S.M.I......Seriously More Indepth, about me

Well over the last couple of weeks I have shared very small pieces of who I am. I think it is time for me to share more with you than just my sarcastic sense of humor.  I am a survivor of many things, some of which I will going into more depth about and some that I'm not yet sure that I am ready to go into depth about. I do want to make clear that I am happy with the person I am now. I also understand had my life not been impacted by some tragic and abusive events I would not be the same person. I'll share with you my most raw parts of me in hopes that when you look at me you see me as a whole person. Not broken by my past but stronger for living through it and finding the reasons to live.
 Some would say that my childhood was traumatic. I am of the belief that a large part of us have had something in our young lives that impacted us and maybe for ever change who we are. The impact of trauma can only really be defined by the person it has effected, in my opinion. Often in my life I have had the debate going on in my head of What ifs...  would I have had the same challenges if I had not been traumatized. I have asked myself , as well as been asked by others, What if.???? I am happy to be where I am and that I no longer feel the need to ask What if? As I now understand  it holds no power over who I am and what I can accomplish with my life. Yes, it has taken many years and a lot of work, letting go of useless anger, to get myself to accept and embrace this. What if, is no longer important. I can only try now to look at how what happened in my life has brought me to here and hope to glean insight not only for myself but in hopes of helping others. There have been many times in my life where it was easier to blame What if?... for the things that went wrong or seemed unfair.
Most of my life  What if?...was an easy out... if I hadn't been ..( you can fill in the blank) I wouldn't be suffering....( fill in the blank). My life would be so much better. Well I'm not so sure that my life would have been better, it might have been less traumatized, but better is just a guess. I believe that I am on the path I was meant to be on and that the only way for me to get here was to walk straight through the landmines of my own life and to find some way to find my own courage and strength to keep moving forward, although I did on occasion turn and run back to what I thought was safety. Yes to this day I am not free of my childhood demons. I have learned to embrace the fact that I may never be rid of them and look to them for guidance and insight to who I am and who I am becoming. I often struggle with my challenges, suicidal thoughts, depression, low self esteem and then I remind my self that I have already walked through the minefield and I have survived, not unscarred but, none the less I'm still standing.