From codependant to independant.....

    Well at least it is the start of trying to become comfortable once again with being independent. Hubby got a job and it pays good money but it also means that he is away from home for weeks at a time, heck I'm not even sure when I'll see him next. He left on Monday and yes we talk every night but it is an adjustment.There is a part of me that does see this as a good opportunity to hit the reset button on our relationship.           
   Maybe know we can move it from codependent to independent.
   What I am finding out about myself though just how much of a challenge it is for me to be independent. Learning to make the most of my new found extra time is harder than I thought it would be. Now it truly is up to me as to whether I am happy and get myself out of the house or give in on those days when I am not doing well and hide out in my bedroom. There is no one there to distract me, no one else's problems for me to focus on, other than my own challenges. Nothing that I feel the need to fix. Me time, now why should that scare me so much? Could it be that I have become so much more comfortable with being a codependent person in a codependent relationship. I have thought of myself as more independent, maybe my perception is off. Maybe I am one way in my professional life and the opposite in my personal life, LOL..I am bi-polar so why not.
    I am beginning to understand the impact of living a codependent life style, and that there is a delicate thin line between codependent and independent in a health relationship. As someone who grew up in an household where there was trauma, it took me years to understand my codependent behaviors. My codependency was born out of fear and self preservation as a child. Anything, and I do mean anything, was better than being alone by myself at home, because being at home with no one else around  meant that I could be hurt. As I grew up I did not understand that I deserved better. The need not to be alone was overwhelming. It was a long journey learning how to live by myself and not feel as if I needed to have someone else in my life to make me feel  valued as a person. I would have people in my life and it did not matter if that person was good for, or too, me. Almost like an addiction, being alone was the withdrawal, slow, painful, full of fear of the unknown. Feeling helpless and alone, not seeing value in myself. I did manage to change my codependent behaviors and haven't struggled with them for some time,  but this last year has been different.
   My codependent behaviors came back into my life like an old friend, not necessarily someone you jump for joy to see, but still someone you know and there is a certain comfort level. It slowly crept back into my life. I didn't even really see it until it had already taken up residency. I would be wrong to say that it was because of my hubby's challenges with depression, although I do understand that it does take two to be codependent.
   In all honesty, I somewhere along the line made a choice to put other people first in hopes of getting their approval and love, and my old friend codependent was back in my life. I am know once again exploring my independence and learning how to embrace me time, love myself, and be okay being alone. I know that I am worthy of my love and that should be my first priority. It still is uncomfortable, because my old friend it just lurking around the corner waiting for me to leave the door open so that it can come in uninvited.
  So for today I love me and I will do something just for me. I'll let you know what it is I do in the next blog or two, as I don't have a clue yet.

....that you are blessed.

This is what came up on my facebook apps.(god wants you to know).
I am surprised at how close to the truth it can be sometimes.

It said
... "that you are blessed. You may think you have challenges, but you have so many blessings. Sometimes it takes only a moment of conscious effort to recognize those blessings. Once you focus on the gifts instead of the problems, your whole perspective will change and you will see blessings everywhere".
      
Some of this blog is my written reply to a facebook friend who had not heard from me and had expressed her concern for me.
.(me to her)....."I have been struggling with depression, worry and pain from my arthritis for the last several days.My way of dealing with it is to put on the shiny happy katie face and push through. I know that it is not the best way to handle it. I also know that there is a price to pay for doing it this way. I have been overwhelmed and feel somewhat as if the walls are going to fall down around me, yet I keep tell myself it will all be okay. I am being tested to my absolute limits. I am at least in a place right now that some of the sunshine is peeking through the very dark clouds that have been hanging around"........ 
     
      I am always amazed out how those of us who have challenges are so willing to reach a hand out to help others. People that we have never meet face to face, yet share our most personal struggles with. It is a comfort to know that others are out there to support, share and understand our challenges. To know that judgement is not being passed, that there is a mutual understanding and compassion, someone else in this world who gets it.
   So I guess that I am going to look past my challenges and look for my blessings. After all I know they are there I have just been distracted by my own challenges.
   The ones I see......
    I am blessed to have people who care about me, including those who are on the internet. I am blessed that  people whom I have not met face to face express they care about me. What a wonderful gift to give to someone. It renews my faith and hope that people are good and kind at heart and that even in today's world of technology, caring, compassion and hope still come through. Yes I think I can start seeing the blessings. It is right. I just needed to make an effort to see them. Thank You My Friends.......

Day 3, not as bad just gray

Okay I'm onto day 3 and I'm still fighting. I feel more like everything is in the same shade of gray. No real light spots and no really dark spots. I guess this is good but I have always hated the gray area of depression. It feels a bit oppressive, no laughter but, no crying, almost a lack of emotion. I was reading another blog yesterday and this person was speaking about just needing to have fun and that really hit home for me. I realized that over the last several months I have had no fun. My life has been focused on what I do as an Advocate and worrying about the things going on at home, my hubby being out of work, his depression, getting bills paid, my moms health, my brothers health and in all of this going on I can not remember the last time I really laughed. I miss laughing, I miss having fun and I miss the lightness it brings into my life. I'm not talking about roller coaster fun, just the small things that make you smile, the stupid things you see on TV that make you laugh. So if any of you know of good jokes, even blonde jokes, as I am a blonde and take no offence to them, please send them my way I need a good laugh. I will keep on trying and I am making a list of things I can do to bring laughter and joy into my life, but it has to be on a budget....

Depressed..Day 2

     Okay, I am now moving into day two. I feel a bit more hopeful that today will be better than yesterday. I think that the major part of the struggle has passed. It took a lot to focus on keeping my thinking in the rational part of my mind and not to give into the emotional part. I did have a very long over due talk with the hubby, because I did need to get that out of the way so that my focus was on me.
     I came to the understanding that I had been carrying to much on my shoulders emotionally. If I am honest with myself I need to realize that it is much easier for me to work on someones problems other than my own. When I do that my co-dependant behaviors come out to play. I think we all know that there is no such thing as a healthy co-dependant relationship and that is what my marriage was turning into. I also understand that this fact had a great deal to do with my own challenges.
   There are still struggles ahead I am sure, as I learn to stand my ground and commit to putting myself first and not feeling guilty about it.Yesterday was challenging to say the least. One reason is that I was tired and did not feel that I really had the emotional strength to fight. The other is I was angry with myself for putting me and my emotional health into a postion where I knew I would end up paying a price. Which lead me to feeling guilty and bad about myself. I was my own worst enemy yesterday. I also was my best cheerleader as I kept telling myself to take a honest look at where my emotions were coming from and how they were triggering my depression.
  Being honest with myself and not allowing myself to get stuck in the depression is hard and it always leaves me feeling drained. Today I must commit to myself to take care of me and allow myself the grace to understand that because of my illness I will have bad days, it is apart of my life. I don't have to beat myself up and it is okay to just allow myself sometime to figure it out. I am allowed to feel like I don't want to fight with the depression as long as I don't give up hope that it will get better.
   Yes I do feel a bit  physically and emotionally beat up this morning but, I think that I have gotten through the worst of it.
   I am thankful to everyone for your words of encouragement and support yesterday. You have reminded me why I fight and why not to give up on hope. Today will be all about self care, no phones, no stress, just a nice cup of tea, a hot bubble bath and peace and quiet.

Depressed

    I am indeed depressed this morning, it started yesterday afternoon. I did what I could to take care of myself but I waited to long. I have been busy taking care of my husband and his depression, worrying about the bills and a whole list of other things. I have not had anytime just for me and I knew that this was the price I would pay. Part of me is angry at myself because I truly do know better. Part of me wants to be supported by someone else but, I know that it is my responsibility to take care of me, and that it is not up to someone else to help me move through my depression.
     To be honest though I feel a bit of anger because where is my support, my mom is wonderful, but I really need my husband to be supportive right now as well. I know that this sounds a bit like I feel that he owes me because of all the support I give him and maybe there is some truth to that. It does sound childish, well I'm feeling a bit childish at the moment. I want things to change and I want them to change now.
     So what I need to do is figure out how I'm going to take care of me?
     I don't really know yet, I'm still in the part that says "nothing is going to make me feel better". I don't want to leave the house. I don't want talk to anyone, because I know I am being a bitch and difficult. I really hate feeling like this because it is truly a challenge for me. A battle within myself, the emotional part that is depressed and the rational part that is telling me I have the power to help myself. I'm determined not to lose the fight but, at this point I just don't know which is going to win out. Both sides are putting up quiet a fight. I'll let you know who comes out on top and who gets the black eye. I just hope that it's a short fight and not one of those that goes for 20 rounds.

Stigma......

      Yes, I am glad to be home from Atlanta. I did have a good time there and the weather was beautiful. So let's talk about this conference..hmm.
      People in Atlanta are nice enough. People at the conference for the most part where nice. When I would introduce myself, or someone else would introduce me, people would be polite and talk with me, it seemed though once they understood why I was there they became a bit uncomfortable. I do not believe that I came across as over bearing or off putting, I was on good behavior. I just think that it was the mind set of others. I have no degree, I'm not a researcher, I'm not a doctor or a health care provider. Well what I am, and do have, is lived experience that they do not. This is not to say that I did not have a couple of great conversations with some people, it is just a reminder that the stigma is still there. Even with people in the behavioral health care field. I had hoped that the stigma would have been less. This re-enforces how lucky I am that the people I work with, and the people that support my work, see the importance in what I have to share.
      It is a bit of a reality check for me. To encounter stigma and to be reminded that some people do not see lived experience as valuable, is challenging.
      So here is the challenge, I don't see myself as all that different than anyone else. I know that this is in part because all of the wonderful support I have had in my life over the last year. Truth is I have been living with these challenges since I was very young. I knew I was different, maybe I just never knew how different I was. I have never known my life without challenges so I have nothing else to compare it with. It does make me sad and yes, angry, that someone should judge me before they know me. Why would I not have something meaningful to contribute to life just because I have an SMI. It does not define who I am!!!!
     I get that what my life looks like to me is much different than what others see it as. I know I have really bad days and that I need medication. So do a lot of people for many different reasons and they should not be judged either. As you can tell the whole stigma issues is a point of contention for me. I want to help reduce stigma, but I am human and yes, I get hurt and angry when someone wants to treat me different just because my life has challenges they don't understand. This doesn't mean that I'll not keep trying to move peoples minds forward in their thinking. I just needed to vent.

Back Home

Just a short Hello. I am back home from Atlanta and the jet lag is catching up with me. I promise that I will write a blog soon. I have a lot going on and it is keeping me busy, that's a good thing and a bad thing. I tend to fall back into not taking care of myself very well when I get busy and feel unprepared for up coming presentations. I know .......just breath and trust.... it will all be okay.

Stress Overload

   Yes that has indeed how I have been feeling. Stressed, overwhelmed and just all around in the dumps. It has been a very long struggle with the hubby being out of work and having to try to deal with his depression and deal with my own stuff. I know that my focus needs to be on me right now, but it is so much easier to do that when you are not living in an environment where depression has taken over the house. I end up bracing myself before I come home because I know that the minute I walk in I'll feel like I need to be more supportive to my hubby. I do understand that I'm not doing myself, or him, any favors by trying to be the only one responsible for keeping balance in my home. I know that I'm a fixer and a bit of a control freak, yes I am sure that this is part of the reason that I take on things that are not my responsibility. I'm just so tired of not having my home peaceful and calm. I don't live well in a 24/7 stress environment. Every time that my hubby and I have a talk it seems to end up all twisted around and then I don't even remember what the original conversation was about. This is effecting what I do outside of the home now as well.I find that it is harder to stay focused and that I am much more forgetful and so there for I end up double and triple checking things and that takes up a lot of energy and time, oh and it stresses me out.
    I know that I sound like I am just complaining and to a point I am. I also have new stresses now.......
    My hubby did finally decide to take a job that was offered to him a while back but, originally he said no. Now that the bank account is nearly empty and I have juggled bills and payments every which way I can he said he thought it would be a good idea to take the job......ok so I'll resist making any sarcastic remarks here. There is a catch, he'll be gone for three weeks at a time for the next 7 months, but he'll make more money in those 7 months than he did all of last year. This job could also take him to California after the 7 months and he would be there for 6 months. To be honest there is apart of me that says that this will ease a lot of the stress our household is dealing with right now. He will be busy working 6-7 days a week and will be to tired to do much of anything and he is hopeful that after the first few weeks he get used to the routine. I will have to adjust to him not being home at all, although the first couple weeks might be a nice break for us. We have promised each other that we would work out ways to see each other. Most likely it will be me driving to where ever he is at and spending two or three days and maybe even on occasion bring the dogs with me. Yes this is going to change things around here for sure.
     I am also learning that I need to listen to what my heart and head are saying to me in regards to my work. I understand logically that I can not please everyone and that just because I have been offered an opportunity does not mean I have to feel obligated to say yes every time. I can and should pick what speaks to me most and still allows me to take good care of myself. If I don't then I just continue to feed into old behaviors of trying to please others first and always putting myself second. This has always been a challenge for me so I am trying to think more logically/ rationally about this. The challenge for me is that I love what I do so much that I want to take every opportunity and experience it all. I just have to learn more of where my balance in life is and it seems that lately it has been moving some what like a titter totter with two children on it going up and down.
     Ok, so for today I will just breath and try my best to trust the everything will and does work out if I just give it time. By the way did I mention I'm going to Atlanta, GA. to a national conference where I'll be on a speakers panel and that this is going to be my first, but not last, time.................................
just breath and trust.

"Bullshit that's not true"

I went to see my counselor yesterday and we were taking about how logical / rational thoughts come from the pre-frontal cortex, okay simply put the front part of the brain. I was having a challenge with engaging this part of my brain yesterday, most of the day was spent on being in my emotions. That isn't really bad, but considering that I was making choices about  my work, probably not the best part of my brain to do this in.
Of course it was the first thing I brought up to my counselor, that I was having challenges moving out of my deep Limdic system (see post Chicken or the Egg) and wanting to understand how to get back to the rational thinking.
We talked about what some of the negative thoughts that our brains tell us. Well, my brain has been over active in this area this week and it is time for it to stop. Hear is a list that we went over of the negative things that my brain tells me and my pre-frontal cortex is suppose to tell it "Bullshit that's not true".

1. It is necessary to be loved or approved of by the people we hold important, or people we thing are important. Okay this is were I'm supposed to say "Bullshit that's not true". I have a hard time with this one and it goes way back to childhood. My mother says that I've been this way since kindergarden.
2. I must do important things right or I am an inadequate, worthless person. "Bullshit that's not true". This one is also a challenge for me as I am a perfectionist.
3.People must act considerately and fairly towards me. "Bullshit that's not true", ok I might challenge this one, but I know I can't control how others act.
4. It is awful and terrible when things are not the way I want them to be. "Bullshit that's not true". but I like it when things are my way, isn't that the right way?
5. My emotional challenges are created by other people and events."Bullshit that's not true". For me this one is no longer an issue.
6. When something is bad or dangerous I must dwell on the possibility of it coming true. "Bullshit that's not true". I am a bit of a worry wart, so I guess this one is a challenge, but not as bad as it used to be.
7. I must not face life's responsibilities or difficulties, it is easier to avoid them. "Bullshit that's not true". I agree with this one.
8.It is easier to be dependant on others and not run my own life. "Bullshit that's not true". I also agree with this one. Remember I'm a control freak.
9.My past history determines my present behavior."Bullshit that's not true". I have a challenge with this because I have always said that if it had not been for my past challenges I would not be who I am today.
10.Other peoples moods or problems are upsetting and I must feel bad about them."Bullshit that's not true". Easier said than done especially when it comes to family and close friends.
11.There are perfect solutions to every problem. "Bullshit that's not true". This one I have learned is very much the case. I have never found the perfect solution to any problem.

Okay that is the end of the list. How did you guys do? As for me you can tell I have a few things to work on, numbers 1, 2, 3, 4,6,9,10. I'll let you know how it's working out. Remember that when we have an irrational thought to say "Bullshit that's not true" and then maybe look at the reasons that it is not true for you.

Some More Interesting facts about me

      I know that I haven't really shared a lot about what my challenges are other than I have a serious mental illness. I thought that it is about time that I give you all some of the facts.
     So here it goes.....
     I came from a home that was very abusive in a lot of ways and I won't go in to them here for many reasons, mostly family. If you ask me, I will be more than happy to share just let me know how to contact you. I'll share, but not publicly in this blog. I started having challenges at a young age, maybe around 11yrs. old. I knew that there was something different, but I thought it was from the abuse at home. As I moved into my teens I was often accused of doing drugs, this was not the case. There again I was dealing with something that I did not understand. When I was 17 I told about the abuse that was happening at home and it really tore my family apart for a very long time. I went to counseling and was told once again that my challenges were because of my childhood. Yes, I know that it played a part but, it was not the only reason for what I was experiencing. I had uncontrollable anger, overwhelming sadness and very dark depressions along with a lot of self destructive behaviors. I went through a long series of abusive relationships and other traumas.
    Finally at 27, after being out of work for 2yrs. due to a work injure, being on many drugs including pain killers and muscle relaxers, I sought out counseling once again. I found someone who was willing to listen to all of what I was going through. I was told that I had Bi-Polar and PTSD, of course the PTSD was called something else at the time because they had not named it yet. I was relieved to at least have a name for it. I started right away trying to educate myself, which was more of a challenge as the Internet was not as easily accessible as it is now. Over time other challenges were identified, anxiety, panic and yes borderline personality disorder. These for years reeked havoc on my life.
    I am still challenged in my  daily life by many of these things but, I have been able to move past some of the effects they have had on my life. I try to not act on impulses that would put me in jeopardy. I am in a
non-abusive relationship, although not perfect, lol. I still work hard every day to better understand myself .
    Most importantly I have come to accept that my illness is only a small part of who I am. I have learned to love myself, on most days, and to give myself grace on my bad days. I have learned to look at myself as not being different but being special, strong and courageous, because people that have challenges have a better understanding of what it is like to fight for our lives. I do understand that this is my life and I work harder on some days than others to keep balance and joy in my life. I believe in the end that it is worth every struggle. This is my life and I have to make the best of what I have, whether I like it or not. There is no cure, no magic happy pill, only my desire to live life as best I can.

A long week and one bad day.................

It was not a good day. I found no humor or light spot in it. I'm sure that there is a life lesson in it somewhere so maybe blogging about it will help me see it.
          Well last week had been a long week and yesterday the air conditioner went out. I did pretty good at taking care of everyone else but myself. My hubby is still having challenges being responsible for his own depression. I know that this may sound a little cold hearted, but I really can not keep holding his hand and leading him through his depression. I need him to be able to stand on his own and to be able to figure out what he needs to do for himself. I work hard to understand my challenges and I work hard to try to keep moving forward. I think he should be doing the same or at least trying to understand and to recognize when he is depressed. I allowed his depression to trigger my own, I had given most of my energy to helping him crawl out of his depression and I started to fall into mine.
         Yes, I am angry at myself  because I do know better than to throw myself into the pit just to get him out of it. It is much easier when it is not a loved one. As a recovery coach I found it easy to help others work through their challenges and to find their own ways to help themselves. I did not feel the need to fix it.
       Why can I not do this for my hubby?
        So, with some of that being said you can imagine that the communication around our house has been less than ideal. Translation, I have been keeping a lot to myself. I have been feeling vulnerable and sharing my challenges has not been happening except for with a select few. I have no problem doing my public speaking because I know the purpose for it and I see the good it does. I don't leave feeling bad or vulnerable. Part of that is because I know that I can come home and just take care of me and I do fine.
        Yes, this is my "ah ha" moment. I have not been able to come home and take care of me. I come home and I feel like I have to take care of everything else. With the hubby still out of work I come home and feel compelled to help him out of his depression. Then I feel compelled to make sure that there is a nice dinner made so that when my mom comes home from work she has a hot meal, because she has been working a lot and my perception of it is, she is worried that if my hubby doesn't get work soon that it will have a negative financial impact on the household, like I said this is just my perception of it, not reality.
        So, here I am now with a full month of things to do and I am excited about the new things I'll get to experience. My head just is not in the right space yet, so the part of me that is an overachiever, is worried that all of this stuff going on at home will get in my way and distract my focus. I am frustrated because I have worked hard to get where I am. I need my hubby to be supportive of me right know. I need to have someone just kind of step in and give me a break so that I can catch my breath and get focused.
       Silence, it there nothing so sweet as the sound of silence, not to hear the endless squeak of my brain on the hamster wheel. Worrying about things I can not control, worrying about what might or might not happen.Oh silence at times like this is it a precious treasure and yet at other times it is unbearable.

Being a pain part II.....................

       Okay so I'm still  being a pain, but I am trying to work with the whole self image/ body image issue.
A funny thing did happen this week and I just have to share. Yes I am a clothes horse, nice way of saying on the verge of hoarding. I'm one of these people that thinks I just might need it or wear it, even if I haven't worn it in over a year. So a while back I decided to take a huge step forward and clean out my closet.
        This was no small task and it took me two days to get ride of things and even at that I probably didn't get rid of as much as I could have, but it was a start. Of course at the time I also weighed a lot less than I do at the present, less meds. less pounds, hhmmmmm. So of course my husband (the skinny one) was a big help and would say things like "honey you don't need those clothes because you've lost all that weight and they don't fit". I did of course try the " but you never know" line and then I thought wait this might be good get rid of the "fat" clothes and then that will help keep me motivated to stay the the size I was. Well That didn't happen. So now what keeps going through my head is all of those clothes that I gave to the second hand store and I'm thinking to my self  "See I was right . If I had just kept everything I would have clothes that fit me and I wouldn't be worrying about not having money to buy clothes that fit."
      So I go to the nearest thrift store to see if I can find something I like, at least that way I have some "fat" clothes. Well, much to my surprise this thrift store had some nice things. As I wondered through the aisles I was  feeling pretty good. I had found a few things that I really liked and thought I that the pieces I had found would work well with what I had at home. So I took my time and looked through the store and found myself coming back to the same pieces of clothing over and over again. There were a couple of things that I really liked. I decided to go ahead and purchase just a couple of things because I was trying to stick to a budget.
   I go home all happy with my purchases and pleased because they fit well and looked nice on. I couldn't wait for hubby to come home from his mountain bike ride so I could show him what I had purchased and how nice it fit.
   Ok, I'm sure you can guess were this is going..... He comes home and I show him what I bought. He says
"That looks just like the one you got rid of a few months ago." At about just that same time my mother, who lives with us, came home. She said "That looks like the one you got rid of because you said it didn't fit." Yes I am blonde and I was never more blonder than in this moment. Yes I did indeed just buy back my old clothes, so much for saving money. The store has a no return policy, so yes my clothes are hanging in my closet where they were a few months ago, I've just paid for them twice.
 The lesson learned, from my point of view,
A: always keep at least a couple of "fat" clothes.
B: Never shop at the same thrift store that you give your clothes to.