It was not a good day. I found no humor or light spot in it. I'm sure that there is a life lesson in it somewhere so maybe blogging about it will help me see it.
Well last week had been a long week and yesterday the air conditioner went out. I did pretty good at taking care of everyone else but myself. My hubby is still having challenges being responsible for his own depression. I know that this may sound a little cold hearted, but I really can not keep holding his hand and leading him through his depression. I need him to be able to stand on his own and to be able to figure out what he needs to do for himself. I work hard to understand my challenges and I work hard to try to keep moving forward. I think he should be doing the same or at least trying to understand and to recognize when he is depressed. I allowed his depression to trigger my own, I had given most of my energy to helping him crawl out of his depression and I started to fall into mine.
Yes, I am angry at myself because I do know better than to throw myself into the pit just to get him out of it. It is much easier when it is not a loved one. As a recovery coach I found it easy to help others work through their challenges and to find their own ways to help themselves. I did not feel the need to fix it.
Why can I not do this for my hubby?
So, with some of that being said you can imagine that the communication around our house has been less than ideal. Translation, I have been keeping a lot to myself. I have been feeling vulnerable and sharing my challenges has not been happening except for with a select few. I have no problem doing my public speaking because I know the purpose for it and I see the good it does. I don't leave feeling bad or vulnerable. Part of that is because I know that I can come home and just take care of me and I do fine.
Yes, this is my "ah ha" moment. I have not been able to come home and take care of me. I come home and I feel like I have to take care of everything else. With the hubby still out of work I come home and feel compelled to help him out of his depression. Then I feel compelled to make sure that there is a nice dinner made so that when my mom comes home from work she has a hot meal, because she has been working a lot and my perception of it is, she is worried that if my hubby doesn't get work soon that it will have a negative financial impact on the household, like I said this is just my perception of it, not reality.
So, here I am now with a full month of things to do and I am excited about the new things I'll get to experience. My head just is not in the right space yet, so the part of me that is an overachiever, is worried that all of this stuff going on at home will get in my way and distract my focus. I am frustrated because I have worked hard to get where I am. I need my hubby to be supportive of me right know. I need to have someone just kind of step in and give me a break so that I can catch my breath and get focused.
Silence, it there nothing so sweet as the sound of silence, not to hear the endless squeak of my brain on the hamster wheel. Worrying about things I can not control, worrying about what might or might not happen.Oh silence at times like this is it a precious treasure and yet at other times it is unbearable.
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