Been awhile...........

    It seems as if it gets harder and harder to sit down and blog. It's not that I don't have plenty to blog about, but the challenge is either a time thing or that I'm trying to work through my challenges enough so that I can write about them.
    Case in point ....I have been very busy and my focus has been crap. Which makes it hard not to look like a complete blonde some days :) . I have been working on getting the attempt survivors support group off of the ground. There is still a long way to go but we are hopeful that we will have our first group by the beginning of May. I am super excited as I have worked so hard for this moment. I also have been wandering around, in my head, trying to figure out what direction I want to take at this point in my life. I have decided to go back and get a Bachelor's in Psychology. It's a big step and kind of scare yet exciting, unless if I completely fall on my face, then not so much.......
   I am also feeling a bit anxious right now because so many cool things are happening, like getting ready to go to a conference in Portland in about six weeks. The thing is, this is usually the time of year when I cycle through my worst depression of the year. I often need med changes and a lot of outside support to get me through. I struggle with suicidal thoughts, isolation, lack of motivation, lack of self esteem, lack of the ability to see past my own overwhelming psych pain. The darkness of it swallows me up and I am never sure where I'll land when all is said and done. It is the WORST time of the year for me. Last year it was a six week cycle and it took three weeks to get me stable and another three months to feel stable.
     I have already felt the little niggley feelings that tell me it is waiting around the corner. I have been trying to be more proactive this year than I have been in the last several. It still scares me and I can't help but think to myself, I don't want to be sick anymore, I don't want to go through this again, and why now.
   So here's hoping for the best and keeping a postive outlook, having trust that everything happens for a reason, and that each time I come through it I am stronger than the last time.