#4 from the "Bullshit that's not true" list

 #4  It is awful and terrible when things are not the way I want them to be. "Bullshit that's not true".
(Oct. 8th Post)

   Well I have to say that I am still challenged by this one. I know that I have major control issues and learning to give up control is not only difficult but scary. I understand that for me when things are the way I need them to be I feel less anxious, which means I feel more comfortable. This is why it is a challenge, because I don't like to feel anxious. My Automatic Negative Thoughts (A.N.T.'s) tell me that in order to be happy I must have things the way I want them or something bad could happen, translation- control everything.
   This doesn't leave much room for being carefree, fun loving or willing to just allow things to unfold the way they are meant to. I have spent so much time trying to get things the way I want them that I have forgotten some very important things about living life like, be spontaneous, thinking about how my actions affect others and just loving life for what it is. In fact there have even been times in my life where not being able to make everything the way I wanted that it indeed add to my overwhelming feelings of desperation and suicidal thoughts.
   The reality is that I can not make everything the way I want, there is just to many things that happen that I have no control over. Yes, this does indeed drive me a little crazy, but to be honest I am learning that it is way to much work trying to force things to be the way I want rather than just do my best and roll with it. I have made it this far in my life and I can assure you that most all of the time things were not the way I wanted them to be but,  I made it here in one piece.
   Maybe not having everything the way I want is not so bad. I can be less stressed, more carefree, and maybe relax a little more so that I can enjoy life for what it is instead of focusing on what I could change. My life with all of it's ups and downs has been a tremendous learning experience and if I sit back and enjoy the ride maybe this year I'll learn that it doesn't have to be the way I want it and that some surprises can be a good thing.