cycling...around and around I go

     Cycling, and no I do not mean the two wheeled kind. I am tired, this pace in which I seem to be cycling, moving from one mood to another, is wearing me down. By the late hour in which I am up writing I am obviously feeling a bit manic and having trouble sleeping. I seem to have been either at one extreme or the other, while trying to use the skills and focusing that I have learned in therapy has not been as successful as I would like. My focus and memory are off and I feel as if I am either running full tilt or at a dead stop.
    Earlier this week all I wanted to do was to be in a dark. I found myself trying to seek comfort and I often find the dark makes me feel less vulnerable. Others can't see how much pain I'm in emotionally if I hide in the dark. I took a hot bath thinking this would help, but what happened was that I found myself turning out the lights and curled up in the hot water crying. It was a very intense emotional release accompanied by intense depression. Of course the next day I was more headed to the manic side of things, which is not all bad as I seem to make up for the down time. I just have to be very aware of when I am approaching burn out.
about the emotional release in the dark ..... I have been able to understand where this came from but I am not yet ready to share it  as I still need to move through it and come to terms with the abuse that it is connected to. I found it interesting that in my darkest moments of depression I would seek comfort in the dark. Maybe this is years of living and feeling as if I had to hide, wishing that no one could see me and yet always hoping that someone would care enough to come look for the lost little girl hiding in the dark.
    I also have no doubt that a lot of this will intensify as I move forward in the anticipatory grief  regarding  my brother. We spoke today and yes he finally said that he has chosen not to stop drinking. This means that the time we have with him is much shorter that we had hoped for. He is in stage 2 liver failure and with his choice he most likely will move fairly quickly from 2 to 3 to 4 which is the final stage of liver failure. I find myself telling myself that I have to accept that he is living his last months and that although I and my mom have a trip planned for Sept. that we may need to go sooner but for his funeral. Not doing so good with all of it. I can only continue to try to understand my own issues and challenges and hopefully learn something that will make me stronger. Still not sleepy but to sad to really write more.