Some More Insight

Well, clearly for me the first insight in that I am battling with insomnia, just part of bi-polar. The second insight that when I can't sleep it is usually because I can't seem to get my mind to quiet down, it squeaks like a hamster wheel with a hamster that has insomnia on it...lol.
So what part of myself do I want to put under the microscope tonight??????
Well let's take a look at some of my childhood and see how we can connect the dots...........
I do have some great early childhood memories, before I was really aware of the kind of person my father could be. My mother was always warm and soft, in a way that is like your favorite pj's, or blanket, or sweater. I remember the house on cold winter days being filled with the smell of fresh baked bread. I remember our cat Jenny having her first litter of kittens. I also remember how hard it was when it came time to give the kittens away and my mother comforting me trying to tell me that they would all have good homes. I believed her even after I saw the neighbor boy Timmy trying to leash train the kitten in his front yard. Yes I have lots of good memories and for that I am thankful. I am thankful that my mother gave us kids somethings that would still bring a smile to our faces.
The same can not be said about my father. Oh at times he did what was expected of him to keep up the front of a normal house, go to work, have the illusion of the perfect home life. Dad and Mom always had a lot of friends and my mother loved to entertain so on special occasions there where get togethers at our house. I think that this is one of the reasons people find it so hard to believe that my father had such a different side to him. I have horrible memories of my brother being beaten by my father with a belt and the fear and panic I would feel not knowing if I or my sister were going to be next. How my heart broke in those moments knowing that I could do nothing to spare my brother or sister or myself from the pain.The panic and fear of knowing that there was nothing anyone could do was overwhelming.I'm sure you ask "well didn't your mother try to stop him?" Yes she did but my father did not here her in his rage, although I often heard her pleas for him to stop. I can clearly remember the look my father would get on his face and how he would bite down on his tongue while he would beat us with the belt. I wonder if he bit his own tongue to keep himself from going to far, or the  fear of not being able to control himself ?
I believe it is in those moments caught between fear and heart break that I became a co-dependant person, this would be my third insight.
 My own needs now as a grown woman, reflective of the young child wanting to save her siblings from pain, yet powerless to do anything. This is reflective of how I feel about the challenges that my husband and I are having. I want to save him from the pain yet I feel powerless to do so. I know that it is not my place to take on these responsibilities yet the child in me asks "why can I not save him?" I must reply "it is not my place to save him, but my place to love him and be there, to be supportive and non-judgmental". To trust that we will find our way, one that will be healthy for both of us, one that is not co-dependant.