First week back to work

  Well I have survived the first week of being back in the work force and I am ready to face the second week, I think. Over all last week I did okay. I definitely had some challenges with anxiety and approval issues but for the most part I handled them. I am learning the importance of self care and using my coping skills to help get rid of A.N.T.s. The hardest automatic negative thought (ant) I seem to be challenged with is seeking approval of others.
  I feel that for the most part being back at work is a good thing for me. I feel like I have some direction in my life and structure to my day but, I am still feeling a bit overwhelmed because what we are doing is such a new program that we are starting from nothing and building it as we go. This triggers my need to do everything right and seek others approval so that I can feel good about what I'm doing and reassured that I'm doing it right. I am not leaving myself room to be human and the grace to make mistakes.
   I am thankful because going to work has provided me with the chance to learn be comfortable when I am uncomfortable. I can't hide when I want to hide, I can't isolate when I am fearful of failure, I am learning to stretch my comfort zone. I'm trying to learn how to be okay if I don't get it right the first time around and give myself grace to be human. I'm learning that the only persons approval that is most important is mine. I need to be okay with me and to say " I am worthy and just because I don't get it right does not make me less of a person". I'm looking forward to seeing how I grow from this experience and how I view myself.

New Job

     Yes. I have re-entered the work force. It has been 2 yrs since I was last employed and I left due to stress and my challenges with my mental illness. I am excited about what I'm doing but feel overwhelmed and a bit scared. You see I'm part of getting a new program started here where I live. We are getting a suicide attempt survivors support group started and everything that we are doing is new. I dreamed about this happening for so long but I had no idea how much work it would take to build something from the ground up. I have been challenged with new ideas and old feelings. Anxiety, insecurity and the need to have others approval have reared their ugly little heads. In my heart I know that I can make the support group a success, but I have never had the opportunity to write my own job description, help develop policies and procedures. I feel overwhelmed by the whole thing but, I want to achieve the goal I have set for myself.
     I am doing my best to do proper self-care but, even that is a challenge at this point. I am struggling under the pressure that I am putting on myself to be perfect. I know that no one else has that expectation of me. Yet, it seems to be such an ingrained part of my  A.N.T.s (Automatic Negative Thoughts) that I have not really learned how to deal with them. I have struggled my whole life trying to get other peoples approval in hopes that it would change how I feel about myself and my life. I know that I don't need others to approve of me at this point but that little girl is scared that if it's not done perfectly she will not only disappoint everyone who matters to her, but that she may get in trouble.
    I guess I just have to work harder on reassuring her/myself, that it's okay not to be perfect. Besides being perfect is never going to happen nor is it fun because it takes away from learning new things and enjoying new accomplishments.

Just something to think about..................

I saw this written somewhere today and it takes me to a lot of places for thought and introspection
"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength...Loving someone deeply gives you courage." by Lao Tzu
I'm tired and there is a lot of changes going on but, I have no doubt that I'll blog about this in the next couple of days. It has been rambling around in my head since I read it.

Learning to trust

  Over the last several days I have been challenged with something that I wasn't expecting that I would have a challenge with, Learning to trust. I guess it came to my attention the other day when my hubby took me out for a motorcycle ride. Now, remember that over the last year trust has been a challenge for our relationship, and it is one thing that is hard to rebuild. While in the past I have enjoyed our rides on the motorcycle this day it turned out to be something that caused anxiety for me and I spent most of the time on the back of the bike trying to understand why. I then realized that as a passenger I am putting all of my trust in my husbands hands, I needed to trust that he would not do anything to put me in harms way. He's never hurt me physically but emotionally has been another issue.
   The motorcycle ride became a lesson in trust. There were times when I thought of just telling him I wanted to go home, yet I did need be able to sit with being uncomfortable and see if I could move through my emotions. As we rode and I tried to enjoy just being in the moment. I found myself thinking about trust and how fragile it is. I know that hubby never would understand how some of the things that have happened over the last year affected my trust. Heck, I didn't even know. 
   So this is what I came away with .....Trust exists on many levels and although I felt that I trusted my hubby I realized that my trust in him still was not where I needed it to be. I was not willing to share this with him, another trust issue? maybe. I am responsible for my feelings and that if this is something that I want to change I need to work on it. He is trying, and just because I am still having challenges does not mean that it is up to him to change my way of thinking. I am the only one that can do that. So I will still go on motorcycle rides and hope that the trust I once had I can find again, or maybe it is still there and I just haven't reconnected to it yet, because of my own fears.