Still on the roller coaster..............

   I thought this was interesting....once in a while I have a link/app. on facebook that says "Today God wants you to know" and this is what mine said for today..."that when you are unsure how to proceed, stop. Be still and enter into the silence. Allow your mind to cease its restless thinking. Wait. Let the answer come in its time".
   I found this to be right in line with my mental health challenges at the moment. I have been back and forth to see my doc. 2x's in 2 days. I'm on that part of the roller coaster that has a lot of dips and turns in it. At this point it's no longer fun, just frustrating and I am more than ready for some calm easy going coasting. I have been rapid cycling and it is exhausting and I'm worn out. I have some great creative ideas and I understand that when I am more manic I become very creative. I use to embrace it and got a lot done, but this time I move so quickly from creative to crying that nothing gets done and self care is a difficult because of a lack of focus.
   Doc. and I are working hard to find a way to get ahead of this by increasing one of my meds. I 'm glad that we are trying that as opposed to adding another med., on the downside it makes me very groggy and I hate that feeling. Doc. even grounded me and told hubby that I'm not to drive for the next several days. I understand his reasons and even agree but that doesn't mean I have to be happy about it.
   I did take a step in self care today though and put an out of office reply on all incoming e-mails, even though I have a home office, and I turned off the work cell. Yea for me, it's a start. I find that the hardest part is my lack of patients with myself and the lashing out towards family because of my rapid mood swings. I spend a lot of time saying "sorry". I know that it's not right to lash out but it seems to flash over me like a solar flare and then it's gone. I am so lucky that they love and understand me.
  One last note and then I'm going to try to go to sleep. I have invited my daughter to join my blog as a guest writer. I thought it might be interesting for us to be able to share different points of view. She is grown and our relationship is very solid. I'm sure that there is nothing she couldn't say or share that would impact our relationship except to make it stronger as we have already lived through most of it. I look forward to her joining me on this journey and I hope that it will help others to understand.

Have I mentioned...??????

  Have I mentioned how much I hate going through this....I HATE IT........already on the down side and it seems that all I can do is cry and get angry and lash out at the people closest to me. Totally not fair to them. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.....I'm trying really hard not to run and find something else to distract me because I now that there really is no distraction. I know that I have skills in there somewhere that would help me cope but I can't seem to find them at this point. It is another one of those where I just want to hide in the dark for awhile. Have I said that I HATE THIS!!!!! I feel like a human Yo-Yo and I just want it to stop. I can only hope that I get into see my Doc. within the next two days and hopefully get ahead of the worst of this, until then You guys will just have to put up with my random and sometime moody, angry blogs.

Still here.....

   Yep still here in the on my own personal roller coaster, with all of the ups and downs. The ups are as equal to the downs at this point, and that ride is not so fun. I am finding it hard to slow down and make myself take care of me. It's like this unspoken need to stay busy, as if that will keep the depression away, yeah right....I can see how in someway maybe unconsciously I am trying to avoid my depression. I know that it can't be avoided but I'm trying to understand this overwhelming need to stay busy, instead of doing what I need to do. Which is MAKE time to take care of me. Why is this so hard, why, why, why?
   The logical part of me knows that I will pay a price for not taking care of myself,  yet I'm having a hard time putting myself first. I seem to be putting my mental health on the back burner. My head gets full of random thoughts and  comes up with a bunch of  really good ideas, all of which would distract me but would not be healthy for me to take on right now. I can think of all sorts of new projects that I would love to get started.
 So as you can tell I'm on that part of the roller coaster where I'm nearing the top which means the downside is next to come. Yep I think that's the part I'm trying to avoid, because I really don't mind the high I do hate the depression.
Accept, Release, Relax, Breath...................weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

cycling...around and around I go

     Cycling, and no I do not mean the two wheeled kind. I am tired, this pace in which I seem to be cycling, moving from one mood to another, is wearing me down. By the late hour in which I am up writing I am obviously feeling a bit manic and having trouble sleeping. I seem to have been either at one extreme or the other, while trying to use the skills and focusing that I have learned in therapy has not been as successful as I would like. My focus and memory are off and I feel as if I am either running full tilt or at a dead stop.
    Earlier this week all I wanted to do was to be in a dark. I found myself trying to seek comfort and I often find the dark makes me feel less vulnerable. Others can't see how much pain I'm in emotionally if I hide in the dark. I took a hot bath thinking this would help, but what happened was that I found myself turning out the lights and curled up in the hot water crying. It was a very intense emotional release accompanied by intense depression. Of course the next day I was more headed to the manic side of things, which is not all bad as I seem to make up for the down time. I just have to be very aware of when I am approaching burn out.
about the emotional release in the dark ..... I have been able to understand where this came from but I am not yet ready to share it  as I still need to move through it and come to terms with the abuse that it is connected to. I found it interesting that in my darkest moments of depression I would seek comfort in the dark. Maybe this is years of living and feeling as if I had to hide, wishing that no one could see me and yet always hoping that someone would care enough to come look for the lost little girl hiding in the dark.
    I also have no doubt that a lot of this will intensify as I move forward in the anticipatory grief  regarding  my brother. We spoke today and yes he finally said that he has chosen not to stop drinking. This means that the time we have with him is much shorter that we had hoped for. He is in stage 2 liver failure and with his choice he most likely will move fairly quickly from 2 to 3 to 4 which is the final stage of liver failure. I find myself telling myself that I have to accept that he is living his last months and that although I and my mom have a trip planned for Sept. that we may need to go sooner but for his funeral. Not doing so good with all of it. I can only continue to try to understand my own issues and challenges and hopefully learn something that will make me stronger. Still not sleepy but to sad to really write more.

a leap of faith...

   So I've been battling my depression and having this ongoing conversation in my head. I am still very active within the mental health advocacy community, along with the crisis community and the governance board that I sit on as a representative for people with a mental illness, along with the suicide attempt survivors support group.
   The conversation I have been having with my self is this.....
   Do I do as I have in the past and not let anyone that I work closely with see me struggle or do I take a leap of faith and share my struggles? In the past I have not always had the best of responses when I have chosen to share my struggles. So I deal with a lot of fear of being judged, treated differently and this only adds to my overwhelming feeling of vunerability and anxiety.
   Well, I decided if I am going to go through this, as this is the most challenging time of the year for me, then I might as well make the most of it. I decided to share my struggles with a room full of people . Ones who have known me for a couple of years now. I shared because how else are they going to understand how this illness impacts the lives of those who struggle with a mental illness.
   It was a leap of faith and although I felt anxious and vulnerable in doing so. I feel as if I made the right decision. I was not let down, judged nor treated with anything less than compassion, respect and an appreciation for sharing.
     I guess this has taught me something as well......If I don't want to be judged then I can not judge those who I share my challenges with. I must not only trust my own feeling and reactions but trust theirs as well, and not pre-judge.

Still Moody and Irritated

  Yep, I'm finding myself low on patience. Not only with myself but, also with those who are closest to me. Can I tell you how much I hate going through this.........I HATE IT........I hate the med changes, yes it makes me feel a bit better but it now has triggered something new and strange. I find myself eating in the middle of the night it's like I sleepeat instead of sleepwalk. And of course I was so happy (said with a great deal of sarcasm) because before this I had finally started to lose weight. I guess it just proves the old saying fat and happy, or at least in my case, fat and somewhat stable. (once again more sarcasm). Have I mentioned how much I dislike this.
  Yeah, yeah I know it will pass, but are we there yet? I don't really like the person I become while going through all of this. Happy one moment and crying the next, then angry for no reason. It does help when I can stay somewhat busy during the day, but there again I have to tread lightly because it is a fine balance between staying just busy enough and becoming overwhelmed.
  I also fall back into some unhealthy behaviors such as, putting on a brave face and not letting anyone know that I'm struggling, the urge to spend money I don't have, the inability to feel confident in choices I make, wanting to get out of the house but finding reasons not to....... the list goes on and on, but I think you get the idea.
 So, I'm still working on this and I am irritated not only with myself but with my illness. I wonder, do other people with chronic illness feel the same way? just a thought.

up late

this is just part of it....cycling through manic to depression. Doc. changed my meds. and it has thrown me off just a bit, but this usually happens then in a week or two I get back into somewhat of a normal sleep pattern again.Tired but brain doesn't want to turn off, it is so frustrating. Everyone else is sound a sleep so it's just me and the computer.

So Maybe It's...................

   .......... that time of year for me. Spring, always the worst not sure why, but it is the time of year when I go through my most pronounced and darkest cycle of depression.
      I have a hard time climbing out of the darkness and into the light. I don't like to have others see me when i am struggling, more like wrestling, with my illness. I find myself overwhelmed at times by things that at any other time would not impact me. I wake up in tears, full of anxiety, fear, sadness and just a general sense of uneasiness. Thoughts of suicide become more active and I am less than patient with the people closest to me. My mother says that she can always tell because she can hear a change in my voice. I can always tell because my dreams become more vivid and I often have nightmares. I know that this all will pass, I understand that this is my cycle. This does not mean that it is any easier just because I know and understand. There will always be apart of me that says " I don't want to do this anymore. I hate having a mental illness. etc. etc.etc."
    The other part that is more challenging this year is that I have many great things that are about to happen in my life and I want to be in a mental place where I cannot only take part, but also enjoy, what is happening. I don't want to hide my illness any longer. I have decided that if I am going to move through this and stay true to my own values(to help reduce stigma and show others what life is like to live with a mental illness) I am going to have to be vulnerable and share my challenges with people I am working with. I'll be honest, this scares the shit out of me. Fear of being judged, looked at differently or even treated as if  I, the Katie they have come to know, no longer exist.
   Part of me knows that these perceptions are not in fact reality, that they are my own fears and automatic negative thoughts that come from past experiences. I believe that if I can share my challenges of my illness when it is at it's worst then maybe I can help someone understand themselves, or a loved one, or just a person they may know. Maybe I can help reduce the fear and raise compassion.
    This all sounds good and doing this will serve a purpose. Hey, I figure if I'm going to have to go through this then I might as well find some way to make the most of it.
    Still scares the shit out of me but I figure that those who know me will accept me illness and all. If not I'll deal with it later.

11 years and counting............

   Today is hubby and mines anniversary. We've been married 11 yrs. but, we've been together as a couple for 17yrs. As with any marriage it has been an up and down ride. We've have shared our happiest and most challenging moments.So I'm feeling a bit reflective and I think I'll share abit about our relationship, because living with me is not always easy, even if I wasn't seriously more interesting.
  When I met hubby I was in a wonderful place in my life, a place I had never known before. My mental illness had, for whatever reason, taken a break and I had not had any major challenges in about 2yrs. I was done with abusive people and ready for something completely different in my life. So the person hubby meet was a strong willed independent woman who was not mentally ill, she was confident, wasn't needy and enjoyed time to herself. I still am all of those, just at times it is harder to see. We had been together for nearly 2yrs. before my illness started to come out of remission. At first it was more manic behavior, so he just thought I was very energetic and that I was tapping into my creativity. There were of course some down days, he just thought that was part of being the sensitive creative type along with being a woman.
   Well surprise!!!!!!! my illness was reemerging. I had a job that provide insurance and went to see my doctor, as usual he pulled out his prescription pad and said take this blah blah blah. I told hubby that life had pranked us both......he met a well adjusted  person and for me I really believed that my illness had gone away for good. I am thankful that when I told him about my struggles with mental illness he didn't run for the hills. I know that at first it was very hard for me to allow him to see me at my worst. Then he told me that his mother also struggles with a serious mental illness. He understood and I mean he really understood. Shortly after that I was fired from my job because my illness was effecting my ability to do it well. I became overwhelmed and isolated for along time as I now had no access to medical help.
  On March 3rd of 2000 hubby came home, asked me what I was doing the next Weds. evening. I said "nothing, why?" he then handed me insurance papers. I looked at him and said " this isn't going to help if we aren't married" he turned the insurence application over and on the back was written Will You Marry Me ?. I laughed and cried,of course said yes. It was the most wonderful expression of love because it didn't matter to him and he wanted to make sure I could get the help I needed.
 I am thankful that I am blessed with a hubby who gets it and who has stood by and held my hand even when I didn't want him to. Love you hubby, my world is so much better having you to share it with.

Obituary of a car.................

   Sometimes it just is going to be challenging, no matter what. Yes, I am in one of those places today. I want to stay positive but...... to be honest I think I would feel better, even if only for a moment, if I just through a hissy fit. My car, the one I have almost paid off, just died on me.
   Okay it didn't just die, it has been a slow painful death as my hubby tried to revive it several times over the last week. CPR was needed to bring it back from a code blue on more than one occasion. There where several transfusions needed and parts donated. Unfortunately, I'm sorry to say, that on Sunday afternoon I was asked to make the decion as to whether pull the plug or keep throwing money at it. I struggled with this as my car and I have been on many an adventures together.
   We have seen the ocean, the birth of my granddaughters, time with family. No, it was not my first love but, indeed there was a comfort in knowing that I could always count on my car. I counted on it much like an old friend. I could sing at the top of my lungs and it never once told me to shut up or that I couldn't carry a note. My car always told me when I was almost out of gas and how far I could go before it ran out completely. It took me to places that held great beauty and to places where I could escape and just be me. My car will be dearly missed.
   Since this was so unexpected there was no will or last wishes.We are now faced with  some difficult choices. It is going to need a new engine or I sell it and still make payments on it, because I know that I'm not going to get full pay off value for it, IT DOES'NT RUN!!!! how do you sell a car that doesn't run??????? My fingers and toes are cramping from keeping them crossed for luck the last few days, obviously it didn't work.
  So now I have to decide whether to A) by a new/used engine for it and try to find someone who will put it into my car with out taking my only child as payment, B) sell it and still make payments and find money to by another car that I can actually drive while making payments on a car that I would no longer have or C) which at this point I have no idea what option C even looks like........Oh did I mention that this is usually the time of year when my challenges with depression get the worst.....and that I have a ton of things to do and contractual obligations......Well, I'm not bald yet, so that's good that I haven't pulled all of my hair out...yet.....LOL.
I'll cross my fingers and toes again once the cramping is gone.
  Until then unconditional trust that there is a reason for all of this, acceptance for the fact that I can not control or change somethings, okay most things, in life. I have to just embrace it for what it is.

Been awhile...........

    It seems as if it gets harder and harder to sit down and blog. It's not that I don't have plenty to blog about, but the challenge is either a time thing or that I'm trying to work through my challenges enough so that I can write about them.
    Case in point ....I have been very busy and my focus has been crap. Which makes it hard not to look like a complete blonde some days :) . I have been working on getting the attempt survivors support group off of the ground. There is still a long way to go but we are hopeful that we will have our first group by the beginning of May. I am super excited as I have worked so hard for this moment. I also have been wandering around, in my head, trying to figure out what direction I want to take at this point in my life. I have decided to go back and get a Bachelor's in Psychology. It's a big step and kind of scare yet exciting, unless if I completely fall on my face, then not so much.......
   I am also feeling a bit anxious right now because so many cool things are happening, like getting ready to go to a conference in Portland in about six weeks. The thing is, this is usually the time of year when I cycle through my worst depression of the year. I often need med changes and a lot of outside support to get me through. I struggle with suicidal thoughts, isolation, lack of motivation, lack of self esteem, lack of the ability to see past my own overwhelming psych pain. The darkness of it swallows me up and I am never sure where I'll land when all is said and done. It is the WORST time of the year for me. Last year it was a six week cycle and it took three weeks to get me stable and another three months to feel stable.
     I have already felt the little niggley feelings that tell me it is waiting around the corner. I have been trying to be more proactive this year than I have been in the last several. It still scares me and I can't help but think to myself, I don't want to be sick anymore, I don't want to go through this again, and why now.
   So here's hoping for the best and keeping a postive outlook, having trust that everything happens for a reason, and that each time I come through it I am stronger than the last time.