It's never easy....

   Yes, it has been a long weekend. Yes, hubby did decide to give it another try at the job. Yes, I am worn out.
    I worked very hard this weekend to just keep to myself and let hubby work through what ever it was he needed to work through. I admit at times I was busting at the seams to know what he was thinking, as his decision would also impact me. I was very supportive and allowed him the space he needed on Saturday, even though this was hard for me.
   When I see someone giving up and giving into depression, especially when it is a loved one, it triggers something in me. I have a huge challenge with this and feelings of anxiety, fear, stress, worry are just a few. I know that I have these emotions because I believe that people who are challenged don't have to give into depression. This does not mean it goes away, or that we never suffer from depression, it means to me that I don't allow it to take over my life. I was afraid, because I was watching my hubby give in and give up to the depressive feelings he was having. I felt desperate, helpless and alone. I did not want to lose him to depression.
     Sunday morning, I had to decide it was going to be him or me. It was not an easy choice but I knew I could not go into that pity of depression with him. I tried to be as kind as I could but, I had to tell him that he was going to be on his own with this one. I could not, and would not, jump in to pull him out of his depression. It was and is his responsibility to learn some self-care tools. I did acknowledge that this may come across as harsh and non supportive but, I was no good to anyone if I did no take care of me. I also said that I was not willing to sacrifice my mental wellness right now. We talked about the fact that even if he did choose to stay home that this would not make everything better and he would still have to deal with his depression.
    I left and took the dogs out for a long walk, came home and took a long hot bath and did my best to take care of me. Hubby did seem to pull out of his depression and start to take care of the things he needed to for himself. His mood has lifted and he says he feels better, that he is optimistic about being able to see this job through as it is only another 5 to 6 weeks.
   Me, well I have some serious self-care that I need to do. With hubby now gone I have a lot of raw emotions and I need to work through them. I feel like crap, being the "strong one" and the one who has to push, it's never easy.....