Suicide Awareness Week and Suicide Awareness day is Sept. 10th. With that said it seems only right to share some of my challenges with suicide. I have mentioned before that my first attempt was at 12 yrs. old and it is clear that was not my last attempt. I have struggled with thoughts of suicide most of my life. I am lucky that I have survived my own attempts to end my life. I am lucky that I have survived with out there being any long term affects physically, although the emotional scars are still there. I try to look at those experiences now and draw some strength from them. They are a statement to my will to live.
As I said before that after my first attempt at 12yrs. old I continued with behaviors such as cutting, that in someways numbed me to the pain in my life. I guess for me the thought of physical pain played a part in which way I would attempt to end my life. Although it would be years before I made another serious attempt, and by serious I mean with the intention to die. I lived my life always taking risk that where self destructive and re-enforced my view that I was no good. Abusive relationships and reckless behavior where a way of tempting fate. I thought that it would catch up with me and maybe I wouldn't have to do the dirty deed myself. After living this way for several years and numerous calls from my school to my mother telling her that I must be doing drugs things once again moved into the direction of planning a way to end my life. My mother knew that I was not doing drugs, and indeed during those years I was not. We both knew something was going on but neither one of us could figure it out. I was frustrated and confused. When I was 17yrs. old I made a decision that effected my whole family. I had hoped that it would make things better at home. At first it did not and I was left feeling more guilt and desperation than before. I was angry with the world. I wanted answers and the only one I got was that I was just struggling because of childhood abuse. I knew that there was more to it than that. I can remember a time when I had been fighting with my boyfriend and he had taken the car keys from me and called my mom to come get me. I told her that the only way I would let her come pick me up would be if she promised to take me to the hospital and check me in to the mental health ward. Of course she said she would and didn't. The emotions of anger, confusion, guilt and rage consumed me. I became even more reckless in my behaviors, determined to end the pain I was feeling. I lived in a bubble of overwhelming thoughts and emotion, it was more than I could bear. While reckless behavior only added to my feelings of worthlessness I was always thinking about a way out (suicide). When I was 19yrs. old I made another attempt. I thought that this time there would be no way that I could walk away. I had been in an abusive, love, hate relationship for about three years at this time. The night before I had been drinking and my boyfriend and I had been fighting. I left his house at about 7:30 am to head for work, it was morning rush hour. I remember not really feeling anything and yet I was crying. I made my decision, at 80mph. I turned my car head on to the concrete bridge abutment and stepped down on the gas pedal. Those moments before impact I still remember as clearly as when it happened. The impact, sounds of breaking glass, the passer-by who pulled me out of my car through the passenger window. I am lucky that I did not hit any other cars and no one was seriously injured, including me. I had not a cut on me, my car was totalled and I was still alive, the overwhelming guilt and shame were present. I quickly had to make up some story before the police arrived to explain the "accident". I told no one for years the car wreck was indeed an attempt to end my life. Only recently have I been able to share this story with my mother. The healing continues, but the scars will always be there.
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