#4 from the "Bullshit that's not true" list

 #4  It is awful and terrible when things are not the way I want them to be. "Bullshit that's not true".
(Oct. 8th Post)

   Well I have to say that I am still challenged by this one. I know that I have major control issues and learning to give up control is not only difficult but scary. I understand that for me when things are the way I need them to be I feel less anxious, which means I feel more comfortable. This is why it is a challenge, because I don't like to feel anxious. My Automatic Negative Thoughts (A.N.T.'s) tell me that in order to be happy I must have things the way I want them or something bad could happen, translation- control everything.
   This doesn't leave much room for being carefree, fun loving or willing to just allow things to unfold the way they are meant to. I have spent so much time trying to get things the way I want them that I have forgotten some very important things about living life like, be spontaneous, thinking about how my actions affect others and just loving life for what it is. In fact there have even been times in my life where not being able to make everything the way I wanted that it indeed add to my overwhelming feelings of desperation and suicidal thoughts.
   The reality is that I can not make everything the way I want, there is just to many things that happen that I have no control over. Yes, this does indeed drive me a little crazy, but to be honest I am learning that it is way to much work trying to force things to be the way I want rather than just do my best and roll with it. I have made it this far in my life and I can assure you that most all of the time things were not the way I wanted them to be but,  I made it here in one piece.
   Maybe not having everything the way I want is not so bad. I can be less stressed, more carefree, and maybe relax a little more so that I can enjoy life for what it is instead of focusing on what I could change. My life with all of it's ups and downs has been a tremendous learning experience and if I sit back and enjoy the ride maybe this year I'll learn that it doesn't have to be the way I want it and that some surprises can be a good thing.

No pretty paper or bows, just a gift.....

   Wish that I could say that the holidays are full of warm fuzzy memories and that they did not trigger anxieties, but I would be lying if I did. Today I am feeling very anxious. I know that it could be for any number of reasons....

• Hubby left town to go back to work this morning...
• I'm still having car problems....
• trying to find a dentist that is willing to work out some sort of payment plan so hubby can get his teeth fixed, we have no insurance....

Yep, I get that I have a lot of little things to focus on.
     Yet there is feeling, a heaviness or a tightness, that is in my chest. I am so familiar with it that sometimes I don't even notice it until it is truly a full on anxiety attack. Out of all the challenges I have, anxiety is the one that I am most uncomfortable with. I'm not sure why, maybe it is because it is the one that is still connected to that abused little girl. Maybe it is because I feel less in control of it, as if it has a mind of it's own. I am working with my focusing and breathing in hopes to tame this thing called anxiety.
     I do dislike the fact that sometimes it seems to be a never ending battle. To accept the fact that I will carry with me always, parts of my life that I would much rather put down, it does indeed get cumbersome.
   I wonder what I, or my life, would be like with out the baggage from the past?( I know what ifs are not productive questions to ask) I have never really known, or remember, a time when I was not frightened,scared, anxious, angry or depressed. Maybe as a very young child there were times, I'm sure, but I don't remember what that felt like. 
    What I do understand, for myself, as I am sitting here writing this is....Christmas as a child was to be wondrous, full of surprises and magic. I do remember one of those types of Christmases, it was when I was 4yrs. old. My great grandfather had built by hand the most wonderful kitchen set all in pink and as I came down the stairs it was the most perfect gift, even to this day.
    I also remember a Christmas when I was 17yrs old that would change the way I felt about the holidays for the rest of  my life. All I can say is that it was a nightmare and there was so much pain that it forever changed Christmas. I know the pain from that Christmas I will always carry. Indeed it is the root of my anxiety during the holidays. Thinking about a time when there is to be joy, laughter and love, yet remembering a time when my mother and I were living through the most unbearable pain we could have imagined. Seeing and feeling, so much hurt and trying so hard to put on a good front so that no one else in the family would see what my mother and I were enduring.
   I guess I should try to focus on the fact that we did indeed endure and move  through that very painful period in our lives. I get it now,( I know because I'm crying), I am conflicted about Christmas because my  gift of strength and courage came out of overwhelming  pain and sadness. The gift of the relationship I have with my mom came from that period in time. I guess not all gifts are wrapped pretty with bows on them, but just the same they are still gifts.

And #10 from the list of "Bullshit that's not true".................

     #10 from the "Bullshit it's not true list" is..............Other peoples moods or problems are upsetting and I must feel bad about them."Bullshit that's not true". Easier said than done especially when it comes to family and close friends.
      I am learning that to be a caring person does not mean that I have to jump into another's pain to be empathetic and understanding. Yes, to see my family and friends struggle, whether it be emotionally or with life's challenges, it does pull at me. That is because I want to fix it for them but I know it's not my place to fix it.
     To be honest I'm learning what a balance this truly is for me. I guess that I have enough things going on in my own life that I realize to jump in and worry about someone else's moods or problems means I have to give up some of my energy.  It's hard to say that because, I feel uncomfortable and it sounds a bit cold hearted and maybe even self centered. I don't want to come across like I don't care, but there has to come a point when something happens and you understand that you can only be fully responsible for one person, yourself.  It is one thing to have someone close to you vent their challenges or problem's, but do I really need to do any more than to be there to listen? I can listen and be supportive with out feeling as if it is now my problem to solve.  Why should I feel bad if someone else has made a bad choice and it has caused a problem. If someone else is in a bad mood do I have to allow it to effect me?
    I know that in the end this is self preservation. I know my point of view is changing, because lately I keep being pulled into other peoples "stuff". I have allowed myself to feel bad and worry because of what they where going through. I ended up putting myself second, why?
   It does not make me more worthy, or a better person, to place someone else before me. I love that I can offer support to others, but I need to know when to put me first and to allow other people to figure out how to handle their own challenges.
   I think that a lot of this has to do with having healthy personal boundaries. Understanding that to be supportive of others we must take care of ourselves first and that we can be supportive even if we are encouraging them to find their own solutions and not fixing it for them. If I am having a "good day" why should I let myself get caught up in other peoples "stuff" and allow that "good day" to be taken from me?

Long over due............

I actually started this on Saturday. I was just so tired from the last couple of weeks that I didn't have the energy to focus, or finish it.

       It seems like it has been forever since I was able to sit down and really blog. Something more than the quick reasons why I hadn't been blogging.
     So, I know that I have lots to catch everyone up one which means this most likely will be a long blog....I mean I have several days worth of stuff to blog about and it's not like everyone has to read it at one time, although I will most likely try to write it all at once.(we all know now that this did not happen)
Where to begin..hhmmmmmm.....If my memory is good I'll try to pick up after my last real blog...."At a loss for words.....but moved to tears." . Yes I have gotten my car fixed which has taken some of the stress out of life but as always there is always something else to take it's place.
    I was asked to go to a holiday event and act as a community representative. It was being held for people in the community that receive care for behavioral health challenges. I said yes, because the company that was hosting the event was one that I used to work at.
    I was looking forward to seeing a dear friend that I haven't been able to see much, she's as busy as I am, so we haven't really had the time, but I know that she is always there if I need her. Part of me was looking forward to seeing some of the other people I once thought of as my second family. There were hugs, kisses, laughter and a few tears that I didn't let anyone see. Time to catch up and to see how everyone was doing. It felt good to be there with people I had cared so much about. It felt comfortable, even if it was just for a short time. When I left part of me was sad because I understood that the warm fuzzy feeling I had was about how things use to be like there, not what they are like now. After the warm fuzzy wore off I remember why working there had impacted my life. For a very longtime I could not even talk about it. I have mixed emotions about the place. It is where I was born, so to speak, and took my first steps in recovery on this journey of who I am. I laughed there, cried there, it was my meaning and purpose. I finally found something I was good at. Things became second nature and part of my life that helped me feel as if I could do anything and that anything was possible. I also experienced  overwhelming sadness, pain and abandonment when I left. It was the pain that pushed me to the darkest of places just before my suicide attempt. Yes, I still feel an uneasiness in my chest when I think about what things were like when I left. I also remember when things were good, the laughter in the halls, the way everyone supported each other, how you felt that you did make a difference and that you could dream. This was the place of my birth, where I learned to step out of my comfort zone and was challenged to dream bigger, to believe in hope and change. I must acknowledge the impact it had on my life and I can know look at it knowing it was just part of the bigger picture in my life, necessary, both the joy and pain. I will most likely always feel something when I think of this place, it's kinda of like your first love, you never forget it and as you grow you understand the lessons learned.
    Okay, moving on, I had a chance to observed a suicide intervention training and was very surprised by the attitude of the trainers. I spent two days listening to them talk about how someone with a diagnoses of bi-polar and/or borderline personality were  the ones who called most often threatening suicide but didn't really mean it. You all can imagine how I felt as I am a person who struggles with both of these diagnosis. I did on several occasions remind them what my personal challenges where and why I was there. It did not seem to matter and I was told at one point that I was "high functioning so it didn't really apply to me". Can you see the steam coming out of my ears? Yep, I was pissed off. I've had to give myself time to cool off before I bring it to any ones attention because I want to be able to address the issues not my own personal feeling about the situation. But I can say what my feelings are here.....I felt as if I had been punched in the gut, repeatedly. I could not believe that these people had such an attitude. No wonder it is so hard to reduce stigma. These people only fed into the stigma. I can't even begin to say how this impacted me. I am dumbfounded and appalled. I'm still pissed off and steam is still coming out of my ears. So I am still trying to figure out how to bring this to the attention of the right people so that  some adjustments can be made without it coming across as just my issue. I think about how this impacts others, if you can not bring passion into what you are doing then how can you bring compassion for others into what you are doing. If someone is thinking about suicide they need compassion not attitudes and stigma.
  Okay, on the home front things are going okay. Hubby hurt himself at work and forgot to tell me about it. Yea...how do you forget to tell someone that you took a six foot fall and the only thing that kept you from falling the other ten feet was your safety harness. He did report it to workman's comp. and is seeing a Dr. We found out that he has herniated two disc in his neck, so we'll see how that progresses. I still have yet to make my own appt. with the cardiologist, but I figure if I haven't fallen over yet with everything that is going on then who needs a stress test.......
   Christmas is now just around the corner and hubby will get to come home, just don't know for how long. I have been talking to my daughter and granddaughters on the phone a lot lately. I miss them so much, but I enjoy hearing them tell me all about Christmas and how it's "magic".
  I take a look at all of the things that have happened over the last couple of weeks and try to find a lesson, so here it is......I must be willing to accept that some lessons are painful yet important, that with out passion it is hard to show others how to be compassionate, and that I still believe that one day we won't have to live with stigma, maybe not in my lifetime but maybe in my granddaugther's lifetime.

Busy, busy, busy...

   I have just been so busy that taking the time, or making the time, to blog has been hard. There are some things that I really wanted to write and others that seemed like a go idea at the time, but I'm just not feeling it any more. I would love to just feel as if I could slow down enough to sit and write without looking at the clock.
  Maybe, I  just miss being able to sit and blog is because it has become therapeutic for me when I do get a chance to blog.
  So much rambling around in my head and so little time to blog it. I can only hope that find, or make, the time soon to blog.
  I know, I know....I tried to promise myself last week that I would blog soon.

Promises Promises.....

I promise myself that I will do my best to write a full blog at some point today. It has been a very busy week, hubby is home, and the coming week is also very busy. I haven't had the chance to write about the things that touched me, or moved me this past week, but I promise that I will.
.......cross my heart,......pinky swear,......and all of that.
I know that it will do me some good to get it all out of my head so that I can make room for other stuff.

At a loss for words.....but moved to tears.

I'm not sure that the title really fits because those who know me would say that I am never really at a loss for word but, in some ways I am indeed at a loss for words. 
    I was lucky enough to get to go be part of  the "Out of the Darkness" Community Walk to benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.
    Their Mission:
The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) is the leading national not-for-profit organization exclusively dedicated to understanding and preventing suicide through research, education and advocacy, and to reaching out to people with mental disorders and those impacted by suicide.
  
    I wasn't sure that I would be able to make it to the walk and I was really disappointed, because my heart just kept telling me that I needed to go, and you know how it is when your gut tells you something.
   So, I'll backtrack just a little and hopefully this will make some sense...........
   I have been doing okay, adjusting to not having hubby around and learning to be more self-sufficient. It seems that we make more of an effort to communicate better with each other, maybe that is because we don't want to waste our time fussing about the little things.
   The week of Thanksgiving I started not to feel so well and was a bit concerned, but of course not enough to make an appointment with the Dr. right away. Hubby got to come home just for Thanksgiving day and I had promised him that I would make an appointment with the Dr. which I did.
   This is when things get some what interesting......
   I had a challenge because finding a new Dr. isn't always easy. I mean having to explain that just because I have a serious mental illness doesn't mean that I can't tell the difference between having an anxiety attack and  knowing when there is something else going on.
     So....I go to the Dr.'s appointment only to find that my Dr. has called in sick, great!, the nice lady asked if I would like to make another appointment or see another Dr., well I said see another Dr. and it really wasn't so bad. He did say that I would need to go have a cardio stress test done and gave me a referral to a cardiologist, yes I will make the appointment.
    I was on my way home and I knew that my car had been making odd noises now and then, but much like the Dr.'s appointment I had put off getting it looked at. Bad idea. I rounded the corner on to my street and swung by the mail box to pick up the mail, as I made the turn to head back to the house all of a sudden I lose the power steering and the dash lights up with all sorts of little red lights. Come on I know it's Christmas time, but I really don't want red lights in my car, it always means bad news. I get my car home and had to laugh because I am sure that this is not the kind of stress test my Dr. had in mind. I made several calls just to find someone who would work on my SAAB, seems the most mechanics don't like to work on them. I was lucky and found one close to home. I discovered that a belt in the car engine had come off, so I was hoping that it would be a minor repair. It of course wasn't, but that is a different blog.
    This is were it picks back up from the beginning....
    Because of my car being down I thought that I would not be able to go to the walk, well my mom and I arranged for me to use her car. Great, I could now go and I was really happy. It was a beautiful day and it was good to be outside. One of the persons who was going to share their story of their own suicide attempt couldn't make it. Well, someone who knows me and about my own personal suicide attempt, came and asked if I wouldn't mind stepping in at the last minute to share my story. I said yes because I believe that the more of us who are able to talk openly about suicide the easier it can become for others to share their stories. I was so moved by the response to me for sharing my story. I had people coming up to me, people who had lost a loved one or a friend, thanking me for sharing, thanking me for being there, people with tears streaming down their faces and open arms to hug me.
    Yet, I feel that it is I who should be thanking them. Their courage to speak out, the courage not to be ashamed, the will power to continue to live their lives, in spite of the overwhelming pain and sadness when you lose a loved one to suicide.
    I was moved to tears as I watched families and friends release blue and white balloons, some with messages of love written on them, some with names and dates, some with I miss you, all representing someone, a person, a mother, child, father, relative, friend...all who were loved and are still loved by those people left behind. Words do escape me, as I can not explain the emotion as I watched those balloons float up in to the beautiful blue sky. I am thankful that I am still here, that I did not end my own life, thankful that my family was not releasing a balloon with a message of love written on it for me.
   I am reminded how important it is that we learn to talk openly about our feelings of suicide, to ask for help when we need help, there is nothing to be ashamed of. I am reminded that we are all here for a reason. I am thankful.............

Sooo busy, brief update.............

  Just a short note to check in. I have been very busy and it looks as if I will be until after the first of the year. I guess that is what I get for fussing last month about not having enough to do. I have so many things that I want to blog about, not to mention I just don't have room in my brain for all of the random thoughts. I just haven't found the time. I feel very scattered and focus challenged to say the least.
  So here is a brief update... Thanksgiving-good, quiet, hubby got to come home just for the day. Me- I am adjusting to the changes at home, very busy, a little worried about health challenges but for the most part okay. Hubby- doing a lot better, has adjusted to the changes well, most likely won't get to come home until Christmas, I'll go see him. So there it is the cliff note version.
Gotta run. I know, I need to take time to be thankful for the fact that I am busy, that hubby has work, because there are so many others who have less than we do.