Struggling to be independent...............

     I'm finding it tougher than I thought it would be to become independent again.
     It may be that being alone has trigger some old stuff. Ok, who am I kidding. I know that change for me tends to do this. Some of the issues go back to childhood and that feeling of being vulnerable. Without anyone else here the hurt little girl has come out of her dark corner and is telling me it's not safe to be alone and my adult is trying to calm her, let her know that everything is ok. I am struggling with getting out of the house to do things by myself yet, I know that I can not allow old behaviors to take up resendency.
    It took me years to learn how to really live on my own. For years I could not sleep with my bedroom door closed. I remember having my first apartment, I worked so hard to make my bedroom  a beautiful and quiet place to be, yet I always ended up sleeping on the couch. Well I'm not sleeping on the couch but the bedroom door is open. I can look at this and I know that I am safe but, that little girl is so very uneasy with change. I am trying to find things to go do, things that will bring comfort, pleasure and happiness into my life, with out anyone else being responsible for it.
   I was not expecting this. I have a tendency to look past the past and say that I have come to terms with it. Yet it is a part of who I am and it is something that I will always carry with me and I never know when it will be triggered. I've worked hard to understand my abusive childhood. I have for the most part done well. This is just a reminder that it is something that I will always carry with me, the scars are still there.
   I guess this is just another test and life lesson. One that I hope will help me see new strength in myself, but for right know I think it is okay to find someway to comfort that little scared girl so that I don't go into a depression, stay in my house and cut myself off from the world out side, because my adult knows that is not an option.
   On the upside the hubby is doing really good and sounds great when we talk on the phone. He is taking care of his own stuff and I am very happy to know that he is well. I have been trying not to share to much of my challenges with him,
A: because I don't want him to worry
B: because these are my issues and challenges.
   I will go and see him soon but, he won't be able to come home until Thanksgiving. I'm already counting the days. As my hubby once said to me " How can I miss you if you don't go away."  LOL....how true it is. We never know how much we will miss someone until they are not there.