Long over due............

I actually started this on Saturday. I was just so tired from the last couple of weeks that I didn't have the energy to focus, or finish it.

       It seems like it has been forever since I was able to sit down and really blog. Something more than the quick reasons why I hadn't been blogging.
     So, I know that I have lots to catch everyone up one which means this most likely will be a long blog....I mean I have several days worth of stuff to blog about and it's not like everyone has to read it at one time, although I will most likely try to write it all at once.(we all know now that this did not happen)
Where to begin..hhmmmmmm.....If my memory is good I'll try to pick up after my last real blog...."At a loss for words.....but moved to tears." . Yes I have gotten my car fixed which has taken some of the stress out of life but as always there is always something else to take it's place.
    I was asked to go to a holiday event and act as a community representative. It was being held for people in the community that receive care for behavioral health challenges. I said yes, because the company that was hosting the event was one that I used to work at.
    I was looking forward to seeing a dear friend that I haven't been able to see much, she's as busy as I am, so we haven't really had the time, but I know that she is always there if I need her. Part of me was looking forward to seeing some of the other people I once thought of as my second family. There were hugs, kisses, laughter and a few tears that I didn't let anyone see. Time to catch up and to see how everyone was doing. It felt good to be there with people I had cared so much about. It felt comfortable, even if it was just for a short time. When I left part of me was sad because I understood that the warm fuzzy feeling I had was about how things use to be like there, not what they are like now. After the warm fuzzy wore off I remember why working there had impacted my life. For a very longtime I could not even talk about it. I have mixed emotions about the place. It is where I was born, so to speak, and took my first steps in recovery on this journey of who I am. I laughed there, cried there, it was my meaning and purpose. I finally found something I was good at. Things became second nature and part of my life that helped me feel as if I could do anything and that anything was possible. I also experienced  overwhelming sadness, pain and abandonment when I left. It was the pain that pushed me to the darkest of places just before my suicide attempt. Yes, I still feel an uneasiness in my chest when I think about what things were like when I left. I also remember when things were good, the laughter in the halls, the way everyone supported each other, how you felt that you did make a difference and that you could dream. This was the place of my birth, where I learned to step out of my comfort zone and was challenged to dream bigger, to believe in hope and change. I must acknowledge the impact it had on my life and I can know look at it knowing it was just part of the bigger picture in my life, necessary, both the joy and pain. I will most likely always feel something when I think of this place, it's kinda of like your first love, you never forget it and as you grow you understand the lessons learned.
    Okay, moving on, I had a chance to observed a suicide intervention training and was very surprised by the attitude of the trainers. I spent two days listening to them talk about how someone with a diagnoses of bi-polar and/or borderline personality were  the ones who called most often threatening suicide but didn't really mean it. You all can imagine how I felt as I am a person who struggles with both of these diagnosis. I did on several occasions remind them what my personal challenges where and why I was there. It did not seem to matter and I was told at one point that I was "high functioning so it didn't really apply to me". Can you see the steam coming out of my ears? Yep, I was pissed off. I've had to give myself time to cool off before I bring it to any ones attention because I want to be able to address the issues not my own personal feeling about the situation. But I can say what my feelings are here.....I felt as if I had been punched in the gut, repeatedly. I could not believe that these people had such an attitude. No wonder it is so hard to reduce stigma. These people only fed into the stigma. I can't even begin to say how this impacted me. I am dumbfounded and appalled. I'm still pissed off and steam is still coming out of my ears. So I am still trying to figure out how to bring this to the attention of the right people so that  some adjustments can be made without it coming across as just my issue. I think about how this impacts others, if you can not bring passion into what you are doing then how can you bring compassion for others into what you are doing. If someone is thinking about suicide they need compassion not attitudes and stigma.
  Okay, on the home front things are going okay. Hubby hurt himself at work and forgot to tell me about it. Yea...how do you forget to tell someone that you took a six foot fall and the only thing that kept you from falling the other ten feet was your safety harness. He did report it to workman's comp. and is seeing a Dr. We found out that he has herniated two disc in his neck, so we'll see how that progresses. I still have yet to make my own appt. with the cardiologist, but I figure if I haven't fallen over yet with everything that is going on then who needs a stress test.......
   Christmas is now just around the corner and hubby will get to come home, just don't know for how long. I have been talking to my daughter and granddaughters on the phone a lot lately. I miss them so much, but I enjoy hearing them tell me all about Christmas and how it's "magic".
  I take a look at all of the things that have happened over the last couple of weeks and try to find a lesson, so here it is......I must be willing to accept that some lessons are painful yet important, that with out passion it is hard to show others how to be compassionate, and that I still believe that one day we won't have to live with stigma, maybe not in my lifetime but maybe in my granddaugther's lifetime.