Learning to trust

  Over the last several days I have been challenged with something that I wasn't expecting that I would have a challenge with, Learning to trust. I guess it came to my attention the other day when my hubby took me out for a motorcycle ride. Now, remember that over the last year trust has been a challenge for our relationship, and it is one thing that is hard to rebuild. While in the past I have enjoyed our rides on the motorcycle this day it turned out to be something that caused anxiety for me and I spent most of the time on the back of the bike trying to understand why. I then realized that as a passenger I am putting all of my trust in my husbands hands, I needed to trust that he would not do anything to put me in harms way. He's never hurt me physically but emotionally has been another issue.
   The motorcycle ride became a lesson in trust. There were times when I thought of just telling him I wanted to go home, yet I did need be able to sit with being uncomfortable and see if I could move through my emotions. As we rode and I tried to enjoy just being in the moment. I found myself thinking about trust and how fragile it is. I know that hubby never would understand how some of the things that have happened over the last year affected my trust. Heck, I didn't even know. 
   So this is what I came away with .....Trust exists on many levels and although I felt that I trusted my hubby I realized that my trust in him still was not where I needed it to be. I was not willing to share this with him, another trust issue? maybe. I am responsible for my feelings and that if this is something that I want to change I need to work on it. He is trying, and just because I am still having challenges does not mean that it is up to him to change my way of thinking. I am the only one that can do that. So I will still go on motorcycle rides and hope that the trust I once had I can find again, or maybe it is still there and I just haven't reconnected to it yet, because of my own fears.