I'm not sure that the title really fits because those who know me would say that I am never really at a loss for word but, in some ways I am indeed at a loss for words.
I was lucky enough to get to go be part of the "Out of the Darkness" Community Walk to benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.
Their Mission:
The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) is the leading national not-for-profit organization exclusively dedicated to understanding and preventing suicide through research, education and advocacy, and to reaching out to people with mental disorders and those impacted by suicide.
I wasn't sure that I would be able to make it to the walk and I was really disappointed, because my heart just kept telling me that I needed to go, and you know how it is when your gut tells you something.
So, I'll backtrack just a little and hopefully this will make some sense...........
I have been doing okay, adjusting to not having hubby around and learning to be more self-sufficient. It seems that we make more of an effort to communicate better with each other, maybe that is because we don't want to waste our time fussing about the little things.
The week of Thanksgiving I started not to feel so well and was a bit concerned, but of course not enough to make an appointment with the Dr. right away. Hubby got to come home just for Thanksgiving day and I had promised him that I would make an appointment with the Dr. which I did.
This is when things get some what interesting......
I had a challenge because finding a new Dr. isn't always easy. I mean having to explain that just because I have a serious mental illness doesn't mean that I can't tell the difference between having an anxiety attack and knowing when there is something else going on.
So....I go to the Dr.'s appointment only to find that my Dr. has called in sick, great!, the nice lady asked if I would like to make another appointment or see another Dr., well I said see another Dr. and it really wasn't so bad. He did say that I would need to go have a cardio stress test done and gave me a referral to a cardiologist, yes I will make the appointment.
I was on my way home and I knew that my car had been making odd noises now and then, but much like the Dr.'s appointment I had put off getting it looked at. Bad idea. I rounded the corner on to my street and swung by the mail box to pick up the mail, as I made the turn to head back to the house all of a sudden I lose the power steering and the dash lights up with all sorts of little red lights. Come on I know it's Christmas time, but I really don't want red lights in my car, it always means bad news. I get my car home and had to laugh because I am sure that this is not the kind of stress test my Dr. had in mind. I made several calls just to find someone who would work on my SAAB, seems the most mechanics don't like to work on them. I was lucky and found one close to home. I discovered that a belt in the car engine had come off, so I was hoping that it would be a minor repair. It of course wasn't, but that is a different blog.
This is were it picks back up from the beginning....
Because of my car being down I thought that I would not be able to go to the walk, well my mom and I arranged for me to use her car. Great, I could now go and I was really happy. It was a beautiful day and it was good to be outside. One of the persons who was going to share their story of their own suicide attempt couldn't make it. Well, someone who knows me and about my own personal suicide attempt, came and asked if I wouldn't mind stepping in at the last minute to share my story. I said yes because I believe that the more of us who are able to talk openly about suicide the easier it can become for others to share their stories. I was so moved by the response to me for sharing my story. I had people coming up to me, people who had lost a loved one or a friend, thanking me for sharing, thanking me for being there, people with tears streaming down their faces and open arms to hug me.
Yet, I feel that it is I who should be thanking them. Their courage to speak out, the courage not to be ashamed, the will power to continue to live their lives, in spite of the overwhelming pain and sadness when you lose a loved one to suicide.
I was moved to tears as I watched families and friends release blue and white balloons, some with messages of love written on them, some with names and dates, some with I miss you, all representing someone, a person, a mother, child, father, relative, friend...all who were loved and are still loved by those people left behind. Words do escape me, as I can not explain the emotion as I watched those balloons float up in to the beautiful blue sky. I am thankful that I am still here, that I did not end my own life, thankful that my family was not releasing a balloon with a message of love written on it for me.
I am reminded how important it is that we learn to talk openly about our feelings of suicide, to ask for help when we need help, there is nothing to be ashamed of. I am reminded that we are all here for a reason. I am thankful.............
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