So Maybe It's...................

   .......... that time of year for me. Spring, always the worst not sure why, but it is the time of year when I go through my most pronounced and darkest cycle of depression.
      I have a hard time climbing out of the darkness and into the light. I don't like to have others see me when i am struggling, more like wrestling, with my illness. I find myself overwhelmed at times by things that at any other time would not impact me. I wake up in tears, full of anxiety, fear, sadness and just a general sense of uneasiness. Thoughts of suicide become more active and I am less than patient with the people closest to me. My mother says that she can always tell because she can hear a change in my voice. I can always tell because my dreams become more vivid and I often have nightmares. I know that this all will pass, I understand that this is my cycle. This does not mean that it is any easier just because I know and understand. There will always be apart of me that says " I don't want to do this anymore. I hate having a mental illness. etc. etc.etc."
    The other part that is more challenging this year is that I have many great things that are about to happen in my life and I want to be in a mental place where I cannot only take part, but also enjoy, what is happening. I don't want to hide my illness any longer. I have decided that if I am going to move through this and stay true to my own values(to help reduce stigma and show others what life is like to live with a mental illness) I am going to have to be vulnerable and share my challenges with people I am working with. I'll be honest, this scares the shit out of me. Fear of being judged, looked at differently or even treated as if  I, the Katie they have come to know, no longer exist.
   Part of me knows that these perceptions are not in fact reality, that they are my own fears and automatic negative thoughts that come from past experiences. I believe that if I can share my challenges of my illness when it is at it's worst then maybe I can help someone understand themselves, or a loved one, or just a person they may know. Maybe I can help reduce the fear and raise compassion.
    This all sounds good and doing this will serve a purpose. Hey, I figure if I'm going to have to go through this then I might as well find some way to make the most of it.
    Still scares the shit out of me but I figure that those who know me will accept me illness and all. If not I'll deal with it later.