S.M. I..... Suicide Memory Introspection

Okay I know that this does not fall completely under the
Seriously More I(...) category but I'm making it fit anyway.
Suicide Memory Introspection.....I know it's a stretch, but what can I tell you.

My first attempt was at 12 yrs. old. I was recently asked by someone if I really knew what I was doing at that tender young age and did I really want to die? My reply to her was....
I 'm not sure that I really wanted to die. What I do know and remember is that I wanted the pain and sadness I was feeling all the time to end, go away, allow me to feel normal. I knew at 12 that I was not like others my age. I just didn't know how to change it. I do remember that my parents where out to dinner and that I was at home by myself. Feeling completely alone and as if no one cared or that no one could see my pain, I found a bottle of aspirin and took the whole thing. I can now look back and see where there was part of me that did want to live. I can not say if it was my true intention to end my life or just a cry for help...... and here is why I wonder. I did call the E.R., this was before caller ID and 911, and I asked a nurse on the other end if what I had done would kill me. She informed me that it would not and I would just be very sick for a while until all the aspirin had gotten out of my system. She was right, I was sick, throwing up a lot and feeling terrible. When my parents got home I just said that I must have the stomach flu and left it at that. I did not write and letter say good bye or any other trace that might of let my family know what I had done.....Was it out of shame, fear, guilt? Or just being disappointed that I was stuck with the feelings I had.
One thing that does strike me is that as I work with the suicide prevention project we learn to look for certain feelings and know that when a person is struggling with all three they may be more at risk for attempting to end there own lives. Those feeling are
being a burden to loved ones or family, lack of self worth, and lack of meaning or purpose in their lives.
I can say that at 12 I had no meaning and purpose, but who really does understand that at 12. I did feel burdened, but it was by trying to keep secrets that should not have been kept, because of those secrets I felt worthless. I also felt very alone, as if I did not belong anywhere.
After my first failed attempt I would soon move on to experimenting with self harm. I would cut myself on the wrist, just superficial cuts, but it was the start of conditioning my self to not being fearful of pain. Even as I would walk around with cuts upon my wrist no one would notice and if they did no one asked. I can't really say what hurt more. All I know is that it re-enforced my feelings of burdensome, lack of self worth and that no one cared. I now know that had the people in my life known they would have reached out and I guess that is my point....People end their lives because we tend not to notice or do not know how to ask those hard questions.