Okay so this has been a challenging week. There have been many different things happening and I'll have to break it down into several blogs so that I can address each one. This helps me to better understand and to better use my coping skills.
First challenge... Hubby did come home on Sunday, it was just for the day, and as the norm at this point, his mind was on just getting laundry done, catching up on sleep and having a good home cooked meal. As I always do I ask him to wake me up before he leaves in the morning because I like to spend sometime with him before he goes. Well he did indeed wake me up on Monday morning before he left. Although it was only a few minutes before he had to dash out of the house. There was something that happened before he left but I don't think it is necessary to go into detail about it. My reason for blogging is to work through my own emotions.
What I will say is that my PTSD was triggered. I know that Hubby did not have the intentions of this so I can not fault him. I found myself at first with what I felt were just normal feelings of frustration that happen time to time in a marriage. The full impact didn't happen right away. Memories of trauma started to show themselves in very subtle ways, my mood became more anxious, I felt uneasy and insecure. I had attempted to talk it out with my mom and that helped, but the person I really needed to speak with was Hubby. I tried to address my feelings but I was having a challenge doing so over the phone, so I just carried it with me for a while. I found that this only impacted me more.
What ended up happening is that 12yr.old girl came out with a lot of raw emotion and she directed it not only at hubby but at herself. Hubby came home on Tuesday. I felt that after I had gone to group I could come home, talk with him about my unmet emotional needs. Well I didn't do so good at this. I put my own needs second, then when I did feel ready to talk it was late. I thought what was the use if I knew that things could not be resolved in such a limited amount of time. Needless to say my inner 12yr old at this point was ready to throw a tantrum and she did. On Wednesday night when Hubby called he got that angry, hurt 12yr. old on the phone. I hung up on him and then was mad when he didn't call by, I know, very much the actions of a hurt child.
I was forced to sit with my feelings and figure out where they were coming from. As I worked through this I was able to start to understand that I had allowed the 12yr. old to drive the emotional car, so to speak, and I had become the passenger. Not good.
I need to address both her needs and mine. I decided that I would clearly state to Hubby when he called on Thurs. evening that I needed him to listen and acknowledge my emotions. Which I did. I stated what memories had been triggered. I understood he had no way of knowing that his actions would impact me in such a way. I then told him I was sorry for my own behavior the night before, I told him I needed more understanding from him and more reassurance to help me feel more secure.
What I learned is that it is okay for me to request that my emotional needs be met but, understand that they may not always be met. Hubby has done his part to help meet those needs. I am working on meeting needs of my inner 12yr. old.
No comments:
Post a Comment