No pretty paper or bows, just a gift.....

   Wish that I could say that the holidays are full of warm fuzzy memories and that they did not trigger anxieties, but I would be lying if I did. Today I am feeling very anxious. I know that it could be for any number of reasons....

• Hubby left town to go back to work this morning...
• I'm still having car problems....
• trying to find a dentist that is willing to work out some sort of payment plan so hubby can get his teeth fixed, we have no insurance....

Yep, I get that I have a lot of little things to focus on.
     Yet there is feeling, a heaviness or a tightness, that is in my chest. I am so familiar with it that sometimes I don't even notice it until it is truly a full on anxiety attack. Out of all the challenges I have, anxiety is the one that I am most uncomfortable with. I'm not sure why, maybe it is because it is the one that is still connected to that abused little girl. Maybe it is because I feel less in control of it, as if it has a mind of it's own. I am working with my focusing and breathing in hopes to tame this thing called anxiety.
     I do dislike the fact that sometimes it seems to be a never ending battle. To accept the fact that I will carry with me always, parts of my life that I would much rather put down, it does indeed get cumbersome.
   I wonder what I, or my life, would be like with out the baggage from the past?( I know what ifs are not productive questions to ask) I have never really known, or remember, a time when I was not frightened,scared, anxious, angry or depressed. Maybe as a very young child there were times, I'm sure, but I don't remember what that felt like. 
    What I do understand, for myself, as I am sitting here writing this is....Christmas as a child was to be wondrous, full of surprises and magic. I do remember one of those types of Christmases, it was when I was 4yrs. old. My great grandfather had built by hand the most wonderful kitchen set all in pink and as I came down the stairs it was the most perfect gift, even to this day.
    I also remember a Christmas when I was 17yrs old that would change the way I felt about the holidays for the rest of  my life. All I can say is that it was a nightmare and there was so much pain that it forever changed Christmas. I know the pain from that Christmas I will always carry. Indeed it is the root of my anxiety during the holidays. Thinking about a time when there is to be joy, laughter and love, yet remembering a time when my mother and I were living through the most unbearable pain we could have imagined. Seeing and feeling, so much hurt and trying so hard to put on a good front so that no one else in the family would see what my mother and I were enduring.
   I guess I should try to focus on the fact that we did indeed endure and move  through that very painful period in our lives. I get it now,( I know because I'm crying), I am conflicted about Christmas because my  gift of strength and courage came out of overwhelming  pain and sadness. The gift of the relationship I have with my mom came from that period in time. I guess not all gifts are wrapped pretty with bows on them, but just the same they are still gifts.