Grief and Loss

    I have heard it said the grief is a tough task master. It causes us to look at the things we fear most. I am sure the same can be said about anticipatory grief....
    Anticipatory grief gives the family and friends more time to slowly get used to the reality of the loss. People are able to complete unfinished business with the dying person (for example, saying "good-bye," "I love you," or "I forgive you").
    This maybe even a tougher task master than grief. I feel this because one has to be able to acknowledge the death before it happens, that in of it's self is tough. To face unresolved issues and address them while you can, not necessarily when you are ready. To deal with the death, the anger and the sadness it takes one to look at those things we hold dear and those things we want to ignore. So hear is where I start my journey. I know that my brother is not well and his doctors have told him that if he would quit smoking and drinking that he might have a couple more years. He has clearly said that he is not going to quit either one, his choice.
    I find myself torn between anger and sadness. Anger at his choice to not listen. Sad because he feels no desire to live a longer life. I'm sure that if I would say it to him this directly he would debate it. He has been on this path for awhile knowing that because of how he choose to live his life, and is still living his life, that this has lead to the health problems he is now facing.
    In this gray area of anticipatory grief  I now have to learn how to face those things that I have wanted to hide away, mend fences, come to understand personal choice, learn to forgive, respect choice, stay in touch with compassion. I do well with all of these things in general, in my work and daily life. The challenge is that it is now my family, in my face so to speak, and this means that I must be willing to be vulnerable.
   I know that the saying goes "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger" and this has been true in my life, but it does not mean that there is no pain in this process. Like I said this is only the beginning of this journey.