Stress Overload

   Yes that has indeed how I have been feeling. Stressed, overwhelmed and just all around in the dumps. It has been a very long struggle with the hubby being out of work and having to try to deal with his depression and deal with my own stuff. I know that my focus needs to be on me right now, but it is so much easier to do that when you are not living in an environment where depression has taken over the house. I end up bracing myself before I come home because I know that the minute I walk in I'll feel like I need to be more supportive to my hubby. I do understand that I'm not doing myself, or him, any favors by trying to be the only one responsible for keeping balance in my home. I know that I'm a fixer and a bit of a control freak, yes I am sure that this is part of the reason that I take on things that are not my responsibility. I'm just so tired of not having my home peaceful and calm. I don't live well in a 24/7 stress environment. Every time that my hubby and I have a talk it seems to end up all twisted around and then I don't even remember what the original conversation was about. This is effecting what I do outside of the home now as well.I find that it is harder to stay focused and that I am much more forgetful and so there for I end up double and triple checking things and that takes up a lot of energy and time, oh and it stresses me out.
    I know that I sound like I am just complaining and to a point I am. I also have new stresses now.......
    My hubby did finally decide to take a job that was offered to him a while back but, originally he said no. Now that the bank account is nearly empty and I have juggled bills and payments every which way I can he said he thought it would be a good idea to take the job......ok so I'll resist making any sarcastic remarks here. There is a catch, he'll be gone for three weeks at a time for the next 7 months, but he'll make more money in those 7 months than he did all of last year. This job could also take him to California after the 7 months and he would be there for 6 months. To be honest there is apart of me that says that this will ease a lot of the stress our household is dealing with right now. He will be busy working 6-7 days a week and will be to tired to do much of anything and he is hopeful that after the first few weeks he get used to the routine. I will have to adjust to him not being home at all, although the first couple weeks might be a nice break for us. We have promised each other that we would work out ways to see each other. Most likely it will be me driving to where ever he is at and spending two or three days and maybe even on occasion bring the dogs with me. Yes this is going to change things around here for sure.
     I am also learning that I need to listen to what my heart and head are saying to me in regards to my work. I understand logically that I can not please everyone and that just because I have been offered an opportunity does not mean I have to feel obligated to say yes every time. I can and should pick what speaks to me most and still allows me to take good care of myself. If I don't then I just continue to feed into old behaviors of trying to please others first and always putting myself second. This has always been a challenge for me so I am trying to think more logically/ rationally about this. The challenge for me is that I love what I do so much that I want to take every opportunity and experience it all. I just have to learn more of where my balance in life is and it seems that lately it has been moving some what like a titter totter with two children on it going up and down.
     Ok, so for today I will just breath and try my best to trust the everything will and does work out if I just give it time. By the way did I mention I'm going to Atlanta, GA. to a national conference where I'll be on a speakers panel and that this is going to be my first, but not last, time.................................
just breath and trust.