get a kiss and a hug after the dogs, which I have accepted. Even if it does mean that there is dog spit on his face. I just don't think it would be as cute if I jumped on him and started licking his face. Of course when he leaves the boys will pine a bit for him and wait and watch for when he comes home.
I have a renewed appreciation for doing nothing except sitting on the couch and watching crappy weekend TV. Why is it that even with all of the channels we get with cable TV there is still nothing worth watching? It doesn't really matter though because it is just nice to curl up on the couch and be able to put my head on his shoulder. It makes me smile that when he comes home my mom, who lives with us, feels the need to try to feed hubby as if she is feeding him for the whole week. Really, there is only so much he can eat in one weekend and only so much he can take with him. With all of the leftovers though, I don't have to worry about cooking for several days.
I am learning that when I just allow things to unfold naturally and not worry about hubby leaving on Monday we both enjoy our time together. I don't spend my time trying to take care of him, he can relax and not worry about whether I'll have a tough time when he leaves. Shhhhhhh, don't tell anyone, but I have even started to actually enjoy being alone, that makes me smile.
I have found that I like to do the things I want and not have to worry about being home at any given time. I can take long hot showers if I want, with out worrying about if I am leaving enough hot water for him. I can watch girl movies while curled up in bed with the dogs. I get to sleep in, or get up early. I can go shopping and not have to worry about how I'm going to get the new clothes past him. Yes, I am adjusting to being more independent. This weekend I even went to an art fair, all by myself, which I most likely would not have done if he were home, in the past. I'm starting to feel like the old me again. Confident of my own abilities to take care of things around the house. I even mowed the grass, cleaned up the front yard, took out the trash.
I have learned that I do need to have a bit more structure to my days and to make list of the things I want to do. Which I am starting to get the hang of. I know that I feel better about myself and I think that hubby feels better about his choice to take the job, even though it means he's away from home. Yes, indeed I am finding things to smile about, even if it is the sound of hubby and the "boys" snoring at night and keeping me awake.
So my goal is to try to continue to accept things for the way they are, adjust to being okay with being alone and to understand that my happiness is my responsibility.
What I have found over the last several weeks, and did not see because I was caught up in change, was the things the have made me smile. When hubby calls and says he is coming home it is like the dogs aka: the "boys"(Charlie and Sammie) have ESP and know that daddy is on his way home. They sit on the back of the couch and look out the front window waiting with anticipation to hear is car before it even comes around the corner. How they know is beyond me. They remind me of two children, oh wait they are our children. The delight when they hear his car, they run to the door, bark until daddy comes in and says hello. Which means that daddy gets on the floor, they lick his face, chew on his ears and he pretty much looks like any young boy playing with his dogs on the floor with a smile on his face, that is priceless. Which is a sight that I love, because hubby is 6'4" and to see him on the floor playing with his boys makes me, and him, laugh out loud. This of course means that I get a kiss and a hug after the dogs, which I have accepted. Even if it does mean that there is dog spit on his face. I just don't think it would be as cute if I jumped on him and started licking his face. Of course when he leaves the boys will pine a bit for him and wait and watch for when he comes home.
I have a renewed appreciation for doing nothing except sitting on the couch and watching crappy weekend TV. Why is it that even with all of the channels we get with cable TV there is still nothing worth watching? It doesn't really matter though because it is just nice to curl up on the couch and be able to put my head on his shoulder. It makes me smile that when he comes home my mom, who lives with us, feels the need to try to feed hubby as if she is feeding him for the whole week. Really, there is only so much he can eat in one weekend and only so much he can take with him. With all of the leftovers though, I don't have to worry about cooking for several days.
I am learning that when I just allow things to unfold naturally and not worry about hubby leaving on Monday we both enjoy our time together. I don't spend my time trying to take care of him, he can relax and not worry about whether I'll have a tough time when he leaves. Shhhhhhh, don't tell anyone, but I have even started to actually enjoy being alone, that makes me smile.
I have found that I like to do the things I want and not have to worry about being home at any given time. I can take long hot showers if I want, with out worrying about if I am leaving enough hot water for him. I can watch girl movies while curled up in bed with the dogs. I get to sleep in, or get up early. I can go shopping and not have to worry about how I'm going to get the new clothes past him. Yes, I am adjusting to being more independent. This weekend I even went to an art fair, all by myself, which I most likely would not have done if he were home, in the past. I'm starting to feel like the old me again. Confident of my own abilities to take care of things around the house. I even mowed the grass, cleaned up the front yard, took out the trash.
I have learned that I do need to have a bit more structure to my days and to make list of the things I want to do. Which I am starting to get the hang of. I know that I feel better about myself and I think that hubby feels better about his choice to take the job, even though it means he's away from home. Yes, indeed I am finding things to smile about, even if it is the sound of hubby and the "boys" snoring at night and keeping me awake.
So my goal is to try to continue to accept things for the way they are, adjust to being okay with being alone and to understand that my happiness is my responsibility.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
#2 from the "Bullshit that's not true" list.
I wrote a blog in Oct., the one that my counselor had given me the list and then told me that these are A.N.T.'s (Automatic Negative Thoughts) and that I was to respond to these thoughts with "Bullshit that's not true".
So I'm working on #2. I must do things right or I am an inadequate person. "Bullshit that's not true".
With the hubby being gone, I have found that I have had more time to work on this. Okay, it's more like life has forced me to work on this. I have found myself trying to do everything just "right" so that I can make everyone happy, what I have found is that I am making myself unhappy. I know that I don't need to have the house spotless when hubby comes home to visit. If it was, he would think something was wrong, because I am not the spotless house type. Anyway he's just glad to be home. I have felt disappointed in myself since hubby has been working and isn't home all the time. I feel as if I have become less motivated to follow through on some of the projects I have started. I know that I should be okay with this, we are all allowed time to adjust to change.
What I have started to understand for myself is that being self-organized and self-motivated are two very different things for me. I am organized, but self-motivated, maybe not so much...... and this is okay.
I am learning that the only person who has the highest expectations of me, is me. Why I feel the need to be a perfectionist does not escape me, it is because I'm a control freak,......that will be addressed in another blog. My perception of what "done right" is not necessarily what others perception of "done right" is. I usually find that I am much harder on myself, like I said I am a self admitted perfectionist. I know that you guys can relate to this on some level.
This past weekend I was the only one who made me unhappy, because I was trying so hard to make everything "right" that I forgot to relax and have fun with hubby and enjoy him being home. Trying so hard to make it "right" I missed out. I ended up feeling awful when he left on Monday morning because I had a sense of failure. We talked on the phone Monday evening. He told me that all he wants to do when he comes home is to spend time with me, the dogs, be able to take a good hot shower and have a nice meal. I started to understand just how my perception of things are different from other peoples.
So this week I have been finding ways to use my talents to organize, to help me find the motivation to move forward again on the path that I'm on. In being able to do this I feel better about me and I am finding that it is not as important if I am doing it "right" just the fact that I am doing is great.
I am also aware that I don't want to do everything right all the time, it takes the fun out of it. Sometimes the best things come from coloring outside of the lines and not doing it "right".
P.S. I have reread this about three times now to make sure it's just "right"......LOL......I said I was working on this not that I had mastered it.
So I'm working on #2. I must do things right or I am an inadequate person. "Bullshit that's not true".
With the hubby being gone, I have found that I have had more time to work on this. Okay, it's more like life has forced me to work on this. I have found myself trying to do everything just "right" so that I can make everyone happy, what I have found is that I am making myself unhappy. I know that I don't need to have the house spotless when hubby comes home to visit. If it was, he would think something was wrong, because I am not the spotless house type. Anyway he's just glad to be home. I have felt disappointed in myself since hubby has been working and isn't home all the time. I feel as if I have become less motivated to follow through on some of the projects I have started. I know that I should be okay with this, we are all allowed time to adjust to change.
What I have started to understand for myself is that being self-organized and self-motivated are two very different things for me. I am organized, but self-motivated, maybe not so much...... and this is okay.
I am learning that the only person who has the highest expectations of me, is me. Why I feel the need to be a perfectionist does not escape me, it is because I'm a control freak,......that will be addressed in another blog. My perception of what "done right" is not necessarily what others perception of "done right" is. I usually find that I am much harder on myself, like I said I am a self admitted perfectionist. I know that you guys can relate to this on some level.
This past weekend I was the only one who made me unhappy, because I was trying so hard to make everything "right" that I forgot to relax and have fun with hubby and enjoy him being home. Trying so hard to make it "right" I missed out. I ended up feeling awful when he left on Monday morning because I had a sense of failure. We talked on the phone Monday evening. He told me that all he wants to do when he comes home is to spend time with me, the dogs, be able to take a good hot shower and have a nice meal. I started to understand just how my perception of things are different from other peoples.
So this week I have been finding ways to use my talents to organize, to help me find the motivation to move forward again on the path that I'm on. In being able to do this I feel better about me and I am finding that it is not as important if I am doing it "right" just the fact that I am doing is great.
I am also aware that I don't want to do everything right all the time, it takes the fun out of it. Sometimes the best things come from coloring outside of the lines and not doing it "right".
P.S. I have reread this about three times now to make sure it's just "right"......LOL......I said I was working on this not that I had mastered it.
Monday, November 15, 2010
the begining of another week
I can't say that I've adjusted to the hubby leaving every Monday morning and being gone for a week, because I haven't. I still stand at the front door and watch him drive away wiping tears from my face. Yesterday, frankly was the worst. I get caught in this trap in my head, I want everything to be just right when hubby comes home on the weekends. It has been a wonderful surprise the last two weekends when he calls and says he is coming home, I've been lucky that he has been able to come home. I know it is just around the corner when he calls and says he's not coming home that he has to work all weekend.
I still want to make everything really nice when he comes home and I know that I am putting much higher expectations on myself than anyone else is, but I seem to do okay until Sunday and then I just kind of fall apart. I hate going through this and right now I don't care what the lesson is that I'm supposed to be learning from all of this being alone stuff. I hate feeling this emotionally raw and unsettled. It seems that I do okay by myself and that I usually get over this hump by Tuesday, but between Sunday afternoon and Monday night is very tough. Yesterday every time I looked at my hubby I started to cry. How much fun could that have been? I tried to explain what I was feeling but considering that I couldn't really put my finger on it, how was I suppose to tell him? I don't want him leaving feeling that he has to worry about me. I keep telling myself that there is something good that is going to come from all of this and I will learn something about myself. I just had to move through the first part of this so that I could try to move forward today, instead of sitting around crying, which is what in my heart I want to do, but isolation is not the answer...not sure what is.
I still want to make everything really nice when he comes home and I know that I am putting much higher expectations on myself than anyone else is, but I seem to do okay until Sunday and then I just kind of fall apart. I hate going through this and right now I don't care what the lesson is that I'm supposed to be learning from all of this being alone stuff. I hate feeling this emotionally raw and unsettled. It seems that I do okay by myself and that I usually get over this hump by Tuesday, but between Sunday afternoon and Monday night is very tough. Yesterday every time I looked at my hubby I started to cry. How much fun could that have been? I tried to explain what I was feeling but considering that I couldn't really put my finger on it, how was I suppose to tell him? I don't want him leaving feeling that he has to worry about me. I keep telling myself that there is something good that is going to come from all of this and I will learn something about myself. I just had to move through the first part of this so that I could try to move forward today, instead of sitting around crying, which is what in my heart I want to do, but isolation is not the answer...not sure what is.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
What helped ?????? (Sorry this one is a bit long and alittle dry.)
So what helped me move through the challenges of abandonment, fear and feeling unsafe?
My counselor has been helping me work on a focusing therapy that helps me sense the problem in my body and work with it from that direction. It is similar to a guided meditation but with a specific goal in mind which helps me identify what the feeling is, where it is in my body, what it looks like and the emotion that goes with it. This process is kind of hard for me to explain and to put into proper words, although I wish I could because after using it I was able to make some real change in how I felt and move myself from a place of vulnerability to a place that feels safe.
Below I have posted some information on focusing that I found on the internet. I did my best to edit it to help get the point across, without it being to clinical or boring or dry. I would say if it is something you wanted to try for yourself than do some research on the internet or ask your counselor if they might be willing to help you learn this.
1. I believe the next right step in my life will occur when I turn to myself, when I pay attention to my inner experiencing. I do not believe that you know better than I what that next step will be.
2. Who is "I"? "I" is nothing else but "I". "I" cannot be defined by anything else. Beyond the "I" there is no going back. Nevertheless there is more than "I". But this "more" is only accessible by or through the "I". Notice, that the "I" is not the same as the "ego". The "ego" is an object, the "I" is the subject. The "I" is blank. The "I" is free. The "I" is always there - even if it is sometimes or for a long time withdrawn, hidden or lost. It is neither sick nor healthy. It is always intact, inviolable.
3. What does "myself" signify? "Myself" is what I am presently experiencing, everything I perceive within myself at the moment. What I perceive are contents. It is good and it does me good to perceive everything, whatever that may be. However, all that is not what I am, all that is what I "have". By becoming aware that I have these contents, I feel that the "I" is free. As long as I do not become aware of what is there, I believe all that is what I am. The "I" then is identified with contents and thus becomes an "ego". The "ego" is not able to be aware, is not able to face the "adopted" content. Because of the lack of relationship, of interaction between "ego" and content, the content cannot change. The content remains rigid. The manner of experiencing gets structure bound. Therefore this identification may give rise to many of those states we describe as "ill". This identification confines us, oppresses us, obstructs us, takes our breath away as well as our space.
4. "To turn towards oneself" means to open towards the inner world, to be silent and attentive. To listen, to look, to feel inwardly. To listen with friendly ears, to look with soft eyes, to feel with free breath. Inner attention. "To pay attention" means: to be aware without valuing, without explaining, without describing. To become aware without words.
5. Turning towards myself in this way immediately gives rise to a bodily feeling of increased freedom and, in the same time, of increased security. A whole mood of greater lightness comes up, even if the words that usually describe the contents which are in awareness sound unpleasant: loneliness, helplessness, tension, irritation, pain, etc. An inner, bodily felt space is created within in which the "I" is able to walk around, to choose, to look, to feel or to separate from something, to drop it, to pass it.
6. If the "I" is turning towards a content and directing its attention towards the implicit part of this content, towards the felt sense, the "I" will sense something. This something is obviously already there (it is felt) but it is not complete, not finished yet. It is felt but not known, it is felt but not communicable, it is felt but it does not become an action yet. It is waiting for a carrying forward, it is demanding a next step. This step will change the something itself.
7. This step forward will come "by itself", I don't have to figure it out. Therefore the step comes as a surprise. It comes because the body, the whole organism "knows" what it needs, "knows" what would be right, "knows" what the next step should be. Why does the body "know" all these things? Our body is a living process that has always interacted and is always interacting with its environment, in fact it has never actually existed without its environment. And thus it "knows" about its environment. Our body is an ongoing living process that grows by itself, that takes steps by interactive processes. It is neither a chaotic bundle of drives that one has to impose an order on, nor it is a white sheet on which environment first has to write its story, nor it is an empty box that is only filled by education, by the gathering of knowledge. Because we understand the organism, the body, the creature, the human being as a process that is environmental from the very beginning and that takes its own steps from this interaction with its environment.
8. All this means: the body implies its next step. This order of carrying forward makes us understand exactly the inner logic of changing processes. The order of carrying forward defines, governs the changing processes, the therapeutic process.
9. What is this order of carrying forward? This term says that the way the body discovers the next step that will carry forward the present process of experiencing has a certain order. The next step is not a logical result of what is already there, nevertheless this carrying forward does have a certain order. It is an order which is not yet finished. This order demands a carrying forward. The body (nature, felt sense, ...) is ready for the next step. But it is not easy to find one. Most of the questions or concepts do not lead to an experiential, felt step, do not carry forward the process (body, nature, ...). In Focusing Therapy we are looking for those concepts (questions, words, actions, ...) that bring this experiential step forward. Concepts (questions, actions, ...) leading to a bodily felt step forward give us the inwardly felt evidence that only these concepts, questions, concepts are right and "true". What was there before the step is changed by the step. Therefore every step changes the whole body - and the whole changed body, the changed felt sense is again ready for a next new step. Thus a changing process occurs. Looking backwards this process seems to be logical. Afterwards we can read an order (a logical one, a dialectical one, ...) into this process. But this later imposed order is not the "natural" order, it is the order made by our construction. The natural order is an order of carrying forward. Each carrying forward step is a new one, not completely determined by what had happened before the step.
10. If in Focusing Therapy we use the word "body" we do not mean the body we can see from the outside, but the inwardly felt body. "Felt inwardly the body is directed towards the world and towards what has not happened yet, but may happen. ... The body is in the given situation and the situation also is in the body. Feelings are not inner objects, but the life of the body continuing in the environment"
11. The body is capable, but not obliged to proceed at any given moment. It may be that the next step won't come now. It is sometimes hard to find the right question, to find the right concept, to find the right symbol that carries forward the process. Insisting means delay, detours are only such in the light of specific intentions.
12. Experiencing is expressed last of all in words. It manifests itself in bodily sensations, in feelings, in inner images - and also in words. Speech is not the only means of expression. Expression occurs above all directly through the body: in stopping or changing the body (its breathing, its skin and muscles, its posture, its expressions and gestures). It can also occur in painting, in dancing, in playing.
13. Focusing therapy cannot be defined only by methods. We cannot and should not describe Focusing Therapy by listing specific techniques. In Focusing Therapy the client comes first - and after this we also are creating and using specific methods. Focusing therapy doesn't impose a method on another person.
Focusing Therapy can be a home coming, a coming home to oneself.
Okay, I'm sorry that this was kind of long and a bit boring, but I worked with the focusing method on my own for three days in a row and by the third day I felt as if it had really helped me. Of course all of you know that I am always willing to put myself under the microscope and try to figure stuff out.
What I can say is, whether it was the focusing, the blogging or just me dissecting it all, I am glad that some how I got myself and my emotions to move and change. It feels as if there is new light in what once a dark corner.
My counselor has been helping me work on a focusing therapy that helps me sense the problem in my body and work with it from that direction. It is similar to a guided meditation but with a specific goal in mind which helps me identify what the feeling is, where it is in my body, what it looks like and the emotion that goes with it. This process is kind of hard for me to explain and to put into proper words, although I wish I could because after using it I was able to make some real change in how I felt and move myself from a place of vulnerability to a place that feels safe.
Below I have posted some information on focusing that I found on the internet. I did my best to edit it to help get the point across, without it being to clinical or boring or dry. I would say if it is something you wanted to try for yourself than do some research on the internet or ask your counselor if they might be willing to help you learn this.
1. I believe the next right step in my life will occur when I turn to myself, when I pay attention to my inner experiencing. I do not believe that you know better than I what that next step will be.
2. Who is "I"? "I" is nothing else but "I". "I" cannot be defined by anything else. Beyond the "I" there is no going back. Nevertheless there is more than "I". But this "more" is only accessible by or through the "I". Notice, that the "I" is not the same as the "ego". The "ego" is an object, the "I" is the subject. The "I" is blank. The "I" is free. The "I" is always there - even if it is sometimes or for a long time withdrawn, hidden or lost. It is neither sick nor healthy. It is always intact, inviolable.
3. What does "myself" signify? "Myself" is what I am presently experiencing, everything I perceive within myself at the moment. What I perceive are contents. It is good and it does me good to perceive everything, whatever that may be. However, all that is not what I am, all that is what I "have". By becoming aware that I have these contents, I feel that the "I" is free. As long as I do not become aware of what is there, I believe all that is what I am. The "I" then is identified with contents and thus becomes an "ego". The "ego" is not able to be aware, is not able to face the "adopted" content. Because of the lack of relationship, of interaction between "ego" and content, the content cannot change. The content remains rigid. The manner of experiencing gets structure bound. Therefore this identification may give rise to many of those states we describe as "ill". This identification confines us, oppresses us, obstructs us, takes our breath away as well as our space.
4. "To turn towards oneself" means to open towards the inner world, to be silent and attentive. To listen, to look, to feel inwardly. To listen with friendly ears, to look with soft eyes, to feel with free breath. Inner attention. "To pay attention" means: to be aware without valuing, without explaining, without describing. To become aware without words.
5. Turning towards myself in this way immediately gives rise to a bodily feeling of increased freedom and, in the same time, of increased security. A whole mood of greater lightness comes up, even if the words that usually describe the contents which are in awareness sound unpleasant: loneliness, helplessness, tension, irritation, pain, etc. An inner, bodily felt space is created within in which the "I" is able to walk around, to choose, to look, to feel or to separate from something, to drop it, to pass it.
6. If the "I" is turning towards a content and directing its attention towards the implicit part of this content, towards the felt sense, the "I" will sense something. This something is obviously already there (it is felt) but it is not complete, not finished yet. It is felt but not known, it is felt but not communicable, it is felt but it does not become an action yet. It is waiting for a carrying forward, it is demanding a next step. This step will change the something itself.
7. This step forward will come "by itself", I don't have to figure it out. Therefore the step comes as a surprise. It comes because the body, the whole organism "knows" what it needs, "knows" what would be right, "knows" what the next step should be. Why does the body "know" all these things? Our body is a living process that has always interacted and is always interacting with its environment, in fact it has never actually existed without its environment. And thus it "knows" about its environment. Our body is an ongoing living process that grows by itself, that takes steps by interactive processes. It is neither a chaotic bundle of drives that one has to impose an order on, nor it is a white sheet on which environment first has to write its story, nor it is an empty box that is only filled by education, by the gathering of knowledge. Because we understand the organism, the body, the creature, the human being as a process that is environmental from the very beginning and that takes its own steps from this interaction with its environment.
8. All this means: the body implies its next step. This order of carrying forward makes us understand exactly the inner logic of changing processes. The order of carrying forward defines, governs the changing processes, the therapeutic process.
9. What is this order of carrying forward? This term says that the way the body discovers the next step that will carry forward the present process of experiencing has a certain order. The next step is not a logical result of what is already there, nevertheless this carrying forward does have a certain order. It is an order which is not yet finished. This order demands a carrying forward. The body (nature, felt sense, ...) is ready for the next step. But it is not easy to find one. Most of the questions or concepts do not lead to an experiential, felt step, do not carry forward the process (body, nature, ...). In Focusing Therapy we are looking for those concepts (questions, words, actions, ...) that bring this experiential step forward. Concepts (questions, actions, ...) leading to a bodily felt step forward give us the inwardly felt evidence that only these concepts, questions, concepts are right and "true". What was there before the step is changed by the step. Therefore every step changes the whole body - and the whole changed body, the changed felt sense is again ready for a next new step. Thus a changing process occurs. Looking backwards this process seems to be logical. Afterwards we can read an order (a logical one, a dialectical one, ...) into this process. But this later imposed order is not the "natural" order, it is the order made by our construction. The natural order is an order of carrying forward. Each carrying forward step is a new one, not completely determined by what had happened before the step.
10. If in Focusing Therapy we use the word "body" we do not mean the body we can see from the outside, but the inwardly felt body. "Felt inwardly the body is directed towards the world and towards what has not happened yet, but may happen. ... The body is in the given situation and the situation also is in the body. Feelings are not inner objects, but the life of the body continuing in the environment"
11. The body is capable, but not obliged to proceed at any given moment. It may be that the next step won't come now. It is sometimes hard to find the right question, to find the right concept, to find the right symbol that carries forward the process. Insisting means delay, detours are only such in the light of specific intentions.
12. Experiencing is expressed last of all in words. It manifests itself in bodily sensations, in feelings, in inner images - and also in words. Speech is not the only means of expression. Expression occurs above all directly through the body: in stopping or changing the body (its breathing, its skin and muscles, its posture, its expressions and gestures). It can also occur in painting, in dancing, in playing.
13. Focusing therapy cannot be defined only by methods. We cannot and should not describe Focusing Therapy by listing specific techniques. In Focusing Therapy the client comes first - and after this we also are creating and using specific methods. Focusing therapy doesn't impose a method on another person.
Focusing Therapy can be a home coming, a coming home to oneself.
Okay, I'm sorry that this was kind of long and a bit boring, but I worked with the focusing method on my own for three days in a row and by the third day I felt as if it had really helped me. Of course all of you know that I am always willing to put myself under the microscope and try to figure stuff out.
What I can say is, whether it was the focusing, the blogging or just me dissecting it all, I am glad that some how I got myself and my emotions to move and change. It feels as if there is new light in what once a dark corner.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Working on # 9 of the "Bullshit that's not true" list.........
If you missed it you can read my previous blog "Bullshit that's not true" posted 10/08/2010
#9 on the list was.... My past history determines my present behavior.
Okay, now I get it. I have been allowing my past to effect my present behavior. All of this abandonment, fear and insecurity stuff has come from my past. So I ask myself why should I give it any more power in my life to make me unhappy? I shouldn't! I should respond as my counselor says " Bullshit that's not true". My past filled with abuse does not reflect my life as it is now. I have no reason to feel abandoned, scared or afraid. I am in a loving relationship, I am doing things I love and that I feel are important, I have people in my life who support me and believe in me unconditionally.
If I continue to allow my past to effect my present then I am only continuing to give power to those who do not deserve to have any influence in my life. If my past history has any impact on my present life, which I know it does, it should be to make me stronger in my determination to have a happy and joyful life in spite of the abuse and not let it break me. I have moved through today and some where that 12 year old girl inside me has found her voice, but instead of her being fearful she has found courage and trust.
I know that I will always carry the scars of the abuse and that they will push their way into my life but, I do not have to let them stay around and make me miserable because of someone else's behavior. I have been strong in the past and I have found courage I did not believe I had. I must trust that those things are still there. I can and will connect with them.
So, as of today, I have a new understanding of #9 on my list and I feel that I can mark that one off .
I am making the choice to move forward as the strong and courageous person I know I can be.
#9 on the list was.... My past history determines my present behavior.
Okay, now I get it. I have been allowing my past to effect my present behavior. All of this abandonment, fear and insecurity stuff has come from my past. So I ask myself why should I give it any more power in my life to make me unhappy? I shouldn't! I should respond as my counselor says " Bullshit that's not true". My past filled with abuse does not reflect my life as it is now. I have no reason to feel abandoned, scared or afraid. I am in a loving relationship, I am doing things I love and that I feel are important, I have people in my life who support me and believe in me unconditionally.
If I continue to allow my past to effect my present then I am only continuing to give power to those who do not deserve to have any influence in my life. If my past history has any impact on my present life, which I know it does, it should be to make me stronger in my determination to have a happy and joyful life in spite of the abuse and not let it break me. I have moved through today and some where that 12 year old girl inside me has found her voice, but instead of her being fearful she has found courage and trust.
I know that I will always carry the scars of the abuse and that they will push their way into my life but, I do not have to let them stay around and make me miserable because of someone else's behavior. I have been strong in the past and I have found courage I did not believe I had. I must trust that those things are still there. I can and will connect with them.
So, as of today, I have a new understanding of #9 on my list and I feel that I can mark that one off .
I am making the choice to move forward as the strong and courageous person I know I can be.
Vulnerable: susceptible to attack or damage.......
Vulnerable: susceptible to attack or damage.......
Feeling vulnerable in a lot of ways at the moment.
The abandonment issues are not going away as easily as I wished they would. This really does not surprise me but, it also doesn't mean that I can't wish that they would go away easily. I do feel vulnerable, like I am just waiting for something to happen. It is an uneasy feeling to live with and a part of me just wants to find something to distract my attention from the issue. This is most likely not a good idea. I know that this issue is present because I need to deal with it and any distractions I may find my not be in my best interest considering that they would be for all the wrong reasons and it would most likely lead me into more trouble than anything else. I have, though, found a couple of safe things I can do to distract myself for a short time so I guess that may be a better option.
I did go out and buy an exercise machine in hopes that it would help decrease some anxiety and help to keep my depression at bay. I now just have to get into the routine of using it every morning otherwise it will start to collect clothing or dust. I try to take the dogs out for a walk every evening, now that the weather is cooler. I am trying to watch what I eat so maybe I can get into better shape. I know I'm controlling all of the things I can and in someways that in it's self is a distraction to help me avoid the issue of abandonment.
I am not comfortable being alone and I'm not sure that I ever will be, that remains to be seen. I did see pictures of my daughter and granddaughters last night on the computer and they are beautiful. It also made me cry because I miss them a lot. That seems to be a theme in my life right now, that space where loved ones are in your heart but not there physically. What can I tell you except that's what feeling vulnerable is like for me. That aloneness that won't go away and the fear that goes with being by ones self.
Still I'm working on it and I'm doing the best I can. Some days are much easier than others and today does not feel it is going to be an easy one. The tears are just under the surface, emotions are raw and yes I am alone today. I guess my best bet is to finish this up, go get on my exercise machine before it starts to collect dust and move forward with my day from there. That' the best I can do for right now.
Feeling vulnerable in a lot of ways at the moment.
The abandonment issues are not going away as easily as I wished they would. This really does not surprise me but, it also doesn't mean that I can't wish that they would go away easily. I do feel vulnerable, like I am just waiting for something to happen. It is an uneasy feeling to live with and a part of me just wants to find something to distract my attention from the issue. This is most likely not a good idea. I know that this issue is present because I need to deal with it and any distractions I may find my not be in my best interest considering that they would be for all the wrong reasons and it would most likely lead me into more trouble than anything else. I have, though, found a couple of safe things I can do to distract myself for a short time so I guess that may be a better option.
I did go out and buy an exercise machine in hopes that it would help decrease some anxiety and help to keep my depression at bay. I now just have to get into the routine of using it every morning otherwise it will start to collect clothing or dust. I try to take the dogs out for a walk every evening, now that the weather is cooler. I am trying to watch what I eat so maybe I can get into better shape. I know I'm controlling all of the things I can and in someways that in it's self is a distraction to help me avoid the issue of abandonment.
I am not comfortable being alone and I'm not sure that I ever will be, that remains to be seen. I did see pictures of my daughter and granddaughters last night on the computer and they are beautiful. It also made me cry because I miss them a lot. That seems to be a theme in my life right now, that space where loved ones are in your heart but not there physically. What can I tell you except that's what feeling vulnerable is like for me. That aloneness that won't go away and the fear that goes with being by ones self.
Still I'm working on it and I'm doing the best I can. Some days are much easier than others and today does not feel it is going to be an easy one. The tears are just under the surface, emotions are raw and yes I am alone today. I guess my best bet is to finish this up, go get on my exercise machine before it starts to collect dust and move forward with my day from there. That' the best I can do for right now.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Just another life lesson to be learned....
Okay, so I know that I am dealing with some depression and anxiety. I know that in part it is due to the resent changes at home, but I am struggling to find a way around them, maybe around them is not the way to phrase it, more like through them. I feel this sort of heaviness in my chest. I know that it is a physical sign of my emotional state. It is uncomfortable and sometimes hard to get a handle on, one seems to trigger the other.
From my past understanding of my emotional triggers I know that I am also dealing with some,okay that is an understatement, abandonment issues.These seem to be my most challenging issues to deal with and I know that they are the ones I have avoided dealing with because they are the most uncomfortable ones. They leave me feeling vulnerable, unsure, unsafe and insecure. I get frustrated with feeling this way because I end up feeling weak. I know logically this is not the case and that I am a strong person with a lot of courage, how else would I have been able to get this far in my own recovery? My head seems to be racing as if trying to run from the issues, not wanting to slow down long enough for fear that they will catch up to me.......
I think this is already happening. I am scared , yes, to face childhood issues once again. Sometimes it seems as if it is a never ending process. I often ask myself will I ever be free from the memories of childhood and I know the answer. I know that they are something that I will always carry with me. Honestly though I just wish I could forget them and experience life, even for a short time, without the pain. I do understand that I have a lot in my life to be thankful for.
I can tell you that I now know that I have hit on the root of my present challenges as I am finding myself somewhat overwhelmed by a sadness that makes me cry. Not sure what I am crying about, whether it is for the things done in the past or the fact that the pain still is able to make me feel vulnerable and unsafe. No one at home tonight to help me, just me and my scared little girl inside. I understand that I am the only one who can make her and me feel safe and okay. I am doing my best to figure it out and I know that I will. In the end I will have learned something new about myself but, sometimes it is a painful process and healing sometimes comes slowly. I know not to fight this and to allow it to happen in the manner in which it is suppose to happen. In the mean time I will keep telling myself that it is okay, that I have nothing to fear and that little girl inside can be reassured that I will not let her be hurt or abused ever again.
From my past understanding of my emotional triggers I know that I am also dealing with some,okay that is an understatement, abandonment issues.These seem to be my most challenging issues to deal with and I know that they are the ones I have avoided dealing with because they are the most uncomfortable ones. They leave me feeling vulnerable, unsure, unsafe and insecure. I get frustrated with feeling this way because I end up feeling weak. I know logically this is not the case and that I am a strong person with a lot of courage, how else would I have been able to get this far in my own recovery? My head seems to be racing as if trying to run from the issues, not wanting to slow down long enough for fear that they will catch up to me.......
I think this is already happening. I am scared , yes, to face childhood issues once again. Sometimes it seems as if it is a never ending process. I often ask myself will I ever be free from the memories of childhood and I know the answer. I know that they are something that I will always carry with me. Honestly though I just wish I could forget them and experience life, even for a short time, without the pain. I do understand that I have a lot in my life to be thankful for.
I can tell you that I now know that I have hit on the root of my present challenges as I am finding myself somewhat overwhelmed by a sadness that makes me cry. Not sure what I am crying about, whether it is for the things done in the past or the fact that the pain still is able to make me feel vulnerable and unsafe. No one at home tonight to help me, just me and my scared little girl inside. I understand that I am the only one who can make her and me feel safe and okay. I am doing my best to figure it out and I know that I will. In the end I will have learned something new about myself but, sometimes it is a painful process and healing sometimes comes slowly. I know not to fight this and to allow it to happen in the manner in which it is suppose to happen. In the mean time I will keep telling myself that it is okay, that I have nothing to fear and that little girl inside can be reassured that I will not let her be hurt or abused ever again.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Struggling to be independent...............
I'm finding it tougher than I thought it would be to become independent again.
It may be that being alone has trigger some old stuff. Ok, who am I kidding. I know that change for me tends to do this. Some of the issues go back to childhood and that feeling of being vulnerable. Without anyone else here the hurt little girl has come out of her dark corner and is telling me it's not safe to be alone and my adult is trying to calm her, let her know that everything is ok. I am struggling with getting out of the house to do things by myself yet, I know that I can not allow old behaviors to take up resendency.
It took me years to learn how to really live on my own. For years I could not sleep with my bedroom door closed. I remember having my first apartment, I worked so hard to make my bedroom a beautiful and quiet place to be, yet I always ended up sleeping on the couch. Well I'm not sleeping on the couch but the bedroom door is open. I can look at this and I know that I am safe but, that little girl is so very uneasy with change. I am trying to find things to go do, things that will bring comfort, pleasure and happiness into my life, with out anyone else being responsible for it.
I was not expecting this. I have a tendency to look past the past and say that I have come to terms with it. Yet it is a part of who I am and it is something that I will always carry with me and I never know when it will be triggered. I've worked hard to understand my abusive childhood. I have for the most part done well. This is just a reminder that it is something that I will always carry with me, the scars are still there.
I guess this is just another test and life lesson. One that I hope will help me see new strength in myself, but for right know I think it is okay to find someway to comfort that little scared girl so that I don't go into a depression, stay in my house and cut myself off from the world out side, because my adult knows that is not an option.
On the upside the hubby is doing really good and sounds great when we talk on the phone. He is taking care of his own stuff and I am very happy to know that he is well. I have been trying not to share to much of my challenges with him,
A: because I don't want him to worry
B: because these are my issues and challenges.
I will go and see him soon but, he won't be able to come home until Thanksgiving. I'm already counting the days. As my hubby once said to me " How can I miss you if you don't go away." LOL....how true it is. We never know how much we will miss someone until they are not there.
It may be that being alone has trigger some old stuff. Ok, who am I kidding. I know that change for me tends to do this. Some of the issues go back to childhood and that feeling of being vulnerable. Without anyone else here the hurt little girl has come out of her dark corner and is telling me it's not safe to be alone and my adult is trying to calm her, let her know that everything is ok. I am struggling with getting out of the house to do things by myself yet, I know that I can not allow old behaviors to take up resendency.
It took me years to learn how to really live on my own. For years I could not sleep with my bedroom door closed. I remember having my first apartment, I worked so hard to make my bedroom a beautiful and quiet place to be, yet I always ended up sleeping on the couch. Well I'm not sleeping on the couch but the bedroom door is open. I can look at this and I know that I am safe but, that little girl is so very uneasy with change. I am trying to find things to go do, things that will bring comfort, pleasure and happiness into my life, with out anyone else being responsible for it.
I was not expecting this. I have a tendency to look past the past and say that I have come to terms with it. Yet it is a part of who I am and it is something that I will always carry with me and I never know when it will be triggered. I've worked hard to understand my abusive childhood. I have for the most part done well. This is just a reminder that it is something that I will always carry with me, the scars are still there.
I guess this is just another test and life lesson. One that I hope will help me see new strength in myself, but for right know I think it is okay to find someway to comfort that little scared girl so that I don't go into a depression, stay in my house and cut myself off from the world out side, because my adult knows that is not an option.
On the upside the hubby is doing really good and sounds great when we talk on the phone. He is taking care of his own stuff and I am very happy to know that he is well. I have been trying not to share to much of my challenges with him,
A: because I don't want him to worry
B: because these are my issues and challenges.
I will go and see him soon but, he won't be able to come home until Thanksgiving. I'm already counting the days. As my hubby once said to me " How can I miss you if you don't go away." LOL....how true it is. We never know how much we will miss someone until they are not there.
Friday, October 29, 2010
From codependant to independant.....
Well at least it is the start of trying to become comfortable once again with being independent. Hubby got a job and it pays good money but it also means that he is away from home for weeks at a time, heck I'm not even sure when I'll see him next. He left on Monday and yes we talk every night but it is an adjustment.There is a part of me that does see this as a good opportunity to hit the reset button on our relationship.
Maybe know we can move it from codependent to independent.
What I am finding out about myself though just how much of a challenge it is for me to be independent. Learning to make the most of my new found extra time is harder than I thought it would be. Now it truly is up to me as to whether I am happy and get myself out of the house or give in on those days when I am not doing well and hide out in my bedroom. There is no one there to distract me, no one else's problems for me to focus on, other than my own challenges. Nothing that I feel the need to fix. Me time, now why should that scare me so much? Could it be that I have become so much more comfortable with being a codependent person in a codependent relationship. I have thought of myself as more independent, maybe my perception is off. Maybe I am one way in my professional life and the opposite in my personal life, LOL..I am bi-polar so why not.
I am beginning to understand the impact of living a codependent life style, and that there is a delicate thin line between codependent and independent in a health relationship. As someone who grew up in an household where there was trauma, it took me years to understand my codependent behaviors. My codependency was born out of fear and self preservation as a child. Anything, and I do mean anything, was better than being alone by myself at home, because being at home with no one else around meant that I could be hurt. As I grew up I did not understand that I deserved better. The need not to be alone was overwhelming. It was a long journey learning how to live by myself and not feel as if I needed to have someone else in my life to make me feel valued as a person. I would have people in my life and it did not matter if that person was good for, or too, me. Almost like an addiction, being alone was the withdrawal, slow, painful, full of fear of the unknown. Feeling helpless and alone, not seeing value in myself. I did manage to change my codependent behaviors and haven't struggled with them for some time, but this last year has been different.
My codependent behaviors came back into my life like an old friend, not necessarily someone you jump for joy to see, but still someone you know and there is a certain comfort level. It slowly crept back into my life. I didn't even really see it until it had already taken up residency. I would be wrong to say that it was because of my hubby's challenges with depression, although I do understand that it does take two to be codependent.
In all honesty, I somewhere along the line made a choice to put other people first in hopes of getting their approval and love, and my old friend codependent was back in my life. I am know once again exploring my independence and learning how to embrace me time, love myself, and be okay being alone. I know that I am worthy of my love and that should be my first priority. It still is uncomfortable, because my old friend it just lurking around the corner waiting for me to leave the door open so that it can come in uninvited.
So for today I love me and I will do something just for me. I'll let you know what it is I do in the next blog or two, as I don't have a clue yet.
Maybe know we can move it from codependent to independent.
What I am finding out about myself though just how much of a challenge it is for me to be independent. Learning to make the most of my new found extra time is harder than I thought it would be. Now it truly is up to me as to whether I am happy and get myself out of the house or give in on those days when I am not doing well and hide out in my bedroom. There is no one there to distract me, no one else's problems for me to focus on, other than my own challenges. Nothing that I feel the need to fix. Me time, now why should that scare me so much? Could it be that I have become so much more comfortable with being a codependent person in a codependent relationship. I have thought of myself as more independent, maybe my perception is off. Maybe I am one way in my professional life and the opposite in my personal life, LOL..I am bi-polar so why not.
I am beginning to understand the impact of living a codependent life style, and that there is a delicate thin line between codependent and independent in a health relationship. As someone who grew up in an household where there was trauma, it took me years to understand my codependent behaviors. My codependency was born out of fear and self preservation as a child. Anything, and I do mean anything, was better than being alone by myself at home, because being at home with no one else around meant that I could be hurt. As I grew up I did not understand that I deserved better. The need not to be alone was overwhelming. It was a long journey learning how to live by myself and not feel as if I needed to have someone else in my life to make me feel valued as a person. I would have people in my life and it did not matter if that person was good for, or too, me. Almost like an addiction, being alone was the withdrawal, slow, painful, full of fear of the unknown. Feeling helpless and alone, not seeing value in myself. I did manage to change my codependent behaviors and haven't struggled with them for some time, but this last year has been different.
My codependent behaviors came back into my life like an old friend, not necessarily someone you jump for joy to see, but still someone you know and there is a certain comfort level. It slowly crept back into my life. I didn't even really see it until it had already taken up residency. I would be wrong to say that it was because of my hubby's challenges with depression, although I do understand that it does take two to be codependent.
In all honesty, I somewhere along the line made a choice to put other people first in hopes of getting their approval and love, and my old friend codependent was back in my life. I am know once again exploring my independence and learning how to embrace me time, love myself, and be okay being alone. I know that I am worthy of my love and that should be my first priority. It still is uncomfortable, because my old friend it just lurking around the corner waiting for me to leave the door open so that it can come in uninvited.
So for today I love me and I will do something just for me. I'll let you know what it is I do in the next blog or two, as I don't have a clue yet.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
....that you are blessed.
This is what came up on my facebook apps.(god wants you to know).
I am surprised at how close to the truth it can be sometimes.
It said
... "that you are blessed. You may think you have challenges, but you have so many blessings. Sometimes it takes only a moment of conscious effort to recognize those blessings. Once you focus on the gifts instead of the problems, your whole perspective will change and you will see blessings everywhere".
Some of this blog is my written reply to a facebook friend who had not heard from me and had expressed her concern for me.
.(me to her)....."I have been struggling with depression, worry and pain from my arthritis for the last several days.My way of dealing with it is to put on the shiny happy katie face and push through. I know that it is not the best way to handle it. I also know that there is a price to pay for doing it this way. I have been overwhelmed and feel somewhat as if the walls are going to fall down around me, yet I keep tell myself it will all be okay. I am being tested to my absolute limits. I am at least in a place right now that some of the sunshine is peeking through the very dark clouds that have been hanging around"........
I am always amazed out how those of us who have challenges are so willing to reach a hand out to help others. People that we have never meet face to face, yet share our most personal struggles with. It is a comfort to know that others are out there to support, share and understand our challenges. To know that judgement is not being passed, that there is a mutual understanding and compassion, someone else in this world who gets it.
So I guess that I am going to look past my challenges and look for my blessings. After all I know they are there I have just been distracted by my own challenges.
The ones I see......
I am blessed to have people who care about me, including those who are on the internet. I am blessed that people whom I have not met face to face express they care about me. What a wonderful gift to give to someone. It renews my faith and hope that people are good and kind at heart and that even in today's world of technology, caring, compassion and hope still come through. Yes I think I can start seeing the blessings. It is right. I just needed to make an effort to see them. Thank You My Friends.......
I am surprised at how close to the truth it can be sometimes.
It said
... "that you are blessed. You may think you have challenges, but you have so many blessings. Sometimes it takes only a moment of conscious effort to recognize those blessings. Once you focus on the gifts instead of the problems, your whole perspective will change and you will see blessings everywhere".
Some of this blog is my written reply to a facebook friend who had not heard from me and had expressed her concern for me.
.(me to her)....."I have been struggling with depression, worry and pain from my arthritis for the last several days.My way of dealing with it is to put on the shiny happy katie face and push through. I know that it is not the best way to handle it. I also know that there is a price to pay for doing it this way. I have been overwhelmed and feel somewhat as if the walls are going to fall down around me, yet I keep tell myself it will all be okay. I am being tested to my absolute limits. I am at least in a place right now that some of the sunshine is peeking through the very dark clouds that have been hanging around"........
I am always amazed out how those of us who have challenges are so willing to reach a hand out to help others. People that we have never meet face to face, yet share our most personal struggles with. It is a comfort to know that others are out there to support, share and understand our challenges. To know that judgement is not being passed, that there is a mutual understanding and compassion, someone else in this world who gets it.
So I guess that I am going to look past my challenges and look for my blessings. After all I know they are there I have just been distracted by my own challenges.
The ones I see......
I am blessed to have people who care about me, including those who are on the internet. I am blessed that people whom I have not met face to face express they care about me. What a wonderful gift to give to someone. It renews my faith and hope that people are good and kind at heart and that even in today's world of technology, caring, compassion and hope still come through. Yes I think I can start seeing the blessings. It is right. I just needed to make an effort to see them. Thank You My Friends.......
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Day 3, not as bad just gray
Okay I'm onto day 3 and I'm still fighting. I feel more like everything is in the same shade of gray. No real light spots and no really dark spots. I guess this is good but I have always hated the gray area of depression. It feels a bit oppressive, no laughter but, no crying, almost a lack of emotion. I was reading another blog yesterday and this person was speaking about just needing to have fun and that really hit home for me. I realized that over the last several months I have had no fun. My life has been focused on what I do as an Advocate and worrying about the things going on at home, my hubby being out of work, his depression, getting bills paid, my moms health, my brothers health and in all of this going on I can not remember the last time I really laughed. I miss laughing, I miss having fun and I miss the lightness it brings into my life. I'm not talking about roller coaster fun, just the small things that make you smile, the stupid things you see on TV that make you laugh. So if any of you know of good jokes, even blonde jokes, as I am a blonde and take no offence to them, please send them my way I need a good laugh. I will keep on trying and I am making a list of things I can do to bring laughter and joy into my life, but it has to be on a budget....
Monday, October 18, 2010
Depressed..Day 2
Okay, I am now moving into day two. I feel a bit more hopeful that today will be better than yesterday. I think that the major part of the struggle has passed. It took a lot to focus on keeping my thinking in the rational part of my mind and not to give into the emotional part. I did have a very long over due talk with the hubby, because I did need to get that out of the way so that my focus was on me.
I came to the understanding that I had been carrying to much on my shoulders emotionally. If I am honest with myself I need to realize that it is much easier for me to work on someones problems other than my own. When I do that my co-dependant behaviors come out to play. I think we all know that there is no such thing as a healthy co-dependant relationship and that is what my marriage was turning into. I also understand that this fact had a great deal to do with my own challenges.
There are still struggles ahead I am sure, as I learn to stand my ground and commit to putting myself first and not feeling guilty about it.Yesterday was challenging to say the least. One reason is that I was tired and did not feel that I really had the emotional strength to fight. The other is I was angry with myself for putting me and my emotional health into a postion where I knew I would end up paying a price. Which lead me to feeling guilty and bad about myself. I was my own worst enemy yesterday. I also was my best cheerleader as I kept telling myself to take a honest look at where my emotions were coming from and how they were triggering my depression.
Being honest with myself and not allowing myself to get stuck in the depression is hard and it always leaves me feeling drained. Today I must commit to myself to take care of me and allow myself the grace to understand that because of my illness I will have bad days, it is apart of my life. I don't have to beat myself up and it is okay to just allow myself sometime to figure it out. I am allowed to feel like I don't want to fight with the depression as long as I don't give up hope that it will get better.
Yes I do feel a bit physically and emotionally beat up this morning but, I think that I have gotten through the worst of it.
I am thankful to everyone for your words of encouragement and support yesterday. You have reminded me why I fight and why not to give up on hope. Today will be all about self care, no phones, no stress, just a nice cup of tea, a hot bubble bath and peace and quiet.
I came to the understanding that I had been carrying to much on my shoulders emotionally. If I am honest with myself I need to realize that it is much easier for me to work on someones problems other than my own. When I do that my co-dependant behaviors come out to play. I think we all know that there is no such thing as a healthy co-dependant relationship and that is what my marriage was turning into. I also understand that this fact had a great deal to do with my own challenges.
There are still struggles ahead I am sure, as I learn to stand my ground and commit to putting myself first and not feeling guilty about it.Yesterday was challenging to say the least. One reason is that I was tired and did not feel that I really had the emotional strength to fight. The other is I was angry with myself for putting me and my emotional health into a postion where I knew I would end up paying a price. Which lead me to feeling guilty and bad about myself. I was my own worst enemy yesterday. I also was my best cheerleader as I kept telling myself to take a honest look at where my emotions were coming from and how they were triggering my depression.
Being honest with myself and not allowing myself to get stuck in the depression is hard and it always leaves me feeling drained. Today I must commit to myself to take care of me and allow myself the grace to understand that because of my illness I will have bad days, it is apart of my life. I don't have to beat myself up and it is okay to just allow myself sometime to figure it out. I am allowed to feel like I don't want to fight with the depression as long as I don't give up hope that it will get better.
Yes I do feel a bit physically and emotionally beat up this morning but, I think that I have gotten through the worst of it.
I am thankful to everyone for your words of encouragement and support yesterday. You have reminded me why I fight and why not to give up on hope. Today will be all about self care, no phones, no stress, just a nice cup of tea, a hot bubble bath and peace and quiet.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Depressed
I am indeed depressed this morning, it started yesterday afternoon. I did what I could to take care of myself but I waited to long. I have been busy taking care of my husband and his depression, worrying about the bills and a whole list of other things. I have not had anytime just for me and I knew that this was the price I would pay. Part of me is angry at myself because I truly do know better. Part of me wants to be supported by someone else but, I know that it is my responsibility to take care of me, and that it is not up to someone else to help me move through my depression.
To be honest though I feel a bit of anger because where is my support, my mom is wonderful, but I really need my husband to be supportive right now as well. I know that this sounds a bit like I feel that he owes me because of all the support I give him and maybe there is some truth to that. It does sound childish, well I'm feeling a bit childish at the moment. I want things to change and I want them to change now.
So what I need to do is figure out how I'm going to take care of me?
I don't really know yet, I'm still in the part that says "nothing is going to make me feel better". I don't want to leave the house. I don't want talk to anyone, because I know I am being a bitch and difficult. I really hate feeling like this because it is truly a challenge for me. A battle within myself, the emotional part that is depressed and the rational part that is telling me I have the power to help myself. I'm determined not to lose the fight but, at this point I just don't know which is going to win out. Both sides are putting up quiet a fight. I'll let you know who comes out on top and who gets the black eye. I just hope that it's a short fight and not one of those that goes for 20 rounds.
To be honest though I feel a bit of anger because where is my support, my mom is wonderful, but I really need my husband to be supportive right now as well. I know that this sounds a bit like I feel that he owes me because of all the support I give him and maybe there is some truth to that. It does sound childish, well I'm feeling a bit childish at the moment. I want things to change and I want them to change now.
So what I need to do is figure out how I'm going to take care of me?
I don't really know yet, I'm still in the part that says "nothing is going to make me feel better". I don't want to leave the house. I don't want talk to anyone, because I know I am being a bitch and difficult. I really hate feeling like this because it is truly a challenge for me. A battle within myself, the emotional part that is depressed and the rational part that is telling me I have the power to help myself. I'm determined not to lose the fight but, at this point I just don't know which is going to win out. Both sides are putting up quiet a fight. I'll let you know who comes out on top and who gets the black eye. I just hope that it's a short fight and not one of those that goes for 20 rounds.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Stigma......
Yes, I am glad to be home from Atlanta. I did have a good time there and the weather was beautiful. So let's talk about this conference..hmm.
People in Atlanta are nice enough. People at the conference for the most part where nice. When I would introduce myself, or someone else would introduce me, people would be polite and talk with me, it seemed though once they understood why I was there they became a bit uncomfortable. I do not believe that I came across as over bearing or off putting, I was on good behavior. I just think that it was the mind set of others. I have no degree, I'm not a researcher, I'm not a doctor or a health care provider. Well what I am, and do have, is lived experience that they do not. This is not to say that I did not have a couple of great conversations with some people, it is just a reminder that the stigma is still there. Even with people in the behavioral health care field. I had hoped that the stigma would have been less. This re-enforces how lucky I am that the people I work with, and the people that support my work, see the importance in what I have to share.
It is a bit of a reality check for me. To encounter stigma and to be reminded that some people do not see lived experience as valuable, is challenging.
So here is the challenge, I don't see myself as all that different than anyone else. I know that this is in part because all of the wonderful support I have had in my life over the last year. Truth is I have been living with these challenges since I was very young. I knew I was different, maybe I just never knew how different I was. I have never known my life without challenges so I have nothing else to compare it with. It does make me sad and yes, angry, that someone should judge me before they know me. Why would I not have something meaningful to contribute to life just because I have an SMI. It does not define who I am!!!!
I get that what my life looks like to me is much different than what others see it as. I know I have really bad days and that I need medication. So do a lot of people for many different reasons and they should not be judged either. As you can tell the whole stigma issues is a point of contention for me. I want to help reduce stigma, but I am human and yes, I get hurt and angry when someone wants to treat me different just because my life has challenges they don't understand. This doesn't mean that I'll not keep trying to move peoples minds forward in their thinking. I just needed to vent.
People in Atlanta are nice enough. People at the conference for the most part where nice. When I would introduce myself, or someone else would introduce me, people would be polite and talk with me, it seemed though once they understood why I was there they became a bit uncomfortable. I do not believe that I came across as over bearing or off putting, I was on good behavior. I just think that it was the mind set of others. I have no degree, I'm not a researcher, I'm not a doctor or a health care provider. Well what I am, and do have, is lived experience that they do not. This is not to say that I did not have a couple of great conversations with some people, it is just a reminder that the stigma is still there. Even with people in the behavioral health care field. I had hoped that the stigma would have been less. This re-enforces how lucky I am that the people I work with, and the people that support my work, see the importance in what I have to share.
It is a bit of a reality check for me. To encounter stigma and to be reminded that some people do not see lived experience as valuable, is challenging.
So here is the challenge, I don't see myself as all that different than anyone else. I know that this is in part because all of the wonderful support I have had in my life over the last year. Truth is I have been living with these challenges since I was very young. I knew I was different, maybe I just never knew how different I was. I have never known my life without challenges so I have nothing else to compare it with. It does make me sad and yes, angry, that someone should judge me before they know me. Why would I not have something meaningful to contribute to life just because I have an SMI. It does not define who I am!!!!
I get that what my life looks like to me is much different than what others see it as. I know I have really bad days and that I need medication. So do a lot of people for many different reasons and they should not be judged either. As you can tell the whole stigma issues is a point of contention for me. I want to help reduce stigma, but I am human and yes, I get hurt and angry when someone wants to treat me different just because my life has challenges they don't understand. This doesn't mean that I'll not keep trying to move peoples minds forward in their thinking. I just needed to vent.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Back Home
Just a short Hello. I am back home from Atlanta and the jet lag is catching up with me. I promise that I will write a blog soon. I have a lot going on and it is keeping me busy, that's a good thing and a bad thing. I tend to fall back into not taking care of myself very well when I get busy and feel unprepared for up coming presentations. I know .......just breath and trust.... it will all be okay.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Stress Overload
Yes that has indeed how I have been feeling. Stressed, overwhelmed and just all around in the dumps. It has been a very long struggle with the hubby being out of work and having to try to deal with his depression and deal with my own stuff. I know that my focus needs to be on me right now, but it is so much easier to do that when you are not living in an environment where depression has taken over the house. I end up bracing myself before I come home because I know that the minute I walk in I'll feel like I need to be more supportive to my hubby. I do understand that I'm not doing myself, or him, any favors by trying to be the only one responsible for keeping balance in my home. I know that I'm a fixer and a bit of a control freak, yes I am sure that this is part of the reason that I take on things that are not my responsibility. I'm just so tired of not having my home peaceful and calm. I don't live well in a 24/7 stress environment. Every time that my hubby and I have a talk it seems to end up all twisted around and then I don't even remember what the original conversation was about. This is effecting what I do outside of the home now as well.I find that it is harder to stay focused and that I am much more forgetful and so there for I end up double and triple checking things and that takes up a lot of energy and time, oh and it stresses me out.
I know that I sound like I am just complaining and to a point I am. I also have new stresses now.......
My hubby did finally decide to take a job that was offered to him a while back but, originally he said no. Now that the bank account is nearly empty and I have juggled bills and payments every which way I can he said he thought it would be a good idea to take the job......ok so I'll resist making any sarcastic remarks here. There is a catch, he'll be gone for three weeks at a time for the next 7 months, but he'll make more money in those 7 months than he did all of last year. This job could also take him to California after the 7 months and he would be there for 6 months. To be honest there is apart of me that says that this will ease a lot of the stress our household is dealing with right now. He will be busy working 6-7 days a week and will be to tired to do much of anything and he is hopeful that after the first few weeks he get used to the routine. I will have to adjust to him not being home at all, although the first couple weeks might be a nice break for us. We have promised each other that we would work out ways to see each other. Most likely it will be me driving to where ever he is at and spending two or three days and maybe even on occasion bring the dogs with me. Yes this is going to change things around here for sure.
I am also learning that I need to listen to what my heart and head are saying to me in regards to my work. I understand logically that I can not please everyone and that just because I have been offered an opportunity does not mean I have to feel obligated to say yes every time. I can and should pick what speaks to me most and still allows me to take good care of myself. If I don't then I just continue to feed into old behaviors of trying to please others first and always putting myself second. This has always been a challenge for me so I am trying to think more logically/ rationally about this. The challenge for me is that I love what I do so much that I want to take every opportunity and experience it all. I just have to learn more of where my balance in life is and it seems that lately it has been moving some what like a titter totter with two children on it going up and down.
Ok, so for today I will just breath and try my best to trust the everything will and does work out if I just give it time. By the way did I mention I'm going to Atlanta, GA. to a national conference where I'll be on a speakers panel and that this is going to be my first, but not last, time.................................
just breath and trust.
I know that I sound like I am just complaining and to a point I am. I also have new stresses now.......
My hubby did finally decide to take a job that was offered to him a while back but, originally he said no. Now that the bank account is nearly empty and I have juggled bills and payments every which way I can he said he thought it would be a good idea to take the job......ok so I'll resist making any sarcastic remarks here. There is a catch, he'll be gone for three weeks at a time for the next 7 months, but he'll make more money in those 7 months than he did all of last year. This job could also take him to California after the 7 months and he would be there for 6 months. To be honest there is apart of me that says that this will ease a lot of the stress our household is dealing with right now. He will be busy working 6-7 days a week and will be to tired to do much of anything and he is hopeful that after the first few weeks he get used to the routine. I will have to adjust to him not being home at all, although the first couple weeks might be a nice break for us. We have promised each other that we would work out ways to see each other. Most likely it will be me driving to where ever he is at and spending two or three days and maybe even on occasion bring the dogs with me. Yes this is going to change things around here for sure.
I am also learning that I need to listen to what my heart and head are saying to me in regards to my work. I understand logically that I can not please everyone and that just because I have been offered an opportunity does not mean I have to feel obligated to say yes every time. I can and should pick what speaks to me most and still allows me to take good care of myself. If I don't then I just continue to feed into old behaviors of trying to please others first and always putting myself second. This has always been a challenge for me so I am trying to think more logically/ rationally about this. The challenge for me is that I love what I do so much that I want to take every opportunity and experience it all. I just have to learn more of where my balance in life is and it seems that lately it has been moving some what like a titter totter with two children on it going up and down.
Ok, so for today I will just breath and try my best to trust the everything will and does work out if I just give it time. By the way did I mention I'm going to Atlanta, GA. to a national conference where I'll be on a speakers panel and that this is going to be my first, but not last, time.................................
just breath and trust.
Friday, October 8, 2010
"Bullshit that's not true"
I went to see my counselor yesterday and we were taking about how logical / rational thoughts come from the pre-frontal cortex, okay simply put the front part of the brain. I was having a challenge with engaging this part of my brain yesterday, most of the day was spent on being in my emotions. That isn't really bad, but considering that I was making choices about my work, probably not the best part of my brain to do this in.
Of course it was the first thing I brought up to my counselor, that I was having challenges moving out of my deep Limdic system (see post Chicken or the Egg) and wanting to understand how to get back to the rational thinking.
We talked about what some of the negative thoughts that our brains tell us. Well, my brain has been over active in this area this week and it is time for it to stop. Hear is a list that we went over of the negative things that my brain tells me and my pre-frontal cortex is suppose to tell it "Bullshit that's not true".
1. It is necessary to be loved or approved of by the people we hold important, or people we thing are important. Okay this is were I'm supposed to say "Bullshit that's not true". I have a hard time with this one and it goes way back to childhood. My mother says that I've been this way since kindergarden.
2. I must do important things right or I am an inadequate, worthless person. "Bullshit that's not true". This one is also a challenge for me as I am a perfectionist.
3.People must act considerately and fairly towards me. "Bullshit that's not true", ok I might challenge this one, but I know I can't control how others act.
4. It is awful and terrible when things are not the way I want them to be. "Bullshit that's not true". but I like it when things are my way, isn't that the right way?
5. My emotional challenges are created by other people and events."Bullshit that's not true". For me this one is no longer an issue.
6. When something is bad or dangerous I must dwell on the possibility of it coming true. "Bullshit that's not true". I am a bit of a worry wart, so I guess this one is a challenge, but not as bad as it used to be.
7. I must not face life's responsibilities or difficulties, it is easier to avoid them. "Bullshit that's not true". I agree with this one.
8.It is easier to be dependant on others and not run my own life. "Bullshit that's not true". I also agree with this one. Remember I'm a control freak.
9.My past history determines my present behavior."Bullshit that's not true". I have a challenge with this because I have always said that if it had not been for my past challenges I would not be who I am today.
10.Other peoples moods or problems are upsetting and I must feel bad about them."Bullshit that's not true". Easier said than done especially when it comes to family and close friends.
11.There are perfect solutions to every problem. "Bullshit that's not true". This one I have learned is very much the case. I have never found the perfect solution to any problem.
Okay that is the end of the list. How did you guys do? As for me you can tell I have a few things to work on, numbers 1, 2, 3, 4,6,9,10. I'll let you know how it's working out. Remember that when we have an irrational thought to say "Bullshit that's not true" and then maybe look at the reasons that it is not true for you.
Of course it was the first thing I brought up to my counselor, that I was having challenges moving out of my deep Limdic system (see post Chicken or the Egg) and wanting to understand how to get back to the rational thinking.
We talked about what some of the negative thoughts that our brains tell us. Well, my brain has been over active in this area this week and it is time for it to stop. Hear is a list that we went over of the negative things that my brain tells me and my pre-frontal cortex is suppose to tell it "Bullshit that's not true".
1. It is necessary to be loved or approved of by the people we hold important, or people we thing are important. Okay this is were I'm supposed to say "Bullshit that's not true". I have a hard time with this one and it goes way back to childhood. My mother says that I've been this way since kindergarden.
2. I must do important things right or I am an inadequate, worthless person. "Bullshit that's not true". This one is also a challenge for me as I am a perfectionist.
3.People must act considerately and fairly towards me. "Bullshit that's not true", ok I might challenge this one, but I know I can't control how others act.
4. It is awful and terrible when things are not the way I want them to be. "Bullshit that's not true". but I like it when things are my way, isn't that the right way?
5. My emotional challenges are created by other people and events."Bullshit that's not true". For me this one is no longer an issue.
6. When something is bad or dangerous I must dwell on the possibility of it coming true. "Bullshit that's not true". I am a bit of a worry wart, so I guess this one is a challenge, but not as bad as it used to be.
7. I must not face life's responsibilities or difficulties, it is easier to avoid them. "Bullshit that's not true". I agree with this one.
8.It is easier to be dependant on others and not run my own life. "Bullshit that's not true". I also agree with this one. Remember I'm a control freak.
9.My past history determines my present behavior."Bullshit that's not true". I have a challenge with this because I have always said that if it had not been for my past challenges I would not be who I am today.
10.Other peoples moods or problems are upsetting and I must feel bad about them."Bullshit that's not true". Easier said than done especially when it comes to family and close friends.
11.There are perfect solutions to every problem. "Bullshit that's not true". This one I have learned is very much the case. I have never found the perfect solution to any problem.
Okay that is the end of the list. How did you guys do? As for me you can tell I have a few things to work on, numbers 1, 2, 3, 4,6,9,10. I'll let you know how it's working out. Remember that when we have an irrational thought to say "Bullshit that's not true" and then maybe look at the reasons that it is not true for you.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Some More Interesting facts about me
I know that I haven't really shared a lot about what my challenges are other than I have a serious mental illness. I thought that it is about time that I give you all some of the facts.
So here it goes.....
I came from a home that was very abusive in a lot of ways and I won't go in to them here for many reasons, mostly family. If you ask me, I will be more than happy to share just let me know how to contact you. I'll share, but not publicly in this blog. I started having challenges at a young age, maybe around 11yrs. old. I knew that there was something different, but I thought it was from the abuse at home. As I moved into my teens I was often accused of doing drugs, this was not the case. There again I was dealing with something that I did not understand. When I was 17 I told about the abuse that was happening at home and it really tore my family apart for a very long time. I went to counseling and was told once again that my challenges were because of my childhood. Yes, I know that it played a part but, it was not the only reason for what I was experiencing. I had uncontrollable anger, overwhelming sadness and very dark depressions along with a lot of self destructive behaviors. I went through a long series of abusive relationships and other traumas.
Finally at 27, after being out of work for 2yrs. due to a work injure, being on many drugs including pain killers and muscle relaxers, I sought out counseling once again. I found someone who was willing to listen to all of what I was going through. I was told that I had Bi-Polar and PTSD, of course the PTSD was called something else at the time because they had not named it yet. I was relieved to at least have a name for it. I started right away trying to educate myself, which was more of a challenge as the Internet was not as easily accessible as it is now. Over time other challenges were identified, anxiety, panic and yes borderline personality disorder. These for years reeked havoc on my life.
I am still challenged in my daily life by many of these things but, I have been able to move past some of the effects they have had on my life. I try to not act on impulses that would put me in jeopardy. I am in a
non-abusive relationship, although not perfect, lol. I still work hard every day to better understand myself .
Most importantly I have come to accept that my illness is only a small part of who I am. I have learned to love myself, on most days, and to give myself grace on my bad days. I have learned to look at myself as not being different but being special, strong and courageous, because people that have challenges have a better understanding of what it is like to fight for our lives. I do understand that this is my life and I work harder on some days than others to keep balance and joy in my life. I believe in the end that it is worth every struggle. This is my life and I have to make the best of what I have, whether I like it or not. There is no cure, no magic happy pill, only my desire to live life as best I can.
So here it goes.....
I came from a home that was very abusive in a lot of ways and I won't go in to them here for many reasons, mostly family. If you ask me, I will be more than happy to share just let me know how to contact you. I'll share, but not publicly in this blog. I started having challenges at a young age, maybe around 11yrs. old. I knew that there was something different, but I thought it was from the abuse at home. As I moved into my teens I was often accused of doing drugs, this was not the case. There again I was dealing with something that I did not understand. When I was 17 I told about the abuse that was happening at home and it really tore my family apart for a very long time. I went to counseling and was told once again that my challenges were because of my childhood. Yes, I know that it played a part but, it was not the only reason for what I was experiencing. I had uncontrollable anger, overwhelming sadness and very dark depressions along with a lot of self destructive behaviors. I went through a long series of abusive relationships and other traumas.
Finally at 27, after being out of work for 2yrs. due to a work injure, being on many drugs including pain killers and muscle relaxers, I sought out counseling once again. I found someone who was willing to listen to all of what I was going through. I was told that I had Bi-Polar and PTSD, of course the PTSD was called something else at the time because they had not named it yet. I was relieved to at least have a name for it. I started right away trying to educate myself, which was more of a challenge as the Internet was not as easily accessible as it is now. Over time other challenges were identified, anxiety, panic and yes borderline personality disorder. These for years reeked havoc on my life.
I am still challenged in my daily life by many of these things but, I have been able to move past some of the effects they have had on my life. I try to not act on impulses that would put me in jeopardy. I am in a
non-abusive relationship, although not perfect, lol. I still work hard every day to better understand myself .
Most importantly I have come to accept that my illness is only a small part of who I am. I have learned to love myself, on most days, and to give myself grace on my bad days. I have learned to look at myself as not being different but being special, strong and courageous, because people that have challenges have a better understanding of what it is like to fight for our lives. I do understand that this is my life and I work harder on some days than others to keep balance and joy in my life. I believe in the end that it is worth every struggle. This is my life and I have to make the best of what I have, whether I like it or not. There is no cure, no magic happy pill, only my desire to live life as best I can.
Monday, October 4, 2010
A long week and one bad day.................
It was not a good day. I found no humor or light spot in it. I'm sure that there is a life lesson in it somewhere so maybe blogging about it will help me see it.
Well last week had been a long week and yesterday the air conditioner went out. I did pretty good at taking care of everyone else but myself. My hubby is still having challenges being responsible for his own depression. I know that this may sound a little cold hearted, but I really can not keep holding his hand and leading him through his depression. I need him to be able to stand on his own and to be able to figure out what he needs to do for himself. I work hard to understand my challenges and I work hard to try to keep moving forward. I think he should be doing the same or at least trying to understand and to recognize when he is depressed. I allowed his depression to trigger my own, I had given most of my energy to helping him crawl out of his depression and I started to fall into mine.
Yes, I am angry at myself because I do know better than to throw myself into the pit just to get him out of it. It is much easier when it is not a loved one. As a recovery coach I found it easy to help others work through their challenges and to find their own ways to help themselves. I did not feel the need to fix it.
Why can I not do this for my hubby?
So, with some of that being said you can imagine that the communication around our house has been less than ideal. Translation, I have been keeping a lot to myself. I have been feeling vulnerable and sharing my challenges has not been happening except for with a select few. I have no problem doing my public speaking because I know the purpose for it and I see the good it does. I don't leave feeling bad or vulnerable. Part of that is because I know that I can come home and just take care of me and I do fine.
Yes, this is my "ah ha" moment. I have not been able to come home and take care of me. I come home and I feel like I have to take care of everything else. With the hubby still out of work I come home and feel compelled to help him out of his depression. Then I feel compelled to make sure that there is a nice dinner made so that when my mom comes home from work she has a hot meal, because she has been working a lot and my perception of it is, she is worried that if my hubby doesn't get work soon that it will have a negative financial impact on the household, like I said this is just my perception of it, not reality.
So, here I am now with a full month of things to do and I am excited about the new things I'll get to experience. My head just is not in the right space yet, so the part of me that is an overachiever, is worried that all of this stuff going on at home will get in my way and distract my focus. I am frustrated because I have worked hard to get where I am. I need my hubby to be supportive of me right know. I need to have someone just kind of step in and give me a break so that I can catch my breath and get focused.
Silence, it there nothing so sweet as the sound of silence, not to hear the endless squeak of my brain on the hamster wheel. Worrying about things I can not control, worrying about what might or might not happen.Oh silence at times like this is it a precious treasure and yet at other times it is unbearable.
Well last week had been a long week and yesterday the air conditioner went out. I did pretty good at taking care of everyone else but myself. My hubby is still having challenges being responsible for his own depression. I know that this may sound a little cold hearted, but I really can not keep holding his hand and leading him through his depression. I need him to be able to stand on his own and to be able to figure out what he needs to do for himself. I work hard to understand my challenges and I work hard to try to keep moving forward. I think he should be doing the same or at least trying to understand and to recognize when he is depressed. I allowed his depression to trigger my own, I had given most of my energy to helping him crawl out of his depression and I started to fall into mine.
Yes, I am angry at myself because I do know better than to throw myself into the pit just to get him out of it. It is much easier when it is not a loved one. As a recovery coach I found it easy to help others work through their challenges and to find their own ways to help themselves. I did not feel the need to fix it.
Why can I not do this for my hubby?
So, with some of that being said you can imagine that the communication around our house has been less than ideal. Translation, I have been keeping a lot to myself. I have been feeling vulnerable and sharing my challenges has not been happening except for with a select few. I have no problem doing my public speaking because I know the purpose for it and I see the good it does. I don't leave feeling bad or vulnerable. Part of that is because I know that I can come home and just take care of me and I do fine.
Yes, this is my "ah ha" moment. I have not been able to come home and take care of me. I come home and I feel like I have to take care of everything else. With the hubby still out of work I come home and feel compelled to help him out of his depression. Then I feel compelled to make sure that there is a nice dinner made so that when my mom comes home from work she has a hot meal, because she has been working a lot and my perception of it is, she is worried that if my hubby doesn't get work soon that it will have a negative financial impact on the household, like I said this is just my perception of it, not reality.
So, here I am now with a full month of things to do and I am excited about the new things I'll get to experience. My head just is not in the right space yet, so the part of me that is an overachiever, is worried that all of this stuff going on at home will get in my way and distract my focus. I am frustrated because I have worked hard to get where I am. I need my hubby to be supportive of me right know. I need to have someone just kind of step in and give me a break so that I can catch my breath and get focused.
Silence, it there nothing so sweet as the sound of silence, not to hear the endless squeak of my brain on the hamster wheel. Worrying about things I can not control, worrying about what might or might not happen.Oh silence at times like this is it a precious treasure and yet at other times it is unbearable.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Being a pain part II.....................
Okay so I'm still being a pain, but I am trying to work with the whole self image/ body image issue.
A funny thing did happen this week and I just have to share. Yes I am a clothes horse, nice way of saying on the verge of hoarding. I'm one of these people that thinks I just might need it or wear it, even if I haven't worn it in over a year. So a while back I decided to take a huge step forward and clean out my closet.
This was no small task and it took me two days to get ride of things and even at that I probably didn't get rid of as much as I could have, but it was a start. Of course at the time I also weighed a lot less than I do at the present, less meds. less pounds, hhmmmmm. So of course my husband (the skinny one) was a big help and would say things like "honey you don't need those clothes because you've lost all that weight and they don't fit". I did of course try the " but you never know" line and then I thought wait this might be good get rid of the "fat" clothes and then that will help keep me motivated to stay the the size I was. Well That didn't happen. So now what keeps going through my head is all of those clothes that I gave to the second hand store and I'm thinking to my self "See I was right . If I had just kept everything I would have clothes that fit me and I wouldn't be worrying about not having money to buy clothes that fit."
So I go to the nearest thrift store to see if I can find something I like, at least that way I have some "fat" clothes. Well, much to my surprise this thrift store had some nice things. As I wondered through the aisles I was feeling pretty good. I had found a few things that I really liked and thought I that the pieces I had found would work well with what I had at home. So I took my time and looked through the store and found myself coming back to the same pieces of clothing over and over again. There were a couple of things that I really liked. I decided to go ahead and purchase just a couple of things because I was trying to stick to a budget.
I go home all happy with my purchases and pleased because they fit well and looked nice on. I couldn't wait for hubby to come home from his mountain bike ride so I could show him what I had purchased and how nice it fit.
Ok, I'm sure you can guess were this is going..... He comes home and I show him what I bought. He says
"That looks just like the one you got rid of a few months ago." At about just that same time my mother, who lives with us, came home. She said "That looks like the one you got rid of because you said it didn't fit." Yes I am blonde and I was never more blonder than in this moment. Yes I did indeed just buy back my old clothes, so much for saving money. The store has a no return policy, so yes my clothes are hanging in my closet where they were a few months ago, I've just paid for them twice.
The lesson learned, from my point of view,
A: always keep at least a couple of "fat" clothes.
B: Never shop at the same thrift store that you give your clothes to.
A funny thing did happen this week and I just have to share. Yes I am a clothes horse, nice way of saying on the verge of hoarding. I'm one of these people that thinks I just might need it or wear it, even if I haven't worn it in over a year. So a while back I decided to take a huge step forward and clean out my closet.
This was no small task and it took me two days to get ride of things and even at that I probably didn't get rid of as much as I could have, but it was a start. Of course at the time I also weighed a lot less than I do at the present, less meds. less pounds, hhmmmmm. So of course my husband (the skinny one) was a big help and would say things like "honey you don't need those clothes because you've lost all that weight and they don't fit". I did of course try the " but you never know" line and then I thought wait this might be good get rid of the "fat" clothes and then that will help keep me motivated to stay the the size I was. Well That didn't happen. So now what keeps going through my head is all of those clothes that I gave to the second hand store and I'm thinking to my self "See I was right . If I had just kept everything I would have clothes that fit me and I wouldn't be worrying about not having money to buy clothes that fit."
So I go to the nearest thrift store to see if I can find something I like, at least that way I have some "fat" clothes. Well, much to my surprise this thrift store had some nice things. As I wondered through the aisles I was feeling pretty good. I had found a few things that I really liked and thought I that the pieces I had found would work well with what I had at home. So I took my time and looked through the store and found myself coming back to the same pieces of clothing over and over again. There were a couple of things that I really liked. I decided to go ahead and purchase just a couple of things because I was trying to stick to a budget.
I go home all happy with my purchases and pleased because they fit well and looked nice on. I couldn't wait for hubby to come home from his mountain bike ride so I could show him what I had purchased and how nice it fit.
Ok, I'm sure you can guess were this is going..... He comes home and I show him what I bought. He says
"That looks just like the one you got rid of a few months ago." At about just that same time my mother, who lives with us, came home. She said "That looks like the one you got rid of because you said it didn't fit." Yes I am blonde and I was never more blonder than in this moment. Yes I did indeed just buy back my old clothes, so much for saving money. The store has a no return policy, so yes my clothes are hanging in my closet where they were a few months ago, I've just paid for them twice.
The lesson learned, from my point of view,
A: always keep at least a couple of "fat" clothes.
B: Never shop at the same thrift store that you give your clothes to.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Just being a pain in the................
What can I tell you. I am just being a pain in the a$$. I am feeling grumpy and frustrated. My weight keeps going up and up. I know that this is most likely due to the medications I'm on. For those of us who have been on and off pshyc. medications this is not a new thing. I have all to often been put on a med and then told "this might cause some weight gain." What they don't tell you is that you will blow up to look like a puffer fish. I wonder do they get the extra challenges this puts on those of us who have a mental illness. I am already depressed and then you give me something that makes me fat and then you have the nerve to say to me when I come and visit that I need to keep my weight under control. Ok, you've made me self conscious which triggers me being depressed because I am feeling fat, self conscious because I'm fat and crazy, and now I don't want to get out of the house because I look like crap because my clothes don't fit, isolation. My husband, yes who is skinny, says "why don't you just go down to the pool and do some water exercises?" Yeah, right you want me to get past all my anxieties and self image issues and put on a SWIMSUIT..... and go to the public pool, for me this is more traumatizing than being called crazy. I have tried to tell myself that I would rather be fat and sane than skinny and crazy, that is just crap. I am not happy being fat and why can't I be at least at a reasonable weight and on my meds. I know, I know exercise, eat right, blah blah blah. I am trying these things and I know that it might help, but right know when I look in the mirror what I see and who I feel I am are two different people. This is a challenge many of us face and I feel double stigmatized, not only am I seriously mentally ill, but now I'm overweight. People will judge me faster for being overweight than for being crazy. You can't see crazy, you can see fat. I think you all can see that I could go around and around about this challenge. Sorry if I've offended anyone by my choice in words this morning. Well I'm going to go walk the dogs so that they can get some exercise and people can think to themselves, she's fat. I guess I could just get me a T-shirt that says "Medicated, Crazy and Fat... and I can read minds"....that should freak them out....
Friday, September 24, 2010
Looking for ???????
I saw my counselor yesterday and we are looking at what would be beneficial to work on next. We talked about several things and what I decided on was to work on the image I have of my self (unstable self image). I think, ok who am I kidding, I know that this is part of why I push myself so hard at times, and yes I could run through the whole list of things this impacts. I'm not sure that is relevant just yet, maybe in another blog.
Part of doing this is to have a something like a mission statement or a vision statement for my life.....ie. what is my life's mission, what is my life's work,what is my passion, my lifes philosophy........ I had never really thought about this.
I know what my passion is, that is to change the way people see mental illness, to reduce the stigma and guilt people attach to mental illness. Is it really what I'm looking for?? I don't know.
This is to be something that I live by and something I aspire to, something which helps to propell me through life even when things are tough. I know it is there. I just haven't ever really thought about it, much less tried to put it into words.
For me it has always just been a feeling, or a sense, that there was something more for me out there and that I had to have unconditional faith that I would end up where I needed to be. I just needed slow down long enough to hear what the universe was trying to tell me. Which I have not always been good at.
My counselor says that I might be able to find it in my blogs, that it is probably already there. So I guess I'll re-read them and see what jumps out at me.................................
...............Looking for???????????????????????????
I'll let you know when I find it. If you see before me let me know or at least give me a hint.
Part of doing this is to have a something like a mission statement or a vision statement for my life.....ie. what is my life's mission, what is my life's work,what is my passion, my lifes philosophy........ I had never really thought about this.
I know what my passion is, that is to change the way people see mental illness, to reduce the stigma and guilt people attach to mental illness. Is it really what I'm looking for?? I don't know.
This is to be something that I live by and something I aspire to, something which helps to propell me through life even when things are tough. I know it is there. I just haven't ever really thought about it, much less tried to put it into words.
For me it has always just been a feeling, or a sense, that there was something more for me out there and that I had to have unconditional faith that I would end up where I needed to be. I just needed slow down long enough to hear what the universe was trying to tell me. Which I have not always been good at.
My counselor says that I might be able to find it in my blogs, that it is probably already there. So I guess I'll re-read them and see what jumps out at me.................................
...............Looking for???????????????????????????
I'll let you know when I find it. If you see before me let me know or at least give me a hint.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Seriuosly More Indelible
Indelible- not capable of being removed or erased.................
Yes I am in a reflective mood this morning as it is my birthday. The past year has been more than I could have imagined, with all of it's ups and downs.
I have revisited emotional darkness that I had hoped I would never have to feel again.
I have seen support and understanding from unexpected places and people.
I have struggled and concurred.
I have learned so much more about myself and my own strength and courage.
I have found my voice and have learned to use it for the good.
I have gained a better understanding of my siblings and my mothers challenges in regards to our family.
I have built better and stronger relationships.
I have learned that my past is what makes me who I am.
I have had to accept personal responsibility for my past actions that may have hurt others.
I have tried to be a better person than I was last year.
I am trying to be more understanding of my husband.
I have learned that it is not all about me.
I have learned that each day is different, whether I like it or not.
I have learned that every year I live there will be things that leave an indelible mark on my life, good or bad it is what life's lessons are about. These lessons are not always easy and this year some of my lessons where very hard for me. Learning to trust, be vulnerable and trying not to worry about people judging me for who I am and the challenges I face. To understand that I have value and I need no ones approval to feel good about myself. My story is who I am and what make unique.
All of these things and so much more have an indelible impact on my life and I will make the most of the moment. I will remember that even the day to day moments hold something that I can be thankful for, even if at the time I can not see them. Love to all of my friend and family, I am truly thankful for all that I have and all that I have learned this year.
Yes I am in a reflective mood this morning as it is my birthday. The past year has been more than I could have imagined, with all of it's ups and downs.
I have revisited emotional darkness that I had hoped I would never have to feel again.
I have seen support and understanding from unexpected places and people.
I have struggled and concurred.
I have learned so much more about myself and my own strength and courage.
I have found my voice and have learned to use it for the good.
I have gained a better understanding of my siblings and my mothers challenges in regards to our family.
I have built better and stronger relationships.
I have learned that my past is what makes me who I am.
I have had to accept personal responsibility for my past actions that may have hurt others.
I have tried to be a better person than I was last year.
I am trying to be more understanding of my husband.
I have learned that it is not all about me.
I have learned that each day is different, whether I like it or not.
I have learned that every year I live there will be things that leave an indelible mark on my life, good or bad it is what life's lessons are about. These lessons are not always easy and this year some of my lessons where very hard for me. Learning to trust, be vulnerable and trying not to worry about people judging me for who I am and the challenges I face. To understand that I have value and I need no ones approval to feel good about myself. My story is who I am and what make unique.
All of these things and so much more have an indelible impact on my life and I will make the most of the moment. I will remember that even the day to day moments hold something that I can be thankful for, even if at the time I can not see them. Love to all of my friend and family, I am truly thankful for all that I have and all that I have learned this year.
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