Moving forward

Feeling a bit down this morning.Well maybe down is not the right word for it, more like sort of sad but no tears, anxious but no need to hide, restless but no desire to get out of the house. I know that it will pass, but I want it to go away now...... Okay so what can I do to help myself move forward today? I know that if I just sit in this place today it will not change nor will it help me, although somedays that is just what I need to do but not today. I can try to focus on the little things that I am happy for right now in the moment. Hot cup of coffe, my computer,lol, the fact that my husband is cleaning up the kitchen, okay that's a start.

Maybe I am feeling more of everything right now as the 1yr anniversary of my suicide attempt is tommorrow. So many things have happened this year. Sometime I don't feel as if I am worthy to have been so blessed over the last year. Okay hear come the tears, I guess I must have hit my own nerve.

Surviving suicide is hard, plan and simple. There are many challenges that one faces. I am talking as a survivor of a personal attempt, as I know that the challenges for family members are different. There is the coming to terms with ones self that you failed, fear to tell people, yet for myself telling my story has given me back meaning and purpose in my life. There is fear of how others will see you, the questions that make no sence, like... what were you thinking? what hurt so bad? what about your family?

I'm sure those who are asking think they are helping. What one needs to understand is when I am in that place where suicide is even a thought and moving towards action I am in such emotional pain I am not thinking about anything but ending the unbearable weight of the dark emotional hurt that I am crumbiling under. I hope that I will never have to visit that place again and yet I accept the fact that because I have a serious mental illness along with the fact that my first attempt was when I was 12 and I have continued to attempt many times over the years, I most likely will visit that dark corner of myself. I hope that I will be able to just move pass it and not feel the urge to go into it.

How does one celebrate life when such pain made you want to end it?

Well I have a busy week ahead and I am thankful. I will be traveling out of the heat of phoenix and going up the road to sedona. I know that it's not far but it is a beautiful place and one of my favorite places to just center myself. I think that might be a very good place for me to spend this 1yr anniversary.

I'll write more next weekend when I return home.