From codependant to independant.....

    Well at least it is the start of trying to become comfortable once again with being independent. Hubby got a job and it pays good money but it also means that he is away from home for weeks at a time, heck I'm not even sure when I'll see him next. He left on Monday and yes we talk every night but it is an adjustment.There is a part of me that does see this as a good opportunity to hit the reset button on our relationship.           
   Maybe know we can move it from codependent to independent.
   What I am finding out about myself though just how much of a challenge it is for me to be independent. Learning to make the most of my new found extra time is harder than I thought it would be. Now it truly is up to me as to whether I am happy and get myself out of the house or give in on those days when I am not doing well and hide out in my bedroom. There is no one there to distract me, no one else's problems for me to focus on, other than my own challenges. Nothing that I feel the need to fix. Me time, now why should that scare me so much? Could it be that I have become so much more comfortable with being a codependent person in a codependent relationship. I have thought of myself as more independent, maybe my perception is off. Maybe I am one way in my professional life and the opposite in my personal life, LOL..I am bi-polar so why not.
    I am beginning to understand the impact of living a codependent life style, and that there is a delicate thin line between codependent and independent in a health relationship. As someone who grew up in an household where there was trauma, it took me years to understand my codependent behaviors. My codependency was born out of fear and self preservation as a child. Anything, and I do mean anything, was better than being alone by myself at home, because being at home with no one else around  meant that I could be hurt. As I grew up I did not understand that I deserved better. The need not to be alone was overwhelming. It was a long journey learning how to live by myself and not feel as if I needed to have someone else in my life to make me feel  valued as a person. I would have people in my life and it did not matter if that person was good for, or too, me. Almost like an addiction, being alone was the withdrawal, slow, painful, full of fear of the unknown. Feeling helpless and alone, not seeing value in myself. I did manage to change my codependent behaviors and haven't struggled with them for some time,  but this last year has been different.
   My codependent behaviors came back into my life like an old friend, not necessarily someone you jump for joy to see, but still someone you know and there is a certain comfort level. It slowly crept back into my life. I didn't even really see it until it had already taken up residency. I would be wrong to say that it was because of my hubby's challenges with depression, although I do understand that it does take two to be codependent.
   In all honesty, I somewhere along the line made a choice to put other people first in hopes of getting their approval and love, and my old friend codependent was back in my life. I am know once again exploring my independence and learning how to embrace me time, love myself, and be okay being alone. I know that I am worthy of my love and that should be my first priority. It still is uncomfortable, because my old friend it just lurking around the corner waiting for me to leave the door open so that it can come in uninvited.
  So for today I love me and I will do something just for me. I'll let you know what it is I do in the next blog or two, as I don't have a clue yet.